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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a strange person banging on your door at 5am is scary.

132 replies

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/11/2019 05:42

This morning I got woken up by the entry phone to my flats, it was a drink guy asking for someone to ring him a taxi. I rang him the taxi because I thought that was the right thing to do, it's cold outside. I rang the taxi and we were chatting he wanted me to come down, because he was drunk I didn't commit either way. I put the phone down and start getting ready for work and he rings again asking where I am and whether he should bother waiting if I don't come down. I just reiterated that the taxi was coming. He'd spotted that the downstairs door to the flats wasn't locked. Next thing I know he's knocking on my front door and although it's locked it only has one basic lock on it, no chain or deadbolt and it scared me. I went into the bathroom and rang the police who actually said I should check what he wants! The operator had no compassion and basically baulked at the fact I was hiding in my bathroom. 18 minutes later the police arrive and tell me I shouldn't have ordered him a taxi. I'm just upset with the way the police responded effectively blaming me for being a good Samaritan. I feel so unsettled, mostly by the police. Was I wrong to order him a taxi?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/11/2019 08:52

It's not victim blaming. OP made a choice to engage with a drunk strange man, common sense and boundaries suggest this is a risky thing to do. There is absolutely a level of personal responsibility to risk assess situations and assert boundaries, which the OP didn't do. That doesn't make her responsible for his behaviour but it should make her rethink her own.
Knowing that drunk men are often unpleasant, boundary violating and dangerous (which most of us know through first hand experience) means that asserting boundaries with them is good sense. The OP needs to learn that.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/11/2019 08:53

I'd call it woman blaming. Drunk man phones her. She reacts as best she can, he harasses her. He was a drunk harasser. He would not have done the same if a man had answered the phone. This is a woman being abused by a male abuser. Of course when his abuse escalated she could have called 999 - she was in potential danger. Chances are if she had told him to fuck off, politely said 'no', or whatever he'd have still harassed her. Her behaviour is not up for scrutiny here, his is and so is the reaction of the police. A police force that takes violence against women seriously would have taken her call seriously and would not have called her behaviour into question. This is part of a bigger picture of woman blaming and shaming and letting men off the hook for harassment and other crimes. I've had similar - reported. adownstairs neighbour for harassing me and it all got turned on me - basically 'what are you doing to provoke him', 'wait 'till he actually hits you' and 'stop wasting our time'. Millions of other women have had similar and some have ended up dead because the police did not take them seriously or they were blamed for leading him on or wearing frilly knickers or suchlike.

obviously · 08/11/2019 08:53

Nice lot of victim blaming on this thread.

What the fuck Hmm

What victim?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous, a guy was knocking on OP's door. Hardly a victim Confused

Derbee · 08/11/2019 08:54

YWBU. You shouldn’t have engaged

CottonSock · 08/11/2019 08:55

A women once demanded I call her a taxi. I refused and she hurled abuse at me. I was really shaken aswell op, so totally understand how you feel.

Original poster
CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/11/2019 08:55

@WorldEndingFire thanks for that. My landlord lives in Australia and it took six months to get her to agree to the peep hole and then tried to charge me for it. The management company of the building are even worse when you need something sorted. Both myself and my neighbours above me are going to ring the management company, effectively the front door is inadequate, you have to really push hard to get it to close and you have to manually lock it. I've never lived in a block of flats where the front door doesn't automatically close and lock.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/11/2019 08:57

"I doubt she had the time to wait 45 minutes to get through the non emergency line."

I've always gone through pretty quickly either with the non-emergency number or through phoning the local police number.

Original poster
CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/11/2019 08:57

@CottonSock I was worried that if I refused he might get aggressive and damage my car that's parked near the entrance.

OP posts:
darkcloudsandrainstorms · 08/11/2019 09:02

You should not have engaged with him in the first place.

transformandriseup · 08/11/2019 09:03

When I first moved to a busy town (from a small village) I was on my own in my flat at night. Over the years a few people have rang the intercom in the middle of the night and one (drunk) man got into the building and was banging on my door. I called the police (111, not 999) and they came over straight away and I then found it was a drunk neighbour but the police said I had done the right thing. I wouldn't have called the man a taxi but I don't blame the OP for panicking and I think the police were a bit harsh.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/11/2019 09:10

I’ve never lived in a block of flats where the front door doesn't automatically close and lock.

I’ve never lived in a flat where you don’t have to lock the door manually tbh, it’s not that unusual

CodenameVillanelle · 08/11/2019 09:10

You're in a block of flats. How would he know which car was yours? If you thought he was likely to damage your car you should have phoned the police immediately Confused
It's not woman blaming to say that she shouldn't have engaged with him. Talking to him, keeping him on the phone, calling him a cab were not a safe way to handle him.

elprup · 08/11/2019 09:11

She reacts as best she can, he harasses her.

No. Reacting the best she could would have been to ignore him.

I used to live in a block of flats in London where we’d occasionally get someone ringing all the door buzzers in the early hours of the morning. They were invariably drunk or on drugs, wanted somewhere to crash for the night (the communal staircase in our building!) and were hoping someone would accidentally buzz them in. Luckily it was a rare occurrence, but we were warned never to answer the door and they usually gave up after five minutes anyway.

Dutchesss · 08/11/2019 09:14

Please tell me you didn’t phone 999
This is exactly when you would call 999. Not wait until it's too late to see what the drunk stangers intentions were. He was trying to break into her house!
I hope this thread doesn't put anyone off of calling 999 in an emergency like this. Some women have not got off so lightly.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/11/2019 09:20

No. Reacting the best she could would have been to ignore him

A woman answers the phone. A man replies. After this it's game on. He heard her voice and he knows it's a woman. She could have said a polite 'no', or 'go away or I'll call the police' or 'fuck off'. She could not control what he did next which was to break into the building and bang on her door. Or are women not supposed to answer their door phones now?

GinDaddy · 08/11/2019 09:27

Some really ghastly bashing of the OP on this thread, as per usual Hmm

OP, you did the right thing to order him a taxi. You then did the right thing to call the police when he started to get random.

Everyone else, hope you stay nice and warm in your homes - hope you can remember sometimes that you're probably 3-6 salary payments away from financial peril, and two or three emotional life events away from mental illness. So enjoy your security while you judge.

Good on you @CandlesBlanketsandTea nothing wrong with kindness as long as you stay 100% safe. Glad you didn't open your door.

Aridane · 08/11/2019 09:36

Good on you for calling a taxi for him

But

we were chatting he wanted me to come down, because he was drunk I didn't commit either way

this where you went wrong

You should have said, no, I won't be coming down, not keeping it open as a possibility

Tapbath · 08/11/2019 09:36

You shouldn't of rang a taxi and unfair on the taxi company if they turn up ans he was no longer there or had no money to pay but the police were unreasonable to say you should go check what he wants.

Justaboy · 08/11/2019 09:37

I called the police (111, not 999) and they came over straight away

Wewll you were very lucky then last time i did that the responce was some 36 Hours later!.

InsertFunnyUsername · 08/11/2019 09:37

You were trying to be kind. It back fired and an utter arsehole put you in a horrible position. YWNBU. I probably wouldn't do it again OP and try get your landlord to sort out a lock.

AutumnRose1 · 08/11/2019 09:40

I think it was wrong to ring a cab

Do you say “Hi, there’s a drunk guy demanding a cab, please get him??”

I’m surprised they agreed to it.

I would have ignored the door phone if not expecting anyone because this is exactly the shit that goes round here.

Original poster
CandlesBlanketsandTea · 08/11/2019 09:43

To those of you saying I shouldn't have engaged the operator actually asked me to check with him what he wanted!

Also I know lots of people who go out, phone runs out of battery and need to get a taxi, not all of them are dangerous.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/11/2019 09:46

You did what you thought was right at the time.

I can understand the Police POV too, as in their eyes you had a drunk guy knocking at your door 'that's all' (again, in their eyes). Had he been trying to kick it down and force entry, I'm sure they would've felt it a different matter.

18 minutes response time was brilliant though (compared to here anyway), as most of the time they couldn't respond that quickly even if he was smashing your windows.

It was a horrible thing to happen but I'd try to put it out of your mind now if you can.

PumpkinP · 08/11/2019 09:47

I would have ignore the buzzing. Can’t believe you called him a cab Hmm

Interestedwoman · 08/11/2019 09:48

I wouldn't blame yourself. The police can be really crap like this- they blamed me for a bloke sexually bullying me, when I hadn't done anything wrong. I suppose blaming someone gives them an excuse not to come out/do anything. So sorry you had a scary experience. Hugs xxx

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