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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no fight left

97 replies

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 12:54

I left my abusive relationship earlier this year. I had written a number of posts about the abuse. He made me drive long distances with his daughter for school runs. He was physically, sexually, emotionally, financially and all round abusive. He neglected his son and cancelled his important health appointments. I finally plucked up the courage to leave (thank you MN) but am now facing court.

We own a house together and I am not eligible for legal aid as I own a house. He still lives in this house and will not sell. I can't push a sale quick enough to raise funds for court. I am in debt but legal aid don't care. There is only 18k in the house between the two of us.

I am facing a 3-5 day fact finding. I am going to be cross examined by my abuser. I know I'm going to fall apart and I am going to be on my own. I'm so scared.

Where the hell do I go from here? I'm losing my fight

OP posts:
Crazydoglady1980 · 05/11/2019 12:57

Sorry I have no experience but have you contacted your local women’s aid? They maybe able to offer advice and support

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 12:57

Well done, Chocolate.

Sorry I haven't got any practical advice but someone will be along soon who does, I'm sure.

Leaving him must have been so difficult. Flowers

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/11/2019 12:59

Yes to women's aid

I presume you're representing yourself in court? The judge won't let him rip you apart in court, in fact it'll go against him. a lot of people have benefitted from self representing as the judge will talk you through it.

Original poster
ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 12:59

Women's aid have been amazing. I'm having counselling from a local charity that helps with sexual abuse. I have a friend who is a solicitor who is helping me with all my paperwork but she can't representat me as she would lose too much money. I'm just scared to go on my own without someone who can talk for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 12:59

Yes, representing myself as litigant in person. They let me have screens though as I have an injunction against him.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 05/11/2019 13:01

I don't know whether they could help but try Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/ I know they offer free legal advice at the very least and may even be able to signpost you to someone who can help you further. Worth a try, wish I could help more Flowers

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 13:01

I'm just scared to go on my own without someone who can talk for me

As PP said, the judge won't let your Ex rip you apart.

Just take your time and answer slowly and honestly. If your Ex bullies you it will not go in his favour.

Remember that you don't have to answer quickly. Gather your thoughts and give as measured a reply as you can.

IrrationalIrational · 05/11/2019 13:03

Op. Can you take a friend with you? Somebody that can emotionally support you? I’m so sorry your going through this. Just try to remember this is the last time after this is over you can truly move on with your life Flowers

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 13:03

Have you got a friend or family member who will accompany you, for moral support?

Jimdandy · 05/11/2019 13:03

Try and find a Mckenzie friend

Original poster
ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 13:04

My friend is coming with me but almost feel better her not being there as I am embarrassed about my life and some of the things in my statement for example the sexual things he used to do without my consent.

I hope so. But if it doesn't go my way I potentially won't be able to move forwards and he will harass and get aggressive with me like he used to when the non mol runs out

OP posts:
IrrationalIrational · 05/11/2019 13:07

I understand the embarrassment Op. is the court case purely for the house or are you pressing charges against him for abuse? Abuse affects you on every single level & it’s important To take it at your pace. You already have an injunction against him so the police know what he’s doing so it anything else happens they are already safe - I know this isn’t much relief though

Original poster
ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 13:09

It's child arrangements and I'm desperately trying to get indirect or no contact for my son as he is abusive and dangerous. He nearly broke his little girl emotionally. It's so sad

OP posts:
Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 05/11/2019 13:10

Look up Advocate - it's a charity offering free advice and representation for those who can't afford it and aren't eligible for legal aid.

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 13:10

I have a feeling that you're imagining that he will win, because he has always had so much control over you.

From what you say it seems very likely that you will win this case and he will show himself up for the abuser he is.

The judge will have seen this scenario many times before and will help you as a litigant in person. It is part of the judge's job to do this and to ensure that you're not bullied.

I wouldn't worry about being embarrassed by your friend hearing some of the sexual details. It is more important that you have support there.

Hidingtonothing · 05/11/2019 13:10

It might also be worth re-posting your OP on the Legal Matters board on here (in the Other Stuff section) in case anyone there knows someone who could help, again worth a try.

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 13:12

If he gets aggressive again when the Non-Mol runs out you have to call the police and press charges.

If he carries on being aggressive/abusive he will end up with a prison sentence.

Original poster
ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 13:13

Thank you. I have tried Advocate. They said my case is too long and complex for them to help currently. They can help for 3 days. Apparently my fact finding could last 5 due to the amount and seriousness of allegations.

I posted in legal matters first but didn't get as much of a response. I just need to keep talking to people. Even if it is random people on here. I'm constantly refreshing as I just need to know it's all going to be ok. I'm so fucking scared.

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 05/11/2019 13:18

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through it last year and received new papers again today as he's taking me back next month as he wants more than he was given. We didn't reach fact finder stage but it was three hearings. Do you have a Mackenzie friend to go with you? Can someone from women's aid accompany you? Also are Cafcass involved? Xx

Welshwabbit · 05/11/2019 13:18

OP have you tried looking at these people? They can't provide legal advice but can offer support which may be helpful particularly if you'd prefer your friend not to hear all the details.

www.supportthroughcourt.org/

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 13:18

@ChocolateSiany

I have been through a similar experience with my long-ago Ex-H.

I understand how terrified you are. I felt the same. I took a friend with me for support and honestly the case was much easier to deal with once it got going than I had imagined it would be.

And then, suddenly - it was over. And I won - and felt amazing.

You can do this. You have been strong enough to leave this man and strike out on your own. That took courage.

flirtygirl · 05/11/2019 13:20

You are so brave op. Never forget that.

I left very similar but I'm not as brave and didn't pursue anything but divorce on purpose, as was lucky to have some legal knowledge and he wasn't on the house mortgage or deeds and not as clued up as me. I could sell up and move away to go no contact. (also we built a property abroad worth more that he kept, so he had no reason to pursue the UK house.)

You are brave and strong and you need to remember this. Many women who have been where you are have not been able to go to court, you are doing it, you will do it and you will get through it.

Remember what awaits you, when all this is over. Freedom and you cannot put a price on freedom. It's priceless.

Koko
Keep on keepin on.
Well done op and good luck.

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 13:22

Keep talking to us OP. We're listening.

autumn2203 · 05/11/2019 13:23

In court you can and should ask for the following:

A domestic violence trained witness support worker, they can sit with you throughout the whole proceedings and can offer a great deal of support.

Screens that you already know about, email now and call the day before to ensure they are in place.

A duty solicitor may be able to offer some help on the day if you get stuck do ask

Know that the courts see many many women in your position, they will explain everything to you, they will ensure to make it as easy as they can and will endeavour to ensure it is as quick as possible. They will understand your predicament and will act accordingly.

Do not be afraid or embarrassed to tell them precisely what happened, if you need to cry then do, because anyone would in your place.

Your friend will not judge you op, they will only feel more upset for you than before potentially. Take as many friends or family members you as you need, they can sit at the back of the court or in the waiting room if you prefer.

Your abuser can not and will not be allowed to rip you apart, he will be removed and proceedings will continue without him.

You can do this, you have already come so far. Deep breath, last hurdle op is the house. Once that is settled you will be free to truly move on.

xsarax · 05/11/2019 13:29

Oh OP , I don’t have any advice I just wanted to give you a hug Flowers keep talking to us x

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