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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop ex having our child for a full day

81 replies

MG08 · 07/11/2019 18:01

Me and my husband have separated, it's still early days so nothing is official. Our child is 18 months old. She is still breastfeed and when I am at work I come home to feed her during the day. My ex sees her a couple of times during the week when he can be bothered to turn up and then a day at the weekend. He has never had her on his own at the weekend as he always goes out with his parents. He has said she doesn't need a routine and has asked why I don't give her freedom to do what she wants. He is refusing to pay child maintenance. He has made no provisions to provide a place for our daughter to sleep or eat at his. Because of this I have requested he return her to me at lunchtime so I can feed her and she can nap in her bed. He then picks her up again and has her for the afternoon. He says he wants her for the day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 07/11/2019 18:05

Well he needs to have a cot/travel cot for her and you can send expressed milk for her lunchtime drink but otherwise I see no reason why not. He will have to feed her lunch at lunchtime and let her nap though. Is he saying that isn’t necessary?

Go to CMS for child support.

Winterdaysarehere · 07/11/2019 18:06

As he isn't meeting any of her basic needs Yanbu to tell him to FO...
Seek Cms.
A court would say she needs a bedroom ime...
Tell him he needs to provide one. Until then he can FO...
And his dps need a kick for enabling a lazy twat.

PotteringAlong · 07/11/2019 18:07

Yes, you are. What he does with regard to naps when he has her is nothing to do with you. She doesn’t need feeding in the day because you don’t feed her when you’re at work.

Go to the CMS and stop withholding access.

InDubiousBattle · 07/11/2019 18:07

YABa bit U. It would seem ridiculous for him to have her in the morning, her go back to you and then him take her for the afternoon- he should have her for the full day but organise somewhere for her to sleep (buggy? His bed?)and eat (although the he could sit her on his knee). He's being a complete twat about maintenance though.

PotteringAlong · 07/11/2019 18:08

Sorry, I’ve just seen that you come home to feed her in the day. At 18 months though you don’t need to do this and your supply will be fine.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 07/11/2019 18:11

A court would say she needs a bedroom ime

Not for just daytime contact surely?

MegaClutterSlut · 07/11/2019 18:13

Yabu imo

PumpkinP · 07/11/2019 18:14

Yabu.

And maintenance and contact aren’t linked

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 18:36

At 18 m she can have cows milk or expressed. But tbh most wont have a bottle at that time. Sadly it's up to him how he parents within reason
But put a case in for child maintenance

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/11/2019 18:46

Yes you are being unreasonable. Sort out payments with CMS and let him have her for a full day. She can nap in a buggy, a travel cot or a cushion on the floor.

Pussinboots25 · 07/11/2019 18:59

@sweeneytoddsrazor are you the father?

IHateWashingUp2 · 07/11/2019 19:02

You need to think (or you may have already thought?) about whether there is any serious probability of him not keeping her safe - if he thinks she should have “freedom”, that may be an issue. How old was she when you split and what was he like at looking after her then (nappy changing, awareness of dangers of all kinds, etc)?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/11/2019 19:02

Why would I be the father because I think its unreasonable he can't have his daughter for the day? He is unreasonable for not paying for her whuch needs addressing but withholding contact isnt the way to address it.

WagtailRobin · 07/11/2019 19:11

In my opinion maintenance and contact are separate issues but yes both need to be addressed properly.

As for the matter of contact, I don't want to sound unkind but I think you're being unreasonable and ever so slightly controlling. He will never learn how to cope with her on his own if you're refusing to let him try.

She's his daughter too and the end of your relationship has nothing to do with the relationship with his child; Do not confuse the two or allow it to motivate access/non access.

At 18 months old she can nap in her pram (or similar) and I am sure it is absolutely fine for her to miss one breast-fed "meal" a week, it won't affect your supply nor your bond with her.

plantainchips · 07/11/2019 19:13

Yabu

PepePig · 07/11/2019 19:13

Go to CMS immediately and get him paying child maintenance. Tell him he can have her for the whole day as soon as he sorts out her own space for her (so at least a travel cot, a couple of toys and books, etc). Could you express for the day he has her?

It doesn't sound like he wants much to do with her, to be honest. I think the whole day thing is a power play. Explain to him that if he wants to be in her life he needs to grow up, pay up, and start being a dad. If he isn't interested in giving her her own space and providing I'd honestly deny contact and let him go to court for it.

Deadbeat dads are the worst. He needs to provide and be a stable figure in DDs life. Honestly, if my ex wasn't interested in this then he'd not be seeing her. But that's me.

Starlight456 · 07/11/2019 19:14

Cms for maintenance.

At 18 months your dd will be fine without milk through the day . As a cminder I have parents whose children that age feed when they see mum but never mention it with me .

Ask him to get a travel cot. II think denying a whole day with dad is unreasonable

AloeVeraLynn · 07/11/2019 19:14

Confused an 18 month old will be absolutely fine to not breastfeed for a day while she's with her dad. I say this as someone breastfeeding an almost two year old, so I'm not disregarding how comforting it can be for toddlers but there's absolutely no need for it to be an obstacle in her relationship with her dad. It comes across as a bit vindictive and something you can use for control.

plantainchips · 07/11/2019 19:15

@PepePig

You couldn’t stop him even if you wanted to, I’m a fraud. You can’t unilaterally decide that

nutbrownhare15 · 07/11/2019 19:33

She'll be fine not to bf to sleep one day a week at that age. My DH looked after our DD all day while I worked at the same age, she just napped in buggy. You do need to get on to CMS as previous posters have said

Original poster
MG08 · 07/11/2019 19:41

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate opinions on both sides

He hasn't provided anywhere for her to sleep because all he does is take her out so they wouldn't be home at nap time. He has to either be with his parents at theirs or they all go out, he doesn't know what to do with her otherwise. When we were still together he did no care at all, he was never interested and would tell me when she had a dirty nappy. I don't dispute that my daughter loves him at all but he has no idea of her needs because he never has done and he constantly disagrees when I speak about the importance of routine and how it is especially important at the moment because she needs security whilst her life is changing. He will never have her on his own, for him its about being a dad when he's on show and his parents can tell him how amazing he is. He constantly messages me when he is due to come here to say he's no longer coming, I get no notice at all, because that's the time when no one is watching him be a dad so it means nothing to him, but he gets very uptight about the weekends, because that's about his parents access not his.

I'm not stopping access, I have never denied him seeing her, he has chosen the frequency, I am just trying to ensure her little world remains as normal as possible.

He refuses to pay child maintenance because he says he cannot afford it and that we need to sell the house, where me and our daughter are still obviously living, in order for him to make payments.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 19:43

Does he work

DonKeyshot · 07/11/2019 19:44

How long is a 'full day'?

If it's 8am - 8pm that's the equivalent of an overnight stay which I very much doubt a court would grant him for a breast-fed child of 18months old.

I would suggest you ask for clarification in writing of what he actually means by 'giving her the freedom to do what she wants'. Does this mean that he can opt out of giving her food, a nap, changing her nappy, etc because she doesn't want to comply?

I would also suggest that you file for divorce, tell him child arrangements will be addressed as part of the proceedings and until then the status quo prevails.

Needless to say, you should use the CMS to claim maintenance now.

RolytheRhino · 07/11/2019 19:46

She can nap in a buggy, a travel cot or a cushion on the floor

A cushion on the floor?!?!

WelcomeToShootingStars · 07/11/2019 19:47

Unless there is violence or abuse towards the child, no parent should ever have the right to deny the other parent access to the child, and him having her for a full day is very reasonable.

Maintenance is a separate issue for you to address, but it isn't pay per view. He's her father irrespective of how much he pays.

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