Birthday dinner without DW

[NonHerbalReasoning]

4 weeks ago I had ‘significant’ birthday. Had friends over, it was great fun. Organised by DW. Followed by a family holiday. An old friend, female, that we see a few times a year and both our families get along well, invited me for a belated dinner as birthday thing. She is an ex, from 30 years ago; To me this is more or less lost is the mists of time. DW says it is weird and that she ought to come too. Which is fine, OF and DW are friends. But it doesn’t seem weird to me, just sweet/thoughtful. I’m slightly concerned that DW sees it as inappropriate. Can you lot put me or DW in our our place ?!

'll go against the grain here

Yeah you're not really going against the grain, looks about 50/50 to me

Does no one on here have friends of the opposite sex?

Of course we do, but this hasn't always been just a "friend" of OP's. For me that would make a difference, especially when the addition of her DH happened rather conveniently

The key point here is that the DW - who after all knows those concerned - believes it's inappropriate, and OP's said nothing to suggest she's usually unduly suspicious

I think the most important part is we do not know how the OP was invited. What was said etc.
At no bloody point do we know if the OF has said.. I am arranging a meal for your birthday.
Do not invite your DW.

OP has said that they've all done stuff together so maybe the assumption was that DW was invited regardless.
OP I really think you should have clarified, not only for your DW benefit.. but looking at the posts, for the benefit of MN (that way you don't get all the posts such as "How dare she not invite your DW. Definite motive to try something' or 'How dare she invite her DH but not your DW how awkward'...because let's face it.. you didn't ask

TryingToBeBold - a fair point. It was a Happy Birthday message that Included ‘I’ve no idea what to get for your birthday, we could just go out for a meal sometime’. At that stage it didn’t occur to me to wonder if it was an invitation for use both or not. It just sort of became a dinner for 2. There is no animosity between any of the four of us - certainly not that I know about.

Then there followed some uncertainty about her DHs availability, which I didn’t see as relevant. My DW only mentioned discomfort today having been pretty neutral. I see OF (definitely not OW) alone from time to time, it had never been any more of an issue than had my DW gone to see any of her friends, male or female.

Bollocks. Pull the other one op, your wife wasn't born yesterday. Everyone said that a dinner for 2 with an ex is a date, so you added the dh coming to make it seem more innocent, but it just made it really, really fucking weird, so then you backtracked with a "maybe he's coming". Bull. Shit.

My DW only mentioned discomfort today having been pretty neutral

So if you've seen OF alone plenty of times and your DWs never appeared to have an issue, it seems that either she's avoided speaking up or something's changed

Surely the obvious thing is to ask what's concerning her and have a proper discussion about it?

Surely the obvious thing is to ask what's concerning her and have a proper discussion about it?
Maybe it's the fact her dh arranged a date with an ex, tried to gaslight her about how normal and not weird it was, dripfed her that the of's dh was coming to make it seem less like a date, and then couldn't reasonably explain why then she wasn't also invited so then dripfed again that actually he might not be coming after all. Of's dh has been doing the okey cokey so much about being in or out of the date the wife's got seasick just hearing about it.

@NonHerbalReasoning did she bring her DH into the equation? In that case maybe she was expecting you to bring up your DW? To then plan as the foursome? But when you didn't maybe she doesn't want to broach it but your DW then feels uninvited because.. well she hasn't been officially invited.

I think the best way to resolve is to message your OF 'thinking of this meal, me and DW are thinking of X date,does that suit you?'. Assume DW is invited because clarifying now would be awkward.

I’d love to reply to comments such as yours ISmellBabies. You sound like you’re in a bad mood though.

How this has gone from something simple to an array of accusations is beyond me. I don’t mind Getting flamed where deserved, I’m a big boy now; but some people need to do some breathing exercises.

I’ve been on MN for 12 years. I remember SGB etc, wisdom from you lot probably saved my marriage in 2010. There’s surely no need for this much speculation and finger pointing is there?

Can’t keep up with the pace of this.

It’s all fine. Turns out her DH can’t come after all, my DW is coming too and no one has made a big deal out of any of it.

Thanks to all those who initially said either ‘yup that’s kinda weird’ or ‘wouldn’t bother me at all’.

NonHerbalReasoning
Its because half of MN would never ever trust their husbands to go out with anyone but them.
If they go out with another man for drinks or meal, you bet it will end up at a strip club.
If they go out with a work colleague, then they're after more than work.
If they go out with a woman, they are shagging her
If they go out with an ex.. (even good friends), Divorce!!!

I think it would be fine just you and her, but is expect if her husband was going your wife would be too

You asked the question ... People are just telling you what they think. If you don't want to hear it, why ask?

I'm still kid fo confused though, so was it originally just the two of you, then her DH decided he wanted to come so your wife said she's also going but now the DH has pulled out?

Kind of*

Turns out her DH can’t come after all, my DW is coming too and no one has made a big deal out of any of it

It sounds like an awful lot of to-ing and fro-ing within a few hours, but good luck with it all if that works for everyone

Just don't be surprised (and FWIW I'm not suggesting this would be your doing) if it turns out the OF suddenly can't make it

driving next few hours so I won’t be able to reply

She is an ex, from 30 years ago; To me this is more or less lost is the mists of time. DW says it is weird and that she ought to come too. Which is fine, OF and DW are friends. But it doesn’t seem weird to me, just sweet/thoughtful.

Weird AF to stay in touch and waste time with an ex partner from that long ago (30 years??) - are you really billy no-mates that you cant cultivate new relationships rather than hanging out with someone who should be, to your point, lost in the mists of time

And the massive drip feed - ooooooops sorry I meant to mention her DH will be there.

1/10 for effort.

FWIW I would be surprised if the husband ever intended to go.

You asked but didn't like the majority of the answers so enjoy your birthday lunch/dinner, with or without your wife.

@NonHerbalReasoning

Sounds like all has worked out just a communication/clarification problem, and maybe jumped the gun a little in assuming