I have no fight left

[ChocolateSiany]

I left my abusive relationship earlier this year. I had written a number of posts about the abuse. He made me drive long distances with his daughter for school runs. He was physically, sexually, emotionally, financially and all round abusive. He neglected his son and cancelled his important health appointments. I finally plucked up the courage to leave (thank you MN) but am now facing court.

We own a house together and I am not eligible for legal aid as I own a house. He still lives in this house and will not sell. I can't push a sale quick enough to raise funds for court. I am in debt but legal aid don't care. There is only 18k in the house between the two of us.

I am facing a 3-5 day fact finding. I am going to be cross examined by my abuser. I know I'm going to fall apart and I am going to be on my own. I'm so scared.

Where the hell do I go from here? I'm losing my fight

Great advice from autumn.

I know you're terrified OP but this will be a distant memory one day.

You are incredibly brave. The bench will see your fear, they will know how scared you are, and they will do all they can to reach a conclusion.

When you go into the court try to see the people there as real people, that will listen and try to help you. You are not on trial, you have done nothing wrong op. Your part in this is to simply tell the truth as calmly and clearly as you possibly can.

Steady yourself with a sugary tea beforehand
Speak up and very clearly in court
Take a packet of tissues
Ask for water before you begin so you can take a sip when you feel your composure is waning
Write some bullet points that are important to your case in case you go blank.
Mentally prepare yourself so you are ready to hear his voice, his side. He may not tell the truth, don't shout or respond. Just shake your head and stay silent. He can't hurt you anymore op, and any court will see through his lies very quickly if that is the case. Trust in their ability to get to the truth.
Hold onto the fact you have been a decent human being, and have done all you can. Now you need to take a very deep breath and do this one last thing.

Be glad you are alive, many women before you did not make it to court over the house sadly. You have made it. You are on the final last run.
Do all you can to get to the finish line, and when you are there you will look back on this time with pride. You have the courage inside.

You can do this op.

Thank you so much everyone. Just for clarity this hearing is nothing to do with the house, it's child arrangements and that's what I'm terrified about. That he will get access to and will emotionally batter my son like he did everyone else in his life.

There must be someone that can help you OP, please stay strong, and hopefully someone will be along with some advise soon.

What is your plan to go for supervised contact centre or no access whatsoever?

What if he gets access? This is someone I had to remove my child from because he was shouting in his face and shaking him at 3 months old. That was my final straw and I took my son and left and never went back. Courts can't give a man like that access to a child can they? I'm so scared for my baby boy.

I want either no access or indirect. Supervised access is usually a stepping stone to unsupervised. That cannot happen as it is not safe. If he goes on a DVPP and changes, then we can discuss supervised, but this will not happen. I am not the first woman he has abused. My son is not the first child he has abused. He will not change.

It doesn't sound at all likely that he will get access to your son. You already have a Non-Mol in place and loads of evidence that he is aggressive and controlling.

Stay calm. Let him be the one who disintegrates and shows himself as the violent man he is.

The court will see through him, I'm sure.

Obviously judges vary, but they tend to be very mindful of PD3AA (www.justice.gov.uk/courts/procedure-rules/family/practice_directions/practice-direction-3aa-vulnerable-persons-participation-in-proceedings-and-giving-evidence) and PD12J (www.justice.gov.uk/courts/procedure-rules/family/practice_directions/pd_part_12j#32a).

Do you have any more hearings before the fact-finding hearing? If so, ask the judge to order that your ex has to submit a list of questions to the judge for approval at the start of the fact-finding hearing, from which he can't depart. If you don't have any more hearings, you can ask for the ground rules to be established at the start of the fact-finding hearing. This should give you some reassurance as to how the hearing will run.

If you can, try and get an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate (IDVA) to attend to help you.

I don't even think it's possible to explain how scary it is, knowing your young child could be left on his own with an abuser. This is a man who sexually assaulted me. I pray that they aren't pulled in by his manipulative ways. I hate myself for appeasing him so much and tiptoeing around him so much

Big hugs. I don’t have any advice. You are a strong woman.

Thank you @gruffalo - I have one directions hearing before the fact finding. My friend has looked at the paperwork and has said there's so much evidence there that they may not even need a fact finding hearing. We will see.

You won't fall apart. Somehow you'll muster up that strength again and get through this just like you got through leaving him.

My word you're a brave woman and I felt proud of you for just reading this even though I don't know you.

Wishing you the very best of luck.
You are stronger than you think.

You are also an a amazing mother for taking your son away from this piece of shit for everyday of his life.
I hope you wipe the floor with his abusive vile arse.
The truth will set you free and somehow it mostly always comes out

My Ex got supervised access to our DC.

He was outraged that the court had "deprived him of his rights" as he put it.

Fast forward a few months and he went once to the contact centre, was abusive to the staff (verbally) and then had even the supervised access revoked.

It isn't always a stepping-stone to unsupervised access, by any means. Often it is a method by which people with poor impulse control are weeded out and eventually denied contact with their DC altogether.

Your Ex doesn't sound like the type to appreciate being told what to do. Probably he is only going through with this case to carry on being controlling and abusive towards you. I doubt if he really cares about the baby at all.

Has he been charged by the police for any offences?
Is there a record either a criminal one or a medical one to support your case?

Stay calm op, I know you will be really afraid, but the courts are there to protect your child not to cause any harm.

Did you report his shaking of the baby to the police at the time?

At one of our hearings my Ex was jailed for contempt of court because he wouldn't stay calm and became abusive to the judge.

Yours sounds like the same type, TBH.

They will have read all the papers pertaining to the case and will have met types like your Ex many, many times.

I know it's hard but you already know that.

Look at what you have already done.

You can do this, because you have to.

You have to try your best to protect you and your child from this vile man.

You have said "no more" to him and that took guts. What is he going to do to you in court in front of a bunch of legal professionals that's any worse than what he has already done to you in the past. You survived all that horror. You can stand up to him some more because you are brave, you are strong, you are going to take any shit he has to dish out and then in the end, you are going to laugh in his nasty horrible face because you tried your best against him and all his abusive twattishness couldn't stop you. The fact you don't respond to his abuse any more will upset him whether you win or not because he is an abusive bastard who wants you under his thumb and you have shown he's not getting that from you any more.

Stay strong, best of luck on the day.

Evidence I have: non molestation order, report to police regarding him destroying all my property, medical records from gp about all of the abuse and the anxiety medication I am on, a referral from a health visitor at a children's centre who I spoke to very briefly (I didn't know she was going to make this report), court paperwork from his court case with his ex that refers to him being an aggressive person, harassing texts from him which include threats, witness statements from friends who are both professional medical doctors and witnessed his behaviour, screen shots from hospital systems with notes on about him cancelling my son's scan (he denied this in court), DASH assessment, MARAC report, health visitor records where she saw me in a state after leaving, women's aid logs from before I had even left him, photos of my destroyed property, harassing messages he sent to my mum...

OP, I know the feeling that you have no fight left.

Have a look at all the local charities that support DA survivors. In my area one charity can provide a mentor to accompany you in court. It's someone who has usually been through it themselves, and is less personal than bringing a friend.

Take it one day at a time. As you have posted, you may not even have to do a fact finding, so try not to give too much of your precious energy on something that might not happen. I don't mean this unkindly, I am reflecting on my own experiences and what got me through.

Have you documented your opinions about the DVPP and being open to changing contact after that? Because I think that might help your situation. Despite everything you have been throught, you are open to the possibility of him changing (however slight it might be!) and the court would look positively on that, I imagine.

I suggested the DVPP. He is denying all abuse and claiming that I have mental health problems and conditioned him in to believing he is abusive which is apparently why he admitted to being an abuser in texts.... I know, give me strength.

Did you report him to the police when he shook the baby?

Have you considered reporting the sexual assault to the police op?

You have ALOT of evidence to support your case, well done op, you sound very very prepared. Take everything with you. Make copies of every single document and store in a file somewhere safe too.

Have some confidence, it is a strong case. The court are unlikely to give him unsupervised access to a small baby if there is any question of safety.

I didn't, but I phoned women's aid and got out of there. A police officer came to see me within a month after but he said I didn't have evidence to prosecute and advised me against it. I am in the middle of complaining to the police and they're taking it quite seriously. I was very dismissed by them and having spoken to someone in their domestic violence team, they are really appalled by some of the things that were said to me. A young male officer told me I was safe as he had never hit me and that the fact that I have control over my own bank accounts means the abuse wasn't THAT BAD.

I missed my chance to report him to the police properly because of this. I don't want to dwell on it. I am angry about it.

The courts have heard the old chestnut ' she has mental problems' a million times over, do not let that worry you.
It doesn't wash unless he has substantial medical records from MH professionals to support his claim you are mentally unwell, and I assume he doesn't have those. In the event that you DID have very severe mental health issues, this still would not automatically mean he would be given access to the child. You would be offered support with different agencies, and more care would be taken over access not less.

It will be interesting to see how the courts react to his claim about your MH, as lying to them about your non existent mental health issues will not endear him to them, and will only highlight his capacity to lie and manipulate, they will quickly dismiss it is my guess.