Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work issue making me angry

84 replies

CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 21:18

For context, I work for a very large multi national company in an office based professional role.

There is a lot of craic n banter that goes on, it can be good fun, although obviously work is always and without fail the main priority. The level of bad language is extremelyy high, which I dislike, but tolerate (for context, i'm in my 50s and most others are in their 20s or 30s).

One fella and I have good craic. But last week he has taken to saying "you're a c**t" repeatedly to me......."I know you hate it, so I'm going to keep saying it". Whilst I know he's only joking I have asked him to stop as I really hate it and find it rude and a bit upsetting.

I walked into work this morning and by way of greeting I got "good morning c**t". I raised my voice and told him in no uncertain terms to stop it....I really hate it and he needs to stop doing it.

He did it once again later in the day, which I ignored.

I am absolutely fed up with it.....feel like banging my head against a wall. If it continues I want to go to my manager and ask him to have a very quiet word....no dramas....no complaints. But just to say to colleague... "I've overheard care Bear asking you not to call her a "c**t"...so can you please stop as it upsets her."

I do not want to rock the boat or cause Ill feeling and I don't want this colleague to find out Ive grassed him up....Am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Itsreallymehonest · 04/11/2019 22:36

I hate the word, and it's one of those names that a man should certainly never call a woman. I have worked with men all my life in some of the swearyist and sexist of environments and the c-bomb has never, ever been directed towards women. Report.

Original poster
CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 22:38

@IFancyLivingInFrance

What was her first name? Sounds v much like another person I work with, who is very much of the Ilk.....oh you just can't take a joke.... She is a manipulative bully in fact!

OP posts:
PucaIontach · 04/11/2019 22:38

Wow, He is trying to get a reaction out of you.

Sigh and tell him I hope you're not this boring in bed.

worriedmumtoteen · 04/11/2019 22:40

My goodness, stand up for yourself! It should be a complaint. I wouldn’t put up with anyone calling me a cunt. What the hell?

Your company needs to sort itself out and tighten up some boundaries. Sounds like a horrible place to work.

PucaIontach · 04/11/2019 22:40

Yes yes to banter being funny and lighthearted, banter is not exactly the same boring term directed at one person by one other person ad nauseum.

ClientListQueen · 04/11/2019 22:43

Not on at all. I called my manager a dick today (in a joking way after he was piss taking) and that's the kind of level we have but if I called him that... Jesus Blush

SusieOwl4 · 04/11/2019 22:51

This kind of offensive behaviour is even covered in our staff handbooks . So I would give him one warning that if he does not stop you will escalate the matter. Perhaps even email him so you have evidence ?

BeanTownNancy · 04/11/2019 22:51

I would be completely honest with him. The next time he says it look him straight in the eye and say "I'm sure you think you're being funny and that this is friendly banter, but it is making me very uncomfortable. If you want us to have a good working relationship please stop or I will be forced to report this bullying. Stop calling me that." then report to the manager if he does it even one more time.

@IFancyLivingInFrance - there's a vile woman at my work too, shouting and swearing constantly, but the worst thing was during a conversation once she (loudly) used the phrase "spacker bus". Could have punched her.

NWQM · 04/11/2019 22:52

You absolutely should not put up with this but neither can you just moan to your manager. Your manager can not wipe out their magic wand and sort it. You can say that you are hoping for an informal resolution that means he stops after manager has spoken to him.

Personally I'd start by emailing your coworker and saying that you really do find the use of that particular swear word offensive particularly when it is used to describe a person. I'd be saying that I understand everyone swears in the office but he needs to understand the difference between using swear words in language and swearing at someone. As already pointed out you object to being called name. Ask him to stop.

Make sure the email is very, very business like. At this stage I wouldn't mention HR etc. I would hope that by the very fact you have put something in writing would jolt him into thinking twice.

ToPlanZ · 04/11/2019 22:52

It's about context. You've asked him to desist and he hasn't despite knowing it upsets and offends you and therefore it has strayed into bullying territory.

I work with all men and there is a lot of this kind of 'banter'. I was cheerfully trading insults with a senior staff member late on today as we both laughed our heads off. However we have worked together for a long time and know where our boundaries are and we don't cross them.

Your situation is a bit different. A complaint is merited.

VisibleShantiLine · 04/11/2019 22:54

Just that I saw someone claim on another thread that ‘cunt’ is an endearment there.

Not for this Aussie.

That’s dreadful, OP. Needs to stop immediately.

Original poster
CareBear50 · 04/11/2019 22:55

@BeanTownNancy

What is spacker bus? Never heard the term. Ta

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/11/2019 22:55

@CareBear50 - could you say to him:

No-one calls you cunt because you lack the warmth and depth” - or at least think it to give you an internal smile while you say one of the more measured responses other MNers have suggested.

Fstar · 04/11/2019 22:56

Stop reacting or responding when he says it, ignore the twat and he will soon get bored

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/11/2019 22:56

I think spacker is an offensive term based on the word spastic, so a spacker bus would be one going to a special needs school.

theultimatepushyparent · 04/11/2019 23:06

Controversial Ferret's advice is the best.

Original poster
CareBear50 · 05/11/2019 09:03

So far today I got a 'good morning' with no expletives!

Let's hope things continue in this way!

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 05/11/2019 09:14

What he is doing is harassment. I would talk to your manager about it.

nanbread · 05/11/2019 09:15

Hopefully he's realised he needs to stop but if not I'd ask if you could have a word away from the office, and tell him how it makes you feel one on one, that it upsets you, it's not funny and you need him to stop. If he's got any shame he'll stop.

SeaWitchly · 05/11/2019 11:43

The C word might be said to each other by rough blokes on a building site in Aus but certainly not in any other job that I have heard of.

messolini9 · 05/11/2019 11:53

I do not want to rock the boat or cause Ill feeling and I don't want this colleague to find out Ive grassed him up....Am i being unreasonable??

YANBU
You have asked him to stop.
He has churlishly refused.
So now you need to own it.
Tell him straight up "you are deliberately insulting me & ignoring my request to stop name calling. Do it once more & I report."

He will do it again, because your office culture is clearly out of control.
Report.
Have the matter dealt with.

messolini9 · 05/11/2019 11:57

It definitely isn't bullying

Oh @CareBear50, it definitely is.
If someone repeatedly performs an annoying or upsetting action at you like this, despite requests to stop, it is bullying.

If you think otherwise, you are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 05/11/2019 12:04

If he does it again, I'd take him to one side, away from the office banter, and say that you're serious- it really does get to you, and you want to remain his friend but that this is really affecting you.
(There is also a town in north west Wales where cunt is used by everyone, always, and isn't a swear word...)

BlokeHereInPeace · 05/11/2019 12:18

100% bullying

Merryoldgoat · 05/11/2019 12:26

I am extremely sweary. I use bad language a lot.

I am perfectly able to assess when it's appropriate and using it to address someone who HATES it is an awful thing to do.

If someone said to me ONCE they were upset I would be apologetic and never do it again because I'm a decent person.

Complain about then 100% - they are marking their territory - they are saying what they want is more important than what you do and it's not.