Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with unwanted suggestions from men in NCT group?

108 replies

theghostofmargerykempe · 07/11/2019 16:39

Genuinely cannot tell whether I am just being a grumpy, grumpy 37.5-week pregnant lady or not... We finished our NCT classes about a month ago, and someone just asked the group WhatsApp chat whose the last-scheduled due date was. I mentioned that DP and I are the last ones (over half the people in the class have had their babies already, we're not till end-of-November), and that I'm still at work for another week and am finding it a bit of a struggle with tiredness and overheating.

The response of several of the men in the group was to pipe up saying that they recommended DP and I "go to all our favourite restaurants" between now and the end of the month, with lots of enthusiastic "I second that!" comments.

Hmm Sure, guys, that's a great idea, I will definitely go out and waste loads of money on big restaurant portions that I can eat about three bites of before wanting to vomit from heartburn. Plus staying out late in the evenings when I am already beyond shattered from working 8-hour days at 37.5 sounds like terrific use of time! Hmm

I get that they are probably just wrapped up in their new-baby phase and maybe a bit sad that going out to dinner is not part of their lives right now, but I can't help thinking it's really insensitive and annoying, especially as I hadn't asked for any recommendations or suggestions. I also note that none of the women in the group have joined in the chorus of restaurant-suggesting!

Am mostly just posting here as an alternative to saying something rude and sarcastic on the group chat, but... AIBU to not really appreciate this?

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · 07/11/2019 19:02

Bless you, the last bit is hard. Yabu though. Not everyone feels the same and I for one was out having a chinese out with friends the night before DS arrived at 37.5. I had intended to work until 37 or 38 weeks but ended up starting my mat leave at 35 as I was so knackered. I had heartburn too but only during the night, brought on by lying down. Might be time for you to start mat leave OP. You deserve to feel a bit less crappy and have a few days/week or two before baby comes.

Preggosaurus9 · 07/11/2019 19:41

This is why there should always be 3 whatsapp groups.

All
Women
Men

HTH Grin

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/11/2019 19:52

Starbucks decaf is great.

ThatMuppetShow · 07/11/2019 19:59

So they were being dicks really, IMO.

the people who are just learning to adjust with newborn and are sleep deprived and possibly a bit overwhelmed?

Well, the OP will soon find out what people meant, won't she...

LaDameAuxLicornes · 07/11/2019 20:00

I think you need to revive the women-only WhatsApp group! There were a million and one questions/rants/panics etc that the mothers in our antenatal group chat would not have wanted to post in the mixed-sex group, either before or after birth. And realistically, after the men go back to work they will not want their phones exploding all day with baby chat, whereas the women are more likely to turn to the group for extra support when they are left on their own with the babies. But I do think it's quite a difficult phase when half the group have had their babies and half haven't - they are two such different experiences, and when half the group are thinking about SPD and packing lists for hospital bags and the other half are thinking about breastfeeding struggles and how hot the baby's first bathwater should be (just for example...!) it's quite tricky for the chat to "gel" in the same way. It will probably get a lot better again when all the babies are here, I would hope.

Letseatgrandma · 07/11/2019 20:04

how can it be enjoyable to go out for coffee when you can't have caffeine?

Crikey, do people not drink coffee now when they’re pregnant!?

Elbeagle · 07/11/2019 20:08

Why can’t you have caffeine? I went out for coffee plenty of times when pregnant with all three of mine, sticking to the 200mg per day as recommended by the NHS.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 07/11/2019 20:09

You can have a coffee (just one or a decaf), you can go out for dinner (Small portion or what you fancy) , you can still have fun. It sounds like you are wallowing, try to change your approach and enjoy these last peaceful weeks before your life changes forever!

They are right, make the most of it.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 07/11/2019 20:11

Letseatgrandma - pregnancy has become so ridiculously medicalised. I drank coffee (one or two fresh ones a day), ate sushi daily (my craving), ate blue cheese, drank the odd glass of bubbles if I fancied. Exercised as normal, walked miles to and from work. Two healthy babies. Pregnant women are often so neurotic thesE days, it’s really sad.
.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2019 20:12

I had the youngest baby in my group too and it's a bit rubbish for exactly this reason - loads of people giving you patronising advice when they are literally a few weeks ahead of you! Looking back it's quite funny to think of me sat there with an 8 week old listening to the other sagely saying 'well, what you'll find is...' about their 10 week olds, but it didn't feel it at the time!

PracticallySpeaking · 07/11/2019 20:15

YANBU op! I totally get why you were upset because you were complaining about being exhausted from working and instead of some sympathetic replies you got some useless suggestions from men who obviously have no idea what it actually feels like to be pregnant.

These groups should be a place where you can get support from other women in the same situation. Seems odd to me that there are men in the group

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/11/2019 20:18

Oh god I miss restaurants so badly. We have very rare babysitters and all my close friends have babies too so it's really rare we get to go out now. I had no idea how much I'd miss such a basic thing as sitting down, choosing something nice from the menu and having food put in front of me. Just that one on one time to sit and chat too with no distractions and a lovely glass of wine..

I guess when you have all that as much as you like then of course it's not something you would even think to appreciate.

AgnesGrundy · 08/11/2019 06:19

MyKingdomForBrie that's you though. Op is king 10 hour days at 37 weeks pregnant and is exhausted and has heartburn. You'd enjoy going to a restaurant.

That doesn't mean it's the right advice for someone who would get nothing out of it.

In the same way a pregnant woman might really miss eating shellfish and getting drunk, but advising someone who is ttc, hates shellfish and is long term teetotal to enjoy not being pregnant by pigging out on shellfish and getting roaring drunk would be utterly ridiculous and self centered - proof that the recipient of this advice was of no interest as individual and the advice was all about the giver and insensitive to the recipient.

ThatMuppetShow yes, for the same reason as above basically - men, who by their nature have no experience of pregnancy, talking over and refusing to hear the OP's experience of working in late pregnancy and responding to her exhaustion and heartburn by essentially saying it doesn't exist or isn't important, and she should do something utterly at odds with her real situation because it's something they want to do.

Like telling someone who hates being touched by anyone other than their partner to enjoy a long back massage because you're not in a position to do so.

Egocentric and sickish, but only worth an eye roll and no response on the WhatsApp group because thankfully they can be easily ignored and none of them are the man the op has to live with through the last week's of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and raising a small child.

AgnesGrundy · 08/11/2019 06:20

Dickish not sickish

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 09:46

men, who by their nature have no experience of pregnancy, talking over and refusing to hear the OP's experience of working in late pregnancy and responding to her exhaustion and heartburn by essentially saying it doesn't exist or isn't important, and she should do something utterly at odds with her real situation because it's something they want to do.

that not what they said AT ALL
and they obviously just quoted what their own wife wanted - even a man can get that. Some "exhausted" women actually find it relaxing to go out for a meal. I am a mother, never had heartburn in any pregnancy.

The "only women can understand" is getting old and complete nonsense.

AgnesGrundy · 08/11/2019 10:18

ThatMuppetShow

Statement: I'm still working full time and finding it a struggle because I'm really tired.

Responses: You should go out to loads of restaurants!

How's that anything but not listening and being a dick?

AgnesGrundy · 08/11/2019 10:20

It's a stretch to claim that what exhausted pregnant women want is to go out after work.

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:21

How's that anything but not listening and being a dick?

it's a very reasonable suggestion. If you prefer "stop whining, start your leave and go to bed", that would have pissed me off.

I had friends inviting me for dinner when I was really tired at the end of my pregnancy - working too. It was the opposite of being a dick.

You can chose to start your maternity leave as late as possibly, but don't be a martyr about it.

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:23

t's a stretch to claim that what exhausted pregnant women want is to go out after work.

it's a suggestion. Not everybody wants to go home and cook diner and would relax more in a nice bar or restaurant, for one of the last few nights without a baby in tow.

Gentleness · 08/11/2019 10:28

It would have really irritated me too, but now I do wish I'd just gritted my teeth and made myself do that stuff before babies. Not for the meal or the location, just for the togetherness that was so much easier with just the 2 of us. My eldest is 10!

SVRT19674 · 08/11/2019 11:59

OP, you are overreacting. By the way, decaff coffee exists. I went out for coffee and horror shock! i actually drunk coca cola from time to time. Babe is fine.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/11/2019 12:04

I’d recommend separate groups for men and women. We did and there were lots of messages re the state of our down below and recovery post delivery.

Elbeagle · 08/11/2019 12:27

How's that anything but not listening and being a dick?

I find going out to restaurants relaxing, not exhausting. Maybe the people suggesting it do too.
I have to say I might have said something similar, mainly because going out in the evenings was the main thing I missed after having babies! I was knackered in the final trimester with all three but no heartburn etc, and in fact made a point of joint to our favourite restaurants in the last couple of weeks partly because I found it fun and relaxing and partly because I knew we wouldn’t have chance for a while.

misspiggy19 · 08/11/2019 12:29

YABU and ridiculous. Just looking for an argument.

HeyNotInMyName · 08/11/2019 12:33

and they obviously just quoted what their own wife wanted -

Really?!? I mean, in the first few weeks after giving birth, all those women just wanted to be able to go out to a restaurant?
Nope, I don’t buy that. I do think that THE MEN would have loved going out, have a meal at the restaurant etc...

Besides, regardless of they or their wife’s wouod have liked, they still didn’t listen to a word of whta the OP said. Just imparted their wisdom Wo 1- being asked and 2- with no regard to how SHE is feeling (tired, heartburn etc,..).
As a woman if another woman was telling me she is working full time, is knackered etc... I would advise her to see if she can stop work earlier than intended. That she is allowed to change her mind depending on she feels because that cant be planned. Because you know, I’ve experienced the exhaustion of the end of pregnancy. I’ve also experienced (shock) the need to stay at home in the early days and the ability to go out to a restaurant with babe in tow (more shock. Some babies are actually quite transportable when they are little).
So rather than impose my own experience, I would to see what wouod be working better for her IF she was asking for support rather than just having a rant.

Swipe left for the next trending thread