To stop ex having our child for a full day

[MG08]

Me and my husband have separated, it's still early days so nothing is official. Our child is 18 months old. She is still breastfeed and when I am at work I come home to feed her during the day. My ex sees her a couple of times during the week when he can be bothered to turn up and then a day at the weekend. He has never had her on his own at the weekend as he always goes out with his parents. He has said she doesn't need a routine and has asked why I don't give her freedom to do what she wants. He is refusing to pay child maintenance. He has made no provisions to provide a place for our daughter to sleep or eat at his. Because of this I have requested he return her to me at lunchtime so I can feed her and she can nap in her bed. He then picks her up again and has her for the afternoon. He says he wants her for the day.

AIBU?

His mother used to say he never had a routine and did what he wanted and we both disagreed with this and knew the importance of structure for our daughter. Now he is living with her he is now of the same opinion

His mother may have chosen child-led parenting, but I assume that there was consistency and stability for the child because he was with her all of the time and didn't have to adjust or adapt to his df imposing a structured routine on those days when he was in his df's care.

Childen need consistency and stability and I believe that this is particularly important for pre and non-verbal children, and more especially for infants who can become unsettled when their usual routine, whether this is child-led or structured, is disturbed.

Your stbxh is behaving like a complete twat and showing very little consideration for the needs of your dc. He may have the right to parent as he wishes, but not at the expense of his child, nor should his parenting style cause her to be needlessly confused or upset which I'm sure she would be if she's deprived of her mid-day breast feed and nap.

I'm surprised at some of the responses you've been given and I refuse to believe that so many parents would be as cavalier about their children's welfare as they claim to be.

I suggest you report your thread and ask mumsnet to move it to the Relationships board where responders are more likely to put the welfare and well-being of your dd first and foremost.

@DonKeyshot

"Childen need consistency and stability and I believe that this is particularly important for pre and non-verbal children, and more especially for infants who can become unsettled when their usual routine, whether this is child-led or structured, is disturbed"

Ideally, yes they do,

Unfortunately this is a consequence of the parents splitting up and no longer living in the same house.

Its not ideal, but it is no excuse to deny a father parenting his child. He has the same parental rights as the mother.

And he's only asking for a whole day, not even overnight!

Thank you DonKeyshot, I really appreciate your reply.

People who say I am bitter, yes I am, my husband has walked out on us because he is more concerned about being a good son than a husband or father. But that is not affecting my issues regarding contact. I am not stopping access at all, I am asking him to put the needs of our daughter first to minimise the disruption to her life.

I have said he can bring her home for lunch and a nap and he can stay and do all of this, be he doesn't want to. He used to stay whilst she ate dinner and had a bath then he would read a story before bed but that lasted less than a week after he moved out, now he comes for less than an hour and leaves again before dinner. So my frustrations are based on his lack of effort with his daughter when his parents aren't involved. We all used to go to a baby group once a week and now he doesn't come to that anymore because I said he need to make his own way there. He only cares about having her at the weekend because its about his parents being able to do the parenting for him. I've offered him time on his own with her at our house whilst I popped to get something and he declined. I am not stopping him from being with her for a full day but have said if he isn't going to provide a place for her to sleep then that contact will have to be here, but again he declined because he only wants to be with her when his parents are there, and also he only wants to have her when he's going out somewhere so he doesn't have to think about how to entertain her.

OP I do understand really, he's a shit father or at least has been up till now.

But you can't insist he keeps coming to your house to see his child while you "pop out", or expect him to bring him to your house mid afternoon for a nap. That's just not realistic and I'm not surprised he's refused.

Where I do agree with you is he needs to provide the basics like a cot or bed, of course he does and it's ridiculous that he hasn't.

Also if his parents are good grandparents I'd be very grateful they're around.

You're not reading the replies.
He's not together with you anymore.
So it's up to him how he parents on his own time. You don't get a say.
She's not a baby, she's doesn't need to be breastfed, she eats meals, she'll fall asleep when she needs it.
It's not hard to see why your relationship broke down, do you find it hard to see things from other people's pov.

@mankyfourthtoe that last sentence is uncalled for. You have no idea why they split up.

Honestly, what you are suggesting isn’t a long- term plan at all.

He can’t keep seeing her at your house while you pop out. He can’t keep not having her all day or not even overnight.

You aren’t with him anymore. For the next 17 or so years of her life, you will both move on and parent in different ways. You have no say over how he parents, anymore. Literally none at all. It sucks but that’s how it is when you split up.

You aren’t being reasonable. If he is only having her for the day then she can nap in the buggy/wherever they are etc.

You can’t expect him to come back to your each visit, that’s very constricting.

I workd in a nursery where sleep was on foldable mats. She could sleep on his bed. On a made up bed on the floor. That isn,t up to you.

YABU. ROutine and naps are a parenting choice - I agree with you but it's a personal decision and he's a parent, he can parent how he likes when he has his daughter. I know plenty of mums that are laissez faire about naps, mealtimes and let their kids stay up till 11 at night at 2 years old. It's up to them

And he's only asking for a whole day, not even overnight!

If he asked for overnights it's highly unlikely a court would agree given that the child is only 18mo and is still breastfed, AhNowTed.

As I asked before, how long is a day? 12 hours is the equivalent of an overnight and I don't agree that an 18mo would necessary sleep when she's tired if those around her were providing distractions and/or she needs to be breast fed in order to settle into her nap.

Ideally the OP would be working towards stopping the mid-day feed by offering a sippy cup or even a bottle of expressed breast milk if she didn't want to switch to formula, but this will take time and in the meantime I see no reason why he shouldn't collect his child after her nap and return her for bathtime/bedtime which, ideally, he should do, or early in the morning and return her for the mid-day or 1pm feed and nap, after which he has the option of taking his child out again.

His insistence on having what he wants NOW indicates a lack of concern for his child's needs that I find disturbing.

Firstly I was going to comment about you being unreasonable and bitter. But I get it. He was a shit husband. You feel that he’s a shit father and you are the one that knows him and his parents. We just have heard 1 side of a story. However there are always 3. Yours husband the truth

The court would grant him overnight contact if he lives with his parents and she has a roof over her head under his care. Courts are very enthusiastic about the child having both parents. Very. Breastfed or not, they will ask her to provide expressed milk. I know this through experience. Anything over 12 months and she no longer needs breast milk for nutrition (I am not commenting on whether you should stop etc, I’m going off what the courts would say) and once you have a court order you’re both happy with, nobody can argue it and life will hopefully get easier. It will come to that

It will get easier anyway as she’ll stop feeding and napping before you know it, and will be able to speak for herself. He may just be a shite dad, but he may have also ‘not done anything’ because you did/do it all for him? Just like his mum always has? He’ll only learn on his own, and by the sounds of it he wants to learn. More than can be said for most. Letting you down has little excuses but Atleast he’s asking for more time with her

Also, I doubt you’ll be entitled to child maintenance if he’s paying the full mortgage. I think that needs sorting out first and foremost before slating him for not paying towards her. He’s paying for a roof over her head, as I’m guessing you couldn’t afford it alone.

That was meant to say your side, his side and the truth

@DonKeyshot

Hang on a second. So if she was still breastfeeding at 2 or 3, you think no court would agree to an overnight. Where would it end?

Sorry that's nonsense.

And no, you can't expect that the father ferries the child backwards and forwards to the OPs house for afternoon naps.

They have split up and he has every right to parent his child in his own home.

It's not ideal but unfortunately it's what happens when the parents are no longer together.

Your not stopping contact OP your conditioning it and that is as bad.
You have loads of examples and reasons to prove your point but they are not all child led.
Money, his parent, leaving you shouts bitter.

So if you truly think you have reasons to change the way contact is and nothing else between you ( issues with your separation) has caused this change then you need to write a clear list.

Parents sleep in bed with dc's, children fall asleep in buggies, many mothers have help from family and parents, he's paying the mortgage, so not actually giving you nothing. He believes that the dc doesn't need to be bf doing the day.
You need to look at it from an outside view because the courts will, you dc isn't special to them.

There's a difference between what you want and what the dc needs.
Just be careful, because sudden changes in contact ( adding extra conditions as time goes on ) doesn't come across well

Do you never go out for the day? It sounds very dull indeed for her to have to be back every time for her cot. He might notnhave a cot but he can use a buggy, a sling, some mats on the floor or nap in the car if it's a decent journey. I think you are being very controlling in insisting that he does things your way and thst she returns at lunch.

And missing her mid afternoon (nice to have but not at all necessary) breastfeed won't harm anyone. I get the feeling you are keeping that as a way to maintain control.

@DonKeyshot
You are incorrect, I’m afraid. Barring anything odd or not mentioned on this thread, if he applied for overnights he would likely get them. Courts are move towards more equal parenting.
Furthermore, unless it’s a very small baby whether they are breastfeeding it rather irrelevant.

Whose looking after her when you're at work? Do you have a nanny? Otherwise how's she returning home for a feed and nap? And then where is she going afterwards? Back to a CM? I don't understand any of the logistics here?

Plus what provisions would you like him to provide for sleeping and eating? Presumably at 18mth she does still eat and nap outside of your specified lunch hour when you insist he returns her home? And to be fair after getting in the door, winding down, breastfeeding, toileting.. How much 'napping' of an active 18mth old actually takes place within an hour slot before they're bundled back up and taken out again? 5 minutes? Maintenance is a completely seperate issue, but the rest of your regime sounds nuts.

I get how hard it is OP. He’s a parent led man child and abandoned you both because he can’t be bothered with the responsibility. He’s got a lot of growing up to do. However, him wanting her for the full day and with his parents is a good thing. This can be your “break” day where you get to catch up on all the housework, sleep in late, go out with friends, get your life back! You could book yourself into a regular yoga class. Start dating again. There must be a compromise. If you let him have the day can you find a way round those issues. Give him a bottle of expressed milk? Get a mat and sleeping bag for the nap. He’s got to find his own way with things and even though he’s a twat it’s good that he wants to and good she’s got the grandparents to back him up. She’s safe. Great. Encourage that grandparent relationship. When you meet somebody else and maybe have more kids it will be good she can go to them so you have alone time with your new family. Rather than seeing them as the enemy, start being wise and using them for childcare. Start getting them to the point of having her overnight. Why not? You’ll never have to pay for a babysitter! Brilliant. Don’t you want to be able to go out on a Saturday eve at some point? Start making opportunities rather than problems. That said, get a cms claim in. He can’t have it all his own way.

Unfortunately it’s hard to adjust a new routine & he learn how to parent better unless you’re actively exposed to it. He sounds like a lazy father but this is the time to start stepping up. If you keep denying him the opportunity to step up then how will he learn?

I know it hurts he left, but you need to separate your feelings here. It’s not reasonable to expect him to keep coming back to your house for visitation. I don’t think the courts will take kindly to visitation refusal on the basis the child might miss a nap. It will not look good for you to refuse visitation on the basis he is lazy & will have his parents do all the work.

You may dislike your ex-in laws or the family dynamic they have, but if they care for her & love her that is ultimately a good thing. Children thrive on extended family love & support.

Also he is paying the whole house mortgage so it is misleading to suggest he has left you & the child high & dry.

If him having her a full day is this much of a problem for you, then realistically you’re going to really struggle when new partners become involved, etc. You will need to learn to manage your ill feelings about loss of control because in time her missing a nap is not going to be a life changer. Pick your battles, this is not it.

It really isn’t necessary for an 18mo to breastfeed at lunchtime. If your dd wants more, she will just catch up by feeding more at certain times or on certain days.

Your ex has no routine. You seem to have an overzealous routine. I get that routines work for feeding / food / naps and especially when your dd was younger. As children get older, they get a bit more flexible. YABU to try to dictate the lunchtime feeding. My dd was at nursery a couple of days a week at this age. I stopped sending in bottles of breast milk when she was around 13 months. She caught up later in the day.

You're being absolutely ridiculous insisting he brings her home at lunch time for a nap!

I think paying the mortgage is a reasonable contribution in lieu of maintenance for the time being until your organise a more formal agreement, although I think you may find you will end up with a worse deal when you do.

YABU to make his contact time gravitate around your house and schedule. You are separated so his parenting is just as valid as yours now, which must be hard to come to terms with.

Why do you care if he is with his parents when he sees her? Most grandparents want to see their grandchild.

Your argument is very strange.

It is also very strange and unreasonablr to insist on bringing her back to yours , just for a nap, in the middle of the day.

Are you listening to yourself? How does that make sense? The beds in your house are magically better than the beds in his hosie?

This is such a weird thread.