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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday dinner without DW

120 replies

NonHerbalReasoning · 07/11/2019 10:08

4 weeks ago I had ‘significant’ birthday. Had friends over, it was great fun. Organised by DW. Followed by a family holiday. An old friend, female, that we see a few times a year and both our families get along well, invited me for a belated dinner as birthday thing. She is an ex, from 30 years ago; To me this is more or less lost is the mists of time. DW says it is weird and that she ought to come too. Which is fine, OF and DW are friends. But it doesn’t seem weird to me, just sweet/thoughtful. I’m slightly concerned that DW sees it as inappropriate. Can you lot put me or DW in our our place ?!

OP posts:

cantpick · 07/11/2019 11:23

DappledThings · 07/11/2019 11:24

With her DH coming it's definitely weird.

Without her DH it's just two old friends catching up and I think that's fine.

DH has a female friend of 20 years standing. Sometimes they would go out just the two of them. Sometimes we would all go out as a four. Sometimes we might be a threesome if one couple had issues finding a babysitter but it would never be 3 people invited.

Cryalot2 · 07/11/2019 11:25

She has said her dh will be there, but in reality will he?
The way it looks is that she has set up this for just the 2 of you and possible deserts
Would be very wary of this.

ActualHornist · 07/11/2019 11:26

I have male friends my husband doesn’t know, can’t imagine they’d take me out for dinner but if they did DH wouldn’t be invited.

Have a very close male friend who is also DH’s friend - would be very odd if he invited me out without him. Even more so if his wife was coming too!

Starstruck2020 · 07/11/2019 11:28

Coffee and cake during the day would be ok.. or even an impromptu lunch at a cafe; However a planned evening meal without DP would be inappropriate

Original poster

NonHerbalReasoning · 07/11/2019 11:28

Cryalot2 - nothing could be further from the truth! We’d most likely natter about kids and jobs. No one is engineering anything, it’s far simpler more innocent than that.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2019 11:30

The issue around your EX's DH being there sounds (conveniently?) uncertain for me, and for her to exclude your DW from the invitation was just downright odd

I'm really sorry but I've a sneaking suspicion that, once it becomes clear DW will be there, EX will find a reason why this can't go ahead after all

LionsHeart · 07/11/2019 11:32

Totally inappropriate.
Sounds like she tried to exclude your wife (I wonder why?) & is now back-pedalling like hell to cover her intentions (of course my DH will be there too - unless he can't make it at the last minute & its just you and me).

If you think your dear friend is "just sweet/thoughtful" you need to wake up & smell the coffee before it's too late.

Don't you care about your DW's feelings at all?

Original poster

NonHerbalReasoning · 07/11/2019 11:33

Good god some of you are a suspicious bunch.

OP posts:

Considermesometimes · 07/11/2019 11:35

I would be keeping my distance from your ex, she is definitely not going to enhance your marriage in any way and is pointedly not inviting your dw. That would be a red flag for most people.

The fact that you wouldn't care if she did the same is not a measure of whether it is inappropriate or not, it just gives the impression you care very little for your wife or her feelings.

Cancel the dinner, it won't be fun even if everyone does turn up on the night, and be more careful about the people you let in your life.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2019 11:35

No one is engineering anything, it’s far simpler more innocent than that

This may well be true from your own point of view, but in your DW's position I wouldn't be so sure about the EX

Nobody disputes that a simple catch up with an Ex can be exactly that, but I wonder why she thinks a full evening and dinner is the way to do it?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/11/2019 11:36

Have you been out for meals with her in the past on your own?

Have the 2 couples been out together?

Weird and you seem to be being purposefully obtuse. You really wouldn't even give it a thought if your wife was going out for lunch with an ex-boyfriend?

AhNowTed · 07/11/2019 11:36

With the friend, is totally fine.

With her DH, I'd feel a bit put out if I enjoyed their company.

HelloYouTwo · 07/11/2019 11:38

Perhaps your friends DH is now coming because he didn’t think it was right for his wife to go out for a birthday dinner a deux with another man?

From what you post it doesn’t sound like you and this woman are friends in general, or that she’s always been a mate. More that you hang out as families or couples. In which case yes it’s odd for 2 of you to meet up and exclude your partners, possibly even odder for 3 of you to go out and exclude your wife!

ChuckleBuckles · 07/11/2019 11:39

Good god some of you are a suspicious bunch

Because a lot of us have had husbands/partners not see the wood for the trees and allowed a female "friend" to engineer her way into the middle of our home life and explode it.

So what is the innocent explanation for your wife being excluded then? After all you know her better than we do? What reason would she have to exclude YOUR wife from YOUR birthday dinner?

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/11/2019 11:40

Firstly , I don't see the problem if you went out for dinner with this lady on your own. I assume you are friends and if we are in a relationship than I should trust you.
Secondly I wouldn't worry if her DH was there, yes I would love to be invited to, but if they are paying than just to invite myself would be rude.
Tell your DW that she is not to meet anyone unless you are going to, see how that sits with her

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 07/11/2019 11:41

Not weird if it's just the two of you, bit weird if her husband is going but not your wife!

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 11:41

Good god some of you are a suspicious bunch.

You're looking at it from a mans perspective. That's not an insult in any way - my DP is so oblivious to anything like this and takes everyone at face value, which for the most part is really nice!

I'd guess she's told you her DH will be there so your DW isn't suspicious.

You said your wife felt uncomfortable about it and we're almost all agreeing with her, so I think you need to take a step back and think that all may not be as it seems.

DappledThings · 07/11/2019 11:41

What reason would she have to exclude YOUR wife from YOUR birthday dinner?

Because it isn't his main birthday celebration. It's a friend wanting to catch up with another friend which sometimes it's nice to do without partners. Which is why I think it's fine just the two of you but weird and rude to your wife if it is in fact going to be 1.5 couples.

hoodiemum · 07/11/2019 11:42

I'm with you, OP, that Mumsnetters are a suspicious lot. Does no one have old friends of the opposite sex that they might meet alone? Seems a bit sad to write off half the population like that. I guess the fact that someone's an ex partner might make a difference, but in most cases, when everyone's morphed into longstanding family friends, it makes no difference at all.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/11/2019 11:44

. Does no one have old friends of the opposite sex that they might meet alone?

That's not what's weird though, what's weird is "Hey OP lets you, me and my DH all go out to dinner but don't bring your wife"

Grafittiqueen · 07/11/2019 11:44

I would not be happy with either situation. This woman is not a friend to your marriage.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/11/2019 11:46

Good god some of you are a suspicious bunch

For many of us it's called experience

We're mainly women on here and already the antennae of most suggest the same thing as your wife's - that it's inappropriate

Perhaps that tells you something?

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/11/2019 11:46

There are many reasons why the DW may not come. Whilst the OP says they get on , maybe in reality they don't and they see his DW as a a horror. Maybe thye would like to do something nice for him but cant afford to take her too.Maybe Maybe Maybe.
You either trust your partner or you don't, its as simple as that.
And if you don't which seems to be the case in some of these replies , be honest and don't dress it up as him or her being an idiot/cheater etc

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 11:49

@Cheeseandwin5 if my DPs male friend invited DP out to lunch with him and his OH and specifically excluded me I'd be a bit upset too. It's not even about trust.
They're either friends or they're not and OP says they are.

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