How to get over mental trauma of childbirth

[Zigzagzzz]

Hi everyone, about 9 months ago i gave birth to a lovely baby. I know I am lucky that he is healthy and I have no lasting physical problems caused by the labour.

However, the pain during labour (even the pre-labour stage) was horrendous and the midwives just didn't seem to listen or care. Just being at 2cm was agony (nothing like the period pain type discomfort I believed it would be), to the extent that there was no difference in pain between 2cm and 6cm when I was finally admitted. Whenever I called the midwives I was told to just take some paracetamol, try to relax and not come in. I was sent home from hospital twice despite being in agony. Paracetamol didnt help at all, the midwives didnt seemed to listen or care, and i had to endure this for about 30 hours before I was finally admitted to hospital and could get some proper pain relief.

This has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I can't stop thinking about how the midwives were so dismissive of the pain I was in, and how I was made to feel like a pathetic little girl. I get flashbacks and find myself unable to sleep and crying at night. It can take over my thoughts for hours at a time during the day.

I would love to have another child one day, my baby brings me so much joy, but I don't think i could ever face another labour like that.

Has anybody else experienced feelings like this before? How did you overcome it? Were you ever able to bring yourself to have another child?

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer. The memories of my labour are becoming all-consuming and impacting on my daily life, but I don't know how to 'let it go' and stop thinking about it.

I remember the overarching trauma of my very difficult pregnancy, birth and recovery was the realisation of the extent to which society despises women. To such an extent that they would happily risk my death than believe my account of my own body and offer me adequate care. Even when I was hemorrhaging, fainting, the attitude was that I was a silly girl making a fuss. Quite honestly, virtually no soul gave a shit. That includes, family, friends and my husband. Not a shit.

When women are in the very vulnerable state of pregnancy and childbirth, society simply feels free to be very, very honest about expressing the undercurrent of despisement of women. That is unbelievably traumatic.

I wont go into what happened but the birth of my second child left me with PTSD. I went for my "birth afterthoughts" session at the hospital (which I think all areas offer) and was referred for diagnosis and treatment. I had EMDR and it changed my life. It hasn't magically made my experiences of labour and post- labour any less terrible but it has enabled me to cope with them and got the nightmares and flashbacks under control. Try and get some help, the hospital might be a better place to go than your GP - they'll be more likely to have experience with this and that's how I got refered

Thank you all. Your comments have been a source of comfort for me and it sounds like there's a range of options that may help.

It's such a shame that for far too many of us we dont get the help we need when we need it most.

Did you take antenatal classes or read any books to prepare you for the different stages of childbirth and the pain relief options available? Did you make a birth plan and asked the midwife what the pain options were? Did you get to make an educated decision as to whether to go for a hospital labour ward or midwife led unit

Far too many first time mums come into the labour ward totally unprepared which blows my mind because you wouldn’t do that for any other type of surgery. I suggest you review everything about your pregnancy from the beginning (contact PALS at the hospital you used to get your maternity and labour notes if possible) to find ways to improve the experience for next time.

It’s my first birth too and one of the first things I was told by my midwife at the hospital is if the pain isn’t manageable then it doesn’t matter what stage you are at you can go in and get pain relief. That option, however, isn’t available at local midwife units.

I had ptsd after a traumatic birth and found a few sessions of e m d r helped massively.

Another mum here who had a traumatic birth and diagnosed with PTSD. Go to the GP and request EMDR therapy. It has changed my life and I can now begin to enjoy my time with my baby and also can begin to contemplate having another baby. EMDR eased my nightmares and helped me deal with the trauma. The fact that I am even reading this thread and replying is testament to EMDR. Good luck OP and I hope you get the help you need.

I feel the same as you. I spent 21 hours basically puking my guts out and having extremely painful back contractions.

I phoned the unit 5 or 6 times and they basically said I couldn't come in because I could still speak between the contractions.

When I was finally admitted turned out I was dehydrated, baby had pooped inside and I needed to go to another hospital by ambulance. I begged for more pain relief but no one seemed to give a flying shit.

In the end I only had gas and air. DH needed to pick up the car which had all the stuff in it which took him an hour. By the time he got back visiting hours were over.

It's stopping me having another child. So if you find the secret of getting over your trauma I would love to find out...

I had a bloody horrible first birthing experience too - understand you totally.

I'd recommend a CS for your next - it was the total opposite of the first experience and I was totally relaxed knowing there'd be no pain to deal with (it's not bad recovering from either!)

Hi I am sorry you had this experience. Your post really resonated with me as I experienced similar myself. It is terrible to be in so much pain and be in such a vulnerable position and not listened to. I do,however, understand that the midwives are incredibly stretched.

I went up to the labour ward and the midwife refused to examine me. After a couple of hours I finally saw a midwife who was willing to examine me, and I was found to be at 4cm. They said they didn’t think I could be in active labour as I was too calm and must have a high pain threshold. Well I didn’t feel at all calm or like I had a high pain threshold. It also made me feel terrible emotionally.

I think that this is unfortunately quite a common experience. I wish you all the best x

@GrumpyHoonMain yes, I attended all the antenatal classes available and did my own research. There was no choice between labour ward or midwife unit.

Everything suggested that early labour would only be mild pain, which would be manageable with paracetamol, hot baths/showers and generally relaxing at home. I did my utmost to ensure I was as prepared as I could be, but the pain of early labour was nothing like the classes and literature suggested.

It was not some mild pain that I could be distracted from with a gentle walk or comedy film like the midwives kept telling me to, but an on-all-fours screaming while feeling like my insides were being torn out with a hot poker type pain. However, because I was only 2cm the midwives did not take my pain seriously, treated me like a nuisance, and only offered woefully inadequate help like suggesting I watch a film. I could not tell the difference between being 2cm and 6 cm.

I told the midwives I wasn't coping. They told me to take paracetamol. I was explicitly told there was nothing more they could give me until I was 4cm and to go home.

Don't try to suggest that i didn't try to prepare. The 'care' received was atrocious.

I haven't read through all of the posts but I wanted to post to urge you to seek counselling via your GP. I didn't suffer the same pain you experience but had traumatic labour experiences with both children.

I didn't seem professionally help and it was only really 3 years later that I started to feel more positively about myself and the experience.

I agree with the person who said that we don't get enough aftercare after birth. Because we don't. Please don't suffer like I did - talk to your health visitor or GP and get referred to a specialist for help

@GrumpyHoonMain You are completely right that it really should be the case that you get adequate pain relief no matter what stage you're at, but its definitely not the reality for a lot of women. It can feel like you're totally at other people's mercy and they just don't believe you. Sometimes paracetamol and a warm bath just don't cut it, and that's what I was told by midwives to go home and use. In my experience it felt like my spine was being hacked with an axe for 30 hours before I was allowed into hospital for any actual pain relief.

It's tough OP but if you can, try and change your mental perspective about your labour. Your body was AMAZING and pushed your baby out safe and well. It was awful, the worst pain ever but you managed the pain, you were strong and you got through it. You've done it once and you can do it again! Trust your body and know you can get through it. They say the second is much quicker anyway.
I had a similar experience to you, not being admitted despite being in lots of pain, left in the corridor having contractions!
It does sound like you have a bit of PTSD so do try and speak to someone too but I really found being proud of myself and how my body coped really changed my perspective on things.

Grumpy, I attended all classes, had done research and was all for taking things in my stride and having as 'natural' birth as possible, using calming techniques, TENS machines etc before things progressed. I wasn't offered any pain relief and was pretty much ignored and left to it as the ward was busy.

What you learn in your ante natal classes from community midwives can be very different from the reality of what you will be faced with on the labour ward.

I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and terrified of the birth, having panic attacks and nightmares, waking up in floods of tears. Really want a cesarean but been told I can't and that a c section carries more risks. So I sympathize with you

No, I’m sorry, this is NOT RIGHT and it makes me so angry to read things like this.

The NICE guidelines say the following:

*Your doctor or midwife should explore and discuss your reasons with you and make a note of this discussion.

If your request is not for medical reasons, your doctor or midwife should explain the overall risks and benefits of caesarean section compared with vaginal birth. You should also be able to talk to other members of your healthcare team, such as the obstetrician or anaesthetist, to make sure you have accurate information.

If you ask for a caesarean section because you have anxiety about giving birth, your midwife or doctor should offer you the chance to discuss your anxiety with a healthcare professional who can offer you support during your pregnancy and labour.

If, after discussion (and the offer of support if you have anxiety), you still feel that you do not want a vaginal birth, you should be offered a caesarean section.

If your obstetrician is unwilling to carry out a caesarean section, they should refer you to another obstetrician who will carry out the caesarean section.*

No one should be experiencing anxiety like you’re experiencing. You are allowed to insist on a caesarean. It is YOUR BODY. Make an appointment, print out a copy of the NICE guidelines, and do as much research as possible on the relative risks of sections and vaginal births (it isn’t really true to say that a section carries more risks - it carries different risks). But you need to show that you understand the risks of a caesarean.

I had a traumatic experience with my first but sort of brushed it off as we never planned on having a second (first was IVF) , fast forward 5 years and I’m 19 Weeks pregnant with a very surprise baby!
I had an unrelated Obstetric consultant appointment a couple of weeks ago and she asked me some questions about my first labour that I probably should have known the answer too - she seemed surprised I didn’t - and she asked me whether I’d been offered a de briefing session afterwards (I hadn’t) and she seemed surprised at that too. At this point I don’t think I’m going to pursue that but it might be an option for you to understand better what happened during labour, might help you try to help you feel like you can get some closure? As others have said asking your GP for help with this isn’t a bad idea either

@Zigzagzzz, your OP resonates with me 100% and I am so sorry that you had a difficult and traumatic birth. I’ve just had a birth matters meeting today with a senior midwife as I am 25 weeks pregnant and I found it so helpful and it has helped build my self confidence back up to a functioning standard! My DD has recently turned 1 and I have spent the last year of her life beating myself up and feeling like I had failed during labour.

For myself personally the senior midwife concluded that labour slowed down for myself (resulted in an EMCS) and as I had been having gallstone attacks (this was not diagnosed till after she was born) that I was so scared of pain that I clung to gas and air which exhausts you as well.

I really would recommend arranging a birth matters meeting like PP’s have advised. I would be probably be too petrified and refuse to do it again if I hadn’t spoken to this midwife today

Please see your GP. This is so much more common than people think. There’s this idea that childbirth is natural and often that the only thing that matters is the baby and so we should just be able to handle it but it can be a traumatic event, and it’s certainly life changing. It took me 3 years after my daughter was born to see my GP and I’ve just started seeing a psychologist and I wish I’d done it sooner. You can also request a debrief with the hospital to go over everything that happened. It might just be that you need to talk it over and be able to acknowledge that ok, this happened and while I won’t be the same as I was before, it’s ok. Women are just left to it a lot and it’s not really fair.

As to be referred for a debrief with a specialist midwife. They go through your notes with you and explain. I found it helpful. I had ptsd symptoms which improved when she was about 5.

Time and time again we get these horrendous experiences, the care of pregnant women is really appalling

@GrumpyHoonMain are you really suggesting that if me and the other women that have written here about PTSD diagnosis and traumatic birth experiences would have been ok if we'd read a couple more books and paid more attention in class?? I've had 2 emergency sections, (the second far more traumatic than the first) and I did more to "prepare" for them than anyone I know who had any other kind of surgery - my DH had his knee replaced a few years ago and I don't think he went to any classes or read any books at all to prepare for that and he didn't end up with blood transfusion, follow up emergency surgery, sepsis or PTSD and on going anxiety.
Childbirth historically has been the biggest killer of women and its bloody, dangerous and unpredictable. You are very lucky you had the right pain relief, a straightforward birth and enough midwives to look after you. It's not everyone's experience and the reasons women have a traumatic time in childbirth are varied but it's never because the women didn't read enough books about it.

OP, I had flashbacks after the birth of my first. I won’t go into detail, but I felt very afraid and alone and out of control, and that led to an awful lot of angst after my first baby was born.

What helped for me was finding the Birth Trauma Association website and realising how common these feelings are. They were doing a survey about birth trauma and completing it made me realise I basically had PTSD.
I did try for another baby quite soon, but was determined things would be different. In the event I ended up with another emcs but felt so much more in control the whole time (until they knocked me out anyway) that it really was a totally different experience. I also hired help - a private MW so I wouldn’t feel alone and who let me talk (a lot) about the first time around.

I think if I could tell my younger self anything it would be that it’s ok to feel upset (even the most smooth births can be genuinely shocking) , to check out the birth trauma association website, and to find a therapist to talk to.

Be gentle with yourself. It may take some time but you will be ok.

I had ptsd following a traumatic birth with my first. I had cbt and it helped a huge deal. Op what happened to you is not ok. Please get yourself referred for help. I found the GP was a tad confused about my symptoms as they tend to look for PND. I had to self refer in the end.
I've just had my second baby and had an amazing experience. Largely due to the fact that I got a specialist MW due to the previous issues and ptsd. I was pretty vocal about what I wanted and ended up with a vbac in the pool.

@GrumpyHoonMain I'm glad reading books helped you. Sounds like you had a straightforward birth. Not everyone does and your post is hugely dismissive of those with different experiences.
I did anti natal classes, read many books and was well prepared. I knew that what was happening wasn't what I wanted and wasn't what the nice guidelines provided. Sometimes in labour you are not in control and no amount of reading or class taking will change that