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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s fair for separated parents Xmas day

85 replies

ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 20:40

I have 2 DC but they have different dads. Both dads are involved.

I’ve had them every Xmas eve so far and they’ve opened presents with me on Xmas morning, then gone their separate ways with their dads. (Or sometimes the youngest stays with me if his dad is working).

Oldest DC, DD is 7. Her dad has asked to have her Xmas eve this year and bring her back to me after dinner.

If I didn’t have the youngest I would agree, he’s never experienced it before and he’s a good dad. I’d find it a bit sad and difficult but I can deal with it. The problem is if he has DD, then I have a young DS opening presents alone with me on Xmas morning without their sibling. Then I’m swapping them as one leaves and the other comes back Confused

I grew up very close to my sibling and not sure if it’s clouding my judgement, but this doesn’t sound nice for them.

AIBU to say no, it’s not fair on the youngest DC to take the eldest away? Youngest is autistic and old enough to understand they would normally be together.

Sometimes this “swapping” ends up happening for contact in the week as hers is set at weekends and his changes. DD doesn’t seem too fussed but DS always gets very upset.

OP posts:
asprinklingofsugar · 08/11/2019 22:22

I think Yabu even with your new idea. If you dd comes back Christmas Eve night her dad still doesn’t get the proper Christmas Eve/Christmas morning experience that he wants and has missed for the last however many years. Presumably he wants a shot a seeing her hang up her stocking right before bed, putting out carrots for Rudolph and mince pies or biscuits and a drink for Santa, and tucking her in on Christmas Eve. He wants to be woken up by her all excited on Christmas morning, and get to go into the living room together to see what Santa has brought. And maybe he’d like the chance to have his gifts opened first - let’s face it, while all gifts are exciting, and I’m sure your dd is delighted at grateful about whatever she gets whenever she receives it, there’s something a little bit extra special about tearing into the first couple of gifts/stocking on Christmas morning. I still feel like that and I’m an adult! And he doesn’t get to experience that with his daughter, and still won’t if you get your way, because his way doesn’t suit your son.

bellabasset · 08/11/2019 22:22

Traditionally Boxing Day is a present giving day so I would chat to both dads and arrange they both have a present giving day with their dads and one with the three of you together.

Make it fun for them in the lead up to Xmas by giving them a letter from Santa about their present opening days with dad's family and yours.

Starlight456 · 08/11/2019 22:34

You are coming to the end of the Santa believing years so yes I think it is fair.

I have a sister never diagnosed but I believe has asd . My life was limited by her as my parents wanted if I to do something my sister had to come along . I very much resented her as a child and as an adult understand but it damaged our relationship. We are not close.

Do this for Dd then come up with a plan that will work for Ds

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:03

PurpleDaisies That’s a bit unnecessary, you don’t know me Confused I don’t want “my own way” but I can’t pretend my sons needs don’t matter just because he isn’t DD’s dads child

Her dad wants to spend Xmas with his girlfriend and her family so unfortunately we can’t work out doing it together. He’s never asked for her overnight in Xmas until now so I’ve not been preventing it for 7 years Blush I actually think it’s a huge shame to be in this dilemma, because they’d have a lovely Xmas and his partner and her family are lovely

In fact any of the other years would haven been a lot easier as it’s only now that DS is old enough to understand Xmas and wanting his sister around

I totally understand her dad not needing to take my son into consideration, I’m grateful that he’s so understanding (coz DS’s dad isn’t). But I still have to take his needs into consideration

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:04

Starlight Thank you for sharing that, I think it’s so important that I don’t put one in front of the other so I’m really going to keep what you’ve said in mind

I’m just struggling to know what’s even/fair for both of them

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:05

But I still have to take his needs into consideration
So find some other way to meet his needs that allows your daughter to enjoy spending Christmas with her dad.

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:06

What I mean is, your daughter shouldn’t be losing out on that time with her dad because you’re prioritising your son.

SD1978 · 08/11/2019 23:10

You are being unreasonable but it seem like fortunately you're eldest father isn't. You've always gotten what you want, and still have it seems. The fairest would be to have your daughter dropped at her dads Christmas Eve and get her back after your son goes to his dad- then presents can be done with both kids separately. Eventually you're going to have to work something out I would imagine- as maybe your daughter would like to see her dad Christmas Day.

RubbingHimSourly · 08/11/2019 23:14

You need to find a way to meet your son's needs that takes your daughter out if the equation. It really isn't fair to out this stuff on a young child.

Let her dad knows she's going and don't compromise on it, build your own, new routine with your ds.

TriciaH87 · 08/11/2019 23:18

Nope tell them they can have Xmas eve but you want them home by mid day to open presents and have dinner together this year. One year you do your Christmas eve arrangement the next year switch roles. This way you children get a Christmas Dinner together.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:19

I’m a bit confused why people are being so harsh when it comes to assuming I get what I want Sad

What I want is the fairest compromise for both of them

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:23

Your daughter has never spent Christmas with her dad. How is it fair on her to say no because of your son? You have plenty of time to think of a plan for him.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:24

Neither child’s dad has wanted them on Xmas morning until now and I’ve never prevented any of it. I’ve been doing my best

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 08/11/2019 23:24

But you have had them every year. I think it’s unfair to not allow your dds dad one year.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:26

Which siblings don’t want to see each other on Xmas day Confused I can’t get my head around that logic as they love each other very much

I couldn’t ever imagine a Xmas without my sibling growing up

OP posts:
Champagnetaste · 08/11/2019 23:26

Sorry but I think your being totally unreasonable. What if they were to have a younger sibling on their fathers side. You are both equal parents. You have been lucky and been able to experience Xmas morning with them both. It’s only fair their dad should get that experience too.

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but when you have more than one father it’s part and parcel of Xmas

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:28

Which siblings don’t want to see each other on Xmas day

Sometimes in complicated families with different dads, that’s what happens. On some families, children don’t see parents (my mum worked a lot as a nurse). That’s just what happens.

You just need a lovely alternative time when they have their Christmas. It’s easy to just say no to your daughter seeing her dad but that really isn’t fair.

Champagnetaste · 08/11/2019 23:28

Could you celebrate Xmas another day so they can both open their present together. Or ask your other child to wait until after Xmas dinner

MiniCooperLover · 08/11/2019 23:28

It is unfortunate that the logistics mean the siblings go separate ways but you can prepare your DS in advance, make it extra fun for you two. Her dad deserves the opportunity

asprinklingofsugar · 08/11/2019 23:29

I understand where you’re coming from, but what’s the fairest compromise for both children, isn’t necessarily the fairest compromise for your daughter and her dad iyswim? She might even enjoy being the only child on Christmas morning for a change (please disregard this bit if the girlfriend has children)

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:29

I couldn’t ever imagine a Xmas without my sibling growing up

Was yours a traditional family? Presumably your daughter stays with her dad sometimes do your son will know she goes away and comes back.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:31

Thank you both for your suggestions, I think that’s a nice idea to have a separate little Xmas actually

Unfortunately DS’s dad is taking him before she would be getting home (him leaving for dinner, her home after it) and won’t compromise

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 23:32

the fairest compromise for both children, isn’t necessarily the fairest compromise for your daughter and her dad iyswim?

That’s a very fair point

OP posts:
purpleboy · 08/11/2019 23:32

Have you asked your dd what she wants?

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 23:34

Have you looked at social stories? They’re often useful in helping children with autism to cope with changes in routine.

www.autism.org.uk/about/strategies/social-stories-comic-strips.aspx