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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to cancel birthday party?

123 replies

kabocha · 03/11/2019 18:45

DS is soon to be ten. He was writing party invitations today.

When I went to pour squash at dinner, thad premade jug chilling in the fridge was empty. I asked who had finished it as they should have refilled it rather than return an empty jug. Much lying, but it had to be him as DH out and DD can't reach. Not a huge deal but we discussed the importance of not lying.

Roll on to clean up. I'm dishing up dessert when I can hear DD laughing/crying. Return to see table COVERED in pepper. DD can't work the mill, so it had to have been DS. He lied and lied. I told him to go and get ready for bed. He then reluctantly said it had been him.

I've explained there will be no party while I can't trust him. It was to be a sleepover. I don't see how I can have other kids here while DS can't be trusted. What if something happened and he lied?

There is a niggle though that I'm being harsh. AIBU?

OP posts:

crustycrab · 03/11/2019 22:44

Poor kid

PJ67 · 03/11/2019 22:45

I think you are being unreasonable. I have 3 boys and if I had to punish them every time one of them told a white lie they would never be doing anything.

BarcelonaFreddie · 03/11/2019 23:01

OP has disappeared... funny that.
Should you still be reading - let the kid have his party; do the right thing. 🎉

RomaineCalm · 03/11/2019 23:06

Instead of stopping him lying think about how you can encourage him to tell the truth. My DC always knew that they would be in far less trouble for telling the truth than they would if they lied to me.

Even now they will come out of school and tell me if they have been in trouble. They know that I would prefer to know and we can talk about it - if they hide it and I find out they will be in trouble at home as well.

He's old enough to have that conversation. Next time he does something and tells the truth praise him for it - 'thank you for being honest, it's only juice, please could you go and fill up the jug'; 'I appreciate you being honest, now get a cloth and let's wipe the pepper off the table'.

It sounds quite trite written down but long term you want him to be able to talk to you and be honest - stop punishing the lies and reward the times when he tells the truth.

Dieu · 03/11/2019 23:09

Ooh, I wouldn't do it OP. If anything, it will seriously discourage him from telling the truth in future.

Chloemol · 03/11/2019 23:32

For goodness sake, he’s 9. A child. One who is going to grow up scared of you, not telling you anything in case he gets told off, you need to get some perspective here

You knew it must have been him not refilling the squash, just remind him to do it, why go off on one on something so pathetic? N9 wonder he lied, he’s scared. As to the pepper, he was playing with his sister, get him to clear up the mess and move on

Children need to feel secure and safe at hone, he doesn’t because of you and your harsh behaviour over simple matters, so he lied because he knew what your reaction would be. I would hate to be there if something really serious happened

If you treat him with kindness you may just find the lying stop

Chloemol · 03/11/2019 23:34

And let him have his party, he will remember this when he is older. Continue as you are and don’t expect any relationship when he gets older

NWQM · 03/11/2019 23:48

Sorry if this has already been said but we had / have an issue with our son (also 10) lying. We were given one piece of advice that has helped - stop testing him. You say it must have been him who did not do the juice so why even ask who do it? You are just setting yourself up for an unreasonable situation as the consequence seems harsh for not doing the job but really you want to address the lying.

As he is 10 I'd be telling him. You really are concerned that he will do something daft at the sleep over and are rethinking it. He has lost your trust by lying twice in one day. If he things so little of you that he won't be honest why should you go to the work of the sleep over. Let him have a couple of days to think about it and show you that he can succeed and the sleep over can go ahead.

nomoreclue · 04/11/2019 06:23

God he’s just a kid. They all lie but they definitely lie if they have a parent like you. You need help. Now. Go see a counsellor trainer in parenting and anger management. There’s something wrong with you. Do you have any sense of humour at all? You’re terrorising your kids. A jug of juice? Is this a piss take? If it’s true you shouldn’t be spending time on here posting you should be spending your time googling professionals who can help you and apologising to your poor kid about the way you treat him. Sort yourself out OP. If you carry on like this your kids will leave home the minute they can and they’ll want nothing more to do with you. So sure go ahead and ruin his 10th birthday and see how that comes back on you years down the line. He’s already writing out his invitations! You’re a piss poor parent and should be ashamed of yourself.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/11/2019 22:07

@nomoreclue what in the name of God is wrong with you? Offer your opinion but don't harass & judge the OP like that. How can you decide she has 'something wrong' with her & needs counselling, based on one anecdote?

IAmMumWho · 06/11/2019 22:20

You're not in the wrong at all.

My kids had their Halloween party cancelled due to months and months of misbehaving at school and at home, constant lies, bullying, damages to school property. My son once accused a dinner lady of smacking his bottom, the lady almost lost her job, took weeks for my son to admit the truth, school were investigating this. Being seen hitting other children including his own sister and just saying 'wasnt me' my kids are almost 6.

Children need to know what's right and what's wrong and its OUR job as their parent to teach this.

I'm not bothered what other people say or if you post. The OP needs to stick to her guns. No party means no party. Until her child can behave and stop the lies she needs to stand her ground.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2019 22:30

@IAmMumWho

There's a bit of a difference playing with a pepper mill and what your children did!
(Although also not 'normal' bad behaviour so I'd want to look into it much further and not just cancel a party!)

AnybodyWantAChip · 06/11/2019 23:18

All kids lie. It's part of growing up. It's going to be a long and miserable road for both of you if you react like this everyone he lies.

Whatdoingmummy · 06/11/2019 23:25

YABU

Don't sweat the small stuff.

UndertheCedartree · 06/11/2019 23:29

You are being extremely harsh! You are going to ruin his birthday over some squash and some pepper??

I wonder if he feels the need to lie as the punishments are so harsh?

stophuggingme · 06/11/2019 23:32

I feel sorry for your kids.
Chill out.

UndertheCedartree · 06/11/2019 23:34

@Iammumwho - but your harsh punishments clearly don't work as you have 'months and months of bad behaviour'. How about treating them kindly and see if that helps change their behaviour? In my opinion a child doesn't come out with so and so 'smacking their bottom' from nowhere. That child is probably being hit at home.

Aaarrgghhh · 07/11/2019 08:24

UndertheCedartree I agree, no wonder her kids are so naughty for months on end, what’s the point when any little thing will lose something that doesn’t even happen often. Pick a punishment and stick with it, one that can be used for everyday.

HappyMom1970 · 07/11/2019 09:30

My child doesn't get his bottom smacked. How dare you.

DeathStare · 07/11/2019 09:50

My child doesn't get his bottom smacked. How dare you.

@HappyMom 1970 Eh?????

FrenchJunebug · 07/11/2019 10:19

oh my work you are harsh. Have you never forgotten to refill something?! never dropped pepper, salt or pasta on the floor and on the table? Poor kid he must be terrified to tell you anything.

doublebarrellednurse · 07/11/2019 13:53

He's 10 years old, do you really expect complete transparency from him especially if his punishments for minor infractions are so extreme? Of course he's going to avoid it.

myrtleWilson · 07/11/2019 19:45

Did you rethink OP?

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