To wonder why some Grandparents help out...

[Jadefeather7]

I sometimes hear about people on here and in real life whose parents provide so much support and childcare for grand children. Sometimes they are providing almost full time care for their grandkids. Is that because they are close to their children, love their grandkids more or something else?

My own parents and in laws live close to me, have good health, are in their 60s and are retired but they don’t provide any support unless we ask them to babysit which we have done once or twice. They both had a lot of support from their own parents when they were raising kids, even though both my mum and mother in law were housewives. My mother in law has provided a fair bit of support to her daughter (travelling abroad to help her out) but not as much to her sons, I wonder if that’s a factor too.

We have purposefully chosen to live close to our parents so we can help them out when they need us. I believe that’s their expectation as well as all other siblings live far away. We both work (I’m on mat leave now) but we have always set aside one day on the weekend and alternate visiting each set of parents. At the moment we don’t provide care but we do a lot of their admin for them as they struggle with the internet etc. I guess it’s no where near what they have done for us but that’s the best we can manage.

In the end I know it’s their choice, I just wonder what others think.

I have a six month old and an unplanned baby on the way. I really struggled in the first few months when I had my first baby and nobody really helped me. At the moment I’m trying to get my head around how I will manage this time. I know I won’t have much family support again so will likely need to get paid help. It does make me a little sad if I’m honest, especially when I hear about how much support some people get.

[dottiedodah]

My parents helped me a lot with my DD, babysitting and coming out with me on the bus (didnt drive then!) And I was also lucky that GM also was about to visit /go out with. (SAHM then). I dont have any GC yet but if I do I would like to help out too .When I was little ,Nan looked after me SH and W/E too! I enjoyed being with her but was almost co parented!

[magicautumnalhues]

Some people can cope without support, some of us don't though and I'm not sure an expectation that you will just cope is sensible, better to plan support and roll it back if you find it easier than expected.

You may want a nanny that you are clear takes the babies out somewhere - baby groups, local library etc to tire them out rather than being in your home. I found the usual nanny that works in your home was only useful for spending time with one child at a time because I found it hard to relax with someone in my home.

You may find the older one gets fussier when you have the second, that's what I found. Think about your daily routine with 2 and what you'll do - it's hard, but getting out somewhere every day helped.

[MissConductUS]

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap?

For my second (they were 22 months apart) we hired a doula to come in five days a week for four or five hours a day. That was a godsend. She could help with both and it gave me time to nap, take a shower, run to the shops etc. It was money well spent.

[Blueroses99]

Haven’t RTFT but your baby is still quite young, my parents visited often but didn’t do much until my maternity leave came today an end, by which time DD was a bit older. Now they do loads for us, regular childcare and babysitting on an evening if we ask. They absolutely adore my DD and she loves being with them. They had been retired about a year before my maternity leave finished and were complaining about being bored so it was a bit of a win win.

[Jadefeather7]

@MissConductUS Doulas are only for short term right?

[Actionhasmagic]

This is so sad to read! I hope you manage to get some support - sometimes I wonder how so many not maternal people have families if they’re not going to be interested in those families for life!!!

[VividImagination]

I have 3dsc and 3dc. I started with teenagers, onto babies and now my last dc is a teenager (just) and I have done my parenting. I have one dgs at the moment (dsd’s) little boy and because he has special needs that make it very difficult for anyone else to look after him I do have him if he can’t go to school or to help dsd out as his needs make her life really hard. I have no plans to help with or look after any future I do not expect my children to look after me in my old age. I shall use their inheritance to pay for help if I need it.

YANBU to wish that your dc’s grandparents wanted to provide childcare for you but it would be unreasonable to expect it.

[Maidestone]

My parents helped me to the moon and back when my dc were younger.

My dad in particular - I think he feels he missed out on watching my brother and I grow up, because he was always working, so he wanted to make up for it with his grandchildren.

I worked mornings, plus two afternoons a week, so on those two afternoons my parents would collect my dc from school, feed them, read with them etc.

They had our dc to sleepover whenever dh and I wanted to go out at a weekend.

And then when the dc were at secondary school (a half hour drive away), they were more than happy to collect the dc at any time (or bring a forgotten cello or PE kit to school).

[Evilmorty]

@saraclara Yes I have asked and am told they can help me if they aren’t already helping SIL. And seeing as they are helping SIL 100% of the time, there’s no time available for my kids.

[Stompythedinosaur]

Dmil helps with our dc because she loves them (and a little bit because she wants to feel like a mum again I think).

Dm helps because she loves me! She obviously does the dc too, but she puts herself out to helps us out because of her relationship with me and her wish that I co tinge with my career and don't repeat some of the mistakes she feels she made.

[ChileConCarne]

My MIL, who is desperate beyond words for a grandkid, made clear that she would provide no help whatsoever with childcare if and when we have one (we’re not going to). That’s fine, but it was another tick in the ‘we’re never having kids’ box!

[Dissimilitude]

Some people are very family focused, and intent on helping their children every step of the way. Some much less so.

My own grandparents were hugely involved in me and my siblings upbringing, so much so we spent almost as much time at their house growing up as we did at my mums.

Roll forward 30-40 years and my grandparents are still around. Until recently they looked after my son (their great grandson) for half a day a week, until he started school.

My own mum did absolutely nothing throughout this time. She's a lot more self-centered, she simply hasn't the patience for young children. She helps out now with occasional babysitting, mostly I think because my children are the oldest and most self-sufficient (and therefore the easiest) of all my siblings children, so she gets to do her bit and thus avoid helping out my sisters (whose children are all more younger, i.e. more work).

[SimpleAndPlanned]

Did I read right in that your baby is only six months? Personally I wouldn't have wanted my baby away from me then and possibly they are thinking it's too young to offer?
Have you talked to them?

[IrmaFayLear]

It's luck of the draw, really.

You want grandparents who are at just the right age: early retired, 60s. Any younger and they're still working, any older and they tire easily (even if they deny it!) and will probably find toddlers exhausting. Add into that you want gps who don't like to travel/go on holiday and it helps if you are the dd and not the dil (I know there are exceptions but see 20 billion threads on MN). Also helps if you are the only child or the first one to have gc (norotious bad luck for later dcs as the novelty has worn off and gps have had enough).

And you have to hope that the gp are nice people. The pil grudgingly agreed to look after ds whilst I was having dd in hospital. Fil called the hospital multiple times to ask when dh was coming back because "mil was bored". They complained we'd left the house in a state and nothing for them to eat (dd arrived several weeks early). So the night of dd's birth ended with dh and fil having a blazing row about their priorities...

[lotusbell]

I split with my EXH, DS12's dad when I was 8 months pregnant. Lived and worked in a different town to my parents and was hell bent on staying put but moved into my parents with baby when he was born. Moved to a house up the road just before he turned 1. Couldn't have done it without them. Sadly lost my mum 5 years ago but still live 1 minute away from my dad and although son is older, he still helps out when needed and asked. Always willing, no questions asked. I have a partner and good relationship with EXH but still so so grateful I had support from parents when I needed it most.

[Evilmorty]

For those who don’t have support, how did you manage the early weeks/ months particularly if you had multiples or a small age gap?

I had a small age gap of 15 months. I just hurtled from one day to the next at the start, and then found that I finally got in to my groove and now it’s fine. I just keep going. Often find that I struggle to remember the early days now though which I find sad, it’s because all I was doing was getting through the days.

My own DM is becoming more helpful as the older ones grow up I’m finding now, she would have helped but couldn’t cope with babies as she is disabled but an older child is fine. The only time I struggle now is if I am ill or in an emergency.

[alolimadayi]

You're not unreasonable to wonder. My in laws adore my daughter but are 3,000 miles away and would love to help but can't. My parents are well and 40 mins away but haven't aknowledged my daughter in 18 months, even as they've been made aware I'm also 35 weeks pregnant. I stopped contacting them to ask if they'd please spend time with my daughter when she turned one and I got tired of asking. Since I stopped asking there's been no contact as if I don't contact I don't hear from them. They spend time with my brother's children but he only lives five minutes from them so amongst other reasons I think it suits them better to only do what is entirely convenient. I've come to the conclusion that for whatever reason some grandparents don't prioritise that role or aspire to it. While it's their choice I equally can't bring myself to care about them and wouldn't offer them support in old age that wasn't convenient to me. I couldn't imagine as a mother knowing my daughter was so pregnant and with a two year old who didn't even know me, and be perfectly capable and available to spend time with them but just always be "busy".

[Xyzzzzz]

I’ve got support with from my parents. They also helped my sister with her children. I do need a bit more support though cause I was diagnosed with PND. sometimes I think my sister thinks I take the piss cause I come and stay with my parents sometimes, see my mum twice a week.

[Alittleprivacyplease]

What sort of support do you mean op? 6 months is very young to be expecting childcare I think. I had a lot of support from my parents over the years but for the first 12 months that would involve me visiting my mum and handing her the baby while I had a quick nap or her popping round and taking him out for a walk for an hour, and I was on my knees with sleep deprivation and a very grumpy reflux baby whom I was raising alone. They only started having him overnight when he was around 18 months and sleeping better, I don't think it would have been fair to expect my mum to get up 10 times a night with a baby who just wanted me. Personally I found support in the form of childcare much more useful once mine was school age.

[Jadefeather7]

@SimpleAndPlanned

It wasn’t about anyone taking him away. I had a baby that screamed all his waking hours. Constantly. They saw that. They all said how terrible it was. I wanted someone to say “let me take him for a few hours so you can rest, go for a walk etc”.

This time around I will eventually be heavily pregnant with a 10-12 month old who will probably need carrying around, might be teething etc. I will also at some point be recovering from a c section and my husband will probably need to look after the older baby so another pair of helping hands for me in the early weeks will be so useful. I don’t think I can rely on them for that.

[Evilmorty]

Ah yes, I was recovering from a csection too and was very very lucky that my DH had so much annual leave to take. The middle one wasn’t walking yet and was very big at over a stone, so still needed carrying everywhere and the school run had to be done.

Can your DH take some annual leave?

[Evilmorty]

I’d also start looking at ways to work around it now - invest in a very good double buggy and it will change your life. Think about schools where they are accommodating with after school club. Make friends with local mums at playgroups as well so you have friends to help you. The Salvation Army have been my rock.

[ChocolateTeapot1]

My parents do a lot, they do full-time childcare for our youngest and run around doing nursery pickups with the other, they’ll also have our children for sleepovers when we ask too. I don’t think we could manage without them. The arrangements have come about because I asked though, it wasn’t magic, they didn’t beg to have our children full-time! They love our children though and do tell us they love having them. If they aren’t happy they are quite straight forward and will tell us that too, if they want a break they say so. We are so so grateful.

Maybe if you tried asking they would help more?

[littlehappyhippo]

YANBU.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

This is a really sensitive subject for me and I feel your pain.

My lovely Mum and Dad helped my Dsis out loads before they passed away, this was before I had my DS.

Ds was born severely disabled the year after the last of my parents, my Mum had died, so I wasn't lucky enough to benefit from from their help and wisdom.

It hurts more because Dh's parents, my in-laws are very much alive, fit and well and yet have never once offered to have Ds for even half an hour. Ds is now 14.

It is extra painful because I know how brilliant my Mum and Dad would have been with him and yet never got the chance, whilst in-laws couldn't give a shit about him.

Even DH is ashamed of them.