Not to massage his feet til my fucking hands fall off?

[TruthIsOutThere33]

Really annoyed this evening and would like to know who’s being a dick...me or DH. DH arrived home from work tonight at 11pm. He works ridiculously long hours as he’s in the middle of an enormous project which will end in two weeks. It has been going on for a little over a year and he’s understandably shattered every day due to working from 8am until 10pm most days, sometimes typing and conference calling away until 2am if he’s working from home. I see how hard he works and that is not the issue, as he loves his job, but I just wanted to give some context.

I usually wait up for him until 11ish despite having 3DCs and really needing the sleep, so we can spend a little time together.

Tonight he had his dinner, having only had time for a sandwich around 6, then we sat on the sofa to chat. He asks if I would massage his feet. Not a problem. We do this for each other sometimes.

The issue is, apparently I don’t press hard enough, I obviously just don’t have the strength in my hands. This probably sounds like a stupid issue and you’ll all think I’m batshit but I did the best I could and then stopped after a few minutes. He said I needed to press harder because he’s really aching. My hands hurt by now so I say no. We have a mini argument because he thinks I was just not trying. I was pressing with all the strength i had! Trouble is he likes extremely firm massages that really dig into him, whereas I’m the opposite and have to tell him not to press too hard when he massages me.

After the little tiff I refused to press his feet again; and went up to bed. He was calling me selfish and said that he will sometimes need this when he’s worked a zillion long days in a row. I’ve looked after 3 kids all day and cooked, cleaned, done laundry etc. What if I’m fucking tired when he needs (wants) a massage?? I told him to hire a masseuse to come to the house like a lot of people do nowadays and he said that won’t work as it’s something he “needs” me to do (and get better at apparently) when he’s home from work. Pretty sure we could time it so that the masseuse arrives when he does!

Anyway, sorry for the long rant, AIBU to not want to do it because he wants me to press so hard it causes me pain??? Or am I selfish like he says.

Before I get any of the usual responses:

Is he always a dick? No he is not usually a dick.

When does he see the kids!? He spends plenty of time with the kids at the weekend and briefly in the morning, as well as when working from home (which he does regularly) and also when he is able to come home early.

Thanks all.

I'd say I was brainwashed to believe that relationships where (pretend to) give but take. I also know that I don't have to set rules to get my husband to do basic husband and dad stuff so I'm okay with whatever is really going on supposing it is some sort of cult like trance he has me under.

@ChilledBee do you sound like a Stepford Wife:yes

Perfection is the enemy of the good

Ignoring the AIBU (he was, but he’s apologised and assuming you’re happy with that issue dealt with for now) here’s some practical help...try a ‘knobbler’ I work with a rugby club and sometimes the pressure required is more than I can safely generate without risking injuring myself...tools like this will allow you to increase the pressure without hurting your hands, we use them with a massage way which is a little thicker than most lotions but whatever you have to hand should work fine.

www.ebay.co.uk/p/Trigger-Point-Reflexology-Body-Massager-4-Ways-Knobble-It-Massage-Tool-by-66fit/2254347169?iid=361911679317&chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=710-134428-41853-0&mkcid=2&itemid=361911679317&targetid=594652342280&device=m&mktype=pla&googleloc=1006786&poi=&campaignid=6466403952&mkgroupid=75740387205&rlsatarget=pla-594652342280&abcId=1140486&merchantid=7289754&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1qnl59vT5QIVia3tCh06NQmqEAQYBSABEgJf4vD_BwE

Even though he’s apologised I don’t like the fact it seems like an obligation on you. It’s not up to you to massage his feet (however hard he works), if he’s that desperate he could book into a salon.

@AnyFucker

The husbands of stepford wives don't cook dinners or clean toilets or ensure their working hours mean they can be home to parent their kids so their spouse can sit on MN and watch Eastenders.

Yep: still sounding lobotomised.

I'd rather sound like that then be grossed out by my hubby or think it is stupid to spend energy and time enhancing our intimacy. Just sounds like a lot of people have disgusting, unhygienic slobs as husbands and that's why they are so repulsed by touching them or going out of their way to do anything nice.

Such a shame that women have been so convinced that they have to be cold, frigid and mean to have any self worth. But I guess if you have a partner who doesn't give a shit about you and does nothing but earn money to contribute to family life like a lot of women on here, it will leave you soulless after a while. And then they get pissed off with your exhaustion and bitterness and leave you for someone more pleasant.

Such a shame that women have been so convinced that they have to be cold, frigid and mean to have any self worth. And then they get pissed off with your exhaustion and bitterness and leave you for someone more pleasant.

How misogynistic. You really hate women don't you.

Glad he apologised and sounds like he meant it too. I could never touch someone else's feet. You are very kind to your husband.

Next time tell him to see a reflexologist OP

I think you mean someone more compliant

I pay ds10 5e to massage my feet. He has lovely chubby fingers and tells me I'm getting a good deal as ot would cost me 50e an hour if he didn't do it.

I hate feet so rubbing someone's else's feet would give mean the heaves. 🤢

But he is being an idiot.

If you are ever going to give him a massage again, ask him to soak his feet in warm water before you start and use plenty of moisturiser or olive oil when massaging.

I'm a reflexologist, you ruin your fingers pressing that hard, use your knockles, but it is not good applying too much pressure.

If he behaves like a cow, I can supply you with some pressure points, which hurt like hell 😈 😁.

I hate feet too, especially male feet.

Massaging feet is just not something I do, for anyone!

Uh huh, ChilledBee the handmaiden is at it again. Best ignored.

OP, tell him to get stuffed. You're not his fucking slave.

Oh btw, ChilledBee is (if I remember correctly) someone who believes that women perv on women in toilets (and have period/piss fetishes). So yeah, I'd ignore her advice on pretty much anything to do with relationships.

Wow... I didn’t see this thread taking the turn it has!

@ChilledBee I’m sorry you seem to be getting some judgment / criticism for what was a very helpful few posts. FWIW your marriage sounds healthy and there is IMO everything right with and nothing at all wrong with doing things for each other to enhance intimacy, show you care etc. It’s called compromise and is a basic tenet of any successful relationship. I’m not sure why some people don’t see that.

I also don’t get grossed out by my husband’s feet after he’s had a long day at work. I don’t mind massaging them at all... people touch far more unhygienic parts of their partners

As long as it’s mutual, I think it’s fine. I’m obviously not some sort of body slave because he massages me too, whenever I ask and sometimes when I just look tired, he’ll take my feet and give me a lovely foot rub while we chat on the sofa. It certainly isn’t a one way street.

I think a lot of analogies can be used here, but ultimately everyone in a loving, caring relationship does things occasionally they perhaps might not do if it wasn’t for the fact that it makes their partner happy.

So much helpful advice here about the massaging itself! Thank you all for the suggestions and the links you’ve posted, which I’ve sent to him. He’ll be making some purchases now and hopefully will be saving my poor thumbs from aching again.

Oh and if he speaks to me in that way again, I’ll be sure to get out the rolling pin

@TruthIsOutThere33

Don't worry. I'm certainly not ashamed about having a loving marriage. I find it sad that women have been made to believe that doing nice things for your husband is weak and you'll never get it in return. But if you read other threads on here, you'll see a lot of them have really awful husbands who refuse to contribute to childcare or housework and with whom they share very little intimacy.

That's what leads to the cascade of having to police their friendships, warrant curfews, discipline, reward and punish etc.

Here, though, in addition to covering the parenting and domestics to facilitate his (unhealthy) working hours you are choosing to cut your sleep (a basic need) to spend time with him at 11pm, and literally massage his feet!

It’s taking “facilitated man” to another level.

Standing and rolling on a golf ball is excellent for sore feet.

A clip round the ear with a 5 iron is also good for demanding husbands

He should rub your feet.

He was calling me selfish and said that he will sometimes need this when he’s worked a zillion long days in a row.

Oh FFS tell him to get over himself.
He's not working any harder or longer hours than you do.
However he IS receiving money, career progression, pension entitlements & kudos for his hours, whereas you ...

You have also worked a zillion long days in a row.
Does that entitle you to demand your husband causes himself pain because you "need" a massage, or whatever, from him? And that he is selfish for not wanting to feel pain giving you something you claim to "need"?

No of course not. He is a selfish, entitled twat who is putting his own desire to have you at his beck & call above that fact of the pain it causes you.
He's unwilling to discuss the sensible option of a professional masseur, because that interferes with his narrative of having his wife at his service.
Tell him to stuff his Sheik of the Harem act & rub his own stinking feet.