To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

[QueSera]

None of the grandparents to my DC have ever done a single thing to help.
After DC was born, and I almost died from post-partum bleeding, spent days in hospital, blood transfusions etc, dislocated something in my back so I could barely walk, several of the grandparents came to stay. They brought no food, did not offer to get any (we'd been in hospital for a week so had no food in the house), made no offer to help with anything, just sat there for a few days expecting DH and I to make them sandwiches, cups of tea etc. That was 8 years ago and nothing ever changed. I am very low contact with them all now.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

DH's parents never offered or babysat for DS, but they were quite elderly and in ill health, also they had 7 children and loads is grandchildren - DS has over 30 cousins. They did help DH when DSS1 and DSS2 were younger, MIL had them both all the time while DH worked (his exW left when DSS2 was a baby and had no contact with them).

My parents (and my nan) have operated an open door policy, looking after DS whenever DH and I went away, or DH was on night shift and I was away with work, or even in the school holidays, DF would often collect DS (with or without notice) and take him out fishing, or geocaching, or to help in the garden etc. They have taken him on holiday (and took DSS2 to Florida a few times as company for my younger sister without asking us to pay).

[gwenneh]

My parents stop short of being full-time child care for us and my mum has stated on several occasions that if she were retired she would absolutely do that, too. They'll often call and ask if the DC are bored and want to come over at the weekend, take them for overnights, have them on days off of school so DH and I can work (they own their own business so have more flexibility in schedules than we do.)

I have some friends whose parents' point of view is that they've raised their DC, their GC are their joy but not their day-to-day responsibility. I can understand that, but remain grateful that's not the way my family functions.

[Alicia9999]

Maybe I'm lucky because hte 5 grandparents our kids have were falling over themselves to provide us with care - looking after our kids was literally all they wanted to do and they were so excited about it.

If they just did a bit of babysitting when requested I'd be miffed!

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

My parents help loads, my mum in particular (my husbands parents live abroad so dont know what they are like). I am so grateful as I dont think I would have coped at times. When we had both babies she stayed with us for a few weeks, did washing and cooking and housework and walking with the babies in the day so I could nap. It probably saved me from PND (they live over an hour away by the way). They also come and stay for a few days if my husband has a longer trip with work, and help out ad hoc when the kids are ill (never ask them if ita v & d) if they are off nursery or school for more than a day or two.

One thing they were always clear about though was they didnt want to feel tied down and they wouldn't be providing regular childcare or doing any regular pick ups (same for my sibling who lives a lot closer).

My kids are so close to their grandparents and prefer them to us which is (mostly) nice to see.

It makes me think without question that I would do my best to help them in any way I can when they are older and need it. I know it's not tit for tat and I may have felt like that anyway but it's difficult to ignore

[possumgoddess]

I am a grandparent. With my first grandchild I was lucky enough to have an understanding boss who allowed me to change my hours around so I had an afternoon off and I looked after her then to reduce the number of hours she spent at nursery and the cost, and I had her overnight once a month. With the second and others I have them overnight roughly once a month, I have them for a few days at half term and we go out as a family or to the pantomime etc. but I don't do a lot of babysitting and whatever help I give is on my own terms, not on demand. This is because I work full time, I'm not very fit, and quite frankly I'm knackered! Some grandparents want to, and are more able to, do more than others. I love my grandkids to bits but there is no way I can manage to do more than I do at the moment. My daughter chose to have children, she didn't discuss what help I might be able to give beforehand, and quite frankly I think I give her quite a lot of support and I think she thinks I do too. She is their mother not me - I have brought up my own children and don't want to have to bring up any more! You shouldn't expect your parents' help to look after your children, accept it happily if you get it and be grateful. Before anyone gets on their high horse about being grateful, that is not meant in an unkind way, it is meant in the way that it is not your parents' job to provide childcare and so a thank you and a bit of appreciation is justified I think.

[Jadefeather7]

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap?

I’m just finding it impossible to imagine how I will cope with my son (who will probably be teething by then) and a new born. I’m hoping that my next baby won’t be as difficult as my first.

My husband will take 4-5 weeks off but after that I’m on my own and I found my first didn’t really settle until 4 months. My husband also travels abroad for for work and is away for around 3-4 weeks. He will cut down his trips but not totally- the next trip will be in my 2nd trimester (I will probably be back at work then!) and then probably again when the new baby is 3 months. I think I will probably need extra support during those trips. I guess I will need to look into temporary nannies and night nannies.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

My dds are older now but we have always lived a few hours away from my parents and they have never been especially interested in spending time with their GC. They are happy to have a visit (with me in attendance so no babysitting) over school hols but, if we donate go to them, they don’t see the children from one month to the next. My DPs haven’t exchanged a single word (or text) with my DD19 since June despite her passing her A levels, going off to University abroad and having a birthday in recent months. A congratulations card and a birthday present but that’s all. They are dutiful. They are not actively interested although they would be horrified if I were to say that to them. It’s not how they see themselves at all.
They want to move house to be closer to either me or DB. I don’t understand it. If you have never derived much interest or pleasure from your adult children or your grandchildren, why would you move? Are we suddenly more interesting as you hit your mid 70s? Is it because you think I will drive you to the supermarket on Mondays and the hairdresser on Fridays and invite you for lunch every Sunday? When DD2 goes to University in 5 years time, me and DH are OFF. There’s a whole world out there that we haven’t seen yet and I fully intend to spend our retirement the way my parents spent theirs - travelling, enjoying myself and not caring for my parents.

[Honeybee85]

@Jadefeather7

First weeks with DS were incredibly hard.
DH back to work fulltime and I was a first time mum alone with a 2 weeks old baby, a postpartum depression and no help.

I was in ‘survival mode’ and that is how I coped but it was incredibly hard and probably the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I still look back and wonder how I did it. I cried every day at that time and it still makes me sad that I didn’t enjoy ny baby much but was just busy coping.

[brassbrass]

At the moment regardless of how much help I was or was not given I feel like helping out is a good thing for family bonds and if it is possible I will offer as much help as I can.

[Cornishmum00]

My mil has never offered in 16 yrs but will usually help if asked. When dh asked her why she said she didn't want to interfere as she knew i had pnd and didnt want to make it worse, i would have loved an offer of any support at the hardest time

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

DParents and PIL live a good 9 hours away so not in the least but local.
My DParents used to come to us quite regularly when the DC were little ( they cannot travel now)

My Dad likes being out and about and was of the belief that babies sleep better being walked for miles in the big pram. My NDN often commented that she saw him out , and did my pram still have wheels

When I had DC2 they took them to the park, or sometimes (at my request) took DC2 out so that DC1 could have some 1:1 time with me .

My 2 are their only GC .The role they play is that of GrandParent not childcare .
The only stipulations I had was either reins (if age appropriate) or the DC on the inside away from traffic . Didn't mind if they took them to Greggs for a bun or Woollies for a toy . Just that they were safe on the road .


It was quite sweet when I went on holiday with them, my DS was maybe 8yo and decided he had to walk next to the road "to protect Grandad".

[brassbrass]

Offering my help to my DC that is not the parents or ILS!

[marshmellowed]

My dm does f all for me. Does loads for dsis

Just how it is. Although I do hope dsis is prepared because when dm needs care I won’t be doing a thing

[Curlyeyelash]

I moved over 200 miles away from from my family whilst I was pregnant with our daughter, so I don't see my own family much. Even if I did, both my parents are 70+ and would struggle to look after my daughter. (I am only 24, I just have very old parents aha)

My partners sister has 2 little girls aged 3 and 5, and his mother has two new girls from a new marriage aged 5 and 6 (his half sisters). I know that my partners Grandmother looks after all four girls nearly on a daily basis, to some extent, but she is paid to do it. (Which I find sort of odd, but I suppose paying a trusted and loved relative for childcare is better than a stranger).

Personally I wouldn't and don't utilise many childcare/babysitting options when they are offered by my partners family just as I don't feel it necessary at the moment. I am a SAHM right now and our baby is 15 months. Perhaps when she is over two and I look into working, I will consider it.

I will say that my partners Grandmother is an exceptionally lovely and helpful woman, and I know for a fact that if I ever wanted a break for the evening and she was available, she would be more than happy to do it.

Don't worry about it too much, there are plenty of people with grandparents that are TOO involved and they can't wait to see the back of them, so it's never perfect.

[Footiefan2019]

I feel like my family has a good balance. I do know a family where the child basically lives with the grandmother three nights a week to facilitate the parents working, and one family where the grandmother is extremely involved because she is almost obsessed with the grandchildren (2 kids preschool age of only child) so she spends all day with them and their mum basically and then has them every Saturday night and most of Sunday. But if this arrangement was stopped she would probably do something drastic

[Hannahmates]

On MN it seems like majority of parents tend to help their DDs with childcare a lot more compared to their DILs. Unsurprising since women are the ones bearing the brunt of raising children. They probably expect their DiL to get support from their own families.

[saraclara]

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap?

I just got on with it. I didn't expect anything else. My husband could only have three days paternity leave in those days, and the grandparents lived hours away.
There was a 20 month gap between my two. But having the second is nothing like having your first baby. You know what to do, you have more confidence, it's second nature. And you find a way.

That's not to say that I didn't envy my next door neighbour (who gave birth to her first a week after I had my second) when I saw her mum turn up with a pile of freshly laundered washing most days.

[shearwater]

My mum lives with us, but we also help her out too, it's reciprocal.

My inlaws used to have the girls for one day a week and they still go round for breakfast and after school once a week now.

We've always been able to afford to be self-sufficient, but it is also nice to have help, and for the girls to have a close relationship with their grandparents.

[AuntieMarys]

Dh and I are 60..he has a grand child from first marriage. We have never looked after her ....see her about every 6 weeks or so.

[Hannahmates]

@56GetOffTheTableMabel are you planning on offering help with your grandchildren in the future?

[KM99]

I'm hundreds of miles away from my parents, but they help loads when we see them.

Live pretty close to MIL, but she hasn't ever really helped. Bit of history there, but she favours her other grandkids and does more for them. It's not a big deal now our child is a bit older.

[krustykittens]

I lived in a separate country from my parents when my kids were little and the other end of the country from DH's parents. My mum loved coming over for the weekend and would look after my kids on her own. She was shattered when she went back but always said she enjoyed herself. My stepfather actively disliked them, I think, so never came with her. My PILs always made a fuss on the phone about how much they loved and missed the kids but never wanted to visit and expected us to go up all the time to them even though we were self employed and trying to raise the kids on our own often meant work bled into the weekends. With my eldest, before the age of three, if I mentioned we had been sick, they would say, "We would come down and help but eldest child is too young for us to look after." By the time she was three, the excuses were she was too OLD to look after. I must have blinked and missed the age where she was just right. And no, they were never asked to babysit our kids, it was so obvious they didn't want to. My mother and stepfather, on the other hand, had a lot of help with me. My Irish grandparents raised me from the age of two to eight while my parents worked in England, my Scottish grandmother used to take me during half terms while my Irish grandparents still looked after me every summer holiday. I adored my grandparents and I had a lot of cousins to run around with, but now that I have kids of my own, I appreciate how hard it must have been for them. My Irish grandparents were already in their 70s when I came along, as they had my mother very late in life and my Scottish grandmother was widowed so looked after me on her own when I was there. But I had a very close relationship with them all and absolutely adored them, so I hope that gave them a smile, no matter how tired they were. I adore both my girls and I hope they will settle close enough to let me be part of my grandchildren's lives. I can't understand family who won't help each other out, when they can. It's not fair to ask grandparents to become full time child minders but I really do not understand why they wouldn't want to spend a bit of one on one time with their grandchildren. It is such a special relationship, I know I won't want to miss out on it.

[bluebluezoo]

My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too

Sadly I think it is. Although I think it might be a “favoured child” thing as well- my mum helps out my sister a lot more as she parents in a similar way my mum did, we are very different personalities. The girl child is often favoured as firstly the girl is likely to be brought up as a “mini me”, and child rearing is seen as a female thing. Taking care of a dd’s baby is helping out your daughter, caring for a ds’s baby is helping out his wife, not him, iyswim.

My il’s would actually help out no problem. They offered to have them while I worked, overnights etc. Issue was they would often let us down because sil needed her to do something. That or she’d agree to have sil’s kids as well. School holidays would have been a baby, a tantrumming 4 year old, a severely autistic 10 year old, 2 incapable teenagers and a disabled husband.

Nice of her to offer and all, but no. I did mention to her that she’d struggle and she said it would be fine, the other kids would watch out for the baby. No. And in term time it would be baby going to sil’s house to do her housework.

[Alsohuman]

You really need to talk to them. If you look at MN and see how grandparents are viewed in some quarters, it might give you a clue. All the references to “our little family”, “they’ve had their turn” and similar charming phrases, it’s not hard to see why some grandparents might just get on with their own lives.