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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas 'gifting'

77 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 14:19

In DH's family they enjoy gifting at Christmas. they all get each other presents- extended family included. In my own family it isn't the same.

Every Christmas this results in me writing some cards, maybe sending some small gifts home...pretty easy really, but DH gets in a stress, spending the last week before rushing adding buying gifts for his immediate and extended family. It also costs a lot, he says often about 1K in total.

Over the years I have just kind of let him get on with it but it gets annoying that we could spend family time when the children are off relaxing rather than me staying with the children while he spends literally a week doing all of this.

I think it would be better if we just got things for the children and maybe family's children and there is no need for all this gifting.

AIBU or a Humbug as DH seems to think? And should I help him more as his MIL seems to think?

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 05/11/2019 14:44

Could your help be the suggestion that he starts earlier?

BeanBag7 · 05/11/2019 14:47

£1000??? How big is his family?

Suggest that he writes a list now and starts looking for ideas of what they might actually want, then go shopping in a few weeks time before it is too late and there might still be things on offer. Last minute presents are probably crap anyway. I would also suggest that you agree on a budget (together) and he is not able to exceed it - £1000 is ridiculous.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 14:49

They gift to firstly his siblings and their children, his parents and also his aunts and uncles, his cousins and their families. Obviously smaller gifts to the more distance relatives or money.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 05/11/2019 14:58

Is he not able to work out for himself that it would be less stressful and he'd have more time to find the best prices if he started earlier? Or if he agreed with his family to scale back gift giving?

For example, he could start by looking at Black Friday deals and have it all done by the end of November and probably cost less too.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/11/2019 15:01

Well he needs to knock gift exchanging with (presumably adult) siblings, aunts, uncles and adult cousins on the head for a start.

Especially if they're all just exchanging money. What does that achieve?

Or they could do a secret santa for adults so everyone gets one decent present instead of everyone spending a fortune or buying stuff that no-one really wants.

TruthIsOutThere33 · 05/11/2019 15:03

You could also suggest he does most if not all of the shopping online, and early. So he can spend the holidays with his family.

squashyhat · 05/11/2019 15:04

There is no verb 'to gift'.

sleepylittlebunnies · 05/11/2019 15:11

Why is your mum suggesting that you help him? Are your finances separate, if they are then it’s really up to him who he buys for and how much he spends.

In recent years we have only bought for our parents, DH’s nan, nephews and nieces up to age 21 and a few elderly relatives and neighbours who buy for our DC but who don’t have much family themselves.

I’d maybe help by suggesting he stops buying for adult siblings, DAs, DUs and cousins. Or at the very least they could all do a secret Santa and pick one person. As his last minute approach is taking a lot of time from your family I’d also suggest he starts buying now.

Settlersofcatan · 05/11/2019 15:15

I wouldn't interfere - just schedule some family days out the week before Christmas and let him figure out shopping. Surprised he isn't just doing it online anyway

Aposterhasnoname · 05/11/2019 15:15

Assuming you can afford that sort of cost then suggest he does it on line earlier. I did all my Christmas shopping in an hour over the weekend, and paid a bit extra for everything gift wrapped. Gift wrapping services are The Best Thing Ever

JacquesHammer · 05/11/2019 15:18

There is no verb 'to gift'

There should be a verb "to twit" though...

Suggest a massive online shop OP.

Heartburn888 · 05/11/2019 15:29

Maybe you could start earlier and pick bits up earlier in the year so it’s not a mad,hectic rush come Christmas time? It’s what I do and I’ll tell you, it’s a bloody relief to sit back and relax whilst every one else is tear arsing around getting presents when I finished in September 😂 not so much this year though I’m joining the rush around club!

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2019 15:32

Isn't the issue more that he's disorganised?

Lulualla · 05/11/2019 15:34

Why don't you compromise and say that if he wants to continue it then he needs to finish present buying before the 10th of Deceomber or something. After that, he must be fully involved with family life with the kids and can't be running around buying presents. If he must, he can shop online in the evenings or something.
And also make sure it comes out of his fun money and not joint money or anything.

Lulualla · 05/11/2019 15:36

@squashyhat

Gift absolutely can be, and is used, as a verb.

INeedNewShoes · 05/11/2019 15:37

Ugh, our family is/was like this but eventually I was brave enough to stop buying for my aunt/uncle/cousins who I rarely see. I don't think anyone was offended.

I still buy for my auntie but she is generally with us on Christmas day.

There comes a point where you have to stop or it gets ridiculous.

I have a similar issue with friends. I really don't want to get into the Christmas presents thing with friends. The only time I make an exception to this is if I'm going to spend Christmas day with them.

Bah humbug me!

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 15:39

There is no verb 'to gift'*

grammarist.com/usage/gift/

Seeingadistance · 05/11/2019 15:41

Giving. They enjoy giving.

LEELULUMPKIN · 05/11/2019 15:41

My DH started his Christmas shopping on the 17th of October and will have it all done by the third week of November.

I've known him for 27 years and he has always been the same.

Suggest your DH follows suit.

mbosnz · 05/11/2019 15:42

Gifts for aunts, uncles, and cousins? That's a bit extreme isn't it?

Has he thought of Amazon Prime? And yes, starting earlier in the year, a spreadsheet with who to buy for, what you plan on buying, budget, and to be crossed off when done really helps.

And if you don't want to, then there's no reason why you should be helping more. Or perhaps he should be helping more with your family's Christmas organisation?

Beaverdam · 05/11/2019 15:42

Its his and his family tradition by the looks of it. Comoletley uo to him if he wants to carry it on. That is partly what cgristmas is about to most people. The exxitment of rushing around to find the perfect gift.

Purpleartichoke · 05/11/2019 15:43

I agree with you that a smaller gifting circle is the superior method. But given his family culture, I would push to change his scheduling. Even with our small gift list, I try to be done with my shopping by the end of November. I don’t want to be spending December rushing around, I want to have time for looking at lights and drinking cocoa.

egontoste · 05/11/2019 15:43

I know a lot of people use it they shouldn't but the very word 'gifting' makes me cringe.

Lulualla · 05/11/2019 15:45

It's been in use for 400 years. It's a perfectly legitimate verb.

Alicia9999 · 05/11/2019 15:46

I also hate the word 'gifting'

Unless your DH finds it a problem himself and has asked you for a solution, it's not really up to you is it... sounds like it's you that has the issue.

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