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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s fair for separated parents Xmas day

85 replies

ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 20:40

I have 2 DC but they have different dads. Both dads are involved.

I’ve had them every Xmas eve so far and they’ve opened presents with me on Xmas morning, then gone their separate ways with their dads. (Or sometimes the youngest stays with me if his dad is working).

Oldest DC, DD is 7. Her dad has asked to have her Xmas eve this year and bring her back to me after dinner.

If I didn’t have the youngest I would agree, he’s never experienced it before and he’s a good dad. I’d find it a bit sad and difficult but I can deal with it. The problem is if he has DD, then I have a young DS opening presents alone with me on Xmas morning without their sibling. Then I’m swapping them as one leaves and the other comes back Confused

I grew up very close to my sibling and not sure if it’s clouding my judgement, but this doesn’t sound nice for them.

AIBU to say no, it’s not fair on the youngest DC to take the eldest away? Youngest is autistic and old enough to understand they would normally be together.

Sometimes this “swapping” ends up happening for contact in the week as hers is set at weekends and his changes. DD doesn’t seem too fussed but DS always gets very upset.

OP posts:
Cauliflowerhead · 08/11/2019 23:37

I’m going to go against the grain here..

Parental visits are for the child’s benefit. I’d ask the child what they want to do. Spend it with their dad opening presents or their sibling opening presents. Bright and breezy.

I’m not a big fan of the 50/50 share all the time as kids need stability but sometimes just asking them what they want to do makes things easier.

plantainchips · 08/11/2019 23:38

Yabu, sorry.

You’ve had them for years now so it’s fair to change it.

It definitely sucks and I see where you are coming from but that’s what happens with separated families & when you have children with different people. It’s just harder, I’m afraid.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:38

My parents were split but me and sibling had the same dad so if we went, we went together

I think because their dads haven’t wanted them on Xmas morning before, I hadn’t prepared for if they suddenly decided they wanted that. It is nice though, for them to have a better relationship

I’m not selfish with me, I don’t mind missing out on the morning. I just worry so much about the kids and getting it wrong

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 08/11/2019 23:39

Your son may be more accepting than you think.

My daughter has done Xmas eve with me / Xmas day with her Dad for 7 years. He has lots of family locally, I don’t. It’s just nicer for her. Being alone on Xmas day isn’t what it pictures when I had a child, but hey ho! That’s her normal, and I think she’d be surprised to hear a lot of people alternate.

Start talking to him now about “after X goes to her dad, shall we do ?”

Talk about it like a foregone conclusion and not a compromise and he may just accept it. If it’s important to you to have a Xmas tradition that’s all 3 of you, start one. One week (ish) before Xmas, you always watch 2 Xmas films back to back and make a gingerbread house. Or a pantomime trip. Or something!

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:40

Oh my god I haven’t actually asked her...

Thank you so much for pointing that out, I will gently see what she would like

To be honest, if she said she wants to go to her dads I wouldn’t put a stop to that. I’d not get in the way of what they want

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:41

Just be aware she might find it hard to tell you she wants to go to her dads because she might think you’ll be upset.

Sometimes this sort of thing is better worked out by grown ups.

KristinaM · 08/11/2019 23:41

It’s supposed to be about the children’s needs and not about fairness to the parents.

I think that Christmas shroud; be split the same was as all other contact. If the dad has the child 50% of the time, he should have 50% of holidays inc Christmas.

If he has the child 20% of the time, he gets 20% of christmas.

RP dont get to pick and choose which bits of parenting they want.

RP don't get to fit their kids around their work, they have to fit work around their kids.

plantainchips · 08/11/2019 23:42

Honestly she’s too young to be deciding that! It’s likely she’ll just say what you want to hear. Courts etc at 7 would barely recognise “what she wants”. Don’t put her between you and her father Sad

satanstoenailsandwich · 08/11/2019 23:43

Fuck what the parents want, what does the child want? Have you asked her what she wants to do? I would never have wanted to leave my home on Christmas Eve even to be with my beloved father. He would come to visit before bedtime on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas morning.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:43

Thank you PurpleDaisies that link is really helpful

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:43

From what you’ve said, taking the don out of the equation, there’s no reason for her not to go there.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:46

RP don't get to fit their kids around their work, they have to fit work around their kids.

I wish DS’s dad could see that, if he would take the days off around Xmas (not needed in his job, just wants the money) then they could both have the same routine. He prioritises work and was one of the reasons we split

OP posts:
Beyondexhausted19 · 08/11/2019 23:50

Dad is here
Xmas eve 6pm untill 6pm Xmas day
Xmas day 6pm untill boxing day 6pm
Alternate years.

My ds always stayed with me. His dad only lives 30min away but he always said hell only. Drive if he can have him a whole week.. Told him to swivvel
He only had him once 2 yrs ago. I assumed he'd go this Yr but his dad's going away now for 2 weeks.

Chocmallows · 08/11/2019 23:52

I would run a separate Christmas day and did this last year and all went well.

I think you have had some really negative comments on here considering you have been open to advice all the way through. There really is no ideal option, we do not know the situation. Your DD may be gutted to not be with you on the day. I say this as someone whose DD was not happy last year when originally told that she and her brother would be with their dad, but who went along with it with encouragement and enjoyed both days.

Honestly, ignore the criticism here about you being controlling, you are just trying to keep everyone else happy.

Knicknamehistory · 08/11/2019 23:56

I agree you should ask her what she wants. My kids do have the same dad and we are still together but there's no way they would chose to be away from each other on xmas morning. It's part of the fun of it being with your siblings so I reckon she would choose to stay home at her age anyway. And at that age it should be what the child wants not what's fair on the parents.

satanstoenailsandwich · 08/11/2019 23:57

'I think you have had some really negative comments on here considering you have been open to advice all the way through'

I agree with this. You don't see the dads starting threads like this agonising over how to make everyone happy do you? Do what's best for the 3 of you OP. My mum and (half not that I ever call him that but it's relevant to this conversation) brother were my family and who I wanted to spend Christmas with. At home.

Mymycherrypie · 09/11/2019 00:08

Could you just make the morning super special for the youngest? Will they still be together that night? Could you let them stay up late and have some time reunited together after?

Or have another mini Christmas Day on Boxing Day when you all can be together?

CJsGoldfish · 09/11/2019 00:11

Have you asked your dd what she wants?
Parental visits are for the child’s benefit. I’d ask the child what they want to do

This isn't really a reliable solution. Children are very sensitive to what you want to hear. Your dd won't want to say anything that may hurt you (in her eyes)

I actually think it's quite mean to not allow your dd and her father to share xmas morning for a change.

YouFellAsleeep · 09/11/2019 00:27

I think asking her what she wants is a bad idea. She’ll most likely say she wants to stay at home as that’s what’s she used to. That doesn’t mean she wouldn’t have a great time with her dad though and it’s only fair she and her dad gets to experience that.

Unfortunately you’re going to have to accept that with them having different fathers, the dads schedules aren’t always going to match up and you can’t not let one dad have his child because the other dad is working. You’re not unreasonable to want to keep the kids together, but you have to realise it’s not always going to be that way.

I do know what it’s like having a child with autism, my son is autistic. You can surely still have a lovely Christmas morning with your son even if your daughter isn’t there.

BrokenWing · 09/11/2019 02:29

Can you try to coordinate with both dads so dc do the same as each other each year. Every 2nd year they have dc Xmas eve/morning, then you have for dinner onwards (handover around 2/3pm). Then following year swap?

If ds dad doesn't want to then he can have him boxing day instead every 2nd year.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 09/11/2019 03:55

I alternate with my ex. This year I’m having them Christmas Eve till after Christmas dinner. Then it’ll be just me and my youngest as her Dad isn’t around (thank fuck, abusive, has zero interest in her). She’s almost 4 now. So she is “on her own” until 4pm every other Christmas Day.

Personally I don’t feel sibling trumps parents at Christmas. You could either alternate it with both Dads so they both take your DC the same year and then they get every other Christmas together.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 09/11/2019 03:58

Just spotted youngest has ASD.

My middle child does. How old is your DC? My middle child doesn’t know any different as it’s been this way since she was 2; I think the sooner you incorporate it into their routine the better.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 09/11/2019 06:32

Could you not have Xmas on Xmas Eve. You could tell the Dc's that Santa asked you to give them the presents then as they will not be together on the day so he came to yours early. Put the presents under the tree the night before, cook they're favourite lunch/dinner. Only you know if that would work but it might be worth thinking about.

iamclaireandfleabag · 09/11/2019 06:43

I can't believe how many people are talking about what the dad might miss out on or what the dad is entitled to. It's what's in the children's best interests that should take priority. That may be one spending Christmas Eve night with their dad and the other not but look at what's best for the children first and the adults should work around that. Children aren't little time shares. Their needs should come first.

iamclaireandfleabag · 09/11/2019 06:43

@Cauliflowerhead just seen your post, agree with you 100%