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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have no fight left

97 replies

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 12:54

I left my abusive relationship earlier this year. I had written a number of posts about the abuse. He made me drive long distances with his daughter for school runs. He was physically, sexually, emotionally, financially and all round abusive. He neglected his son and cancelled his important health appointments. I finally plucked up the courage to leave (thank you MN) but am now facing court.

We own a house together and I am not eligible for legal aid as I own a house. He still lives in this house and will not sell. I can't push a sale quick enough to raise funds for court. I am in debt but legal aid don't care. There is only 18k in the house between the two of us.

I am facing a 3-5 day fact finding. I am going to be cross examined by my abuser. I know I'm going to fall apart and I am going to be on my own. I'm so scared.

Where the hell do I go from here? I'm losing my fight

OP posts:

Deepblueriver · 05/11/2019 16:13

I am in exactly the same situation as you. I can’t offer any support. It sounds like you have done loads to protect your baby and have got loads of evidence.

You are doing so well. I hope everything works out for you.

BanginChoons · 05/11/2019 16:21

OP have you tried an IDVA? It's an independence domestic abuse advocate, they can advise and support you and accompany you to court.

FenellaVelour · 05/11/2019 16:41

Where you are a litigant-in-person the judge will be strict about what may be done by your opponent in cross examination.

and really, if your ex is also a litigant in person, he should provide his questions to the judge who will put them to you, rather than question you directly.

autumnboys · 05/11/2019 16:53

Scrimshaw, is your friend a McKenzie Friend?

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/11/2019 17:08

autumnboys, I really can't remember. I'll email him and ask.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2019 18:21

I know it can be frightening, but remember that this is your time to speak your own truth.

He can't stop you, not in front of the judge.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/11/2019 18:30

ChocolateSiany can I ask if you're England or Scotland (or elsewhere)? My relative says it makes a big difference where you are, if England he can give information. PM me if you like.

Macake · 05/11/2019 18:37

I don’t have anything helpful to add but I want you to know I’m rooting for you, as is probably everyone else who has read this. You are so brave and you have got so far, keep at it! You have all the strength you need to get you through this, you got this x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/11/2019 19:01

I brought a sex discrimination case, so not the same thing at all and far less important. But a central part of my case was a misogynist new manager who bullied me.

When I started giving evidence about his conduct this stupid, stupid man tried to bully me all over again. In court. In front of the tribunal panel. Who didn't take it at all well.

The glee and triumph I felt as I watched him prove my case was something I will always treasure. Here's hoping that you will have the same experience when your Ex reveals his cruelty and dishonesty. Men like that find it very hard to conceal their true nature.

kateandme · 05/11/2019 20:05

just want to add that we are all here for you.before,after and during.there are some really good bloody people on here and i know they will help anyway we can
i know its small silly thing in compared to some of the really helpful advice but in terms of the actual day could you possibly take something special.a sock of your boy in your bag,wear some of his boxer shorts or t-shirt.something of his by your side to give you strength.or anything similar from someone.so you have that little booster to feel or wear by your side.

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 22:45

I'm so scared that he will get access and my son when he's older will fall for his charms and want to live with him 😥

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 22:46

Scrimshaw I am in England :)

OP posts:

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 05/11/2019 22:46

Thanks everyone for your amazing support x

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2019 23:44

"I'm so scared that he will get access and my son when he's older will fall for his charms...."

Don't worry about tomorrow today. Worrying about it won't change anything. Do what you can do today and wait and deal with the future when it happens. 'Today' you can tell your truth in court.

Regardless of what happens in court, just love your son and show him a good example. That's really all any of us can do for our children, whether we're lone parents or 'coupled' parents.

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 06/11/2019 08:40

I know. It's just so hard not to worry. It helps that I moved 200 miles away from him, but doesn't stop me worrying about how this is going to effect my son.

OP posts:

almondfinger · 06/11/2019 10:20

OP you will be bringing up your son and you have this time to instil in him respect, kindness, how to treat women, how to tell right from wrong. What is and is not acceptable. You can grown him into a fantastic human who is will his biological father for the animal that he is.

Good luck with everything. It must be harrowing. Keep just putting one foot in front of the other and you will eventually come out the other side.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/11/2019 10:31

Okay, I have emailed and will get back to you when he does, Chocolate.

I'm not surprised you are worried, it's not an easy thing to go through. Take it a day at a time, and be kind to yourself. As other posters have said, you're modelling amazing strength, courage, and loving to your son. That's the absolute best thing you can do.

Kids come and go from us in terms of connection, but you're making a strong foundation for him that will ground him even in times of rebellion and trouble.

All power to you, you are amazing. x

Rosebud21 · 06/11/2019 10:39

@ChocolateSiany you sound like a strong person and an amazing mum who has nothing to be embarrassed about, there is great advice here to help you to stay strong and calm on the day. Good luck

stophuggingme · 06/11/2019 13:13

Being scared doesn’t mean you are weak or your efforts so far are in vain.
Given what you’ve endured most people in your position would feel the same or be absolutely broken. But you are still standing. You just need to look at your child and that will keep you going. Trust me when I say you are already being so strong for him. This will be over soon and one way or another your life will go on.

Abusers are like dogs. They sense people’s fear. Turn your fear into a fire but a cold, icy one. Shut him down and freeze him out. He is nothing but a pathetic loser and you will win because you re freeing yourself of him.

See this hearing as another step away from him and learn to truly believe that that will ALWAYS mean your son has a happier brighter future: because you will.

I am thinking of you.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/11/2019 14:48

Chocolate, I've sent you a pm with some information.

Original poster

ChocolateSiany · 06/11/2019 20:07

Thank you so much scrimshaw. Just got home but will have a look tonight or tomorrow x

OP posts:

ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/11/2019 20:57

No rush! It may not be anything you don't already know, but if you have questions then I can relay them on. He seems to have a pretty good picture of the whole process. x

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