aibu to cancel birthday party?

[kabocha]

DS is soon to be ten. He was writing party invitations today.

When I went to pour squash at dinner, thad premade jug chilling in the fridge was empty. I asked who had finished it as they should have refilled it rather than return an empty jug. Much lying, but it had to be him as DH out and DD can't reach. Not a huge deal but we discussed the importance of not lying.

Roll on to clean up. I'm dishing up dessert when I can hear DD laughing/crying. Return to see table COVERED in pepper. DD can't work the mill, so it had to have been DS. He lied and lied. I told him to go and get ready for bed. He then reluctantly said it had been him.

I've explained there will be no party while I can't trust him. It was to be a sleepover. I don't see how I can have other kids here while DS can't be trusted. What if something happened and he lied?

There is a niggle though that I'm being harsh. AIBU?

On those examples, you seem quite harsh really
It's his birthday!

I think a warning first, then no party, or a warning then he has to have a parents supervising the whole time.

The punishment doesn't fit the misdemeanor. Do you think all the kids who have birthday parties don't lie to their parents?

That’s harsh for what’s been done. It’s a birthday, it comes once a year and it is special. Take away some sort of electronic or put limits on stuff or no treats until he behaves but to cancel a birthday sleepover? Way too hard on him I think.

Jees you are harsh!! I'd hate to be in his shoes if he does anything serious! Remember if you pull out the big guns for little things you will run out of punishments fairly quickly

Its more the ongoing lies all the time and having to explain repeatedly its not on.

I'm a bit worn out by it.

I do think maybe its a harsh punishment though. Will give it some thought.

Way too harsh!

And stop holding inquisitions over everything. It is no massive big deal for a 10 year old to forget to fill up a jug, and what is the damage? Do you not have an ice tray?

OK he shouldn’t have got pepper everywhere but it was probably an accident.

You sound harsh and as if you are terrorising him.

Cancelling a birthday party is a mega thing to do.

I wouldn't cancel if invites had already gone.

He is probably terrified of telling you the truth!

They are very minor things to punish like that. And he will never learn to be trust worthy if you write him off for an empty jug of juice and a pepper mill. Also maybe it was your DD, and your son just admitted eventually to avoid getting into more trouble, I used to do that with my mum when I was falsely accused but didn’t want to end up in more trouble cos she could never accept she was wrong. YABU

It isn't mega inquisitions? Just lots of no regard for others and unable to trust him.

I take on the feedback though. I'll have a chat with him and explain that the party can go ahead but I do have to be able to trust him.

I'm frightened just reading this. You sound a bit harsh.

I want to add, forgetting to fill the jug is such a minor thing that I think you probably overreact to most things. I’m an adult, sometimes I put an empty water bottle or milk bottle back into the fridge. I wouldn’t appreciate being scolded the way you have your son. He’s a kid and he forgot. I’m not surprised he’s lying if your reaction is like this. I’m wondering if the other constant lying is other petty things that kids do and a simple telling off and being told why it’s wrong is enough and if it isn’t they can go and sit somewhere and think about their behaviour or lose an item. I do it with mine, she’s a kid and I don’t expect her to suddenly always do as she is told, it’s a journey and a long one at that I imagine.

He’s lying because he is scared of your (over) reaction.

You are making really small issues into huge Ones and as such he is worried you will punish him. Kids don’t work through that a lie will get a bigger punishment they just lie to avoid the first one

Don’t be the kind if mum who makes your kid feel like he’s on trial on his own home

If an adult forgot to fill the jug would you berate them so heavily?
Have you never forgotten to fill the jug or split some pepper?

Go and apologise and draw a line under it all.

Your kid needs to trust you as much you’re trust him .

You need to pick s suitable punishment for lying. Eg no TV. Inform ds of the punishment. Then next time he lies carry out the punishment.
Cancelling his birthday party because it is an easy thing to take away from him is way over the top and lazy parenting.

What's all this shit about trust? It's a fucking jug of juice, stop ruling with an iron fist and the child might actually tell you the truth.

I consider myself pretty strict with my DCs, OP, and even I think this is harsh.

Do you think he's lying because you massively overreact to any inconsequential thing? Also are you absolutely sure your youngest cannot work the pepper?
Anyway carry on as you are and reap your just rewards in the near future.

Wow, stop treating your child like an adult that should already know all this. Every single time he does something wrong you seem to go straight to guilt tripping him and making him feel crap about himself, sometimes it’s warranted but him forgetting to fill the jug doesn’t really impact your life and so saying how he had affected the whole family by this one tiny action is ridiculous.

You’re frightened?!

Do you also scream if there’s no organic eggs like a Catherine Tate sketch?

Right call OP. He’s lying and taking the piss.

No sleepover. He can invite a few friends over for a pizza for 2 hours.

Ir is harsh because it is unfair. If he had committed the same offence at any other time of the year he would not lose his birthday aprty. So d on;t use it now because it happens to coincide with him lying. Pick a punishment or consequence tht you can use all year round. Losing privileges etc.

Throwing pepper around was silly and I'd have made him clear it up thoroughly and refill the pepper pot (and if I was feeling mean make him buy more pepper for being wasteful)
The squash I wouldn't see as a problem -it sounds a bit like you make rather a big deal over nothing - holding a 'who finished the squash' inquisition is quite likely to lead to lying - because it is a total non event amd you made it sound like something serious. Do you have a lot of rules for everything that are hard for a child to follow? That will lead to lying. I would lighten up a bit.
If it is terribly important that the squash is replenished, then when I found it empty I'd just generally say ' if you finish off the squash can you remember to refill it please kids - thanks'

He panicked and lied about some squash - that doesn't make him an international fraudster in the making. Try praising and encouraging truth telling rather than focussing on the lies. (And you encourage truth by not handing out draconian punishments for minor offences)

The jug thing is nothing. A total normal white lie to avoid trouble. The pepper thing is annoying but again just something kids do. I would say I didnt like that. Not nice to lie to anyone especially your mum.....importance of trust etc. But think u also have to consider why he is lying. Do you consider the jug and the pepper big offences. Maybe I am wrong but I would just see it as another minor annoyance in my day. Like leaving washing on the floor. The jug is thoughtless and the pepper mill too hard to resist playing with and easy to clean up. If you were like to have went off on one about it then I think maybe your parenting style makes him naturally want to lie. In any event if he is other wise a good kid and a few white lies and putting an empty jug in the fridge and pepper on the table are your biggest concerns.... then consider him a nice boy u to be doing a good job raising him and through him a birthday party. I always want to consider the memory made too. Will it be remembered/important in 10 years time that he did those thing or will it be remembered he was considered so naughty at 10 he didnt get a party.

if you finish off the squash can you remember to refill it please kids - thanks'

That’s exactly how I would handle it. My kid isn’t old enough to make jugs of juice for example but, if she leaves some wrapper on the sofa I don’t have a go at her, I just ask her to put it in the bin and try to remember not to leave rubbish lying around. Simple. I usually get a “sorry mum” then she puts it in the bin and the day carries on, funny enough, she doesn’t tend to lie and if she does spill something she tends to come to me and let me know. Then I’ll help clean it up.

Cancelling the party is harsh.

I can't decide if he's lying because he's scared of your reactions. The jug thing is annoying, I'd just say "oh ds next time please fill the jug" if you knew it was him anyway. No need for the inquisition.

Give him a chance this week to "earn" his part back if you don't want to lose face.

You need to find something else to expend your energy on. You sound like some intense micro manager. Punishments must be proportionate to work. Clearly he's avoiding fessing up because your reaction seems over the top.