How to get over mental trauma of childbirth

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Hi everyone, about 9 months ago i gave birth to a lovely baby. I know I am lucky that he is healthy and I have no lasting physical problems caused by the labour.

However, the pain during labour (even the pre-labour stage) was horrendous and the midwives just didn't seem to listen or care. Just being at 2cm was agony (nothing like the period pain type discomfort I believed it would be), to the extent that there was no difference in pain between 2cm and 6cm when I was finally admitted. Whenever I called the midwives I was told to just take some paracetamol, try to relax and not come in. I was sent home from hospital twice despite being in agony. Paracetamol didnt help at all, the midwives didnt seemed to listen or care, and i had to endure this for about 30 hours before I was finally admitted to hospital and could get some proper pain relief.

This has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I can't stop thinking about how the midwives were so dismissive of the pain I was in, and how I was made to feel like a pathetic little girl. I get flashbacks and find myself unable to sleep and crying at night. It can take over my thoughts for hours at a time during the day.

I would love to have another child one day, my baby brings me so much joy, but I don't think i could ever face another labour like that.

Has anybody else experienced feelings like this before? How did you overcome it? Were you ever able to bring yourself to have another child?

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer. The memories of my labour are becoming all-consuming and impacting on my daily life, but I don't know how to 'let it go' and stop thinking about it.

So sorry to hear of what you went through. It sounds like you're traumatised by your experience and you could probably benefit from some psychological therapy to help you process your experience and overcome these feelings. You could speak to your GP and ask for a referral for therapy (either to your local perinatal mental health team or local IAPT, who should also have clinicians who have perinatal and trauma experience).

I remember nothing of the pain. I know it was excruciating at the time and I kept being sick etc. I went into spontaneous labour but I honestly couldn't tell you a thing about it now.

I was only offered gas and air going down to delivery suite also was offered paracetamol when I was in actual labour. How and ever it is all forgotten.

I was a first time mother aswell and you dont know what yo expect or the pain that will come. If you do decide to have another then you know what's happening. You can discuss options and concerns with midwives and you'll be better prepared. I think as first time mothers, you dont really what's hit you until in you're that level of pain.

Hello, I honestly believe that there is not enough after care for mums.
I had two horrific births and to be honset it does it better with time. You could talk to your gp about counselling.. I would love a huge family but I decided that I couldnt put myself through child birth again but I really hope you will be able to over come that fear x

I am very sorry to hear how you were treated. You were looking for comfort and safety and it was given. There a few things you can do - firstly, be honest about how you feel, and that it is challenging. Next thing is to talk to someone - ideally your GP or a therapist, as a route to ensuring you have some mental health support in place. EMDR as a therapeutic technique can be amazing for this, but it is only available privately in some areas. www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/ I did it, not for birth trauma, but my therapist worked with victims of birth trauma, as well as other types such as assault or accidents.

Thirdly, if and when you feel up to it meeting a senior midwife from the hospital and sharing your experience and its impact will be hugely important for improving services but also for you to plan a future pregnancy including a plan for early labour support.

Go gentle on yourself.

I'm sorry you suffered so and are still suffering. I had a miserable birth too and struggled so hard to let it go, I was obsessed by it and still have some sad feelings about it.

Talk about it. To someone supportive who won't tell you how lucky you are. Don't bottle it up. Counselling would be useful, possibly also birth reflections if your hospital offers this.

I have friends who had elective sections and speak very highly of the experience of feeling in control and being pain free during delivery. If you can make the argument that your mental health would be affected by another vaginal birth then that is an option although not one to be taken lightly.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself. You don't need to "snap out of it" or "get over it", you need to move through it, gently and with love for yourself. It is major, life-changing stuff to have a baby, and how it happens matters, not just the outcome. Don't let anyone dismiss you by telling you different.

Get a referral from your health visitor or gp for some psychological support. It was invaluable to me. Fight for it, it sounds like you have ptsd which is little diagnosed but quite common amongst women who have had a traumatic time giving birth. You are not alone, and what you went through sounds very difficult and traumatising. Not being taken seriously is just the worst! You poor love.

Also, don't worry about a second child, have a planned c-section as is your right. You do not have to go through the same experience again.

However, the pain during labour (even the pre-labour stage) was horrendous and the midwives just didn't seem to listen or care. Just being at 2cm was agony (nothing like the period pain type discomfort I believed it would be), to the extent that there was no difference in pain between 2cm and 6cm when I was finally admitted.

Honestly op, I felt the same. I gave birth 10 weeks ago. I just couldn't understand how people managed to stay at home until 6 to 8 cm dilated! And like how do you know?! I managed to go from Sunday to Tuesday morning without seeing a midwife but got to 5am and I couldn't take it any more. If used tens, baths, paracetamol but nothing seemed to get worse so I wasn't progressing. So at 5am I text midwife telling her to come and finally I got gas and air. I honestly don't understand why I didn't get it sooner. What the fuck is paracetamol going to do?! I, like you, felt it was just supposed to be like period pains...pft
Anyway I wanted home birth but they ran out of gas and air! Ended up in hospital with an epidural which actually failed and another 12 hours after being admitted to hospital I gave birth.

It was nothing like I thought it would be. No one ever talks about the reality of labour before the main event really and that's not very helpful.

Anyway I know I'm not any help but I just wanted to say I felt the same. Hope you get the help you need.

I’m still very upset by my birth experience. It didn’t go how I wanted and I’m still suffering from the damage it caused. It makes me angry because lots of women get to enjoy having a lovely baby without this kind of physical trauma. I often ask why me, but I guess I’m just unlucky. Anyway it’s too late now, literally all I can do is try to let it go and stop thinking about it. Time helps with that, as does accepting your own anger and the fact that you were mistreated and it isn’t fair. I won’t be having another baby though - I’ve been damaged enough already.

Thank you everyone for your support. I've been reading and re-reading your comments and your kindness means a lot. I'll make an appointment with my gp to try to get some professional help.

Why should you be expected to just 'let it go' though? It was a horrible, traumatising event and you'd quite frankly be mad to do it again.

People end up with PTSD for much less.
Your feelings are valid. Perhaps speaking to someone who can help work you through them might help.

But not someone who us going to tell you that its OK to put yourself through that shit again and risk of the same trauma.

Pain is the bodies way of saying - hey, don't do this!

Also, I'm so sorry for you other ladies who also had bad experiences too. Maternity care can be so lacking when we most need it xx

When I had my daughter, there was a service called "Birth After thoughts" - might be worth checking if it is offered in your area. I think you can contact them pretty much any time after giving birth.

So sorry you had such an awful experience. I can't be any help in relation to the best way to overcome and process what happened, but if you do decide to go on and have another baby I'd really recommend looking into hypnobirthing. I know a lot of people have found it massively helpful for births following traumatic ones.

Been in a v similar situation before. My birth experience was awful. From midwives not listening to what pain relief I wanted and an EMCS after 30h of labour, to the worst aftercare I could have probably imagined. Ended up in hospital for days on a busy ward, no proper sleep for over 5 days, and a HCA I really should have complained over as she was literally bullying me when I was at my most vulnerable.

Until a few months ago I couldn't have imagined having another child. Something 'clicked' and it didn't seem so scary anymore. I'm currently pregnant. However, I'm still traumatised and talking about my experience leaves me in floods of tears every time. I'll be getting a debrief before I give birth to try and help me deal with my anxiety about hospital. I'll also be mentioning to every HCP I see throughout my pregnancy so I'll be better catered to this time when I go in. Sometimes you have to be selfish to deal with things.

Have a chat with your GP. I didn't and I went months having undiagnosed PND. It does get better, but seeking help is much better than struggling alone like I did. I know this time to be vocal and make myself heard. It's simply the only way I'll get through this pregnancy.

I remember being afraid in labour. Bizarily just very very afraid and a lot happening that I didn't understand including there clearly being a problem with the baby that wasn't communicated (he's fine now).
I had a clitirol tear and a down tear plsu 2 other 2nd degrees and then 4 hours of surgery. Them trying to stop my bleeds post birth was awful... I remember clearly telling them I'd rather die and they had to stop touching me.
I agree ref post treatment care. I felt very dismissed regarding how much pain I was in post birth and ignored. I still don't fully understand what happened and I am afraid to ahve another.
I know people have had much worse times and I'm extremely lucky my son is safe and well but I knew it would be bad but not as bad as it was.
I think counselling might help you op. My sister had a hard birth but said yoga randomly helped as she felt in control.

I had a traumatic birth years ago in which me and my baby nearly died, it was the most agonizing experience of my life and I was left with PTSD, took a long time to physically recover and my health has never been the same since. Swore I would never have another baby. I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and terrified of the birth, having panic attacks and nightmares, waking up in floods of tears. Really want a cesarean but been told I can't and that a c section carries more risks. So I sympathize with you

Are you in the UK? You can elective c section most places now if you push hard for it

I am in the UK, but unfortunately I live in an area where the nhs trust refuses all elective caeserians requests to save money

I feel for you OP. I had my baby 6 months ago, and I feel the same. I was pushing and pushing but the labour wasn’t progressing, and it turns out my daughter was stuck in the birth canal. Forceps were required and as a result she has suffered permanent nerve damage to her shoulder and eye, and I have a suspected prolapse. I don’t know if I feel angry, sad, numb - but I can’t move on from it. It makes me angry though to hear how many horror stories there are out there.

I had a very similar experience with my DS. I was sent home from hospital 3 times mand 3 hours in the car during labour. Each time I asked when I should come back and was given a wishy-washy answer of "when contractions are 5 mins/3 mins/1 mins apart." I was so absolutely terrified that I would have my baby in the car, I blamed myself for so long afterwards for not insisting that they let me into hospital.

The 2nd time I went in the midwife offered me "pain relief" and disappeared for 40 minutes only to come back with paracetamol. By the time they let me stay I was delirious with pain and exhaustion, like I literally was hallucinating that my dog was in the hospital with me and I collapsed on the floor waiting to die. Then I was left alone (well, with my terrified husband) in a room for an hour with gas and air that nobody showed me how to use, so it was completely ineffectual. It was 2 days into labour before I saw a midwife who even tried to help me, or at least that's how it felt at the time. I begged for an epidural and got one asap, I literally didn't feel like a human being again until that point, it was the loneliest and most terrifying time of my life, I felt like I'd been abandoned and betrayed at the most vulnerable time in my life, and I've thought about it every day since.

Eventually ended up with an EMCS after 40 hours, and it turned out that he would have never come out due to his position anyway. One thing I always think about is the poor women in the past (and present) who would have eventually died in those circumstances. God, what a horrific way to die.

I'm 6 months pregnant with my 2nd now (a surprise baby) and have just had my ELCS booked, I can't tell you what absolute relief I felt when I felt when it was confirmed. For me its all about control, I just couldn't face that terror again. I've had to fight a little for it, after being brushed off by a consultant who said my last labour was "absolutely fine"... despite ending in a section . I spent a few weeks after that practically drowning in anxiety, until I met with a midwife at my birth after caesarean clinic who remembered me from last time and actually let me talk to her about it. What I found really helped was that she apologised for my experience and said that I should absolutely have been admitted earlier. She said that while some people find labouring at home more relaxing than in hospital, this obviously isn't universal, and that the levels of stress and pain and fear I felt with constantly journeying back and forth probably stalled my labour, and that I deserved more of a voice than I had at the time. She then booked me straight in for another section once I told her what I wanted.

I don't feel like I'll ever forget the trauma of my first, and as my bump has grown this time I've felt the feelings intensify. Last time my body looked like this I had no idea what was in store for me, and I wish I could go back in time and advocate for my past self. I also sometimes feel like I don't have any right to feel the trauma that I do... after all, some people have worse births. But I know that this is wrong, that everybody's experiences and feelings are valid. There's SUCH a tendency to brush it off with a "at least the baby is ok" or "but it was all worth it, wasn't it?" It's such an odd way of minimising women's trauma.

Sorry for the massive ramble! I don't have much advice really except to say that you are not alone in your experience, and that you are absolutely entitled to a ELCS if you should choose one in the future. In the meantime I think that any kind of Birth Afterthoughts thing is a very good idea, it might help to get answers or even just to discuss what you went through. Definitely seek counselling if you can, and don't ever feel like you should be grateful for what you went through. Childbirth can be brutal and you deserved to be taken care of and listened to, we all do. You're doing the right thing already by thinking about how you can get help and by talking about it. Be your own advocate. Talk to your partner, friends or family if you can, and be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry, OP. It's more common than you think, and I hope you will get help to process this. I'd also recommend hypnobirthing for your next pregnancy. There's a lot of nonsense you have to wade through (the hyping of the natural birth, some of the misogynist roots of the movement), but the techniques they teach you are really valuable, I found, and I left my course so well informed that I, despite a rushed induction and back-to-back contractions, had a great birth experience because I felt in control. The weeks after childbirth were really rough (my baby is not "healthy"), but I got a lot of strength from my positive birth experience and would wish the same to all women.

Also, if you need an elective c-section to feel in control, that's valid and I think if you can show the impact a vaginal birth had on your mental health (just get one doctor on your side), they should give you one.

Yes I had a very tough labour, induced at 42 weeks, 30 hours of contractions, 5 hours of pushing, numerous intervention attempts, episitomy and then badly infected stitches requiring antibiotics and pain relief. I had months of nightmares and flashbacks and honestly couldn't imagine going through it again.
That was 16 months ago and now I'm 3 months pregnant again. To be honest, probably not the most scientific approach but I just tried not to think about it, and luckily got pregnant as soon as we stated trying so I didn't have much time to think about if i could really go through this again. I'm just hoping the 2nd time will be easier!

With regards to the c-section option this is directly lifted from the NHS website

"If after discussing all the risks and hearing about all the support on offer you still feel that a vaginal birth is not an acceptable option, you should be offered a planned caesarean. If your doctor is unwilling to perform the operation, they should refer you to a doctor who will"

It's an awful state of affairs that we have to fight for autonomy over our own bodies, but you do have the right to choose wherever you are in the uk.

Anyway, that's something that you can think about in the future! for you, I really hope you access the help you need and deserve.

Like other posters I chose an ELCS after a complete shitshow of a birth with DC1. I had no faith at all after that, they effectively ignored me after an induction, I asked for a TENS machine and a midwife brought three into the room - all broken - and then left me without anything for another 8 hours until my husband managed to get them back in as the babys heartbeat kept dropping amongst other things.

All of a sudden the room was full of staff and I was rushed into theatre for an EMCS. It took me a while to 'get over it'and I'm still quite pissed off about it, that was five years ago. Even more bizarrely, I was induced early as DC was not growing enough and my amniotic water levels were too low but they still didn't listen to me. I had no pain relief at all until moments before I was prepped for surgery when they finally gave me gas and air. The relief was unreal, then some fucking woman told me not to have too much, I felt as though I was being torn in two through my abdomen and had been ignored for hours.

Anyway, sorry for derailing your thread but YANBU and you should talk about it definitely. I think they had some kind of debriefing when I was in hospital but I was totally out of it by then in shock and on painkillers so I can't really remember those early days.

With DC2 I chose an ELCS and it was night and day. Also, on both occasions the theatre staff were amazing and it felt like finally there were people that knew what they were doing and that actually cared about me and my baby. I was terrified of the worst happening and they were so kind and understanding and professional.

Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble! It was quite therapeutic though so thanks. It's helped to validate how I feel some too I was also told I was only 2cm but it felt so severe that I'm sure something was wrong but no one admitted it or took accountability for ignoring me and making me feel like I was overreacting and a burden.