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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop accepting everyday sexism and never use Asda again

723 replies

Canadalife · 08/11/2019 19:38

We had an Asda order delivered this evening. One item was incorrect (much more expensive item delivered instead of what we ordered....duck instead of chicken!). Being (stupidly) honest I raised it with the driver. He explained that the orders must have been muddled, Fair enough! He searched through the orders. No luck finding the chicken. I said ‘we need something to roast on Sunday’.

He kept calling me “love” throughout the conversation. When I said “please don’t call me love” he accused me of abusing him on the doorstep. I spoke firmly but was in no way confrontational or aggressive, didn’t shout, swear et cetera. Notably he didn’t call either my daughter or husband anything, but did refer to me consistently as love. I felt seriously patronised and belittled.

My husband said “no one is abusing you, she just asked you not to patronise her by calling her love”. The driver repeated that he would not be abused and drove off.

We certainly did not swear, shout or get angry. I am very upset and hate confrontation. I put up with lots of everyday sexism as we all do. I am totally fed up. AIBU to never shop at Asda again.

OP posts:
steppemum · 09/11/2019 22:32

I get an Asda delivery every week.
The drivers are unfailingly nice polite and helpful.
I have never had a rude or unhelpful driver.

So yes, YABU to write off a whole shop because one person said something you don't like.
I agree that he was odd when he said you were abusing him, and I would want to go bakc to the company and complain about that, in case your address gets a black mark.

Write to customer services and explain why they need to teach their people not to use the term love (if you are that bothered.)

Our Asda employs loads of people who struggle to find work elsewhere, loads of people with disabilities and they offer loads of different shifts to suit working parents.

One driver is not the whole shop

WhiskeyLullaby · 09/11/2019 22:32

Except I don't generally mind being called love. I've said it before on the thread.

See what happens when you make assumptions?

spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 22:34

@WhiskeyLullaby did you advance search OP to find out how old her child was, I've looked back on this post and can't see her stating it?

eminems · 09/11/2019 22:34

How rude of you. Nothing sexist at all. Northern lass here and everyone is love here. All ages, all sexes. Get over yourself

Pardonwhat · 09/11/2019 22:35

WhiskeyLullaby

In that case, what on earth are you even going on about? Confused
I assumed you hated the term ‘love’.

WhiskeyLullaby · 09/11/2019 22:36

@spanglydangly yes,well the app version of it which sucks to be honest, and found one post about a daughter at Uni. Could be the same one or not, but it was bugging me.Grin

spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 22:39

@WhiskeyLullaby I admire your passion to try and make me look like I'd got it wrong.......... I didn't advance search but picked up on your my "little child" does this and it's endearing, when it was not even mentioned the age of the OPs child.

You've more time on your hands than me, you crack on love!

Hopefully OP, husband or uni daughter have located a chicken to roast tomorrow....

WhiskeyLullaby · 09/11/2019 22:46

@spanglydangly I actually wasn't. I mean i do think you're wrong about mum,dad,daughter(of whatever age) putting the shopping away being confrontational.

But you said child,I ran with it because I'm a doughnut and made assumptions too (should fucking take my own advice sometimes) then checked to see if I can find an age. Tbh if it was an actual child it would've worked in my favour. But I tend to be upfront and just shared what I found,despite making me look like a bit of a twat.Grin

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 07:51

In that case, what on earth are you even going on about? confused
I assumed you hated the term ‘love’.

🤦🏻‍♀️

@WhiskeyLullaby is one of the few people on this thread that has the common sense and empathy to understand that just because she doesn't mind being called love doesn't mean that she can't see that many women don't like it and that it's perctky to ask not to be called love.

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 07:53

@SarahNade excellent posts. 👏

Beacons of light in a sea of turdy 'poor man' posts.

Pardonwhat · 10/11/2019 08:13

Chloe84

Go on then.
You explain to me why the term ‘love’ which an overwhelming amount of people use is so offensive that OP would potentially like someone to lose their job over?
Rather than sucking the situation up over duck-gate.

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 08:21

Sigh. Many people on the thread have explained much more eloquently than I could that being called love can make you feel patronised and that it can be used as a sexist and misogynistic term. I agree with that. Sometimes being called love feels fine. Context is key.

Maybe this article will help: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/25/calling-women-love-endearment-insult

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 08:24

"Earlier this week I was on the train, reading the paper, when a young bloke got on and hurled himself into the seat next to me, sitting down on my coat. “Scuse me, love,” he barked, elbowing me as he turned on his iPad. Having Lady Bracknell somewhere in my DNA, I glared at him. “Sorry, love, is there a problem?” he said aggressively.

When they wouldn’t say such things to an older man, I don’t see why women should accept younger men calling us 'love'
There was a huge problem. My rage at being called “love” by this oaf wasn’t because he was a stranger, or because I dislike the word itself – when my boyfriend says it, I find it charming. It was first because it was used as a dismissive insult – the way male drivers snarl “mate” during a road-rage incident, the coward’s way of saying “dickhead” – and second, because I was a woman, older than him, and he was patronising me. Reducing me to a “love” added me to the ranks of doddery old ladies, woolly-permed no-marks getting in the way of his thrusting, crucial, game-hero existence.

Yes, this is traditionally the part where readers are invited to fill in their own “humourless feminist” remarks, and tweet “Jesus, get a grip!” But in many ways it is a feminist issue. When they wouldn’t say such things to an older man, presumably finding him more worthy of respect, I don’t see why women should accept younger, ruder men calling us “love”. In this context, it’s a term of casual, thoughtless dismissal, a less transatlantic form of “basic bitch”. And it’s sexist, without doubt, whenever it’s used to put a woman in her place."

Pardonwhat · 10/11/2019 08:28

Chloe84

Anything said aggressively is a problem.
Including “I NEED A CHICKEN”.

BillywilliamV · 10/11/2019 08:31

I call people "love" sometimes, it's an appalling habit, but it's just a habit.

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 08:55

@Pardonwhat it doesn't have to be said aggressively to be offensive, that was an example.

I tried to return a faulty item to a shop within a week of buying it. The shookeeper repeatedly refused to give me a refund, saying "the item was fine when you bought, love', and repeatedly called me love. He didn't raise his voice or get aggressive, but I felt very patronised and asked him not to call me love.

This thread has reinforced to me that I was right to object and to continue to object in future.

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 08:57

@Pardonwhat OP never said "I NEED A CHICKEN". Why do you feel the need to lie about what she said?

Pardonwhat · 10/11/2019 08:59

Chloe84

I think the issue is more with you that you’d take offence at something which is clearly not said offensively. We’re not going to agree on that.

How did I lie? I was bloody paraphrasing. Like I didn’t figure out that people could read the OP. Do you always take everything so literally? Confused

spanglydangly · 10/11/2019 09:00

Ok @Chloe84 aggressively saying "WE NEED SOMETHING TO ROAST ON SUNDAY" Hmm

Pardonwhat · 10/11/2019 09:01

spanglydangly

I hope your quote is factually correct.
We’ve been sworn under oath to this court document. Grin

chocolatemademefat · 10/11/2019 09:01

Appalling behaviour from a lowly driver. No wait - I mean get over yourself love.

EntropyRising · 10/11/2019 09:03

"Earlier this week I was on the train, reading the paper, when a young bloke got on and hurled himself into the seat next to me, sitting down on my coat. “Scuse me, love,” he barked, elbowing me as he turned on his iPad. Having Lady Bracknell somewhere in my DNA, I glared at him. “Sorry, love, is there a problem?” he said aggressively.

Sounds pretty grim. This is not the same as what happened to the OP, though?

spanglydangly · 10/11/2019 09:08

@Pardonwhat please could you proof read it for me? I fear this may end in a court case with the offending driver involved, the missing chicken and the duck! Grin

Dontdisturbmenow · 10/11/2019 09:14

Patronising someone is so much more in the tone of voice than the words chosen, something we can't judge on a forum, but it does sound like it is likely that OP sounds much more patronising herself than the poor delivery man.

Chloe84 · 10/11/2019 09:15

Ok @Chloe84* aggressively saying "WE NEED SOMETHING TO ROAST ON SUNDAY" hmm

Again with the lies 😂

The OP says she was not aggressive, and she sure as hell didn't use caps in her OP. It's interesting that you both use caps when quoting her.

When you need to deliberately misrepresent what OP said then that pretty much shows you have lost the argument. 🤷‍♀️