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Original poster

Birthday dinner without DW

120 replies

NonHerbalReasoning · 07/11/2019 10:08

4 weeks ago I had ‘significant’ birthday. Had friends over, it was great fun. Organised by DW. Followed by a family holiday. An old friend, female, that we see a few times a year and both our families get along well, invited me for a belated dinner as birthday thing. She is an ex, from 30 years ago; To me this is more or less lost is the mists of time. DW says it is weird and that she ought to come too. Which is fine, OF and DW are friends. But it doesn’t seem weird to me, just sweet/thoughtful. I’m slightly concerned that DW sees it as inappropriate. Can you lot put me or DW in our our place ?!

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 07/11/2019 11:50

You must also find this weird op to start this thread.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 07/11/2019 11:54

Are you sure your friend hasn’t just assumed your wife would come too. She probably didn’t feel that she had to make that clear as her husband would be there. If my husband or I invited one of his siblings to dinner, it would be taken for granted her/his SO would be included. I think it’s you that’s making something out of this. 🤷‍♀️

museumum · 07/11/2019 11:54

I would invite an old university friend out to dinner just me and him for a catch up if I were in their city myself (and I promise I wouldn't want to shag them) but if it was me and my dh then I would invite my friend's wife too, definitely. We are all at the young children stage so I guess we assume the other parent will need to stay home to do bedtime etc.

GertiMJN · 07/11/2019 12:00

NonHerbalReasoning

Is it part of your typical pattern of socialising with old friend for you and her to go out for meals together,, just the 2 of you? or do you normally socialise as couples?

GoodGriefSunshine · 07/11/2019 12:02

Going against the grain here but I don't think it is weird at all. I meet up with old friends - male and female, with DH all the time. So does he. We think it is normal. They are old old friends. Nothing weird about it at all. Sometimes we just want to catch up and not have to make it a big deal. Just two old friends hanging out for a lunch or dinner or drinks.

Thornhill58 · 07/11/2019 12:05

Dear husband found out and wants to come to dinner. Looks like the 4 of you are going for dinner now.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 07/11/2019 12:06

Having dinner with a long-ago ex who you’ve stayed friends with? Not weird at all, IMO.
Having dinner with ex and her DH but not inviting your wife? Odd and hurtful.

GertiMJN · 07/11/2019 12:07

GoodGriefSunshine I agree that it's not weird in principle, but if they normally socialise as a couple and the OF offered a specific invitation to OP without his DW I would find that odd.

GertiMJN · 07/11/2019 12:08

And an invitation to OP from OF + DH but not OP's DW even odder!

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 07/11/2019 12:08

I think it's odd you didn't invite your DW in the first place.
I have male friends I meet for lunch, dinner, etc but I'd always mention it to DH to see if he wanted to come too. Sometimes he will come with us, sometimes he won't but I always invite him.

TryingToBeBold · 07/11/2019 12:09

@GoodGriefSunshine
Totally agree. I go for coffee with my male friend all the time. I have more in common with him than his DP and he has more in common with me than my DP. Imagine having to drag all partners along that didn't want to be there.

@NonHerbalReasoning did OF make it clear it was just you invited or just assumed you would automatically bring DW. I'm not against either scenario (I have done both in my own personal life) but it's your own judgement. You could ask her 'if you are looking to bring DH why don't we make it a couples get together and all celebrate with my DW too'.
I highly doubt she would say no. But that's only if you felt uncomfortable or obliged to bring your DW.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/11/2019 12:09

There are many reasons why the DW may not come. Whilst the OP says they get on , maybe in reality they don't and they see his DW as a a horror

Surely this is exactly why the OPs wife is upset? That maybe his friends don't like her?

MiniCooperLover · 07/11/2019 12:11

She may well assume you knew your wife was included on the invite but you haven't assumed so which is a bit weird. My DHs first question in that instance would be 'is Mini invited' to make sure. Why didn't you do that? Is it you who doesn't want to include your DW?

WTF99 · 07/11/2019 12:11

Your previous connection is 'more or less' lost in the mists of time? Hmm
DW should be there.....

Coldilox · 07/11/2019 12:13

Just the two of them - no issue. Going out to dinner with a friend is not unusual, and I find it weird the number of people objecting.

Her DH going and not your DW is weird. That seems like deliberate exclusion.

Daftapath · 07/11/2019 12:17

I would have thought that the fact that your dw is uncomfortable about it is all that you need to know.

TryingToBeBold · 07/11/2019 12:21

Did the OF specifically say your DW was not invited? Or just assumed once her DH was coming that your DW would too?

TryingToBeBold · 07/11/2019 12:21

Just sounds like a communication/clarification problem to me.

Hollachica · 07/11/2019 12:24

It would not matter either way in my household. If her husband is going though I would probably ask mine as well.

Faultymain5 · 07/11/2019 12:26

Having dinner out with your friend would have been fine. Having dinner out with your friend and her DH would also be fine, if it was a birthday treat and they were paying. Otherwise, I'd assume they didn't like your wife.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/11/2019 12:28

You still don't seem to get that what your DW would probably expect is for you to want to include her and ask outright "I take it DW is invited too?"
DW may not want to go.
OF's intentions may be completely innocent.
It is on the face of it just a dinner between friends etc..

None of that is the point. Now her DH is suddenly onboard, whilst your DW still isn't? And where are you? On mumsnet arguing the point?

Its not a cup of coffee with a mate.
Its a special celebration dinner. To which your wife is still not included, even after OF's DH has suddenly be added.

But of course none of the above is valid because we are "a suspicious lot on Mumsnet" Its not even about our suspicions on hearing limited facts about this story, its about people appreciating how your DW might feel and trying to communicate that to you. Can you really not see that?

NoCleanClothes · 07/11/2019 12:43

Since she's friends with your wife too I do think it a little odd that she didn't think to invite your DW. It would make sense if there was some reason your DW wouldn't be invited (.e.g. you were visiting home town without wife, DW happened to be away etc) but a bit odd to exclude DW for no reason.

Gatehouse77 · 07/11/2019 12:46

Wouldn't bother me at all or in the reverse.

If I can't trust DH enough to go out for a meal with a friend then there's something seriously wrong in out relationship.
If he were to start something from that meal then our relationship is over because I don't want to be with someone who would do that and think it's okay.
If there are problems in our relationship then we work it out between us or call it a day.

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 12:52

I'd find it weird if an old friend invited hubby and me for a catch up dinner. For one,what about the kids?

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 12:52

An old friend of mine*

I read the OP as if it is an ex/old friend of the OP who knows current DW through OP.

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