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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work issue making me angry

84 replies

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:18

For context, I work for a very large multi national company in an office based professional role.

There is a lot of craic n banter that goes on, it can be good fun, although obviously work is always and without fail the main priority. The level of bad language is extremelyy high, which I dislike, but tolerate (for context, i'm in my 50s and most others are in their 20s or 30s).

One fella and I have good craic. But last week he has taken to saying "you're a c**t" repeatedly to me......."I know you hate it, so I'm going to keep saying it". Whilst I know he's only joking I have asked him to stop as I really hate it and find it rude and a bit upsetting.

I walked into work this morning and by way of greeting I got "good morning c**t". I raised my voice and told him in no uncertain terms to stop it....I really hate it and he needs to stop doing it.

He did it once again later in the day, which I ignored.

I am absolutely fed up with it.....feel like banging my head against a wall. If it continues I want to go to my manager and ask him to have a very quiet word....no dramas....no complaints. But just to say to colleague... "I've overheard care Bear asking you not to call her a "c**t"...so can you please stop as it upsets her."

I do not want to rock the boat or cause Ill feeling and I don't want this colleague to find out Ive grassed him up....Am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 04/11/2019 21:21

Well, you know YANBU.

Get him telt.

Sounds like a bear pit where you work.

Drum2018 · 04/11/2019 21:23

That is totally unacceptable. Have a word with management about the overall use of foul language in the office. Ask them to email everyone to tone it down.

ferntwist · 04/11/2019 21:24

Wow. He’s so far out of line. You should definitely complain to management.

happytoday73 · 04/11/2019 21:24

I'm younger than you and would not put up with that word being used to/at me. I'd complain to HR.
You've told him to stop, he isn't... Its not funny.. Its bullying

Butchyrestingface · 04/11/2019 21:24

You don’t live in Australia, do you, OP?

Original poster

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:28

No I don't live in Australia.....I'm in the UK.

I have never worked anywhere where the language is so bad. We used to have a senior manager who kept a lid on the bad language, but that is no longer the case.

I definitely don't want to go to HR. I'm a chicken lol

OP posts:

Riojasmoothy · 04/11/2019 21:28

Sounds like a horrible working environment and what a disrespectful arsehole of a colleague.
Who on earth thinks this is acceptable or amusing?
This would never happen in my workplace but I would imagine it to be gross misconduct.
No way on earth should this be tolerated. Speak to your manager tomorrow and keep a log of this abuse, sounds like you might need it later.
Also shocked at the 7% who think you are BU.

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2019 21:30

No way I'd put up with that,

Pull him aside and tell him you're serious and if it happens again you're going to hr, that you like him and enjoy the banter but this is offensive and it stops immediately.

Original poster

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:31

It just seems to be our work culture that bad language is absolutely fine as long as you don't do it in front of clients.

OP posts:

Thehop · 04/11/2019 21:34

Please don’t hesitate to mention this to your manager. He’s a bullying idiot.

Jollitwiglet · 04/11/2019 21:35

I have no problem with bad language or the word cunt, but I would not tolerate someone calling me a cunt at work. There's a big difference between muttering something along the lines of 'for fuck sake' if you make a mistake, and deliberately and repeatedly calling a colleague a cunt

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/11/2019 21:35

YANBU. I hate that word!

Original poster

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:38

It definitely isn't bullying. He just thinks it's banter and that he's being funny. That is why I don't want to go down HR route as he's not actually a nasty guy.....he just has v v different boundaries to myself.

I have never used the "c**t" word in my life and cannot imagine I ever would.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/11/2019 21:39

He's crossed a line and is being deliberately offensive towards you

ControversialFerret · 04/11/2019 21:39

I use 'cunt' quite freely but there's a time and a place, and I'm aware that lots of people find it incredibly offensive. He's being completely inappropriate.

You need to stand up to him directly. Tomorrow, when he says it, walk right up to him, look him straight in the eye and say very firmly "I have told you before not to call me that. Do it again and I will complain to HR and if you think I'm bluffing then just try me. Do not call me that."

If he does it again, then straight to HR.

FlamingoQueen · 04/11/2019 21:40

That is awful. No one should have to put up with language like that anywhere. It’s not normal behaviour.

PhDone · 04/11/2019 21:41

I used to have this at my old work (research lab in a University, very male-dominated subject), I really hated it too, but never actually said anything. tbh I kind of wish I had, if it happened again I think I would.

ControversialFerret · 04/11/2019 21:42

And stop tiptoeing around him. You don't want to upset him but he gives zero fucks about your feelings. He's taking the piss with your boundaries because he knows he can - which is why you need to draw the line in the sand and make it clear that your boundaries are not up for debate.

Elieza · 04/11/2019 21:44

Yup, I’d get him told too. Swearing can be considered gross misconduct, which can mean instant dismissal as far as I know. But anyone feel free to correct me I’ve ive misunderstood, I’m no lawyer!
I don’t think your manager would sack the guy right enough so I’d be speaking to guy away from the team quietly tomorrow, and then the boss if the guy used that word again after you’d had a quiet word.

Original poster

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:45

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

Yes....you would think that by this age I would have learnt to stand up for myself better!!!

OP posts:

Skippii · 04/11/2019 21:45

I worked with a guy like this. I basically told him that if he crossed the line I would be going to HR. Also that I decided where the line was, not him, and we could be friends or not, and his actions would cause the outcome. Asked how he would feel if it was his mum/sister.

Ended up solid colleagues, and he was a much nicer man after that and ended up finding a lovely woman who is now his wife.

Expressedways · 04/11/2019 21:46

I’ve worked in places where bad language is normal (trading floors) but I’ve never once heard it directed towards a person like that. I am so rarely shocked but this one has me. I would definitely complain to management.

Cloverbeauty · 04/11/2019 21:47

Sounds like the mentality of the place I used to work in. If its a similar place, chances are the managers won't handle it well as they are idiots.

ControversialFerret · 04/11/2019 21:50

Seriously - stand up to him. He'll respect you for it.

Original poster

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:51

If he does it again tomorrow I will speak to my manager and ask him to have a quiet word with colleague, and I will make it clear to manager it is definitely not a complaint.... That I just want the behaviour to stop

OP posts:

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