Not to massage his feet til my fucking hands fall off?

[TruthIsOutThere33]

Really annoyed this evening and would like to know who’s being a dick...me or DH. DH arrived home from work tonight at 11pm. He works ridiculously long hours as he’s in the middle of an enormous project which will end in two weeks. It has been going on for a little over a year and he’s understandably shattered every day due to working from 8am until 10pm most days, sometimes typing and conference calling away until 2am if he’s working from home. I see how hard he works and that is not the issue, as he loves his job, but I just wanted to give some context.

I usually wait up for him until 11ish despite having 3DCs and really needing the sleep, so we can spend a little time together.

Tonight he had his dinner, having only had time for a sandwich around 6, then we sat on the sofa to chat. He asks if I would massage his feet. Not a problem. We do this for each other sometimes.

The issue is, apparently I don’t press hard enough, I obviously just don’t have the strength in my hands. This probably sounds like a stupid issue and you’ll all think I’m batshit but I did the best I could and then stopped after a few minutes. He said I needed to press harder because he’s really aching. My hands hurt by now so I say no. We have a mini argument because he thinks I was just not trying. I was pressing with all the strength i had! Trouble is he likes extremely firm massages that really dig into him, whereas I’m the opposite and have to tell him not to press too hard when he massages me.

After the little tiff I refused to press his feet again; and went up to bed. He was calling me selfish and said that he will sometimes need this when he’s worked a zillion long days in a row. I’ve looked after 3 kids all day and cooked, cleaned, done laundry etc. What if I’m fucking tired when he needs (wants) a massage?? I told him to hire a masseuse to come to the house like a lot of people do nowadays and he said that won’t work as it’s something he “needs” me to do (and get better at apparently) when he’s home from work. Pretty sure we could time it so that the masseuse arrives when he does!

Anyway, sorry for the long rant, AIBU to not want to do it because he wants me to press so hard it causes me pain??? Or am I selfish like he says.

Before I get any of the usual responses:

Is he always a dick? No he is not usually a dick.

When does he see the kids!? He spends plenty of time with the kids at the weekend and briefly in the morning, as well as when working from home (which he does regularly) and also when he is able to come home early.

Thanks all.

Telling your wife she needs to do it (even when it is hurting her) and get better at it is the exact opposite

You see when your marriage isn't focused on bitterness and resentment, you see moments of sniping a bit differently. I basically see this as he likes deep tissue massage but it is hard to do it for long without hurting your hands unless you use some tricks and improve your technique a bit. Did he express himself in a bit of a bratty way? Perhaps, but nobody is perfect. Moving forward, OP could learn some tips that make it a bit easier on her and gives him some relief that he is after. She has already said that he often gives her massages so it isnt a one way thing.

I don't think it is productive to respond to his bratty behaviour with an equally inflammatory come back but I like to have a peaceful, loving marriage. YMMV.

So he wants you to be in pains to lessen his pain? No. He needs to find another way, that doesnt involve basically transferring his pain to you!

When you get a foot massage in the far east they use a weird wooden object to really push into the foot, it might be worth trying that? It's like a small rolling pin. End of a wooden lemon / lime squeezer or rolling pin would do. Might be worth a try. Or soaking in hot water

this --> Never mind the fifties, are you posting from Ancient Rome?

Unless there's a drip-feed that he has a chronic foot condition and no arms/hands, YADNBU!

@ChilledBee you do NOT give 2 hour long body massages. Professional masseurs can’t manage that let alone plebs.

Give over and stop lying, it’s tedious now.

Update: he’s apologised this morning for being such a knob.

He’s hoping I don’t take away his massaging privileges - and he acknowledges that’s what it is! A mutual privilege and not an expectation that he gets to behave entitled and bratty about.

I’m going to try some of the techniques I’ve read about here, like using elbows, an object etc, when my hands hurt!

Ultimately I do think it’s nice to do these things for each other and as long as his attitude reflects gratitude and not entitlement, and he respects that I’ll stop when I can’t go on anymore, I don’t see any harm in the occasional foot rub.

@ChilledBee “
I do think I have a responsibility to keep my husband sexually interested and content (as he does me) IF I want him to stay my husband so your example makes little sense to me. ”

Wow are you honestly saying if a woman is in pain doing a specific sexual act that she needs to get on with it to please her husband? I find certain sexual positions painful and I don’t do them. I don’t think I should have to get on with the pain to please my husband - luckily my husband doesn’t think that either as he loves me and doesn’t want me to be in pain for his gratification or to ‘keep him content’.

Your attitude is messed up. I value myself enough that if something is painful for me I put myself first.

you do NOT give 2 hour long body massages. Professional masseurs can’t manage that let alone plebs.

D'okay!

For people interested, lots of MTs on Urban Massage also offer 2 hour treatments as well as it being a regular offer at Thai massage places. For us amateurs, it is easier to manage if you spend more time on places like the feet and hands or the head. But we've had lots of practice and wont do 2 hours very often.

Wow are you honestly saying if a woman is in pain doing a specific sexual act that she needs to get on with it to please her husband?

No as you correctly quoted, I said I do think I have a responsibility to keep my husband sexually content if I want him to remain my husband.

I find certain sexual positions painful and I don’t do them. I don’t think I should have to get on with the pain to please my husband - luckily my husband doesn’t think that either as he loves me and doesn’t want me to be in pain for his gratification or to ‘keep him content’.

If it was something he really liked, I might look at ways that I can facilitate it without unbearable pain. Lube always helps. My husband is unlikely to declare sexual discontentment over one sex act because he's more creative than that. However, sexual contentment is a must for him. It's become a must for me too. So if all sex was painful for him (or me), then it probably would lead to the breakdown of our marriage because regardless of the lack of blame or fault to be distributed, it would reduce the quality of our relationship. I have no qualms admitting that. It is probably why I value acts which sustain our intimacy so much throughout these child rearing years.

Buy him a foot massager. Stop waiting up for him. As soon as you're done putting the kids to bed, get your comfy jammies on, put your feet up, get into bed with some wine/tea/chocolate/whatever and have your well earned rest! He can massage his own smelly feet

but he obviously does still expect it OP. His 'apology' is only so he doesn't do himself out of any future efforts. As if this is your problem to solve by the end result being that you do indeed work out how you can get better at it.

I wouldn't be interested in my DP speaking to me as though I'm a body slave or informing me I exist to do these things sometimes by virtue of having set up house with him. He's not a dependant, he can get a foot massager online, see a physiotherapist or visit a masseuse. Do you think he'd speak to the physio or masseuse how he did you OP, even if he was in pain and they weren't doing it the way he 'needs'- very doubtful.

WTF? Did I just time jump into the fifties?

This ^ Is he not mortified that he came out with such a cringfest?

Does he do similar for you?

Are you prioritising your own health and wellbeing? Doesn’t sound like it, eg losing out on sleep in order to see your H.

His working hours sound unhealthy - eg they are causing him physical pain. He is making choices that impact on other aspects of his life. Enabling and pandering to him isn’t going to help him address the core issues.

However, sexual contentment is a must for him. It's become a must for me too.

I cant work out what to think about this. I cant work out if you have the lovely happy marriage you portray or whether at some point his needs have become your needs (and yours put to one side) and you give 2 hour massages

The way you go on about it gives more credence to it actually being the latter!

@ChilledBee wow I really hope that neither of you suffers a life changing illness that prevents you from an active sex life as it seems your relationship won’t survive. How sad for you.

Glad he apologised.

FWIW I like really firm massage and nobody apart from a big hunky man would give me the pressure I liked on my feet - tell him to try what I do, get a squash ball, a spiky massage ball and a tennis ball, and see which one rolling his foot on against a hard floor he likes best. Cost him around a tenner for all three instead of 150 for that massage machine.

He asks for a firm massage again, I'd pull the fucking rolling pin out.

Highly recommend Yoga with Adrienne’s episode on feet!

I have an electrical back/shoulder massager for £20 from Amazon, recommended on MN. Love it! Wouldn’t work on feet though.

Good tips on MN also on footwear for foot pain.

I cant work out what to think about this.

People are often confused by a marriage where there isn't a silent ongoing war.

I cant work out if you have the lovely happy marriage you portray or whether at some point his needs have become your needs (and yours put to one side) and you give 2 hour massages

What I meant in terms of sex specifically is that I didnt used to enjoy sex very much and now I do, it has become something that is important to me. Before I could envisage a sexless marriage and not recoil because it was something I did for other people rather than myself. That's very different though.

Generally speaking about his needs becoming my needs, that's not entirely incorrect. His needs are interlinked with my needs and vice versa. So when we acknowledged serious discord in our sex life, part of it was me acknowledging he couldn't be happy with me unless our sex life was more fulfilling for him and therefore that would have to change. There were things on both sides that required the same amount of effort/adjustment. Sex was just the thing that required my effort to change my outlook/actions.

The way you go on about it gives more credence to it actually being the latter!

Everything in our marriage is 2 way because we both equally want to be in it so we make the required effort to make sure the other person stays. It isn't rocket science. Just takes trust to give without worrying you won't ever receive and that's what missing in a lot of relationships. That trust that even if you give twice before you get anything back, you'll get what you gave and likely more later on. I wrongly assume that everyone has that in their relationship. This place has certainly opened my eyes. Either people I know tend to have it or they lie very well.

wow I really hope that neither of you suffers a life changing illness that prevents you from an active sex life as it seems your relationship won’t survive. How sad for you.

Maybe not but approx 50% of marriages don't survive anyway. It breaks down about the same when you look at marriages which survive traumatic events like illness,death of a child etc. That's why every day we still choose to be together is a special day and even if we choose not to be together one day, we will still have special days. Life goes on.

@ChilledBee are you the same poster who had to fight to keep her hubby and go to counselling?

Am I the same poster who was going to amicably split with my hubby after we made the stupid decision not to live together until after marriage and thought it would be cool as we spent years living apart as gf/bf but spending loads of time together? Yes.

Did we then realise that it was completely different and have crisis talks 3 months after marriage in which we decided to give therapy a shot and it effectively saved our marriage by both proving why we worked well together and showing us how we could do even better? Yes.

Do we now have a great marriage where we share goals,responsibilities and rewards? Yes.

Did he express himself in a bit of a bratty way? Perhaps, but nobody is perfect.

Perhaps? There's no "perhaps" about it. He told OP she was selfish, and that she has to do it, despite it hurting her, because he "needs" it. Which is total bollocks.

Get him to take some responsibility for his feet:-

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Best-Spiky-Massage-Roller-Ball/dp/B01C4CQQ2C/ref=mpsa15?dchild=1&keywords=spiky+massage+balls+deep+tissue&qid=1572969555&sprefix=spiky+massage+balls&sr=8-5

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Simple-Steps-Foot-Pain-Relief/dp/1942952821/ref=ascdf1942952821_nodl/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310834580283&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9930809688121695263&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007104&hvtargid=pla-503996890007&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

@ChilledBeee People are often confused by a marriage where there isn't a silent ongoing war.

Actually, I agree with that poster. You sound like you've been brainwashed to believe that your husband's happiness overrides your own. But there's no silent ongoing war here, no bitterness. I'm very happy with my husband, and he me. Our relationship is one of love, kindness, and respect.

It sounds like the lady doth protest too much.