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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop ex having our child for a full day

81 replies

MG08 · 07/11/2019 18:01

Me and my husband have separated, it's still early days so nothing is official. Our child is 18 months old. She is still breastfeed and when I am at work I come home to feed her during the day. My ex sees her a couple of times during the week when he can be bothered to turn up and then a day at the weekend. He has never had her on his own at the weekend as he always goes out with his parents. He has said she doesn't need a routine and has asked why I don't give her freedom to do what she wants. He is refusing to pay child maintenance. He has made no provisions to provide a place for our daughter to sleep or eat at his. Because of this I have requested he return her to me at lunchtime so I can feed her and she can nap in her bed. He then picks her up again and has her for the afternoon. He says he wants her for the day.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 07/11/2019 19:48

You need to get proper legal advice about the house and finances. Is he not contributing anything towards the house at all?

Original poster

MG08 · 07/11/2019 19:58

With regards to giving her freedom this was when I explained she needed to have lunch and then a nap during the day, he told me I wasn't allowing her freedom, that she would tell me when she was tired and hungry and that I was restricting her. This is what concerns me, he isn't putting her need first, he thinks I'm just saying it to be difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

MG08 · 07/11/2019 20:00

He was paying the bills and I was paying the mortgage, this has always been the case for us but I was advised to swap so that I could claim reductions on council tax etc so he now pays the mortgage, I don't know if this affects child maintenance?

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/11/2019 20:04

She does need to have lunch and a nap but the time and place doesn't need to be set in stone. Have you never had a full day out with her or do you always come home in the middle of the day for her feed and nap?

Starlight456 · 07/11/2019 20:12

Believe me he can learn the hard way .

As a Cm I have had parents not want to nap . They do they might go later but can’t keep going.

He will not have a happy hippie child not following any structure .

Starlight456 · 07/11/2019 20:13

Can I also add I would also get legal advice on him paying all the mortgage.

Darkstar4855 · 07/11/2019 20:14

If he is paying the mortgage you may not be entitled to maintenance on top but worth checking. There’s an online calculator you can use to work it out.

Original poster

MG08 · 07/11/2019 20:18

Thank you, I will try and look into it. I know he would learn the hard way about not making her nap but then I don't want to put my child through the distress of that to teach him a lesson.

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 07/11/2019 20:19

As PP said she needs a nap but the place doesn't need to be set in stone.

An 18 month old she would surely be using a sippy cup and there's no real need to BF during the day, especially as you're coming home from work to do this - could you not express.

I understand its frustrating when he's unreliable but unfortunately OP he has as much right as you do, and you don't get to dictate all the terms.

PracticallySpeaking · 07/11/2019 20:23

YANBU She is still breastfed and you come home to feed her from work. You shouldn’t change her routine just because he feels like he has some “right” to have her for a full day. I bet if you were still together he’d be letting you get on with this routine - but now you’ve split he’s demanding “his” time. Sounds like he’s thinking more about himself that your daughter.

This whole demanding 50/50 time thing is such bollocks sometimes, from the same men who were in no way trying to push to spend 50% of the time with their children or doing child related things (preparing meals, washing clothes, bathtime, bedtime, etc.) when they were still with the mum. I don’t see people arguing for this rigid must spent 50% of time with mum and 50% of time with dad when couple are still together, it’s just assumed the mum will take on the primary role

GoodDogBellaBoo · 07/11/2019 20:31

At 1,5 years she could eat spaghetti bolognese or whatever she likes for lunch, most children that age do so feeding shouldn’t be an issue at least. He doesn’t sound very nice, but it is still her father.

AhNowTed · 07/11/2019 20:35

He has every right. The child has two parents and the mother doesn't get to dictate. He's not some second class parent here just because he's a man.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 07/11/2019 20:38

I wouldn’t mind hearing his side of the story in this to be honest. I am even wondering if you breastfeed this long to exclude him having her for one entire day.

Original poster

MG08 · 07/11/2019 20:38

Thank you PracticallySpeaking, that's what I find so frustrating. Our routine has not changed from the one we had when he was here. His mother used to say he never had a routine and did what he wanted and we both disagreed with this and knew the importance of structure for our daughter. Now he is living with her he is now of the same opinion. This is the main reason for our separation anyway, that he is married to his mother, not me. He couldn't give a stuff when she woke every hour over night, he'd try and settle her once for a few minutes before getting me to go in. He never prepared her food, got her washed and dressed, put her to bed. He didn't ever provide for her financially when we were together let alone now. But now he's supposedly so capable of caring for her when he never actually has.

OP posts:

angell84 · 07/11/2019 20:45

Wow OP you sound very bitter.

You act like you are the more important parent. Why do you think that? Why do your views have more importance than his?

You are both equal parents.

What does all "he was bad to me in our relationship" etc. have to do with his contact with her?

It sounds like you are trying to with hold contact out of spite. That is a very inmature road to go down.

Remember, put the child first. Do not use her to hurt the other parent, or you will hurt her too

AhNowTed · 07/11/2019 20:49

Unfortunately your arguments about who did what and the routine are irrelevant now. You are no longer together and he has as much parental right as you do.

Pussinboots25 · 07/11/2019 20:52

@sweeneytoddsrazor you suggested she sleep on a cushion on the floor. How ridiculous

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/11/2019 21:02

A big cushion can work for a short afternoon nap, it's not for an entire night.

RolytheRhino · 07/11/2019 21:02

You act like you are the more important parent. Why do you think that? Why do your views have more importance than his?

Because she is the most important parent, as the primary care giver of an 18 month old. There is a reason he wouldn't be awarded overnights at this stage, for example. At this age, the primary caregiver is absolutely the most important parent.

angell84 · 07/11/2019 21:08

@rolytherhino he is not asking for overnight visits.

He is absolutely entitled to a full day visit.

angell84 · 07/11/2019 21:11

@RolytheRhino the OP also says that "nothing has been organised yet", so she does not have primary custody, they just have not organised it yet.

RolytheRhino · 07/11/2019 21:18

rolytherhino he is not asking for overnight visits.

I know. I was using it as an example of how it is acknowledged that the primary care giver is more important for the child- if they weren't then there'd be no reason not to go straight to overnights.

the OP also says that "nothing has been organised yet", so she does not have primary custody, they just have not organised it yet

Again, I know. I never said she has primary custody. From what she's said about the father not having done much of the basic day to day of raising the child thus far, she is the primary care giver and always has been, even when they were together.

Joerev · 07/11/2019 21:18

Unless there is drugs. Violence or abuse. No parent should be denied the right to try to be a parent

I’m sorry but you do sound controlling. Just because he didn’t do it with you doesn’t mean he can’t

If she goes one day without a nap. It’s not the end of the world.

Friend is a child psychiatrist and always says that no child should ever be away from their parents unless absolutely necessary

angell84 · 07/11/2019 21:23

I agree @Joerev

Op, let him have the child for the day!

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 21:51

Does
He
Have
A
Job
?
If so start a cm claim now. It can't be backdated. Go see a solicitor and get advice.

But he can parent how he likes.

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