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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas 'gifting'

77 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 14:19

In DH's family they enjoy gifting at Christmas. they all get each other presents- extended family included. In my own family it isn't the same.

Every Christmas this results in me writing some cards, maybe sending some small gifts home...pretty easy really, but DH gets in a stress, spending the last week before rushing adding buying gifts for his immediate and extended family. It also costs a lot, he says often about 1K in total.

Over the years I have just kind of let him get on with it but it gets annoying that we could spend family time when the children are off relaxing rather than me staying with the children while he spends literally a week doing all of this.

I think it would be better if we just got things for the children and maybe family's children and there is no need for all this gifting.

AIBU or a Humbug as DH seems to think? And should I help him more as his MIL seems to think?

OP posts:
Madcats · 05/11/2019 15:50

My side of the family buy up until age 18 and then just have token goodies/drink/food gifts if visiting. We all have far too much stuff.

When I was younger (so more nieces and nephews to buy for) I found that a Thursday night stuck in John Lewis until I'd bought all the gifts worked remarkably well. Almost worth booking him into a Travelodge if it is some miles away!

HugeAckmansWife · 05/11/2019 15:51

Obviously the solution is to either cut back or start earlier but i actually think its a bit depressing to do it all in an hour online or in September. Its not meant to be an onerous chore but a enjoyable opportunity to choose something a person who means something to you will enjoy. This probably does mean limiting the number of people but i love going out in the dark when shops are all christmassy and choosing nice things (not necessarily expensive) for parents, sibling, my kids and my partner. Anyway, as you were (wanders off humming Christmas songs 🎄)

Redwinestillfine · 05/11/2019 15:52

Tell him that you need him around more the week before Christmas. Don't offer solutions unless he asks.

Lovemusic33 · 05/11/2019 15:57

Tell him to start shopping earlier. I would buy the same gift for each person or similar and buy in bulk, so posh chocolates or a bottle of something for the aunts, uncles and cousins, a hamper for brothers and sisters and vouchers for the kids. Doesn’t have to be so stressful as he’s making it.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 16:11

Yes it is his family tradition. They even arrange for a family member to exchange gifts - they drive up and then we are told when they are arriving so we can have the gifts ready for them to take back. So there is an expectation there! No-one seems able to change it and of course families have grown over the years...it stems from his MIL's family I think.

There also seems to be an expectation from his siblings and mother that I will be arranging this. For example they ring and ask how I am getting on with it and if I am finished yet or whatever, or suggest ideas. One time my MIL even mentioned she felt one relative 'didn't have enough' after we dropped round presents, and she had added to it.

OP posts:
Andylion · 05/11/2019 16:18

They even arrange for a family member to exchange gifts - they drive up and then we are told when they are arriving so we can have the gifts ready for them to take back.

There doesn't seem to be much joy in that type of giving, just a straight transaction. I bet if only one person in your OH's family suggested cutting back, they would all be relieved.

shushymcshush · 05/11/2019 16:19

YANBU

DF is one of 5 siblings, every year they used to give presents to each other and their siblings partners. 16 gifts. Madness and generally stuff that wasn't really what the recipient wanted/liked. Until one day, one of them suggested that they should just get each other a nice bottle of wine or something.

And now that's what they do.

Redwinestillfine · 05/11/2019 16:19

Your DH needs to be redirecting any gift related business to himself!

Drum2018 · 05/11/2019 16:21

They gift to firstly his siblings and their children, his parents and also his aunts and uncles, his cousins and their families. Obviously smaller gifts to the more distance relatives or money.

This scenario would send me to an asylum. Why on earth does he buy for cousins and aunts/uncles? It's madness buying stuff for them when you as a family could use the money wasted spent instead. I can understand buying for siblings and parents though I gave that up years ago. With regards to kids we just buy for godchildren on my side. Dh's family have suggested Kris Kindle but as I don't buy for my own siblings, I'm not getting involved with it. When I put it to him that he would have to think about what to get the person and shop for it, he also declined to partake. Maybe your dhs family could try the kris kindle route where adults just have to then buy one gift. As for kids, I'd be buying a joint family gift of a board game or similar, or just give them £5 and selection box each.

DC3dilemma · 05/11/2019 16:25

Oh my goodness, DO NOT help him. You are the life goal for all married women -don’t make his work your wife work. Honestly, I applaud you for leaving this to him.

What I would change is the unacceptable loss of his time spent on this. In December, life gets busy with school stuff etc. One adult doesn’t get to check out and spend a whole week in this stuff. Share the family load equally and if he has trouble fitting it all in, remind him that Christmas falls at a predictable time, and if he wants to continue this level input into his family’s gifting, he’ll need to spread it across the year or do it in his own leisure time, not your family’s time.

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 16:25

My sister starts buying presents just after Christmas so that she has loads in stock for the next Christmas.

She also does the "gift exchange" thing. Except I can't afford to buy her family anything and eventually I asked her to stop giving us all presents when we can't reciprocate.

It didn't stop her, though.

Iloveacurry · 05/11/2019 16:25

He either needs to say something like we just buying for the kids, or start his shopping earlier. Amazon is his friend. Or any other delivery company!

TooMuchSun12 · 05/11/2019 16:26

@egontoste

I know a lot of people use it (they shouldn't) but the very word 'gifting' makes me cringe.

^
This is solely what I came on to say too! Grin

mbosnz · 05/11/2019 16:27

Well they might view it as your role and job, but you don't. That might be their family culture, but it's not yours! Theirs does not trump yours. So if they want to talk giftypoos, they take it up with the actual member of the family that is buying into this lunacy tradition. . .

Drum2018 · 05/11/2019 16:28

There also seems to be an expectation from his siblings and mother that I will be arranging this. For example they ring and ask how I am getting on with it and if I am finished yet or whatever, or suggest ideas. One time my MIL even mentioned she felt one relative 'didn't have enough' after we dropped round presents, and she had added to it

Of course, you're a woman so it's obviously your job Hmm. Tell them you have no involvement whatsoever in choosing or buying gifts for their families, given you don't even do it for your own family.

Your Dh has the option to opt out of the gift exchanges altogether. A short text sent to everyone telling them not to buy for him/your kids and in turn he won't be buying for anyone - job done. The world won't end if aunty Betty doesn't get a scented candle from him this year.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 16:28

I might suggest he buys a hamper per household...that way he is still giving a gift but less of and one all can enjoy...might actually work out a bit cheaper too.They can all be ordered well in advance and delivered direct to households...thus freeing up time and energy...I can;t moan about the amount he spends cos thats roughly my xmas budget too!!!!

CalamityJune · 05/11/2019 16:31

I don't think there is anything wrong with him buying gifts for his family as long as it comes from his own spending money. I would have a problem with the week before Christmas being unnecessarily busy though. As PP says, he should be more organised though.

Brefugee · 05/11/2019 16:33

gosh what a pain. Make a list, order it online to be delivered, gift wrapped, to wherever it needs to go and forget. Or have it all delivered, gift wrapped, to him at home ready to dump on the relative that turns up.

But it must be done before 1st December. Because as PP said, one member of the family doesn't get to check out of family activities.

Deffo stay out of it!

FriedasCarLoad · 05/11/2019 16:35

There is no verb 'to gift'

Maybe, but I’d it really helpful or kind to offer unsolicited advice about grammar?

Deadringer · 05/11/2019 16:36

He is just disorganized. He probably enjoys rushing around getting it all sorted though. If you can afford it just let him get on with it, but I would definitely suggest online shopping to him, he would get it done in an hour.

Chewbecca · 05/11/2019 16:39

I don't think it is your place to change their family norms.

And I certainly wouldn't be offering to help.

But I would suggest either he starts earlier or does them all in one evening online.

TryingToBeBold · 05/11/2019 16:41

His present budget is his prerogative, although if it affects mental health or household budget then maybe it's time to review.
I buy for my sister and her partner. My parents. My nans. My aunt and uncle. My partner and my best friend. So although some distant family.. not much.
I would only recommend he starts earlier? I'm not ashamed to say I started picking up bits last month.

TryingToBeBold · 05/11/2019 16:43

I sometimes help my partner buy for his family but only in terms of ideas etc. And he does the same for mine.
But its not my responsibility. I often buy and gift more than he does. And therefore his family is his responsibility and vice versa.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 05/11/2019 16:45

My suggestions are:

  1. Leave him to it, it's his family so he's entitled to buy them Christmas gifts if he was. So you're YABU there.
  1. Him shelling out £1000 is ridiculous. A lot of it can be bought cheaply if he planned ahead & looked at the mn Christmas bargains thread. They're on thread #10 atm but there's some fantastic bargains on there.
  1. It's too late to stop giving gifts for this year but he can scale it down instead. So instead of individual gifts buy family gifts instead like board games, experiences & edibles. I've ordered previously Aldi hampers for family & they've gone down well.

Then next year he can reduce it further to token gifts only.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 05/11/2019 16:47

My family used to do this, until we got to second generation and it became ridiculous (when 15 cousins have 2 or 3 kids each, it's impossible to actually give anyone anything they'd really like!) - so now it's token stuff done by one level up from me (so my aunts/parents), generally at the family level - ie. a present for each family, rather than for individuals, but no-one from my level down does anything outside of their immediate family. We did try secret Santa for a couple of years, but after giving gifts at the proscribed level of cost, but receiving gifts at 1/4 of that, I joined in the chorus suggesting we stopped even that.

My solution, when we did it, was themed presents across the age bracket, and generally food based - eg. a baileys mini with a glass full of marshmallows or, a hot chocolate kit, or woolly hats for all the aunts and uncles.

Food based was generally more welcome than general tat.

But yes, he just needs a list, and to have started last month, rather than doing it all last minute.