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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with unwanted suggestions from men in NCT group?

108 replies

theghostofmargerykempe · 07/11/2019 16:39

Genuinely cannot tell whether I am just being a grumpy, grumpy 37.5-week pregnant lady or not... We finished our NCT classes about a month ago, and someone just asked the group WhatsApp chat whose the last-scheduled due date was. I mentioned that DP and I are the last ones (over half the people in the class have had their babies already, we're not till end-of-November), and that I'm still at work for another week and am finding it a bit of a struggle with tiredness and overheating.

The response of several of the men in the group was to pipe up saying that they recommended DP and I "go to all our favourite restaurants" between now and the end of the month, with lots of enthusiastic "I second that!" comments.

Hmm Sure, guys, that's a great idea, I will definitely go out and waste loads of money on big restaurant portions that I can eat about three bites of before wanting to vomit from heartburn. Plus staying out late in the evenings when I am already beyond shattered from working 8-hour days at 37.5 sounds like terrific use of time! Hmm

I get that they are probably just wrapped up in their new-baby phase and maybe a bit sad that going out to dinner is not part of their lives right now, but I can't help thinking it's really insensitive and annoying, especially as I hadn't asked for any recommendations or suggestions. I also note that none of the women in the group have joined in the chorus of restaurant-suggesting!

Am mostly just posting here as an alternative to saying something rude and sarcastic on the group chat, but... AIBU to not really appreciate this?

OP posts:
Somebodystired · 07/11/2019 17:00

I kinda get you OP. People always recognise that unsolicited asvicento new mums is infuriating, so I dont see how this is different - unsolicited advice from men on how a pregnant woman should spend the last weeks of her pregnancy. I wouldn't be thrilled about it either.

Lunafortheloveogod · 07/11/2019 17:01

It’s the hormones.. don’t worry I cried cause my toast was too pale at 36weeks, dp just leaned over n pushed it back down, like umm it just needs more time...

They’ll also base it off their own babies and wife’s pregnancies, so your heartburn and still managing to work might not add in to their experience. By 30weeks the finally managed my hg so I ate everything I bloody could Grin, before that I could only really manage cheese cubes and ritz biscuits. I was signed off from before 12weeks too and by 37.5weeks I was on the induction ward. But now DS is out we could go out just fine as he’s a fantastic napper so as long as I had milk I was fine to go out from day one... maybe that’s my reward for all his mischief prebirth.

Every woman n baby are different.. and there’s those lucky buggers who never get so much as constipated.

babyburrito1 · 07/11/2019 17:03

YABU. I went out for about ten fancy 'last suppers' right up until I was induced at 41+6 and don't regret any of them. Eating out is one of DH & my favourite things to do and while still possible with an 8 month old definitely not the same.

Also fully understand why this is irritating if you're not feeling great at the end of pregnancy, plus I was the last of my NCT group to give birth so know what it's like to still be waiting to start mat leave while feeling like everyone else is enjoying their new arrival!

You'll laugh about how crazy you were with your group in six months time, promise!

Original poster
theghostofmargerykempe · 07/11/2019 17:05

@Somebodystired Thanks -- I am really appreciating your username right now too! :)

Yes, the unsolicited advice aspect of it is also part of what bothered me, although from what I understand getting completely unasked-for advice from all and sundry is something I'd better get used to... :)

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 07/11/2019 17:07

Why are the men in the Whatsapp group? We just made one for the mums and it was my life saver!!

Original poster
theghostofmargerykempe · 07/11/2019 17:10

@Witchinaditch There is a women's-only group chat for our NCT group too, but it has fallen into disuse since people's babies started arriving (as it has been mostly the male partners doing the "Baby is here!!" posts).

OP posts:
userabcname · 07/11/2019 17:10

It does sound annoying and unhelpful advice given the problem you actually messaged about! Fwiw I found pregnancy sucked - the third trimester is crap with the aches and pains and heartburn. I was in bed every night by 8pm in the last few weeks. My friend, however, was at a spice girls concert at 10 days overdue so I guess it's possible some of their wives were a lot more keen to get out the house before baby arrived!

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2019 17:13

I think if one of the women in the group had suggested it I'd be more surprised and amazed than annoyed!

Ahh see that's the thing.

With all pregnancies being different, I would've thought women are just as likely to say it as men.

I was lucky with all 3 of mine in that I never felt sick, tired, achy or much different to not being pregnant really. Obviously my friends were all different in theirs.

iklboo · 07/11/2019 17:13

It’s the hormones.. don’t worry I cried cause my toast was too pale at 36weeks,

I cried in a cafe because mine was too well done. She put it back through the machine despite me saying it was exactly how I wanted it. Proper sobs. The poor manager gave me extra and a drink free of charge. Blush

Bluetrews25 · 07/11/2019 17:14

Oh you ARE very pregnant! Flowers
I think we're all allowed to be a bit touchy at this stage.
Full of admiration that you are still working.

Userzzzzz · 07/11/2019 17:16

You are being a bit unreasonable but many women at your stage (including myself) are or have been. I don’t think they’re wrong in their advice though. A nice meal out (or the equivalent treat if you’re not up for eating) is worth doing before the baby comes and it gets harder. My thing before baby no.2was to go to really small places or shops with stupid staircases that were not buggy friendly in the slightest.

Lj8893 · 07/11/2019 17:17

I’m a midwife and I tell couples to go on a date night when they are waiting for labour to happen, I hope I’m not annoying them Blush

VisionQuest · 07/11/2019 17:18

I get that you are highly irritated right now.

I was vile in the latter stages of pregnancy!

However, I'm sorry to say that you are overreacting here.

1Morewineplease · 07/11/2019 17:18

I suspect that the messages that you received were just well-meaning and that the underlying message was to enjoy your time together, as much as you can before your baby arrives.
I completely understand how you are feeling and wish you and your partner all good wishes. 💐

ThatMuppetShow · 07/11/2019 17:19

it doesn't seem like they have much of a grasp on how physically sick the idea of eating a restaurant meal can make someone at this stage of pregnancy,

4 pregnancies, and neither do I - I only got sickness at the early beginning of my pregnancies, never had heartburn or indigestion with any of mine.

It's the same with working, you are but other mums are physically unable to do the same so late in their pregnancy.

It's an NCT group, it is based around pregnancy and birth, not quite the same as unsolicited advice from complete randoms.

Original poster
theghostofmargerykempe · 07/11/2019 17:19

@Lj8893 But would you say it to someone who had literally just that minute pointed out that they were tired and struggling with long days at work? I really hope not!

OP posts:
GhoulieBat · 07/11/2019 17:20

Maybe you're a bit hormonally sensitive but I'd be quite annoyed too. It's not just what they have to say, but the fact they feel entitled to tell you what to do at all - it's just annoying, men telling you anything is basically annoying when you're going through something exhausting and challenging that they will never experience. And men often feel entitled to dominate in these types of groups that should really be primarily about women, IME.

They kind of have a point, but the better way to see it is try to do what you want to do with your own time, while you can - whether that's enjoying a film on netflix, having long baths or reading uninterrupted... or just sleeping.

JavaQ · 07/11/2019 17:20

YABU
They are trying to be nice/fun/happy so leave them to it.
I hope you can get some rest soon.
best wishes Smile Flowers

MsTSwift · 07/11/2019 17:21

My waters broke and nothing happened ( ended up being induced 24 hours later) we went out for dinner after being sent away from hospital don’t get your issue ?

Buyitinbamboo · 07/11/2019 17:22

Yes overreacting as you now realise. We only had a woman chat and a man chat on nct and I would definitely say that was better!

On a side note you can have a cup of coffee! 1 or 2 a day is fine. And I'm 39 weeks and could eat a horse so it wasnt a stupid suggestion on their part

Curtainly · 07/11/2019 17:25

Why can't you just say thank you for the suggestion, but that's the last thing I feel like doing now. Not sure why it's being made into an issue, but I guess I was tired and cranky in the weeks before giving birth. There is something in doing something just the 2 of you though, maybe not a restaurant but it's never the same.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 07/11/2019 17:25

I'm sure they didn't mean to annoy you! DH and I went out for a Michelin starred dinner 2 nights before my DS was born - small portions but rich & delicious, and I had a glass of wine and coffee. I would probably have suggested the same to a friend. But now I'm pregnant with twins and 7 months in I can barely manage a full plate of any food plus get bad heartburn so I wouldn't be up for it this time! Every pregnancy is so different.

Lj8893 · 07/11/2019 17:28

@theghostofmargerykempe noooo of course not, I say it in regards to when they are due and desperately waiting for labour to begin, in regards to getting all the right hormones flowing.

I don’t think they were meaning to be offensive, but I completely understand why you are irritated by it.

ThatMuppetShow · 07/11/2019 17:28

But would you say it to someone who had literally just that minute pointed out that they were tired and struggling with long days at work? I really hope not!

why ever not? Sitting down in an adult and quiet restaurant with your partner is hardly taxing, sounds like a good way to chill after work. I'd rather go out than come home and do chores when I am tired.

Original poster
theghostofmargerykempe · 07/11/2019 17:29

@MsTSwift My issue is that I said "I'm still working full days and finding it a struggle because I'm really tired"; the group's response was "You should go out to dinner lots and lots!"; "Yeah, definitely go to lots of restaurants!".

I am willing to take on board people's feedback that I am overreacting (which is why I haven't said anything back to the suggesters themselves! :) ) , but the fact is that the idea of going out to a restaurant right now makes me want to cry and/or be sick, which makes it hard to take the suggestions in the friendly spirit that they were (I agree), most likely intended.

OP posts: