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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have no fight left

97 replies

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 12:54

I left my abusive relationship earlier this year. I had written a number of posts about the abuse. He made me drive long distances with his daughter for school runs. He was physically, sexually, emotionally, financially and all round abusive. He neglected his son and cancelled his important health appointments. I finally plucked up the courage to leave (thank you MN) but am now facing court.

We own a house together and I am not eligible for legal aid as I own a house. He still lives in this house and will not sell. I can't push a sale quick enough to raise funds for court. I am in debt but legal aid don't care. There is only 18k in the house between the two of us.

I am facing a 3-5 day fact finding. I am going to be cross examined by my abuser. I know I'm going to fall apart and I am going to be on my own. I'm so scared.

Where the hell do I go from here? I'm losing my fight

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 14:14

He is denying all abuse and claiming that I have mental health problems and conditioned him in to believing he is abusive which is apparently why he admitted to being an abuser in texts

Yeah, right.

That won't fly in court, ChocolateSiany so don't worry about that particular bit of it.

You have loads of evidence. There has even been a previous court case, with a different woman, who has accused him of all the things you're accusing him.

You're terrified. Many women on this thread completely understand that as we have been where you are.

Once this part of the case is over you only need to sort out the house, which will be much easier emotionally.

You want to protect your child. You already have protected your child, by leaving this worthless piece-of-shit excuse for a man.

You can do this. Stay strong. And please update the thread once the case is over. You will feel a million times better when it's in the past.

eddielizzard · 05/11/2019 14:15

autumn2203 · 05/11/2019 14:17

As a bare minimum he should have been charged with coercive control, that is a definite police failing I am afraid.
The fact you reported it to the police is meaningful however. It will be taken seriously by the courts regardless of a prosecution or not.

Your evidence is outstanding. No court in the land is going to put a baby at risk, just keep reminding yourself of that over and over again.

This will soon be over op.

BabyCountDown · 05/11/2019 14:18

Keep fighting for you and your child. You are doing amazing

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 14:19

I'm guessing it is too late to prosecute now? And pointless trying?

I didn't know what was going on at the time. I was too scared to prosecute and didn't even know coercive control was a thing.

OP posts:

Michelleoftheresistance · 05/11/2019 14:21

Look at what you've already done

This.

You're amazing for having found a way to leave this man and got to this point. Despite all you've been through you did it. You've already proved he can't keep you down.

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 14:31

😥😥😥 got myself in to this bloody mess in the first place though!

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 14:32

Why do I look at that evidence and still think it's ridiculous to call it abuse? I still feel like I am being stupid and he never actually abused me.

OP posts:

TheABC · 05/11/2019 14:36

Keep going. One step at a time.

You are believed - your friends, doctors and social services all believe you. The police are investigating your complaint.

You are prepared: you already have amassed evidence against him. You have asked for screens. You are seeking support.

You are strong. You immediately moved to protect your child.

The worst he can throw against you are words. He can try to embarrass you or break you but the shame is his alone.

You've got this, OP.
You are amazing.

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 14:50

I hope the evidence is enough .

OP posts:

YorkshireMummyof1 · 05/11/2019 14:53

@chocolatesiany you got this

autumn2203 · 05/11/2019 15:00

You can discuss with the police the offences you feel he should be charged with, and see if they will consider charging him now. It is worth a discussion at least. You have nothing to lose. I certainly would. They really should have charged him in the first place.

Either way you have ample evidence to support your case. The previous history with another of his victims will certainly add weight.

You have done unbelievably well already op. Really you have. Your son is very lucky to have you.

kateandme · 05/11/2019 15:08

Do u have written reports of every pyhsical and mental abuse
.

paap1975 · 05/11/2019 15:12

When you start to waver, just think of all the support you've got on this board. We may not be there with you in person, but you have all our support. You have been very brave. This is an important step to protect your child. You can do it!

TheMustressMhor · 05/11/2019 15:14

Got myself in to this bloody mess in the first place though

No.

He did, by being abusive.

So many of us have been through what you're going through.

It wasn't our fault either.

Why do I look at that evidence and still think it's ridiculous to call it abuse? I still feel like I am being stupid and he never actually abused me

That's because he's conditioned you to believe that what he did wasn't abuse.

Of course he abused you - and your child.

TheBouquets · 05/11/2019 15:15

Wishing you all the very best of luck with this court appearance.

LakieLady · 05/11/2019 15:25

Nothing to offer but a handhold, OP, and a bit of reassurance that because you are a litigant in person, the judge will be very patient and understanding.

If you have an IDVA, it may be worth talking it through with them.

It sounds as though you have a lot of evidence. The judge may want CAFCASS involved, but you have nothing to fear there.

MummyJasmin · 05/11/2019 15:31

He is denying all abuse and claiming that I have mental health problems and conditioned him in to believing he is abusive which is apparently why he admitted to being an abuser in texts

Oh that old chestnut(!)

He's not worthy of being a father.

They will see right through him! You are stronger than you think

DishingOutDone · 05/11/2019 15:35

Just posting this link in case it helps, also did you checkout Rights of Women as directed upthread?

www.dvassist.org.uk/contact

bibliomania · 05/11/2019 15:42

I've been a litigant in person, and I found it a surprisingly positive experience. It was actually very helpful for the judge to see my ex in action - he really managed to show himself up. In all honesty, you might be best off if your ex tries to throw his weight around and act aggressive in court - it lets the judge see what he's really like.

metoothree · 05/11/2019 15:48

You sound so amazingly strong, I have no doubt you can do it (if that helps coming from a stranger). Keep your son in the front of your mind, as I'm sure you do anyway, and you will be able to meet whatever that bastard throws at you with calm anger. You can and will get through it!

Lovemusic33 · 05/11/2019 15:52

OP you are doing great and your doing all you can to protect your DS, hopefully the courts will see what a lying c*&t he is, they have heard the excuses from many many men.

INeedNewShoes · 05/11/2019 15:59

You sound to me as though you do have some fight left OP. You have been incredibly brave and strong to get to this point.

Don't minimise everything that has happened. Of course it is abuse. Your brief descriptions here are enough to tell us that, and the court will have so much more information and evidence to go on. Try to have faith in them.

Accept support wherever it is available. Please don't be embarrassed about talking about what has happened in front of your friend. If you were my friend, I would want to be there for you.

Ferretyone · 05/11/2019 16:06

@ChocolateSiany

Somehow you have got to find the strength to go on with this. You can get someone to go with you and there are those who know a bit about court procedures called "McKenzie friends". The sad thing is that there is a bit of an industry in these and that many now charge fees.

It is important though to understand that they can help you prepare the case and get the documentation together in a way that will help. What they cannot do is to represent you as a solicitor or barrister would do.

Where you are a litigant-in-person the judge will be strict about what may be done by your opponent in cross examination. There is a truism "Cross examine - do not examine crossly!". You can research the subject on the internet but please be careful that you look at neutral sites [not those which have an axe to grind]

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/11/2019 16:07

I've a family member who accompanies witnesses to court to help them with the process, as not surprisingly, many people find the whole thing stressful, confusing and difficult.

Trying to remember the name of the organisation, now ...

Even if Advocate can only help for three, can't they come for those three days?

Failing that, do you have a trusted friend who can come with you?

Sending strength and best wishes.

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