aibu to cancel birthday party?

[kabocha]

DS is soon to be ten. He was writing party invitations today.

When I went to pour squash at dinner, thad premade jug chilling in the fridge was empty. I asked who had finished it as they should have refilled it rather than return an empty jug. Much lying, but it had to be him as DH out and DD can't reach. Not a huge deal but we discussed the importance of not lying.

Roll on to clean up. I'm dishing up dessert when I can hear DD laughing/crying. Return to see table COVERED in pepper. DD can't work the mill, so it had to have been DS. He lied and lied. I told him to go and get ready for bed. He then reluctantly said it had been him.

I've explained there will be no party while I can't trust him. It was to be a sleepover. I don't see how I can have other kids here while DS can't be trusted. What if something happened and he lied?

There is a niggle though that I'm being harsh. AIBU?

Don't cancel his birthday celebration.
Just tell him the story about the boy who cried wolf.

Seriously unclench OP. You are storing up huge problems for your children otherwise.

It's a bit much.

I was a habitual liar as a child, but was never punished that severely.

Agree with others that a TV ban or perhaps extra cleaning chores/help preparing the drinks and table for dinner for X days may be better. It's directly related to the lie then as well, so he can see how easy it is to come clean and rectify a problem rather than lying about it

Try looking for his positives praise good behaviour and give bad behaviour the attention it deserves. Neither crime requires the punishment you’ve given. Sounds like a 10 year old boy being silly (pepper) and not thinking (jug) perhaps he did tell fibs but you sound quite overbearing. Try being a bit more laid back your child might relax if he feels you won’t fly of the handle and he will enjoy praise for the good and nice things he does instead, I have 4 boys so well practised on silliness etc

It every harsh. It’s just a jug of juice and the fact he lied shows he is scared of the reaction if he tells the truth. He forgot to refill juice, it’s no big deal. He’s just a child.

You need to stop overreacting to minor things.

I think you need to look at your own behaviour, not your sons. He sounds scared of you.

Goodness, it sounds as if your son has commited a crime. I agree with others...it was only a jug of juice. It is hardly worth bothering about, your child will grow up to be very frightened of you unless you change your ways. Unbelievable really.

Any wonder he tells lies, you sound terrifying. I wouldn't want to tell you I forgot to refill a jug either.

You sound as if you're more concerned about the lying than the behaviour. It reminds me of my DF, who'd punish us very harshly for quite petty misdemeanours if we were caught out fibbing about them, even though they were often so trivial we'd genuinely forgotten. We were good kids, and the only thing we learnt was that our dad could lose his mind over stupid shit. Don't be that person.

I'd spend half my life on my own if my house was this strict. Both my husband and son would have to be punished every day and both are actually pretty darn fine people if this sort of behaviour gets a party cancelled.

I used to lie all the time as a child as i was terrified of my ridiculously strict and aggressive parents' response to accidents/misbehaviour/the truth. Their approach has massively contributed to my severe clinical depression, anxiety utterly shit self esteem and my various Psychs (ologist/iatrist/iatric Nurse) are convinced it's also a big contributing factor to my BPD. Living the first 16 years of your life, or until you are lucky enough to escape, in a state of perpetual fear and anxiety isn't something you can, in my experience, recover from. Yes i am projecting but please go easy on your son. My parents were 100% the reason i learned to lie from age 5 onwards until i became so good at it i sometimes forgot about the truth entirely.

And most kids would play with pepper grinders.

Yes it was naughty but you've overreacted.

Absolutely this: It is harsh because it is unfair. If he had committed the same offence at any other time of the year he would not lose his birthday party

I couldn’t , in all honesty, get that worked up about a jug of juice and pepper.

Cleaning the pepper up would have been punishment enough.

Is your child scared of you?

i think if you cancel somethig like a birthday party it will cause worse ramifications for you in terms of his feelings towards you and then behaviour.canceling a birthday is a no no i think when they are growing up.dont know why there is just some golden rule behind it.
but i get this isnt a one off and your getting fed up.so pick other things to do instead.
firstly have the no chat,e honest,dont be scared ashamed as long as he tells the truth you can sort it talk.lying always makes it worse etc etc.
then punishments...everytime there will be 10 minutes off hi internet usage?
no footie next week?
no tv time.
a chore.etc etc.
but keep comunicating the no lying thing
kids tell those sort of lies (most often) because they are scared,ashamed,rabbit in headlights.not because they are inherently bad and trying to decieve you.

Throwing pepper around was silly and I'd have made him clear it up thoroughly and refill the pepper pot (and if I was feeling mean make him buy more pepper for being wasteful)

This is much more appropriate a consequence than the loss of a birthday party.

Good grief, poor kid, these are pretty usual childhood pranks, give him a break please

Neither of those examples are anything I would have punished my children over beyond asking them to do what they were supposed to. So fill up the job and clear up the pepper. Maybe he lies because you go over the top? Do you normally react that way to quite trivial things? My DH would never remember to fill up a jug after using it although I don't think he would pour pepper over the table although my 4 year old GD might if the pepper mill had a handle.

Cancelling a birthday party is a big thing and I would never do that without a warning. I think you need to ask yourself why he lied to you and maybe he is frightened of your reaction. Send him to bed early, take away computer or tv privileges and make him clear up the mess and having a chat about lying would be a good idea too. Ask him why he lied.

You sound terrifying. Way over the top. Your DS must be scared of you. Carry on like this, cancel the party etc and he can hate you and go NC when he’s older. Vile

Lying is 100% normal behaviour. Most adults lie every day - it is a necessary part of social interaction.

It is totally logical to a 10 year old mind for your DS to lie in this scenario because he is scared of your reaction. Cancelling his party because of something so normal is an absurd over-reaction and borders on EA. Are you always this controlling?

You would cancel your boy's birthday party for those things? Wow, just wow.
I'd lie to you too. You'd scare the living daylights out of me.

You are not seriously thinking of cancelling his own birthday party because of this? That child will end up not trusting and resenting you very, very soon.

Omg are you serious? Have you even considered the detrimental effect your reactions are having on your children?

If you think an empty jug and spilt pepper warrant the cancellation of a birthday party you are extremely unhinged.

God help you when they are teenagers

“Ir is harsh because it is unfair. If he had committed the same offence at any other time of the year he would not lose his birthday aprty. So d on;t use it now because it happens to coincide “

This.

I don’t know how you can even consider cancelling a ^birthday party* over such minor things.

I actually thought this was a joke when I first read it. In case it’s not, I agree with everyone else.