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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to cancel birthday party?

123 replies

kabocha · 03/11/2019 18:45

DS is soon to be ten. He was writing party invitations today.

When I went to pour squash at dinner, thad premade jug chilling in the fridge was empty. I asked who had finished it as they should have refilled it rather than return an empty jug. Much lying, but it had to be him as DH out and DD can't reach. Not a huge deal but we discussed the importance of not lying.

Roll on to clean up. I'm dishing up dessert when I can hear DD laughing/crying. Return to see table COVERED in pepper. DD can't work the mill, so it had to have been DS. He lied and lied. I told him to go and get ready for bed. He then reluctantly said it had been him.

I've explained there will be no party while I can't trust him. It was to be a sleepover. I don't see how I can have other kids here while DS can't be trusted. What if something happened and he lied?

There is a niggle though that I'm being harsh. AIBU?

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 03/11/2019 19:54

OP I think you're getting a hard time here.

Leaving aside the punishment part, I really do get the frustration element of lying & not being able to trust them. I've struggled with this too. I am quite strict also, but I really hate telling lies, especially when that's that's been explained a few times

Back to punishment. I get why you might want to cancel the party but like others, it's too harsh. Find another consequence and make it clear that when they behave properly, they get positive consequences etc.

JenniferM1989 · 03/11/2019 19:54

You don't need to build trust with anyone over a jug of squash or spilled pepper! If you're going to be so harsh on him over such little things, he'll feel he can't tell you the truth over big things. You're creating a fear in him. You knew it was him so all you had to say was make sure he doesn't put an empty jug back and to be careful with the pepper in future. To make him confess fully to such little things is going to make him a nervous wreck

elesbells · 03/11/2019 19:55

Lying is pretty normal at his age. He also knows punishment...and to be fair, putting an empty juice jug back in the fridge is normal for kids too..you overreact so he lies to avoid the aggro. I’d lie too if you made such a big issue over the tiniest of things. My dp still puts empty stuff back in the fridge/cupboards. It happens..

Breathlessness · 03/11/2019 19:56

What are you going to do when he actually does something wrong?

ColaFreezePop · 03/11/2019 19:57

OP he's lying because he's frightened of you.

Don't be that parent.

My mother would lose her shit over minor things and the punishment didn't fit the misdemeanor. She would then go on about it for months. As she was so volitile I didn't trust her from age 12 onwards.

On the other hand do the same thing with my father around would result in a tut or look, I know I would have to clear it up then make appropriate amends there and then. Nothing more would then be said.

XXcstatic · 03/11/2019 19:59

Lying is pretty normal at his age

At all ages. Adults are so hypocritical about this - they lie just as much as children, they're just better at it.

wanderings · 03/11/2019 19:59

I'm another one who lied and covered things up as a child, because I was afraid of my parents' reaction to minor things. Also I didn't ask for help when I needed it, for the same reason. I too remember being "interrogated" a lot of the time by my mum.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 20:04

Like MrOnion my life was full of blame, accusations and bullying. My self esteem was through the floor. She constantly judged me. This all resulted in me pretending even to myself that I hadn’t done something even when I had. It was the only way I could function.

She made one particular incident into the worst betrayal ever but in reality it wasn’t even a particularly bad something. It took me until my 40’s before I could admit it to myself let alone anyone else.

Needless to say, I also had clinical depression and was badly badly damaged and also lived in a state of perpetual fear. I didn’t so much lie to others as totally refuse to see the truth. Having had a ton of therapy I have healed a lot. But will never be the person I could have become.

What you are describing is how my mother was with me, constantly. Your son is trying to tell you he cannot cope with your behaviour and you’re not listening. Because you think the most important thing is to ADMIT THE TRUTH when actually the most important thing is to allow your children to make mistakes.

As for cancelling his party. Bloody hell, that is really cruel. I’m pretty angry you could even think to do this when you have trained your son to lie. In essence, you need to start looking at yourself, not at your son to identify the cause of his behaviour.

SecretNutellaFix · 03/11/2019 20:06

Losing his birthday celebration is a bit of an over-reaction.

So he forgot to re-fill the squash jug before putting it back in the fridge. Fine. HE does without squash for the rest of the day, you make it as needed for yourself and his younger sibling. When he whines- and he WILL, you remind him that he would have been having squash if he had done what he was supposed to and refilled the empty.

The pepper being ground all over the table? HE cleans it all up and then gets to vacuum around the table to make sure he's got
everything and then he refills the pepper.

Reactions need to be a consequence of bad behaviour.

Namechangeoflife · 03/11/2019 20:12

He’s lying because he is scared of your (over) reaction.
Agree with this.

Kitchendiscodiva · 03/11/2019 20:12

DS is soon to be ten. He was writing party invitations today. I've explained there will be no party while I can't trust him.
Unbelievable. Poor kid.

Notodontidae · 03/11/2019 20:13

If I had said a DC can have something, I never renege on what I've said as that makes me a liar. I find other means of discipline. It is also unfair on his friends, and friends’ parents, who may have already made arrangements to ensure they are free for the day. The Squash and the pepper incident are a little immature, and of course he should not lie, even if he thinks it's all a joke. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that his lying is not acceptable, and that this time, as it is his BD, you will let it go, however, any other incidents will be dealt with severely. E.g. Early to bed, or loss of privileges such as games, TV, computer, phone etc.

Josette77 · 03/11/2019 20:15

He's lying because he's scared of you.

sunnyshowers · 03/11/2019 20:17

These are not crimes id punish for. I mean id say "cop on and clean that pepper up" then "thanks" after. As for the water...naa its tiny.
Why are you feeling so harsh ? Its almost like you dont want a party

Notodontidae · 03/11/2019 20:21

There is another tact, that I always stuck to, some PPs have mentioned it, and others may disagree. I never punished a DC who told me the truth when I asked. I told all my DCs the same. My point was that sometimes I knew and couldn't prove it, and sometimes I never knew until I was told. I felt better knowing the truth, because even if I didn't act at that time, I knew what had taken place, and thus able to deal with it in a much more mature way.

Solihooley · 03/11/2019 20:22

Really Harsh. And who has a jug of squash ‘chilling in the fridge’ that must be refilled anyway? It all sounds a bit anal to me.

Heldupwithscaffolding · 03/11/2019 20:22

Poor kids , it must be like treading on eggshells. OP you need to lighten up seriously

Thetirednessisreal · 03/11/2019 20:24

Do you not like your son? The examples aren’t even bad you obviously have him scared of you

onetwothreemore · 03/11/2019 20:27

Hi OP
I can understand your frustration but lying is not such a bad thing at this age. We all did it when we were children. In fact, lying at this age about minor things is a good thing it shows creativity to come up with stories how it wasn't you or how it happened. Don't be so harsh on yourself and your children. Pick your fights and don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

PepePig · 03/11/2019 20:27

You sound incredibly harsh and obsessive about really quite non important details. Plenty of grown adults wouldn't think to refill a juice jug... And a bit of pepper on the table? Just ask him to clean it up.

You sound like a bundle of laughs, anyway...

Lolapusht · 03/11/2019 20:33

YABVU! Listen to your niggle...waaaaay harsh!! If he finishes the jug of juice then he makes some more. If he spills pepper on the table he cleans it up. Lying is a normal part of development, what you need to help him with is his communication and giving him extreme punishments for lying (and then telling the truth which I assume he does as otherwise how do you know he’s lied...so in effect he gets punished for telling the truth?!) is not going to make him want to tell you anything. Trust is a choice OP and you’re choosing not to trust him. He doesn’t need to earn your trust, your his parent so you show him you love him and listen to him and if his behaviour falls short of what is expected you tell him that without shaming him then you go off and work out why he’s doing it then find a solution. Is he going to be allowed Christmas or is that also optional?

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 03/11/2019 20:36

The punishment does not fit the crime
Not that there was a crime. You are way over the top

pictish · 03/11/2019 20:40

You don’t cancel a kid’s birthday party over lying about playing with the pepper mill or finishing the juice! Jesus!

Plus of course, harsh punishments over such minor transgressions don’t mean he’ll stop lying, it just means he’ll get really fucking good at it.

Chill your tits Septa!

ddl1 · 03/11/2019 20:44

I think it's way too severe a punishment. I would simply have insisted that he clean up his own mess, before he was allowed to do anything else. But cancelling a birthday party for a relatively minor offence is going over the top, and may be frightening him into lying.

Pukkatea · 03/11/2019 20:49

OP, my own mum was very strict with me in this sort of way and it really didn't give me any benefit and just made me resent her. Telling me off and handing out punishments for not filling up a jug (water filter in my case) was classic her. Loosen the reins a bit and you will find your home time much more enjoyable, nuisance kid pranks and all.

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