Not to massage his feet til my fucking hands fall off?

[TruthIsOutThere33]

Really annoyed this evening and would like to know who’s being a dick...me or DH. DH arrived home from work tonight at 11pm. He works ridiculously long hours as he’s in the middle of an enormous project which will end in two weeks. It has been going on for a little over a year and he’s understandably shattered every day due to working from 8am until 10pm most days, sometimes typing and conference calling away until 2am if he’s working from home. I see how hard he works and that is not the issue, as he loves his job, but I just wanted to give some context.

I usually wait up for him until 11ish despite having 3DCs and really needing the sleep, so we can spend a little time together.

Tonight he had his dinner, having only had time for a sandwich around 6, then we sat on the sofa to chat. He asks if I would massage his feet. Not a problem. We do this for each other sometimes.

The issue is, apparently I don’t press hard enough, I obviously just don’t have the strength in my hands. This probably sounds like a stupid issue and you’ll all think I’m batshit but I did the best I could and then stopped after a few minutes. He said I needed to press harder because he’s really aching. My hands hurt by now so I say no. We have a mini argument because he thinks I was just not trying. I was pressing with all the strength i had! Trouble is he likes extremely firm massages that really dig into him, whereas I’m the opposite and have to tell him not to press too hard when he massages me.

After the little tiff I refused to press his feet again; and went up to bed. He was calling me selfish and said that he will sometimes need this when he’s worked a zillion long days in a row. I’ve looked after 3 kids all day and cooked, cleaned, done laundry etc. What if I’m fucking tired when he needs (wants) a massage?? I told him to hire a masseuse to come to the house like a lot of people do nowadays and he said that won’t work as it’s something he “needs” me to do (and get better at apparently) when he’s home from work. Pretty sure we could time it so that the masseuse arrives when he does!

Anyway, sorry for the long rant, AIBU to not want to do it because he wants me to press so hard it causes me pain??? Or am I selfish like he says.

Before I get any of the usual responses:

Is he always a dick? No he is not usually a dick.

When does he see the kids!? He spends plenty of time with the kids at the weekend and briefly in the morning, as well as when working from home (which he does regularly) and also when he is able to come home early.

Thanks all.

@chilledbee is very defensive of her irrelevant relationship status that no one asked about.

Yes it is completely irrelevant to the OP that I don't think it is wholly unreasonable for him to expect a decent massage off of his wife (or vice versa).

ChilledBee

Yes it is completely irrelevant to the OP that I don't think it is wholly unreasonable for him to expect a decent massage off of his wife (or vice versa).

Even if it is something that she is too tired to do and would prefer not to?

Are you Michelle Duggar?

Chilled bee it’s not that he asked for a massage it that she gave it and it wasn’t good enough for him and that she needs to get better at it. That as well it was hurting her but she should continue and make her pain worse. That’s the bit you don’t seem to get.
OP this whole thing I think has skewed the balance in your relationship where his job he loves is seen as been better and harder than your contribution

My vows in no way covered the touching of those things....
...

he said that won’t work as it’s something he “needs” me to do (and get better at apparently) when he’s home from work.

And does he "need" you to wear a sexy nurse outfit whilst you do that too?

Thank you all for your replies. What a relief to see that I wasn’t being the selfish shit wife he made me out to be last night!

To answer some of your questions:

Nope we haven’t time traveled back into the fifties, nor do I wear a ribbon in my hair! (I loved that one!!)

He isn’t on MN but after reading some of these brilliant replies I’m considering making him aware of it

He does earn enough to justify the hours - and I’m grateful for everything he does. His job doesn’t sound easy and he knows what I do isn’t either. He is usually very grateful for everything I do as well.

I don’t work outside the home at the moment. The division of housework works just fine for us and I don’t feel the need to really change things because he doesn’t usually behave like an entitled twat. He is pretty chilled if I haven’t cooked anything for example, haven’t done the laundry, or if kids aren’t in bed when he gets home etc, so no it definitely doesn’t feel like a fifties household! I could basically look after the children all day (one goes to school) and do no housework and it wouldn’t cause an issue because he’s usually normal about things like that and acknowledges when I’m tired and helps out.

The hours he works aren’t usual - it is just this one project he’s been working on which is probably taking a toll on him now, and the hours have only really been ridiculously long as the deadline approaches. It’s coming to an end soon and he will be back to working near enough 9-5ish again. Can’t wait.

I don’t mind massaging his feet or back when he asks me to. I know that it can really help when you ache from a long day or week. It was just his attitude that stank. Not his feet!

This was just uncharacteristically entitled and shit of him! Think I’ll suggest he gets the massager so thanks for suggesting that, and I’ll be asking for a nice long back rub more often!

Next time, grab a bouncy ball or tumble dryer ball or similar (small, round and hard) and tell him to crack on.
Honestly, as someone who was on my feet for 18+ hours per day, rolling a ball across my foot was amazing.

Who are the 6% of people who think you should cause yourself pain!

Buy him one of those foot things Ian Botham advertises and tell him to jog on. He's not an 'incredible important man with an incredibly important job' he's an arse.

I'm not sure i've ever massaged my dh's feet

Ugh, I don't massage trotters.

Send him for a treatment

Who are the 6% of people who think you should cause yourself pain!

@ChilledBee and @TartanMarbled for a start.

Fortunately, most other folks seem sane.

I’d buy that Amazon massager for him all right. And then suggest he performs an anatomical impossibility with it.

I'm another one saying go to bed and get your sleep. (It does remind me of my 50s/60s childhood when we (Mum and siblings) had to take Dad's shoes off when he came in from work).

Even if it is something that she is too tired to do and would prefer not to?

In my relationship, we give and we take. I give massages when I'd prefer to do something else as much as hubby does for me.

it that she gave it and it wasn’t good enough for him and that she needs to get better at it. That as well it was hurting her but she should continue and make her pain worse. That’s the bit you don’t seem to get.

I do get it and that's why I suggested massagesloth on YouTube. He's great at teaching "lazy massage" that protects your hands. Me and hubby watch a lot of videos and copy. Another is HMmassage.

'Me and hubby watch a lot of videos and copy.'

Perhaps tuning into to 'Massagesloth' with 'hubby' isn't on the radar for Op.

Personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

Sorry does anyone remember that wifeswap - when as soon as the husband came home the wife waited on her him hand and foot dressed in a kimono and the son had to go upstairs
Just popped in my head

Yes OMG

Was hoping I'd dreamt that

DH has arthritis in his feet and suffers in silence about it. He has joust bought himself this gadget and installed it in the conservatory so nobody has to listen to the bedroom noises he makes when using it!

I'd get him one for Christmas, OP. He sounds insatiable and unreasonably critical of you doing your best. Women's hands are just not as strong as men's. I read a study that showed that a fit, healthy 20-something woman's grip was a match for a man of 70 - 80 years. You can't do what he wants because you're not a man, not because you aren't trained or aren't trying hard enough!

Same reason he can't conceive, grow and give birth to a baby. Different equipment.

*Yes so sad that me and hubby spend time researching how to improve at massages and then give each other wonderful 2 hour long full body massages. Fucking awful that! Sounds like we hate each other!

And besides, my husband has a pedi every 6 weeks and has feet like a baby's bum.*

Please @ChilledBee no more details I'm begging you 🤮🤮🤮

Perhaps tuning into to 'Massagesloth' with 'hubby' confusedisn't on the radar for Op.

Personally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

Oh, don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. Massagesloth is utterly brilliant for sending me off to the land of nod when I’m in the grip of insomnia of a 3am.

I feel confident Massagesloth wouldn’t approve of OP’s husband though. He’d also think ChilledBee needs to have some spinal work done.

@ChilledBee thanks for your responses. I agree that there’s give and take in every relationship and that even the most normal couples do things they might not want to do just to give their partner some comfort.

I will look up the lazy massage stuff, because I wouldn’t rule out doing it again, and want him to feel relief from it, not feel that I’m applying a pathetic amount of pressure!

It’s the same as me asking for a foot massage or back rub and him telling me he’s too tired. I’d be disappointed and wondering why he can’t suck it up because I’m also tired or pregnant or aching for example. To be fair to him he’s always done it when asked and sometimes when not asked too.

As I said before, this was more about the entitled attitude rather than the foot massage itself! Appreciate all the replies

I get tired doing my DW feet as she likes it long and hard..

We bought an electric foot massager which heats up and rotates little balls on footpads. She can happily sit with a cup of tea and her feet on that for 20 minutes, and push down as hard as she feels comfortable with.

Alternatively you can get simple plastic/wooden bars with bobbles on that you can stand on if you want real pressure

@truthisoutthere

The way you described your marriage in latter posts sounds a lot like mine. Working to your strengths and helping each other out. Because we (me and hubby) have that default setting, I don't feel defensive or taking advantage of or weak by doing something like researching massage techniques that enhances our intimacy.

Many people complain that their husbands' are clueless about being physically intimate without being sexually intimate. Perhaps some of the reason hubby can give me a massage or a cuddle without groping me like a horny dog is because we do things like learn massage and help each other out where we can so neither are too exhausted or touched out for anything physical with each other.

As you can see, the idea that my husband has pedicures or that we give each other massages makes some people feel sick. I find that really sad. It's a cold world.

Chilledbee you really don’t see the point do you. Giving each other massages is lovely and fine and increases intimacy
Telling your wife she needs to do it (even when it is hurting her) and get better at it is the exact opposite

Yuk yucky yuck yuck I cannot stand feet especially male hooves so I congratulate you for being able to even touch his OP but he needs to buy a foot massager and not treat you like something out of the Handmaid's Tale, press harder blah blah would have me diving out of the door FFS all the poor me I've been working stuff would be a real put off to me. Tell the poor wee soul to stick his tootsies in a bowl to soak until his foot massager arrives