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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas 'gifting'

77 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 14:19

In DH's family they enjoy gifting at Christmas. they all get each other presents- extended family included. In my own family it isn't the same.

Every Christmas this results in me writing some cards, maybe sending some small gifts home...pretty easy really, but DH gets in a stress, spending the last week before rushing adding buying gifts for his immediate and extended family. It also costs a lot, he says often about 1K in total.

Over the years I have just kind of let him get on with it but it gets annoying that we could spend family time when the children are off relaxing rather than me staying with the children while he spends literally a week doing all of this.

I think it would be better if we just got things for the children and maybe family's children and there is no need for all this gifting.

AIBU or a Humbug as DH seems to think? And should I help him more as his MIL seems to think?

OP posts:
FluffyAlpaca19 · 05/11/2019 16:49

Correction they're on bargain thread 11 on the Christmas board.

Christmas:

Thread 11 - it seemed like a good deal but ......... can anyone tell me what it does and why I need it?

LittleAndOften · 05/11/2019 16:50

@Lulualla whilst there is evidence that 'gifting' was used in 17th century, it's been obsolete for centuries and only recently reintroduced. That's why it feels so jarring to many. It sets my teeth on edge.

OP, my DH used to do similar, his DM and DSis are shopaholics and he always used to panic that he'd not spent enough on them (they spend hundreds, I find it embarrassing) and would go out and spend for the sake of it, even though we couldn't afford it.

I finally got him to see the light and he's much better now, he buys them one or two things they really like instead of just throwing money about. What is he really trying to achieve with this panic buying?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 16:50

I think I used the word 'gifting' as I find the whole thing so annoying! I actually first saw it used on a forum about narcissistic parents (a whole other story) who do 'gifting' in a manipulative way. So I must have picked it up from there.

Anyway, yes the hamper idea sounds good (but a bit expensive). Yes I do say to MIL when she reminds me about other gifting times e.g. birthdays of her family / relatives, OK, I'll remind DH about that...and leave it there. It's all so stressful!

I did suggest a couple of years ago that maybe some hand made things would go down well. Could just make a lot of chocolates for example and bag them up and send them. DH liked this idea but he still leaves it late and then grumbles about going to buy all the ingredients and bags etc. He hints about his sisters do this kind of thing. Which is nice if they enjoy it.

I mean i do enjoy cooking etc but not if it is enforced / expected, it kind of takes the fun out of it a bit. At least, when he does the sweets he involves the DC and it is nice activity for them to do together. And cheaper. (but he tends to add to it by buying stuff on top though annoyingly)

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 16:53

Littleandoften that is exactly what my DH is like.

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cheesewitheverything · 05/11/2019 16:54

Martin Lewis from the Money Programme is very good on this subject - anyone remember seeing that on his programme last year? Basically his big money saving idea for Christmas is just say to people that we won't do presents this year...but obviously you need to get in earlier than November to say this. You can do a £5 limit for fun presents, or say it's going to charity, whatever you like, but just announce in plenty of time that enough is enough. I've done that with a few friends and we still have a fun time together but without the stress of how much to spend, what to buy, etc.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 16:55

I think mine is improving also. With more children being born there are more of them and it is just too much.

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FluffyAlpaca19 · 05/11/2019 16:57

The cheapest hamper in Aldi is £19.99 so not really that expensive. Otherwise he could buy all the bits from Aldi/Lidl to make up the hampers himself. This is what I do and can make up about 8 hampers for £60.

www.aldi.co.uk/hampers

HuaShan · 05/11/2019 16:58

My husband is the same - he has a big family, 3 siblings, 9 nieces/nephews, great Aunts, the lot! I have only 1 sister and some close friends. It doesn't help that his entire family all give each other piles of gifts and tbh I find it stressful! I have trained him over the years to buy minimally but thoughtfully for ds and I and I let him get on with it for his own family.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 17:02

We have separate finances, so also for this reason I try not to get involved. So he gets a big bill and I spend under £100. the hampers sound a good plan.

Yes the problem is these things start and then cause a saturation that no-one seems to feel they can change. He would need to say that to them not me.

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 17:03

I find it stressful when they buy me gifts and I end up sometimes giving them e.g to the school fete for prizes for example. It seems like such a waste.

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Whitleyboy · 05/11/2019 17:42

If you don't want to help your DH with present buying that is fine but, just because you don't do it for your extended family, doesn't mean DH shouldn't. Don't try and control what he does if they enjoy exchanging presents.

I would just tell MIL that you buy for your side and DH is responsible for his side of the family and ask her to speak to him about it directly.

Incidentally what have you said each time she has phoned to see how far along you (he) is with the present- buying?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 17:46

I'm not controlling what he does. I don't moan about it or the cost - but I do get fed up when he moans about doing it and doesn't change.

When she asks I just kind of change the subject really. Or say DH is busy with it.

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 17:46

Or I generally say how I am doing with my own family stuff...

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 17:49

FluffyAlpaca when you say you can make up those hampers yourself do you mean online or buy the stuff yourself? My family are far away and it looks a good plan for me. I just sent one already. (pre-packed) Do you just select others stuff and add it to the order? Great value and free delivery too, you can add a message as well.

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BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 05/11/2019 17:53

He needs to be more organised and not give in to the itch to buy more. Black Friday is coming up. He needs to make a list now, write the budget for each person next to it and spend the evening ordering stuff. That’d probably take care of at least the aunts and uncles and cousins.

He should have pulled his mum up on interfering in his previous ‘gifting’ Grin it’s not her place to say what’s enough.

Whitleyboy · 05/11/2019 17:56

@FluffyAlpaca19

"Him shelling out £1000 is ridiculous. A lot of it can be bought cheaply if he planned ahead & looked at the mn Christmas bargains thread."
Plenty of families spend far more on presents. If he can afford it, what's wrong with it? It sounds like he buys decent presents instead of cheap tat.

Babybel90 · 05/11/2019 18:19

This would drive me mad, I bet most of it ends up in the charity shop or back of a wardrobe anyway!

DHs family are like this but we’re not and we found out his parents were giving people presents “from us” which is weird enough but the presents were framed photographs of us, I wanted to curl up and die when I found that out!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/11/2019 18:30

YANBU, OP. DH's family is the same...we're expected to buy for all the adults in his extended family (he has several aunts, uncles and cousins) as well as all their DC. They all try to outdo each other. It gets ridiculously expensive and time consuming as the family grows. So one year DH suggested we all just buy for the kids instead of adults buying for each other and oh the drama! MIL accused us of "trying to ruin Christmas". So now we just give modest token gifts (usually a bottle of wine or box of chocolates, maybe a tin of nice biscuits) to keep the peace but refuse to get involved in their OTT competitive gifting.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 18:32

It's a bit rude saying you need to spend lots to have decent presents! That is not the case. And no, it is usually because he is throwing money at it because it is last minute to be honest.

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 18:34

we found out his parents were giving people presents “from us” which is weird enough but the presents were framed photographs of us, I wanted to curl up and die when I found that out!

Oh... I can imagine similar! Grin

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 18:36

one year DH suggested we all just buy for the kids instead of adults buying for each other and oh the drama! MIL accused us of "trying to ruin Christmas". So now we just give modest token gifts (usually a bottle of wine or box of chocolates, maybe a tin of nice biscuits) to keep the peace but refuse to get involved in their OTT competitive gifting

Yes I can imagine the drama! This is very similar / familiar. Yes good plan. In fact some of the other relatives more distant send these packs of biscuits the tins etc- all wrapped up! It usually ends up in the food bank..

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 05/11/2019 18:37

Interestingly, the thing I mentioned about narcs using 'gifting' - it is as a control thing. To show how special they are etc. and to expect it in return. Sounds quite important to some of these MILs...

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Babybel90 · 05/11/2019 18:54

I totally agree about it being a narc thing, MIL gives us tons of gifts, literally bags full, but it’s all shit from the pound shop, like washing up sponges or packs of Kleenex wrapped up in paper with a gift tag on, but she has to know she’s given us “the most”.

She also gives us a gift voucher for a supermarket that she uses, but we don’t, so she can tell her friends that she’s paying for our Christmas. I’ve tried to tell her not to bother but apparently that would “ruin Christmas”. Never mind that her little control games are actually what ruins Christmas for everyone around her. She might spend loads of money but there’s a complete lack of thoughtfulness.

messolini9 · 05/11/2019 18:54

Thank you @squashyhat.

There is no verb 'to gift

egontoste · 05/11/2019 21:57

@TooMuchSun12 Grin

I have found my people (well, one of them anyway).