How to get over mental trauma of childbirth

[Zigzagzzz]

Hi everyone, about 9 months ago i gave birth to a lovely baby. I know I am lucky that he is healthy and I have no lasting physical problems caused by the labour.

However, the pain during labour (even the pre-labour stage) was horrendous and the midwives just didn't seem to listen or care. Just being at 2cm was agony (nothing like the period pain type discomfort I believed it would be), to the extent that there was no difference in pain between 2cm and 6cm when I was finally admitted. Whenever I called the midwives I was told to just take some paracetamol, try to relax and not come in. I was sent home from hospital twice despite being in agony. Paracetamol didnt help at all, the midwives didnt seemed to listen or care, and i had to endure this for about 30 hours before I was finally admitted to hospital and could get some proper pain relief.

This has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I can't stop thinking about how the midwives were so dismissive of the pain I was in, and how I was made to feel like a pathetic little girl. I get flashbacks and find myself unable to sleep and crying at night. It can take over my thoughts for hours at a time during the day.

I would love to have another child one day, my baby brings me so much joy, but I don't think i could ever face another labour like that.

Has anybody else experienced feelings like this before? How did you overcome it? Were you ever able to bring yourself to have another child?

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer. The memories of my labour are becoming all-consuming and impacting on my daily life, but I don't know how to 'let it go' and stop thinking about it.

It’s my first birth too

So you haven't given birth yet Grumpy?

I felt quite traumatised after hours and hours of full on painful back to back contractions, bleeding in labour and failed epidural(s). Mostly being left alone with virtually no support or encouragement from midwives.
2nd baby I decided on a different approach and I booked into a stand alone birth centre. I practised hypnobirthing (which I’d completely dismissed for baby 1). I read up on active birth techniques (juju sundin) and prepped by husband in a much more prescriptive way on how to support me should I panic or ‘lose control’. I figured as epidurals can’t be relied on I needed to prepare myself so I felt in control.
In the end I had a 4 hour labour start to finish (only 30 minutes in the birth centre with 2 midwives who never left my side). My 2nd labour really helped heal some of the bad feelings about labour. Of course I can’t be sure if being mentally better prepared made labour easier or if it’s just a classic case of quicker 2nd labour. I felt in control though and it made all the difference.

Oh Op....I could have written this! I went through a very similar thing with my first, and the midwives were dismissive to the point of (what I felt at the time in my possibly paranoid state was) ridiculing me. For the first few days, every time I looked at my baby, all I can feel was shock at how much pain I had been in and how unexpected the whole thing was. I was adamant that I could never do it again, and when I fell pregnant unexpectedly the second time I had to have a section for medical reasons. I was so happy I cried (I know that sounds terrible but it's true). The section was everything the previous birth wasn't: I felt cared for and safe. I'm so sorry not to be able to offer any better advice as you say you can't have an EC, and there is much better advice from other posters about help you can get. There is a huge part of me that feels angry with myself that I "failed" to do what millions of women manage to do....but it just is what it is. What comforted me a bit is that a friend has recently qualified as a hypnobirthing professional after she had a traumatic first birth. She feels strongly that, had I not had to have an EC the second time around, something like hypnobirthing would have helped to make the last birth a very different experience to the first one. I hope you access the support you need, and if you decide to have another child, do look into something like hypnobirthing as the friend who conveyed it to me seemed to make a lot of sense.

I hear you OP. It pisses me off that the midwives treat birth as so prescriptive. ‘You can’t possibly be in much pain at 2cms, go home and have some paracetamol.’

It’s nothing to do with reading books and preparation. I too was in agony with no difference between 2cms and fully dilated in terms of pain. This pain went on for 40 hours with no let up then 4 hours of pushing.

It’s nothing to do with pain threshold as with my second labour I was bouncing around on a ball quite in control about to be sent home and low and behold I was 8cams dilated
Every birth is different.

You are well within your rights to push for an elective c section next time.

I was in agony with my third omg I hate thinking about it, i was also on the floor rolling around at only 2cm , hours later I couldn't take it anymore and the labour ward told me to stay home because they said " you are probably still only 2cm, have a bath" well I kid you not I called an ambulance because my sons head was coming out 5 seconds after I got off the phone!

It is traumatic and every labour is different, my son was back to back and that is much more painful imo so maybe your baby's positioning was also awkward.

Honestly I just blocked all of that trauma out and accepted it for what it was, I got what I wanted and you just have to think it was all worth it
If you wanted another baby in the future, you could have an epidural x

Birth is traumatic and painful enough without staff making it worse!

My first labour was terrible. My notes were very clear about my extensive history of being a rape and sexual abuse survivor and that I didn't want any internal exams unless 100% necessary for my baby. However, one particular midwife insisted on doing them, didn't obtain my consent and told me not to be pathetic as I cried and asked her to stop.

My second labour 7 weeks ago was traumatic on its own as dd and I nearly died. However, I did feel listened to. A huge difference for me was labour 1 was with an ex. Labour 2 was with DP and, whilst it must have been scary for him, he made sure he knew what I did and didn't want and he advocated for me when I didn't feel able to myself. Nobody even tried to internally examine me. Dp also got the gas and air when they didn't come back after 30 mins.

I had what I now know was PTSD following the birth of my son 25 years ago.For me it wasn’t the pain but the fear and loss of control. There was meconium and blood when my waters broke and the heart rate kept dipping. He had to be intubated and spent 6 days in special care. He has a lifelong disability which I was initially told was due to birth trauma but was actually a rare chromosome disorder.
My daughter was born 14mths later and thankfully they agreed to an elective caesarian. Going back to the hospital was traumatic but the birth itself was very calm.
I’ve since had EMDR therapy about the birth and it really helped.
Take care

Oh do bore off, Grumpy.

Reading about labour does not prepare you for labour in any way. I attended a full pre-natal programme and all the pain relief options were discussed. I had an idea of what I wanted if certain situations arose.

How did it go? Oh yes. I asked for an epidural and was given remi after a half hour wait because the midwives were arguing with each other. I had to beg for the pain relief I wanted, and needed, again later.

I was told I wasn't trying or pushing hard enough. I was sighed at because I vomited over myself. But sure, it was only because my baby had became stuck due to brow presentation and I needed an EMCS.

Reading does very little. How dare you attempt to shame OP and the other women on this thread. How dare you insinuate they didn't do their due diligence and research extensively. You can't come in here under the guise of being helpful while single handedly making out that all of us didn't research enough and it's our own fault x, y and z happened.

Absolutely shameful response in such a sensitive discussion.

@GrumpyHoonMain

When you haven’t given birth, I think it’s natural to want to think that women who had traumatic births must have done something ‘wrong’ and that yours will be different - because you prepared!

I attended antenatal classes, did hypnobirthing, did pregnancy yoga, spent hours on my birth plan. My birth plan never made it out of my bag. Midwife never asked for it, either. There wasn’t time during my four hour labour. I think women are encouraged to make birth plans because they give us some illusion of control over the process.

It’s my first birth too and one of the first things I was told by my midwife at the hospital is if the pain isn’t manageable then it doesn’t matter what stage you are at you can go in and get pain relief. That option, however, isn’t available at local midwife units.

Well, your hospital might be different, but I think you should possibly carry on ‘researching’ as either you’ve misunderstood or you’re being fed bullshit to keep you calm. One of the differences between hospitals and MLUs is the type of pain relief you can have. you can’t have an epidural or diamorphine at an MLU - only pethidine and gas and air. That has nothing to do with the stage at which they’ll encourage you to come in. Hospitals have even more pressure on beds than MLUs so are even less likely to want to admit you before they have to.

I was having agonising contractions two minutes apart and they told me to stay at home ‘for at least an hour’, last my contractions stopped.

Did you take antenatal classes or read any books to prepare you for the different stages of childbirth and the pain relief options available? - is yes I read loads of books and did NCT and NHS antenatal classes.

Did you make a birth plan and asked the midwife what the pain options were? Yes, I made one at 36 weeks and discussed with my midwife what pain relief I would like. However, when I went to be induced the midwife their completely ignored it and my multiple requests for pain relief.

Did you get to make an educated decision as to whether to go for a hospital labour ward or midwife led unit. No, my waters went and contractions didn’t start so I went in to be induced on the shared antenatal ward (labour ward and MLU are alongside each other). My birth plan said that I would like birth in the MLU but I was automatically taken to labour ward

I had prom so I went in to be induced. Earlier when I went in checked over I specifically asked if I could used the birth pool if I was induced and I was told yes (if I didn’t need the drip).

When I went into be induced I was told that after I had the Propess it would feel like bad period pains but this was just it settling and it would cause contractions. Before coming off the monitor (baby was back to back) I was having very sharp pains. I was told to go to bed so I did but with 30 mins I was having 45 second contractions every 2 mins. There was no latent stage, on off contractions or slow build up of pain. I told the midwife and was given a birth ball and 2 co-codemol. 30 mins later the pain is now off the scale and I request further pain relief. I am refused any pain relief and the midwife tells me I am getting in the bath. The bath offers zero pain relief. I speak to the midwife multiple times requesting pain relief only to be told I am not in labour. I request multiple times to be checked to see if I am in labour but the midwife refused. I am in so much pain it feels like someone is stamping on me over and over repeatedly breaking my bones. I tell the midwife I am in so much pain I feel like I am dying. I am again told I am not in labour, denied any pain relief and no one actually does any checks to see if I am in labour. 20 mins later I ring the bell and tell the midwife I am pushing. She reluctantly examines me that shrieks that I am 10cm dilated! The Midwife then shouts at me what was my birth plan! I’m then wheeled round to the labour ward at high speed to as the are worried I will deliver on the antenatal ward. It was three hours from nothing to fully displayed and no one believed I was in labour as I was a FTM!

All the birth plans, antenatal classes and birth preparation aren’t worth anything if the midwife chooses to completely ignore anything you say!

I requested a birth debrief and a copy of my notes. I then complaint to the Trust about my induction and my complaint was upheld.

The birth trauma association is also on Facebook and I found them helpful.

Thank you everyone. It is both comforting and worrying that it's not just me who has felt this way.

To chime in I had zero of my elected birth plan. I was ignore and I understand due to safety of my baby (explained after). I didn't want to be on my back, I didn't want surgery, I wanted pain relief and got NONE as no time.
I was very very afraid and I due to an arterial tear lost a large amount of blood which required extensive repair. This was not my fault but a situation which arose due to my child requiring an urgent birth for medical reasons.
I hope your birth is less traumatic I really do. But it may not be.
The midwife did what was needed for my baby and he's safe as a result but I have permenant injury as a result. I wish someone would have taken a minute to explain to me what was happening so I was in control or at least understood.

Hands up, I didn’t take any antenatal classes, read books or write a birth plan. DD was premature, I’d not got to that stage.

But in a way, I’m glad I’d not wasted my time as ‘please cut my fanny in half then yank her out with BBQ tongs’ would sure as hell not be written on it.

I gave birth on Thursday via CS due to medical conditions.
I stayed on the delivery suite for two days beforehand so I could have steroids and be monitored.
Over those two days I heard many women labouring, and all I can say is, OMG. I am so glad I didn't have to go through that. I have no idea how they got through it.
My CS seemed a walk in the park in comparison, and even the pain afterwards was more than manageable; nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be.
It's not for everyone and obviously the risks need to be considered, but I can't recommend a CS highly enough.

@GrumpyHoonMain

So you have not had your baby yet?

All the classes in the world cannot prepare you for how some health care professionals can treat you when you’re pregnant or giving birth.

I was not afraid of birth. I was actually quite relaxed about the whole thing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t plan on dealing with consultants who constantly ignored my questions and concerns. A midwife signed me off to them without my consent, the only explanation given to me that they’ve taken over my care. We had to get a second opinion from a fetal specialist because the consultant wanted to do an amino at 20 weeks because baby “looked” small yet all of my and baby’s tests were normal. The specialist said that there was absolutely no medical need for it and he would have never advised something so invasive. We cancel it and lo and behold she changes her tune and then says baby looks “big” and looking to induce at 36 weeks ( I was only 24) . Sonographers constantly saying baby is healthy and growing well and not sure what the consultants are worried about while every appt with a consultant afterwards telling us something negative and he’s big. I refused induction at 36 weeks so they put me on the Doppler twice a week from then while using every appt afterwards to coerce me into being induced. Imagine being told that your baby is healthy by another hcp and then having a consultant tell you you’re killing your baby by not inducing. I caved after two weeks of this. I was told that they could check my cervix to see if my body was prepared so I could turn down the induction but I was then told that I needed to start the induction to find out. It was a lie, but I didn’t know that at the time. Had a registrar verbally assault my husband in front of me because he asked her to wait a few seconds so I can finish my contraction. She didn’t even let him finish asking before shouting at him that she could talk to me if she liked and he couldn’t stop her. By time she finished her tirade, I was shaking and gasping for gas and air. I have anxiety about people shouting/arguing in front of me. The medical staff who had been in the room with me during the days of induction knew that I had asked not to be talked to during my contractions and had no issue with this. Still no progress and they said my only option was the drip hoping it will speed things up or an emergency c-section. Wasn’t even a minute before telling us this that another consultant told us to hurry up because she needed the room. Emer c-sec it was and even when they were preparing me I told the doctor doing the iv in my hand to do it in my left after much experience knowing my right doesn’t work well. Does it in my right despite this and then takes it out to put it in my left when he realises I was right 🙄. My “big” baby was 6lb 14oz. Reported it all and the hospital deemed that my induction not only wasn’t medically unnecessary but there had been no reason for me not to have gone into labour naturally. The registrar was also made to resign and more seminars were put in place to educate doctors into consent and not coercing pregnant women into medical procedures.

The whole ordeal was traumatising to the point my husband wasn’t sure he wanted to have another baby after our first. Our son is almost five and my husband still gets upset when he remembers it. We did have a second and during that time I did go to therapy and I prepared myself in case things happens the same way. It didn’t and because I had talked to the the consultant midwife and the head of midwifery they ensured it didn’t. I had a much better birth with my second and way better care.

I wish I’d never read the bloody ‘Active Birth’ book. I completely exhausted myself by trying to move and stay active, for 40 hours with a back to back baby. I should have rested. Plus the NCT ‘all drugs are evil’ crap they spout. Wish I’d had an epidural to be honest. Ended up with multiple interventions anyway. And a lovely episiotomy.

I agree with you op - birth is brutal for a lot of women and sadly when we try to share our stories it's brushed off as "exaggerating" or "scaremongering" or is somehow our fault for not being more prepared/assertive/whatever. Fwiw I felt like I was dying in my first labour and ended up with a 3rd degree tear that needed patching up under general anesthetic and hemorrhaging 3.5 litres of blood. The pain was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. For my second I had an ELCS and can highly recommend - pain-free delivery, calm, controlled and quick! Sure, recovery does hurt but nothing like what I experienced in labour.

Oh and I did have a birth plan with my first- the midwife laughed when I told her and didn't even look at it. "The plan is to get that baby out" she said and that was that.

It’s my first birth too and one of the first things I was told by my midwife at the hospital is if the pain isn’t manageable then it doesn’t matter what stage you are at you can go in and get pain relief. That option, however, isn’t available at local midwife units.

And you believed her? Dc1 was back to back and labour started after my waters broke. I've never felt pain like it but the hospital didn't want to know. I was sent home 3 times before finally being admitted to the Midwife led unit attached to the hospital (our hospital only lets you on the labour ward if you're being induced, augmented, trying for a vbac or have some other health reason as to why they need to an eye on you...wanting better drugs won't cut it). Paracetamol made zero difference to my contractions. Around 60 hours into my labour (heading towards 70 since my waters broke) they admitted I had an issue and admitted me to the labour ward. I still wasn't given anything stronger than gas & air though. I finally got a working epidural which helped a bit with the pain at full dilation because ds was sideways at that point. He was eventually delivered 81 hours after my waters broke by emcs following failed forceps and 2 hours of pushing. I had a psychotic break not helped by the hallunications I had during surgery and he went to NICU.

For comparison purposes, I got up as soon as my legs worked and got dressed. I had zero drugs on the postnatal ward and was walking on my own to NICU within 24 hours following my section. It just didn't hurt compared the agony I'd gone through in labour.

Dc1 is almost 5. I'm still under the adult mental health team despite being in a much better place and successfully managing to have another baby (also by emcs) without losing my mind. What I went through and the baggage from my past that labouring with dc1 brought back is constantly at the back of my mind.

I'm not sure why you thought it would be like a bad period pain. Labour hurts but it's only for a limited time and you get a wonderful child at the end. They do not admit unless extenuating circumstances before 3cm (this isn't an nhs thing, it was the same in the USA where I gave birth - tried both systems).

The best solutions is remain mobile and rock on a birthing ball, it really works! Lying down (which you have to for pain relief ) is the worst position.

Perhaps hypnotherapy could be helpful? Its not for everyone but I know people who swore by it for childbirth

Ps c-sections come with complications too, my friend has had to have 2 follow up surgeries following an elective section ... read up, informed consent requires you to be informed about the negatives

@stucknoue "I'm not sure why you thought it would be like a bad period pain". Because that's how early labour was described by the midwives in the antenatal classes. Why wouldn't I believe the people who dealt with childbirth every day?

ah Zigzagzzz your not on your own lovey. DD2 was about nine months when i started to have flahbacks over her shit birth. I remember i started crying to a complete stranger at baby group when she asked me how the birth was and that was was really the first time i actually realised i had been fucking traumatised.

There really should be more aftercare for post natal women and a debrief for those who want one. NHS is just tick list now and unfortunately women are expected to just put up and shut up.

It is terrible how women are treated and ignored. If you do go for a debrief will it give the answers. I am just thinking that the midwife is not going to write down ignored patient for hours, ignored any requests for pain relief. When I finally bother to pop in the patient was already pushig. I'm not sure if it would anger me more the lies they would have to write down.