NC for this.
I have a younger brother, in his mid 20s. We live in the same city- I’m in 30s, working, married with a primary school age dd. Dh and I are saving for our first home and so have made do in the 1 bed flat we have been renting since dd was a baby, we will have saved a deposit by next year but it’s been very tough in the small space!
So my db- relatively privileged background- private schooled, went to a Russell group uni, moved in with his very nice (now ex) girlfriend a couple of years ago and got a job in his chosen, very competitive (creative) field. Nevertheless he’s always been a bit entitled and selfish, which I unfortunately know more about than I probably should because during their 4 year relationship me and his gf became close. 1 year into the 2 year lease on their flat he broke up with her abruptly, left the flat and refused to speak to her again. He had decided she was holding back his ambitions in the music industry (he is a keen poet and singer, I always thought it was sort of a hobby but turns out he was feeling stifled in his job and so broke up with his gf and handed in his notice at work. I know all this because he contacted me the night he left wanting to stay with us. As it turns out we were away the following week so I said sure, use the flat for a week while you figure something out. This was back in April.
It’s now November and my brother decided that in order to focus on his music ambitions he was going to sofa surf, only work part time in temp/cash in hand jobs, with some travelling in between. He has been able to manage to feed himself and fund musical endeavours including a video, photo shoots and recording time, because he refuses to pay rent anywhere. He “needs” to be in our city thoguh so He has been sofa surfing with friends, staying with our parents when desperate (although they don’t live in the city), and asking that we let him “crash” probably once or twice a month for 3-4 days at a time. If I describe our flat: it is a small 1 bed. Dd has the one bedroom, dh and I have converted half the living room into a bedroom space and we have a sofa but it’s behind a bookcase from our bed. What I’m saying is it’s hardly suitable for the 3 of us let alone guests of any kind. When he stays, if dh is not away with work dd has to sleep in with us and my brother gets her bedroom. It means we all sleep badly and dh, dd and i are up and out by 8am for school and work every morning. However we have never said no to my brother. I get that our city is too expensive for him to afford somewhere on very part time ad hoc salary, and I’d never see him out on the street.
I guess this has come to a head for me because he’s just asked if he can “crash” for 2 nights before he jets off on a 2 week holiday to New York, he doesn’t want to pay for a hotel as “wants to save all the money he can”. He can afford a holiday to New York (somewhere I’d love to go especially this time of year!!), and to do his music, but he doesn’t want to pay for anything he sees as boring (such as a roof before he goes on an expensive long haul holiday.) Meanwhile dh and I are crammed in a tiny flat trying to save while working full time demanding jobs. And this does sound bloody minded but it’s how I feel: I’m creative too, I’d bloody love to pack it in and ignore the bills etc while I have a stab at what I love doing, but I can’t. Neither can any of the other people who have been housing my brother over the past 7 months- every single one of us works hard, pays rent and bills in this city.
Honestly I feel so frustrated with him. If he wants to do the starving artist thing fine, but the fact is he wants to continue to live in the city, and have all his spare cash and earnings to do something he enjoys (music and holidays). And isn’t self aware enough to see how annoying it is for him to want to crash at mine, at some inconevenice to us, before he goes on a holiday we couldn’t afford.
I am sure eventually his mates will get sick of him and he will need a reality check but whenever I have tried to speak to him about his plans he says he refuses to go back to work full time, and more annoyingly he spouts stuff about how other people are too tied into the “corporate machine” . He has even been lecturing one of his best friends about being a “sell out” because he has a stable job and rents a flat with his girlfriend, and making snide remarks about people who haven’t followed their creative dreams.
I feel like turning round and jsut saying if you can afford a holiday to New York right now I’m sure you can manage!! But I jsut feel like a right dick. Underneath it I do love him, I want him to be happy and I get that maybe he’s having a tough time but it’s so frustrating when I feel like he’s jsut using me (and others) so he can do exactly what he likes.
Aibu??