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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that while bringing uninvited children to a party is rude, this mother's response is HARDCORE

658 replies

thedevilwithbarty · 03/11/2019 12:23

So there has been a bit of an issue lately at our local primary (the one my kids went to, they're teens now but it's a small community, so we still know a lot of people there) with people bringing additional kids (siblings) to parties and it's perceived as quite cheeky, especially when they're left and hosting parents expected to supervise and feed kids they didn't invite.

There was a whole-class party at a leisure centre last weekend at which the hosting mum had done little lunch boxes for each child with the usual - rolls, fairy cakes, fruit, veg sticks, crisps etc. There were unfortunately several uninvited siblings dumped by their parents at the start of the party.

If I were the hosting parent and I knew this wa likely to happen, I would have either put a note on the invitation that I was catering for the children individually, so please do NOT bring additional children, or brought a few extra boxes of food - I'd be pissed off at the cheekiness, but I wouldn't see a child go hungry.

This mum had brought a little bin with a sign on it saying "Yuck Bin" with a vomiting emoji Shock which she passed around for all the children to put the items they didn't like from their food boxes. Then the uninvited siblings were allowed to take food from the Yuck Bin.

I wasn't there, obviously, but I have heard via friends that one of the mothers of the additional children flipped out at the end of the party when she was told by her child about how he was fed. There was a bit of a scene and the birthday child was upset. I can see her point tbh - she's a rude cow for dumping her children wholesale without asking first, but the hosting mum's way of dealing with it was horrible. AIBU to think that nobody has behaved very well here?

OP posts:
Howyiz · 03/11/2019 16:37

What did the CF extra kid dropping parent say?
As others have said I doubt the party mum intended the food bin to go to extra guests because there shouldn't be any extra guests. She obviously didn't make extra food and so gave what she could in the circumstances.
The only person who should be ashamed is the cf mother. If you don't want your children to be singled out for less favourable treatment don't put them in that position.

Original poster
thedevilwithbarty · 03/11/2019 16:39

OMG lots of responses while I was out shopping! Shock

The version I was given (from a friend who was at the party with her invited children, and whom I consider reliable) was that the host mum did indeed offer the actual bin to the extra kids to help themselves from. Hence complaint from uninvited DC and CF mum at the end, that DC was "made to eat out of a bin". it was a new, clean bin made for the purpose though, not a skanky used one! Food in the yuck bin was mostly rolls wrapped in cling film, crisps, carrot and pepper sticks in little bags etc.

I agree if she had just put out the "yuck" food on a plate first it would have been fine. But she didn't.

OP posts:
Trafalger · 03/11/2019 16:41

When did this dropping off siblings shit start? I have a very big age gap between my 2 and I am just starting the party thing again. Do I really now have to state "no siblings please" on the invitation???

Surely just writing "dear harry, please come to my party love sally" is enough for people to realise is Harry invited and not bloody Tom and Dick his brothers as well! Fucking hell this is beyond cheeky fuckery.

I wont have the food spare for my childs party so if any siblings stay they will have to go hungry! I'm similar to the OPs one and it is pre-prepared boxes. And I was going to do the exact amount for the children invited.

Letseatgrandma · 03/11/2019 16:42

Maybe the cheeky parents using this as free childcare for their other children will think twice next time!

SoupDragon · 03/11/2019 16:44

So they were offered wrapped food from what was basically a clean box.

MrsJBaptiste · 03/11/2019 16:45

I think the host mother has actually behaved far worse than the CF who left uninvited kids at the party. It's an absolute fundamental rule that adults should be kind to children

Said by CFs who dump their uninvited siblings at parties...

Bigbigboots · 03/11/2019 16:48

I wouldn't have given them anything. I wouldn't have acknowledged them. In what world is it okay to attend a party you weren't invited to and expect to get fed and get a party bag. The cheek of the mother who complained. The party her kids weren't invited to wasn't good enough! F off out of it. What she should have said is 'thanks for letting my uninvited kids stay. Sorry for my rudeness'.

WombatChocolate · 03/11/2019 16:54

Hosts need to man-up with clear ‘Sorry - no space for siblings’ on invitation and having someone on door duty with a list to prevent anyone doing a sneaky drop off of siblings. It IS possible to prevent this happening.

Prob best to not do ‘yuck bin’ regardless of sibling issue. Unwanted food is unwanted food, not ‘yuck’. Fine to say that if anyone doesn’t want something that someone else might like to put it on a plate or similar - just wrapped or whole items - so no loose carrot sticks, but fine for a cupcake or a packet of crisps etc. That plate can be extras for anyone who fancies it - or often adults actually.

If I’d found uninvited children I wouldn’t have had spare food for them. Yes, it wouldn’t be those children’s fault but if tgeee wasn’t good, there wouldn’t be good. I never did individual boxes but plates of communal food so actually an odd extra one could be covered - I’d have no compunction in telling parent at pick-up ‘I’m sorry but we hadn’t catered for X, just the children who were invited, so you might find they are a bit hungry now’ - and definitely no party bag for the uninvited.

If you’re happy to have siblings, say so, either on invitation or to the specific families you want to include....them cater for them. If not, be clear about it and then don’t cater for them and definitely look to make sure siblings are taken away and not left. More of an issue at pay per head parties in particular.

holidays987 · 03/11/2019 17:04

I had a note on invite. Still, two siblings turned up. One has already gone in the soft play before I realised they were there and the father vanished. The second, I said (also to a dad.. mum wasn't there) oh it's really just those invited as we've catered specifically and paid per child. He say the sibling would just sit in the corner of the room and wait then...
I ended up paying extra to accommodate as we didn't get any no-shows. The father didn't even thank us.
The parents are the CF! Not the hosts, there's no reason the host should adapt to suit the parents who were rude enough not to mention another attendee in advance and ask if it would be ok. In our case they completely ignored the invite!

ExhaustedGrinch · 03/11/2019 17:10

Party mum has done absolutely nothing wrong. She has gone above and beyond what should have been expected of her by entertaining and catering for children who weren't invited. CF has shown herself right up, first by dumping unvited kids on host and then to have the sheer nerve to then complain about the way in which those kids were catered for!

Also I'm surprised at the number of people who have never experienced these party CFs before. Always happens here and people are either sly and dump the kids without saying anything, ask party host as they're entering party with all the kids in tow so party host is put on the spot or makes up some bullshit about childcare letting them down.

SoupDragon · 03/11/2019 17:10

He say the sibling would just sit in the corner of the room and wait then...

He still left them there??

Aridane · 03/11/2019 17:11

I'm sorry but think it's hilarious. With @Brazenhussy0 here

Nonnymum · 03/11/2019 17:12

was the food untouched, if so i think all the mum did wrong was call it a vomit box. Perhaps she just thought it was a joke and always intended to do this, then thought rather than waste the food she could give it to the extra childre, The people who just dumped their children were terrible and put the people running the party in a difficult situation. Why do people do that? Taking oler siblings with you if you are staying at he party with the child is fine but just taking them and leaving them there is not.

Autumnfields · 03/11/2019 17:12

I wasn't there, obviously, but I have heard via friends that one of the mothers of the additional children flipped out at the end of the party when she was told by her child about how he was fed. There was a bit of a scene and the birthday child was upset.

Well the parent of the uninvited child obviously made a real loud scene in front of the birthday girl! Which is pretty awful. Especially considering she as the adult parent started this by dumping a child uninvited.

I think dumping an uninvited child is really seriously awful. You are basically dumping your child. It is awful.

I hate the yuk bin but the parent doing this I imagine had not anticipated that the yuk bin would have to be used for extra kids. If she in any way did anticipate it that’s quite mean to the kids. Either way I’d have taken food out and given it to the kids but tbh when you are running around busy at a kids party you are not responsible for others you did not invite. It’s that simple.

However it is the parent who dumped their child that is the most in the wrong. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Trafalger · 03/11/2019 17:13

I bet these cheeky fuckers don't bring 2 presents or a bigger present either do they?

I am shocked that this seems so rife. I will have to hire a bouncer for the door!

Original poster
thedevilwithbarty · 03/11/2019 17:13

I am quite surprised by the number of people who seem to think the host mum is some sort of legend for doing this! Confused

I do understand that the CFery is frustrating, i've experienced it myself. It's low to take it out on the children though, isn't it? It's not their fault they've been dumped. It won't have been nice for them to have to eat out of the yuck bin in front of their classmates who all had cake and nice stuff. Nobody here thinks it was clever or appropriate, just mean and a bit weird.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 03/11/2019 17:14

I said (also to a dad.. mum wasn't there) oh it's really just those invited as we've catered specifically and paid per child. He say the sibling would just sit in the corner of the room and wait then...
I ended up paying extra to accommodate as we didn't get any no-shows. The father didn't even thank us.

See you went wrong right at the start. As soon as CF father said sibling would sit in the corner of the room, you should have asked "and who's supervising them? " and made it clear they weren't your responsibility, you're not a child minding service. And why on earth did you pay extra? Because you did that this time the CFs will do it again to someone else.

LellyMcKelly · 03/11/2019 17:14

Haha, good for her. People who drop uninvited siblings at parties are the absolute pits. Gold star CFs.

Treesthemovie · 03/11/2019 17:15

The kids shouldn't have been left at the party but it's not ok to degrade kids like that. Dunno how people are justifying someone telling kids to eat out of a bin. There are other options

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/11/2019 17:22

I said (to a dad) oh it's really just those invited as we've catered specifically and paid per child. He say the sibling would just sit in the corner of the room and wait then

Unfortunately that's where you slipped up; the obvious reply would have been "no, that won't work for me", and if he removed both DCs so be it

thedevilwithbarty given your update, I'm wondering if the whole fuss isn't to do with the DM half-realising her CFery and trying to put the blame on someone else. It wouldn't be the first time ...

InsertFunnyUsername · 03/11/2019 17:23

I am quite surprised by the number of people who seem to think the host mum is some sort of legend for doing this!

So am I OP. If she had stood firm and said no extra kids I would be all for it, nothing legendary about not having a backbone and being passive aggressive. But it still boils down to the CF mum for putting her DC in to a situation where they aren't accounted for. Just poor parenting all round IMO. Are the CF parents especially the ones who apparently dont even let the host know about siblings, not worried when they run and dump that no one knows their kid is supposed to be there?

Aragog · 03/11/2019 17:24

in front of their classmates

But was in classmates? or younger/older siblings?

You need to find out if uninvited guests' mum does it again at the next party.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 17:24

It’s really not clear if the mum did this to degrade the siblings. Either way, the siblings must feel crap when their parents dump and run. Or are they so unaware of what their parents are doing?

WombatChocolate · 03/11/2019 17:25

Re the parent who said sibling would sit in corner, the right answer to that was,
‘No sorry, we won’t be able to let that happen. I’ll have to ask you to take him away with you’

And then if parent made excuses about needing to leave them

‘Sorry but he really cannot stay. I’m sorry if it leaves you in a fix but we have organised a party for the invited children and cannot have any extras here’

And if further wheedling persists

‘Sorry he’s your responsibility not ours. Now I need to go and run this party and look after all the invited children.’

And make sure the parent actually leaves with the sibling.

CFs count on you being too embarrassed to say anything. You just need to be polite and clear. If the child cries or whatever, it will be down to the parent to explain that they weren’t invited....it is the parent who has put the child in an upsetting position, not you.

Redrosesandsunsets · 03/11/2019 17:28

Good on the mum. Note to parents: don’t take or dump extra kids at birthday parties. It’s a simple message.