to think that while bringing uninvited children to a party is rude, this mother's response is HARDCORE

[thedevilwithbarty]

So there has been a bit of an issue lately at our local primary (the one my kids went to, they're teens now but it's a small community, so we still know a lot of people there) with people bringing additional kids (siblings) to parties and it's perceived as quite cheeky, especially when they're left and hosting parents expected to supervise and feed kids they didn't invite.

There was a whole-class party at a leisure centre last weekend at which the hosting mum had done little lunch boxes for each child with the usual - rolls, fairy cakes, fruit, veg sticks, crisps etc. There were unfortunately several uninvited siblings dumped by their parents at the start of the party.

If I were the hosting parent and I knew this wa likely to happen, I would have either put a note on the invitation that I was catering for the children individually, so please do NOT bring additional children, or brought a few extra boxes of food - I'd be pissed off at the cheekiness, but I wouldn't see a child go hungry.

This mum had brought a little bin with a sign on it saying "Yuck Bin" with a vomiting emoji which she passed around for all the children to put the items they didn't like from their food boxes. Then the uninvited siblings were allowed to take food from the Yuck Bin.

I wasn't there, obviously, but I have heard via friends that one of the mothers of the additional children flipped out at the end of the party when she was told by her child about how he was fed. There was a bit of a scene and the birthday child was upset. I can see her point tbh - she's a rude cow for dumping her children wholesale without asking first, but the hosting mum's way of dealing with it was horrible. AIBU to think that nobody has behaved very well here?

I’m sorry but what sort of “little bin” did she have? Was it an actual bin? Like one which had previously had rubbish in? Or had she had some amazing foresight and thought this might happen and purchased a brand new bin and brought it with her so she could do this?

Brand new, unsullied bin, expressly for the purpose.

How old are the kids who were invited & those who weren't?

I think buying a bin and putting a food in it is mean.

I think taking uninvited kids and expecting them to be fed is total cheeky fuckery.

If you clearly over cater though why would these parents not take advantage of you?!

I’ve been to venues where the staff check off each child before permitting them into the food room so then any additional child left by a CF is effectively locked outside and is usually upset by that.

I think that I am so taken aback by the fact people think leaving their uninvited child at a party for somebody else to pay to entertain and feed is ok that I’m on the side of the woman who hosted although I think she should have either not provided any food for the additional children or else not put anything on a bin and just passed round a plate for anything not wanted. Ultimately as parents we shouldn’t be putting our children in a situation where they will be unhappy as a result of our actions.

I only put YANBU because if the details of the ‘yuck bin’.

Had she labelled it the ‘share tray’ and explained that extra guests could help themselves from that it would have been fine, IMO.

The ‘yuck ‘ and vom emoji was terrible and unnecessary. It wasn’t the siblings fault that they had been left at the party by gate crashing parents.

But I would have said ‘sorry, invited children only’ .

And the other Mum was BU for causing a scene. You reap what you sow: she needed to have STFU.

The cf parents had it been me would of had a phone call five mins after drop offs when I do my head count saying you need to come and collect your other child as you appear to have forgotten them. If the invite only has one child's name on it then it's bloody obvious your other kids were not invited. I or any other parent don't need to make that clear every parent knows full well if your invited your names on the invite. My sons friend told me after school day before his party my child was invited. We had no invite so told him I needed to hear from his mum. The day of party 30 mins before it started she called saying he was invited and that her dc should have told him a week ago. He probably did but my child knows if I don't see your name on an invite you are not going. I kept my older child with me. Hus also friends with this child but I wasn't told he was invited too so he didn't stay. Its not complicated. At least this parent gave them food. It's a sh**ty act from the parents what if these kids had allergies and the birthday child's parent doesn't know.

PM would have already have the yuk bucket ready and labelled before the party for the food the invited kids didnt want.

Why should she think about the sensibilities of kids that werent invited when she was kind enough to then feed them? Was she expected to cross out the sign and picture in case in hurt the darlings that werent meant to be there?? OP I really do not understand what she did wrong. It is like people think she thought beforehand "what is going to upset kids the most?"

She was caught on the hop by ignorant CFs who had no doubt gotten away with this behaviour before, and did her best to cater for kids not being looked after by their own parents.

Op have you omitted the fact that it was a Halloween themed birthday party to make the situation sound worse than it was?

unbecoming row between the mothers

Gosh yes, so terribly unladylike, what will the neighbours think

What I dont understand is if an uninvited child arrives what do people accept the child stay, fees the child begrudgingly then have food ole moan later abouthow cheeky the parent is which they are. Why not just have w quiet word with the parent as soon as they attempt to leave instead of letting them stay if they are that bothered. You only have a party oonce a year dependent on what it was the odd wxtra one wouldn't kill.

To be fair, she shouldn’t have fed them at all. and called parents to immediately collect children that were not invited/call authorities. if any of the kids gets injured, she’s the one who gets the blame (and if its a leisure centre, there were probably number restrictions)

The cf parents had it been me would of had a phone ... saying you need to come and collect your other child as you appear to have forgotten them

Good luck with that; try it, and I can almost guarantee one of three things will happen. Either they won't answer their phone, they'll commit to return in 15 minutes but won't turn up, or they'll claim a dreadful emergency which by an amazing coincidence will be resolved just in time for pick up

Good luck with that; try it, and I can almost guarantee one of three things will happen. Either they won't answer their phone, they'll commit to return in 15 minutes but won't turn up, or they'll claim a dreadful emergency which by an amazing coincidence will be resolved just in time for pick up

That's not my problem.

Parents cannot just abandon their children.

Would they abandon their pre-schoolers in the school playground when dropping off their older kids?

I think the point is - if you try to contact them after they've dumped and ran - you won't get any response from them.

So, yeah, it kind of is (or becomes) your problem.

Do I really now have to state "no siblings please" on the invitation???

Sadly, it seems you do. You shouldn’t have to, but there it is. In this case, Party Mom was clearly not dealing with people with loads of common sense, or worse, selfish people who just don’t care and adopt the attitude, “Whatever accommodates me and my life is what I’m doing.”

If you’ve done all you can up front and a sibling or two slips through the cracks, you can email a “bill” to the parents for the extra kid’s presence at the party. I’m not being facetious – if people are going to use me as a child-minding service, I’d want payment for services rendered. £12 per hour would be fair, I’d think.

I wouldn’t get any money, of course, but the point would be made.

Some people are right CFs. I had a mum try and leave 3 extra siblings at my DDs party, she turned up and said “hi this is a, b and c, I have lots to do while the party’s on so thought I’d let them stay aswell.” Well that wasn’t going to happen so I told her no it stated on the invite no siblings allowed, and she had a right huff and left with all the kids including the invited one! I could have accommodated all 4 kids but in all honesty why should I have to when she was clearly told they couldn’t come on the invite? Because she wanted a free 3 hours and use me as free childcare to get them, nope cf not happening! Not surprised at how this mum acted when she hadn’t planned for extra kids and why should she have to bring extra food incase a cf wants to dump their unwanted brat for a few hours?!

@thedevilwithbarty, YABU, I think the 'bin' idea was primarily for unwanted food items, but when faced with dc that had no food as they weren't actually invited, rather than letting them starve she offered them the wrapped food from the unwanted 'bin'.

No malice intended, just an on-the-spot solution, and it was a clean, unused 'bin' that had individually wrapped items in, not leftover slop.

I think the point is - if you try to contact them after they've dumped and ran - you won't get any response from them.

So then I think you need to alert the management of the venue that there is an unaccompanied child/children on the premises and let them deal with it. They shouldn't become your responsibility.

Maybe it's because don't yet have a party-aged child, but I don't fully understand why people do this - people keep talking about free childcare but isn't a kid's party a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon? What are people doing that they're so desperate for free childcare in such a tiny block?!

Meh, it seems like an issue of semantics (and extreme over-reaction to an emoji). I doubt anyone will have suffered lasting psychological damage.

As others have suggested, I imagine Party Mum never intended to feed anyone from her "Yuck Bin" (which was probably labeled to be amusing for the invited children and was intended to go home with her, rather than having them go to waste). It might not have even occurred to her that anyone would be upset that she offered the unwanted snacks to the "extra" children, since it was perfectly good food that she had intended to serve to her own family.

As for the label, if you don't care enough about your children to not put them into the very awkward position of being an uninvited (unwanted) guest, you don't get to rant and cry because that child was then served the less desirable party food from a clean container bearing a (jokey) sign and emoji.

The fact that the uninvited children likely had no cake is unfortunate for them, but they weren't invited, and it sounds like there simply wasn't enough cake to go around without taking it from the invited guests. Maybe if party hosts stop making it too easy and comfortable for them to bring uninvited siblings, the CF parents will stop taking advantage. (Probably not, though.)

Just here for all the CF stories!

Party Mum surely had intended the "yuck bin" (as in a collection box) only to be a way to collect up unwanted food to prevent waste

 - you know when you do a box rather than a buffet that the downside is you don't know what each child will want, hence waste and also possibly an upset child who thinks they <strong>have</strong> to eat the ham sandwich when they hate ham ... so presumably the family came up with the idea of the collection box to solve the issue of children opening wrappers but not eating the food or to give children "permission" to leave things they don't like. 

Maybe the 🤮 was a bit crass but I can totally see why (for the box's originally intended purpose) it seemed like a fun idea for a party. If it hadn't been for the commotion caused by the CF mum I doubt anyone would be picking that idea apart, maybe a raised eyebrow from one or two that it's encouraging negativity towards food but really not an issue that everyone would be up in arms about.

So, when faced with unexpected extra children, her solution was to give them the leftover food.

Obviously, from an outside perspective with the benefit of hindsight that we have from the OP, it could have been done differently and a perfect t solution could have been found. But I'd be amazed if the party mum really intended malice towards those children. And giving them wrapped sandwiches and crisps etc that had been passed up by other children is hardly "making them eat out of a bin" or particularly humiliating.