to think that while bringing uninvited children to a party is rude, this mother's response is HARDCORE

[thedevilwithbarty]

So there has been a bit of an issue lately at our local primary (the one my kids went to, they're teens now but it's a small community, so we still know a lot of people there) with people bringing additional kids (siblings) to parties and it's perceived as quite cheeky, especially when they're left and hosting parents expected to supervise and feed kids they didn't invite.

There was a whole-class party at a leisure centre last weekend at which the hosting mum had done little lunch boxes for each child with the usual - rolls, fairy cakes, fruit, veg sticks, crisps etc. There were unfortunately several uninvited siblings dumped by their parents at the start of the party.

If I were the hosting parent and I knew this wa likely to happen, I would have either put a note on the invitation that I was catering for the children individually, so please do NOT bring additional children, or brought a few extra boxes of food - I'd be pissed off at the cheekiness, but I wouldn't see a child go hungry.

This mum had brought a little bin with a sign on it saying "Yuck Bin" with a vomiting emoji which she passed around for all the children to put the items they didn't like from their food boxes. Then the uninvited siblings were allowed to take food from the Yuck Bin.

I wasn't there, obviously, but I have heard via friends that one of the mothers of the additional children flipped out at the end of the party when she was told by her child about how he was fed. There was a bit of a scene and the birthday child was upset. I can see her point tbh - she's a rude cow for dumping her children wholesale without asking first, but the hosting mum's way of dealing with it was horrible. AIBU to think that nobody has behaved very well here?

Sneaking the extra kids the leftovers is one thing, but a 'yuck bin' is extreme. Feeling sorry for the child whose birthday it was too.

@DeathStare
Good solution. Glad you prevented a re-run.

Totally agree with what Mrsbadcrumble said. Yes the offloading parents are being CFs, and yes, putting up with it probably is the reason they do it, but the host just needed to be firm and clear face to face with each parent that it's strictly invite only and no extra children. Just tell them then and stop fannying around! It's their house/ venue, their party, their rules. I agree, it's a cowardly to take it out on the kids to get at the parents, and as I said before it's childish. I honestly feel sorry for the birthday child too being upset at their own party. It's horrible and I wonder if the mum (host) felt happy with herself after...obviously all about her...

One school mum was notorious for turning up with the siblings and leaving them. So we all made sure to have extra..
At my sons party she turned up with two extra kids. Luckily I just delved in party bags and managed to cover them all.
Another party she did this was a pay per head venue.. No on site food, so getting extra wasn't an option. Everyone shared so all was fine there.. But the un invited kids grabbed party bags and left invited kids without one.

Unfortunately it led to her son not being invited to parties anymore.

I can't bear this cheeky fuckery!! Fair play to party mum for still feeding the uninvited children I say! As for extra sibling mum, she put her child in this situation by dumping them somewhere they weren't invited! Rude rude rude to palm off your kids on someone else's party!

The mother who dumped her uninvited children had no right to get upset about this. Those children were left unsupervised and she was neglectful in leaving them there.

I would not have brought any extra food for the children.

I would have said to the children who were dumped. ‘I’m sorry go and find your mum for food’ or told the leisure centre people that there were unsupervised children on the premises. That is a massive responsibility supervising and feeding other people’s children and I would not take it on.

And I have never experienced it either. Parents bringing children to a younger child’s party and remaining there supervising them is different. I have experienced this and it doesn’t really impact the host parents. But I haven’t been to parties where parents pay per head, so uninvited children just may or may not get a patty bag at the end as the there may not be enough, but who really would expect this from the host and be upset about it?

But leaving uninvited children is the next level of rudeness and should be viewed as neglect.

I wouldn't describe the host mum as either a 'legend' or 'ballsy'. I think the truth is probably a lot closer to what Soupdragon has suggested - that she'd already made the bin as a fun thing with her kids, and had to think on her feet to feed the uninvited, uncatered-for children. It's not what I would have done but it's hardly going to scar them for life.

The only thing this mum did wrong was to forget to take the label off the bin.

I SERIOUSLY doubt there was any intention to humiliate the un-catered for children. This mum was having to think on her feet to ensure the children had something to eat, and in the midst of the party, it's easy to forget about trivial things.

And many of you on this thread are making it easy for CF parents to be CF, with all this talk of overcatering, etc. No wonder these parents try to dump their DCs.

No way would I now provide any extra catering. Un-invited siblings would be firmly turned away where possible, or the parent phoned and told to collect.

CF parents were very common during the primary years. They'd stay in the car on some occasions, driving off as soon as the venue door opened. Or they'd wait until a group of parents arrived and got their DC to come in at that point. And there were other ways, too, depending on the venue.

I had my share, until I got fed up and made sure to have a bouncer on the door, usually me. As my ex was never bothered about taking time off to help at a party, I had to develop a thick skin to ensure the invited DC had a good time. Sometimes, numbers were critical, and there would be no way to include the siblings, even if I wanted to.

Thankfully, my DC are late teens now, they sort their own birthdays out with funding from me.

The number one reason why I wouldn’t be feeding unsupervised children is allergies. I always ask about allergies before parties.

But I always text invites so get a 100% reply rate. And I send a second text if I get no initial reply saying I need to confirm numbers for catering/prizes so please let me know. That text always pushes the late replies to rsvp.

I think if an invited child was dropped off I would phone the parents to ask about allergies before feeding them anything.

So if an uninvited sibling was dropped I would phone the parents to collect saying I couldn’t supervise extras, if no answer I would take the child to the leisure centre management office and explain that there was a mix-up but he wasn’t my responsibility.

It is a big responsibility taking over supervision of children at parties and I wouldn’t invite more than I could handle so would refuse the extras.

Oooooo do you know more about this party @pjmask... Do tell!

I'd have firstly refused the extra kids and made them leave (been there some that AFTER sending notes home saying limited numbers no extras!) and secondly I wouldn't have fed them - they can share their siblings food. Not my problem they have a CF parent!

So..... party mum makes the bin with her kids probably as a fun way to get kids to move out food they know they dont like. Kids love emojis and find the rude ones funny . All children- whether invited or not - see exactly what is going on and probably swap stuff out of it as it goes round. U like a plain tray or platter kids actually understand what its for and stuff doesnt get knocked off it as it has high sides.
Spare stuff is offered round, including to children who were not expected. And this is humiliating? FFS. Taking it out and putting it on a prettier tray would not change what it is and all the children would know how it is meant. A joke about food so it doesnt get wasted. Taking the label off might upset the child whose birthday it is who was probably chuffed about it. And host parents were probably busy and did not actually see it as a big deal.
That poor host.

This is totally humiliating for the uninvited children. They didn't decide to be there, it was their mothers decision.
So the hosting Mum, instead of having the guts to talk to the adults decided to humiliate children who really had no chance to speak for themselves. Great.

Wow it’s definitely CF expecting uninvited kids to be able to stay and leaving them there. I would never do it. I at the weekend had an invite for my youngest to a party. The father of the child who’s birthday it was wanted my hubby to come along as they go way back, so he was going to take DS. The wife asked if I was coming and I said DH was so I would be home with the eldest, so she said bring him along. Later she asked what he wanted to eat, but I said that it was good enough of her to allow him to join the party and I wouldn’t expect her to cater for another child. As it happened a kid couldn’t make it so he got a lunch, but I certainly wouldn’t have let her go to additional expense. The party itself was village hall with an entertainer so that party didn’t cost extra.

As for the bin, I do find that a little odd? I don’t think it is fair on the kids uninvited or not. If she wanted to make a point she should have collected unwanted food and binned it. Kids would have gone without which would have sent a message home without making too much of a point

Great

On the plus side, CF Mum is unlikely to our her CF kids in such a humiliating position again, so at least something positive has come out of it!

I wouldn’t cater for uninvited siblings if the parents didn’t inform me first. No manners to say you are brining a invited plus one and leaving? Then why should my manners be better? The child is unfeed because of their own parents in this case, in my case I could always feed a army so it would not be a issue, but.....

At my first child’s first school birthday party I invited his entire class with around 20 replies. On the day I hear someone behind me and dh saying “eat as much as you can I don’t want to cook tonight” I turn around to see the back of some random woman’s head, a non replied class mate and two year old sister. No contact number, no hello, no here’s my kids. Nothing. Practically ran out and in.

So i had no contact details at all. No idea what the mum looked like. No idea if anyone who walked out with them knew them, if I hadn’t overheard the mum I could have instantly lost both and been none the wiser.

So if they had disappeared I would have done nothing. Could I call and ask their mum? No. Could I tell Play staff two toddlers was missing but might have been collected? No. Tell them the toddlers first name or family surname? No.

I judged her harshly inwardly. Totally selfish and stupid idiot who wanted free child care with dinner thrown in.

So at all parties since I say party on x date at y time. RSVP for local venue. No more CFs who leave no contact details. It also seems to exclude parents who can’t be arsed to say “is it ok for sibling to come too?” Because if you can rsvp, you can say more than yes or no. It’s just a few more words surely?

If your worried someone will say no, does anyone then really think “hmm, maybe they can’t cope /cater/ both/ for my child so to be on the safe side I will just dump them anyway and run for the door? Because that IS these parents logic. “ the most precious gift in my life, how can I loose them to be unwelcome and unwanted for a few hours?”

Yet the dumping parents are the victims? Poor kids. Harsh mum too, but so preventable.

I must be really naive. I have never heard of parents bringing uninvited siblings to someone else's birthday party.
Apart from the catering, this is really a health and safety issue. If an external venue, there may be specific maximum numbers allowed. The activity may not be suitable for an older or younger child.
This is actually magnified if the venue is someone's home. There may not be sufficient adults to children especially if one is a different age, say, younger, requiring more supervision.
An older child may not be allowed in the same activity, e.g., softplay may be age grouped.
Obviously if you have invited different age groups, you would allow for this, but uninvited siblings to be left should not be allowed.

I'm sure she knew exactly how parents would react, even if the 'yuk bin' was a thing she had already put together. I'm sure she knew how it would make those kids feel too. So why oh why oh why just not grow a big pair and refuse the CFery completely before it even starts? I just don't get why anyone wouldn't just say, 'it's invite only' and just refuse the extra kids on the door. It's all very well saying the parents are cheeky( yes they are, so say no to them!) but if the host didn't have the gumption to refuse the extra uninvited kids into the party, that's up to her. It's just so ridiculous.

Sound like a load of kids bring adults to a party to me. Grow up and dont worry about it. The mum with the extra kid should have been glad her boy got a taste of the real world for start and the mother whos childs party its was...does she only have one child by any chance? So she never puts on the other mums? She shouldnt have set up a bad situation at her kids party, she planned that bin, she made her own kids party hostile. Then her child was upset, wasting all the effort to make it nice. Foolish mistake.

if its done in a small community and everyone does it, then you just fit in or leave ....... its a kind of nice community thing to do isnt it? "Yeh of course Jimmy can come in, we can share, like a party is...... what about that? Why not that? Why not set a decent example to your kids.

.....and if that happens ..... and theres a piss taker, there's always is one!, then everyone notices and he or she become Tight Arse Jimmy or Jane from then on.... and you have a good laugh about it. lol.

....here come tight arse jimmy, hold on to your walletts !!! kind of banter. lol.

Seeing as you wasn’t there, what you are doing is gossiping about hearsay.

A lot of posters saying turn them away at the door/specify invitees only - the CFs who will add extra children are the sort who won't take the slightest bit of notice. They'll drop two or more kids off at the gate and send the kids in on their own without getting out of the car.

Ring them and ask the CF parent(s) to come and collect the extra ones)? Yes of course they're just going to come straight back and apologise saying oh silly me - not. They'll say they're too far away, doing something they can't leave - which in reality may be coffee in Costa round the corner but the host can't know that.

As noted earlier, if people are nice about it, make sure they have extra food and party bags, it just encourages the CFs, which is why it's becoming more common. What party mum did might not have been ideal, none of us were there to know what actually happened with the yuck bin, but hosts are going to need something more creative if this practice is going to stop any time soon.

Seeing as you wasn’t there, what you are doing is gossiping about hearsay.

This. The person who told OP could have been making a mountain out of a molehill. Bet if the host mum had given them nothing she would still be the bad guy.

Its not the kids fault they were left, but I always over-cater, the more the merrier where kids are concerned, unless its a booked thing such as bowling or cinema trip. I think this was just mean.
If you can't feed the extra kids, you say so to the parents.