AIBU to be fed up with unwanted suggestions from men in NCT group?

[theghostofmargerykempe]

Genuinely cannot tell whether I am just being a grumpy, grumpy 37.5-week pregnant lady or not... We finished our NCT classes about a month ago, and someone just asked the group WhatsApp chat whose the last-scheduled due date was. I mentioned that DP and I are the last ones (over half the people in the class have had their babies already, we're not till end-of-November), and that I'm still at work for another week and am finding it a bit of a struggle with tiredness and overheating.

The response of several of the men in the group was to pipe up saying that they recommended DP and I "go to all our favourite restaurants" between now and the end of the month, with lots of enthusiastic "I second that!" comments.

Sure, guys, that's a great idea, I will definitely go out and waste loads of money on big restaurant portions that I can eat about three bites of before wanting to vomit from heartburn. Plus staying out late in the evenings when I am already beyond shattered from working 8-hour days at 37.5 sounds like terrific use of time!

I get that they are probably just wrapped up in their new-baby phase and maybe a bit sad that going out to dinner is not part of their lives right now, but I can't help thinking it's really insensitive and annoying, especially as I hadn't asked for any recommendations or suggestions. I also note that none of the women in the group have joined in the chorus of restaurant-suggesting!

Am mostly just posting here as an alternative to saying something rude and sarcastic on the group chat, but... AIBU to not really appreciate this?

You're expecting them to magically know exactly what symptoms you're having at the moment. Which is VU.

And frankly you'd better get used to unsolicited advice, because once the baby comes you'll get tonnes of it. Mostly from other women.

If you’re struggling could you start mat leave earlier or do some half days/working from home? It is really hard working late on- I worked until my waters broke (early) with no.1 and I can’t say I’d recommend it as I was so bloody knackered before labour even started.

@Lj8893 Thanks! And that is really good to hear. I agree that it's a very different proposition when people are on mat leave and actively waiting for baby to turn up!

@Userzzzzz That is a good idea, and I'm seriously considering it. There are a few work projects that I'm really concerned won't get wrapped up properly if I'm not there to tie up the loose ends next week, but it is now clear that working up to end of 38w was not one of my better ideas :)

Yes, its totally you not them. However, I was exactly the same first time round. I was the last one of my NCT class and DS was a week late. SO annoyed, every day felt like a lifetime that I was missing out on!

Enjoy your grumpiness now ( as I did) and it all totally lifts when you've had them.

Good luck.

I find it odd,or maybe amusing,when I read things like this. Thankfully there were no pregnancy groups and apps things around when I had my two children. I was quite self contained,and lived quite far from any family when pregnant. I had sickness for three months firstly,but then felt super fit for the rest of the time, and actually built a wall in my garden,and planted some trees when I was seven or eight months gone.

Also ate really well,and sometimes had a little wine with meals.But not boasting about anything here, it just suited me fine to be just me at that time.

Honestly you’ll probably find your manager is freaking out about the possibility of you giving birth at work so they might be more open than you think to earlier start/finish times etc or amending hours. There are no prizes for carrying on full pelt if you’re struggling.

If you think you're tired now then just wait until the baby arrives. They're absolutely right, I wish I'd gone out more before my DS was born. It'll be a good while once the baby is born before you can even think about going out as a couple particularly if you breastfeed so you should make the most of the time you have now.

Doesn't have to be going out for a meal, even going out to the cinema is a luxury when you have young kids. We never do that as we have to save our babysitting for more important nights out.

It's not being listened to that's annoying.

You said you were still working full time, suffering from heartburn and exhausted. They replied telling you to enjoy all the time on your hands by eating restaurant meals.

If you had said that you had restless legs keeping you awake all night would they have told you to enjoy all the lovely nights of blissful uninterpreted sleep before your baby arrives and keeps you up?

If you'd said you had pelvic problems and were using crutches and in pain would they have told you to enjoy lovely long romantic walks?

They're not actually remotely interested in you and are not actually giving you advice.

Most people are guilty of this but it's sometimes more of a slap in the face than others, and you'd have thought parents of newborns would be at least vaguely aware that late pregnancy is a physically uncomfortable, tiring, hormonal rollercoaster time for most women.

So they were being dicks really, IMO.

Although not worth more than an eye roll it was irritating of them, especially all jumping on the self satisfied band wagon.

@AgnesGrundy Thank you so much! You have exactly hit the nail on the head re: what was upsetting me about the suggestion pile-on. I know that really I probably am being hormonal and unreasonable in being annoyed by it, but complaining here has been really helpful in helping me to just give it the silent eye-roll it deserves and move on, so thank you (to you and everyone else who has responded!).

They didn't mean any harm, you don't have to take their suggestions seriously. People say things off the top of their heads sometimes.

You pu also need to remember that just because you all go to the same NCT group means you will get on. Gradually numbers will reduce as you realise that you might have had babies in the same month but they will never be your friends for various reasons. I’m still friends with one couple out of 4 couples 17 years later. 2 couples have divorced. So don’t read too much into what the men say. Give it a month and you probably won’t see some of them again.

theghostofmargerykempe early parenthood seems to bring this out in people who appear to be engaging in a two way conversation or offering advice but are not listening at all, just talking about themselves and their experience/ their child.

I'm not sure why, it seems to be a life phase that does this more than any other. Perhaps it's because it's so intense, so unlike anything else the first time, and such a weird mix of intensly intimate and incredibly public...

Good luck with the last stretch at work and with your baby in a few short weeks!

I totally understand working up until the last minute - maternity leave was only 6 months when I had dc1 and I didn't want to go back to work when she was only 4 months old! She was 2 weeks late, as many first baby's are, so if I'd stopped at 35 weeks I'd have had to go back when she was 4.5 months old - 5.5 was bad enough!

I was horrendously sick for the first half of pregnancy, had two weeks of feeling ok then the heartburn began. I'd have been less than impressed at this suggestion as well!

Though I don't think they meant anything by it. Personally I try not to give advice to pregnant women because I remember the rage I felt as ginger fucking biscuits were suggested for the thousandth time.

I did an NHS women only antenatal class with two couple's sessions and about half of usstayed in very close contact for the first two years of our baby's lives. We were all quite similar and looking for a network to spend maternity leave with as we'd all commuted into London for work and all lived a long way from our families of origin. Those women were a fantastic support network. A lot of us moved away after a couple of years - it was that sort of location - but we're still loosely in touch and last met up when the "babies" were 12 (years).

I don't really do couple friendships, it always seems contrived and so unlikely to all be compatible. I know some people like couple friendships though.

Not every antenatal course leads to friendships - the NCT ones seemed a bit thought-policed to me, and I was put off by my initial enquiries and happy with the NHS one.

A lot of people make better friends/ build networks through baby groups once on maternity leave.

If you think you're tired now then just wait until the baby arrives. They're absolutely right, I wish I'd gone out more before my DS was born.

I wish I'd been well enough to go out!

And a few weeks in hospital meant after the first couple of days recovering from the exhaustion of labour I was less tired than in the late stages of pregnancy. When I got home and had to get my own food, do the washing etc that did change a bit...

@AgnesGrundy Thank you again! Your reasons for working until later sound very similar to ours -- I'm convinced that DD is going to go past the assigned due date and would rather have more time to spend with her later on, even though it's a struggle right now! And again, I think you're so right about the "appear to be offering advice but are actually talking about themselves" issue, definitely something I have spotted recently!

@LightsinOtherPeoplesHouses That sounds truly grim, I'm so sorry you had to go through that (both the nausea/heartburn and the ginger-biscuit pushers!). I have instructed DP to firmly kick me under the table if he catches me attempting to give unsolicited advice to anyone having a baby in the future...

I think it’s patronising advice. Firstly because the OP said she was tired and struggling. Why would she want to go out to a restaurant when she wouldn’t enjoy it? And secondly OP is an adult and knows about the existence of restaurants and would be dining out if that’s what she wanted to do.

theghostofmargerykempe sorry, I've just slipped into exactly that talking about myself pit... Why does thinking back to late pregnancy and the first years of being a parent do that?

Mute the WhatsApp group until after the birth and post in the women's one maybe?

@TwiddleMuff Thank you! Yes, you're right, that too -- if I wanted to turn my 10-hour day into a 13+-hour day by going out to a restaurant after work, I'm perfectly well aware of their existence :D

@AgnesGrundy Not to worry, it's good to hear other people's experiences sometimes! I wish that an NHS-based course had been an option, but around here they are only offered as one-day intensives rather than longer courses. We signed up to the full six-week NCT course hoping to make some friends, as DP and I are the first/only ones in our pre-existing friend groups so far to have children, but we haven't really clicked with any of them and it doesn't seem likely to happen now. I'm hoping that Mush and/or a more local coffee-morning group for people with babies under 6M will be better bets after DD arrives.

Have muted the group for a week and will see how I'm feeling about it after then! :)

YABU I think they were just being nice!

Well they did advice that wasn’t asked for. And regardless of the circumstances, it’s usually quite annoying.

I wouod also argue that they still don’t have a clue about how a crap woman feels at that stage of the pregnancy. No way I would assume that a woman will feel to going out at that stage of the pregnancy, even less so if she is still working full time.

You wouldn't have been over-reacting if there had been any pressure on you to go out when you made it clear you don't want to, but as it is, I'd agree with others that taking a chill pill on this one is good for everyone's blood pressure, not least yours! In any case, look after yourself and the baby.

Our kids are 3 and 6 and we still miss being able to go to the sort of restaurants that don't offer colouring paper and kids' menus, so I can see where your friends are coming from!

Best of luck with the baby!

Argh, when will I learn to check when a thread is more than a page long before quickly posting, sorry OP.

I would also leave the group now, when the competitive parenting kicks in that's when it gets really teedious.