to think that while bringing uninvited children to a party is rude, this mother's response is HARDCORE

[thedevilwithbarty]

So there has been a bit of an issue lately at our local primary (the one my kids went to, they're teens now but it's a small community, so we still know a lot of people there) with people bringing additional kids (siblings) to parties and it's perceived as quite cheeky, especially when they're left and hosting parents expected to supervise and feed kids they didn't invite.

There was a whole-class party at a leisure centre last weekend at which the hosting mum had done little lunch boxes for each child with the usual - rolls, fairy cakes, fruit, veg sticks, crisps etc. There were unfortunately several uninvited siblings dumped by their parents at the start of the party.

If I were the hosting parent and I knew this wa likely to happen, I would have either put a note on the invitation that I was catering for the children individually, so please do NOT bring additional children, or brought a few extra boxes of food - I'd be pissed off at the cheekiness, but I wouldn't see a child go hungry.

This mum had brought a little bin with a sign on it saying "Yuck Bin" with a vomiting emoji which she passed around for all the children to put the items they didn't like from their food boxes. Then the uninvited siblings were allowed to take food from the Yuck Bin.

I wasn't there, obviously, but I have heard via friends that one of the mothers of the additional children flipped out at the end of the party when she was told by her child about how he was fed. There was a bit of a scene and the birthday child was upset. I can see her point tbh - she's a rude cow for dumping her children wholesale without asking first, but the hosting mum's way of dealing with it was horrible. AIBU to think that nobody has behaved very well here?

the parents have been nice about it

Perhaps that was because you paid for your uninvited child, you fed your uninvited child and, importantly, you stayed with your uninvited child.

I bet there would still have been "humiliation" if the uninvited children had been fed from a platter of discarded food. "Mum! She gave us all the stuff no one wanted! It was horrible!"

I’m with the party mum. I don’t think it was premeditated but a think on your feet reaction. CF children may have been told to share with their invited sibling which would have caused far more of a row.
I had slightly different CF problem when DS was party age. We had an “odd” helicopter mum who was obsessed with DSs progress early on and would go through his book bag in the cloakroom ( I always did late pickup due to work). DS had a number of party invites go missing so I was temporarily that mum who never replied, until I caught her red handed.
Oh and I knew she was comparing because she would constantly ask DS which book he was reading. I was very naive in the early days, I thought she was just being nice.
Children’s parties really are the stuff of nightmares.

I really don’t understand bringing extra siblings uninvited to a drop-off party. We just did a pay-per-head party and the mum brought her older sibling saying “I know I didn’t tell you I was bringing her, but there’s no way she was missing out” No offer to pay, no checking we had enough food. So we had to pay for the extra kid, cobble together more food and a party bag.

She seemed to think this was totally reasonable, but my son does not know this child, and she was NOT INVITED! Nor were other siblings so it’s not as if she was singled out. The mum stayed and took photos for the whole time too so she wasn’t desperate for childcare

Can someone explain this mentality?!

Some parents are odd and very entitled.
Your problem is not their problem.

There’s no excuse for bringing an uninvited child, go for a walk, wait in the car!

I think that as this has happened at other people's events in the past, the hosting mother should have made a few basic preparations.

Why?

WTF? OK I've been out of the UK a long time (my parties were exactly as PP described German parties) but i simply cannot believe that anyone thinks host mum was in the wrong.

People used to tell me my DC had beautiful manners "but of course they're British, so they would, wouldn't they?" and even back then i used to think "hahahah you've never met British kids, have you?"

I'm guessing the food was wrapped. No problem. Frankly if anyone had dumped uninvited siblings on me they would have been sitting outside the party room waiting for their parents. CF parents saying their child would "sit in a corner" would have been laughed at and told to take the child away.

There is no need to specify "no siblings" on an invitation which is presumably still in the format "X [host child] invites Y [guest child] to their birthday party…" where is the room for mistakenly thinking it's free babysitting for sibling children who don't get their own named invitation?

Is this because so many parents in the UK seems to ever say "no" to their children?

Other PP are right: all other future party hosts can thank this mum for setting the bar for CF Sibling Drop Offs. And if not, then future host mums should take a leaf out of her book until it sinks in.

Same parents who never pay the voluntary contributions on school trips which leads to them getting cancelled No doubt.

I think it was perfectly fine, party mum got a fun box for unwanted but edible food. Cf parents abandoned uninvited, unwanted children. Party mum thought on her feet and let the extras have the unwanted food.

Can someone explain this mentality?!

It's really quite simple isn't it? They want to do it, and what they want is all that matters to them

What I fail to understand, given that your CF hung around, is why on earth you paid the fee and provided food instead of downright refusing unless she coughed up? Why wouldn't you do anything to help yourself in that situation?

I'd have just let the uninvited children go hungry (would have texted their parents to say that if they wanted them to eat then they need to come back with some food).

I have grudging respect for this mother.

She probably phrased it as " there is no food for you but if you'd like to eat some thing there's loads of lovely stuff in here"

The only issue is the way the food was presented. I would have gone and took an item from a couple of the boxes of things I knew certain kids would not have eaten and given to the extra kids and said ‘sorry it’s not a special lunch box but this is the best I can do’. Or sent another adult out for coop ham sandwiches tbh.

There’s a thread about anxious kids and resilience going on right now .. judging from some people’s answers on here calling the kids who are spare food victims and saying it’s degrading and humiliating, I think we have some good examples to explore !

@SoupDragon by the sounds the extra kids were already there before the food got shared so she could have thought on her feet and just remove the label. Also while it is perfectly ok to have food you dislike it is rude to teach kids or let them think that simply not liking them makes a food yuck. It might put a child that was more then happy to eat fruit or veg off eating if it sees all the friends labeling it as yuck. I help at rainbows and even at 5 we teach our girls a no thank you is more polite then pulling a face saying yuck

@FrancisCrawford because it's not the child's fault the parents are CF yet they are the ones facing the consequences

I feel sorry for the children. They were bullied and degraded by an adult who definitely should know better. I agree, she should have made it clear on the invitation.

The only person even remotely bullied if you so desire to use that word was the party mum by being forced into looking after and feeding unwanted, uninvited children.

@FrancisCrawford because it’s not the kids decision to bloody be there is it!! I’d say it and plaster a smile on whilst thinking ‘your mum is a bloody cheeky cow though !’

If you don't want your children placed in a particular situation, don't place your children in a particular situation.

I do not understand why people assume that if X is invited, Y must perforce be included as well. Nope. Not at weddings, not at kids' parties.

If you dump and abandon your child to a birthday party where the hosts are frantically hosting the kids actually invited, not having planned for extras, why the heck would you assume that those hosts are going to take care of your children to your required standard when you didn't care enough to do so?

@Whattodoabout no they weren’t bullied.
the host had the right to call the authorities/alert the venue to collect abandoned children. she chose to keep the kids and feed them. the kids weren’t forced to eat

@OneForMeToo you don't find anything wrong with an adult being petty enough to punish a univited child that can't help being there to give them food out of something called a yuck bin rather then a kinder sharing option just to punish the CF parents?

If dear little Oscar Poscar is invited to a birthday party and his dm decides that this includes dear Oscar's 16 siblings and her dh, you should just suck it up and cater for more?

What kind of people do this?

Since this has become a problem, Include in invitations that it is for 1 (one) person only, and state that any extra child/dh care will be charged with 100£ a head.

(Think birthday mum did right excluding the 'yuck', and CF mum should expect everyone's entire family if she ever have a birthday party).

Yabu
Not invited= should be taken back with parents or kept to one side with food provided by parents.
I have no issue with them getting leftovers, lucky to get anything and invited kids should get the choice.
The emoji a bit unnecessary.
I think it's a good idea as the hosts can reuse any wastage.
Anyhow kids over about 4 know they arent invited.
However i have had softplay parties and 1 let siblings in free which was good and the other only charged a discount and they could get food too.
Otoh im not sure it's a good or bad thing that kids have their siblings it means they play with them instead

it's not the child's fault the parents are CF yet they are the ones facing the consequences

Yes, this is difficult. We shouldn't deliberately humiliate other people's children... yet nor should we deliberately risk our own children being humiliated. The point stands: the CF parents put their child/ren in the way of this "harm". Maybe the risk seemed negligible because they had got away with it so many times, but unfortunately this time their number was up!