FiL said our house smells of urine

[NataliaNutella]

In the fifteen years I've known him I always thought FiL was a very quiet, introverted man due to lack of confidence. However in the last few years I think it might be a slight superiority which means he doesn't say much, either that or just terrible social skills! He has been very blunt with me recently to the point where I don't really want to be left alone with him.
He makes lots of comments about my weight (I'm a 14/16) such as 'is your dad slim or is he (puffs up cheeks, Michelin man impression arms) like you' also 'your mum is very slim, that surprised me.' Oh and 'maybe you and MiL could have a weight loss contest and can just hit the cakes out of your hands when we see you eating.' All of this is done with no expression, no humour. Deadpan expression.
I can take it. I have blunt friends, but there is warmth there. I can't think of anything nice that FiL has ever said to me. Sometimes he does strange gestures like buy me a Xmas decoration in Summer or brings over loads of kg bags of nuts but they're so odd and random that I can't really understand where they come from. Once he found a hat in a hedge whilst he was walking and washed it and gave it to me as he 'thought it would look nice with my hair.'
Yesterday was breaking point for me. I was having dd's birthday party in the afternoon, I had no help as dp was working and dm was busy. My son has been potty training for two weeks and we have carpet. We also only moved into our house last year and haven't saved up for a new bathroom yet. He came in whilst I was icing a very complicated pattern on a cake and said 'you should spray some air freshener round.' I said ok thanks DiL I will. He then came back about ten minutes later as I will almost balancing baking trays of snacks on my head and said 'the reason I said that about the air freshener is that this house smells of urine, it always does, especially in the bathroom, I think you really should do something about it, especially before guests come over. The other parents will judge you, you know, and the children won't have any friends at school.'
I was livid on the point of telling FiL that I've got enough on and I can't do anymore and if he would like to help then maybe you should go and clean the toilet yourself. It may well be true but I'd washed the carpets and I've tried I don't know how many things on the toilet but there is a way of saying things.
My parents would have pulled me aside and said it when I was calm and when I wasn't doing a million things. They would have offered to help, they would do things in a more subtle way and I would be grateful.

I wouldn't mind but it's not the same if you tell them a few home truths. My BiL is 26 and has never worked for longer than a few months. My Dm is a well connected employee of a higher education charity, she asked BiL how the job hunt was going when it was just the two of them. It got back to dp how judged BiL felt and how it was very out of order how my Dm had handled things.
Arghhhh! So frustrating

Well when he’s stinking of urine and needs you to help him tell him sorry you’re busy

This could be the first signs of dementia - especially the presents at the wrong time of the year. I know a couple of people who have relatives who suddenly started saying things like this completely out of place - ie. absolutely no filter about what was and wasn't appropriate. The sort of things that you might think but would never say. Then other symptoms started appearing and the relatives were diagnosed with dementia.

It's possible the toilet does smell of urine. My ex's parents' toilet absolutely stank of urine and when he moved in I had no end of bother with my toilet..... some people's urine does stink the place out. It's difficult. If you're in a hard water area any scale which builds up on the toilet harbours the smell.
I was at it constantly with bicarbonate of soda, vinegar, bleach, you name it and there was always that faint smell (until ex moved out)

If the problem is a lack of understanding of social cues, then I suppose one answer would have been.

'Thank you for your concern. I am very busy now and as your son is working and my mother is not around, this is not a good time to talk about jobs. Getting this cake done is my priority. But you are very welcome to help with some cleaning.' The cloths, bleach and disinfectant are under the sink.'

How old is he OP? Could illness such as dementia be the possible cause? I would be very concerned by a change in personality. My Fil was objectionable, but he had always been so. A sudden change in personality would ring alarm bells.

Ok if it does smell of urine that’s a little different. If you have carpet in the bathroom, I’d get rid ASAP and get some Lino down, which can be cleaned and disinfected after small children’s accidents. It’s also fairly cheap.

What a wanker. Doing it when you are alone is deliberate. Especially the personal comments. Call him out on it, don't ever let him get away with being so rude to you. Tell him, once, that he needs to cut it the fuck out with his rude personal commentary. The next time he does it tell him to get the fuck out, or leave if you're at his. He knows he's being a dick that's why he does it when no-one is there. He's counting on your female socialisation to not make a fuss.

I would ban him from my house. Certainly never be alone with him. If he misses out on family time that is his fault.

I too thought it could be beginning of dementia perhaps.

Oh I'd rather be told! I'm surprised at the comments you're getting here.

If my house smelled of pee, I'd want to know!

My friend's house stank of strong cheese when I first went to visit her there....she was breastfeeding and I thought it might be to do with that....I'd never encountered a breastfeeding woman at the time so wasn't sure.

Years later and I still wonder. I didn't mention it as I didn't know here well...but your FIL is family. My family would mention it!

Mirror him. If he says 'I'm surprised your mum is slim,' say, 'I'm surprised your son is nice/charming/has good social skills.'

If he says, 'Is your dad...' say, 'Was your mum really socially awkward and rude to the point people didn't enjoy her company?'

He'll probably huff and get all upset but if he does, say without a trace of emotion: I understand exactly why you are upset. I was very rude to you. But what I did was mirror how rude you always are to me. If you don;t like receiving it, don;t dish it out. Be nice and I will too.'

I hate bullies. Especially ones who think they can get away with it because they are old.

Sounds neurodiverse to me

WHY is everyone assuming OP's house DOESN'T smell of urine?

And mentioning dementia? FOr all we know it does smell of pee.

Doesn't sound like dementia if he's just doing it to you. Sounds more like he's trying to put you 'in your place'

My son has been potty training for two weeks and we have carpet. We also only moved into our house last year and haven't saved up for a new bathroom yet

So it's possible the house DOES smell of pee. He's undeniably rude...calling you fat etc but re. the pee smell...hadn't you better do something about it?

Why is FIL only saying it to OP, not his son?

Why has no one else, not even her bluntest friend, told her the same? Even when asked?

From my experience it sounds like it could be the early signs of dementia. This often resuts in the person losing their filters and being very blunt/rude.

Given that, it sounds like your house does smell of urine, so I would address that anyway.

OP I notice you don't mention your DP much. Have you discussed with him the way FIL speaks to you? Can he not have a word?

It could be early onset dementia even at 59. Especially if this outspoken attitude is a recent development and not his usual behaviour.

No reason to say it, even if it's true, when your are juggling plates, unless he's offering to do some cleaning.

This sort of bluntness, called disinhibition, was the first sign we noticed when DSF was descending into dementia. It did involve rudeness and inappropriate touching, too. He'd come in for a greeting hug and when you put your hands up to his shoulders, one of his hands would come up for a sneaky under-boob grope. He once kissed DD, who was 15 at the time, on her mouth. It was really really difficult!

If it's not this, I'd be inclined to use my favourite "Why would you say that? “ tactic on the attempted fat-shaming comment. And for the smell comment, "If you smell it wherever you go, FiL, you're bringing the smell in with you."

I was going to ask what your DP is like.

It would be awful if he takes after this nasty man.

Just blank him the next time he does it. There's no need to react or look like you've heard him at all.

What ScambledSmegs says about a trusted friend. Ask one of your most honest friends and have her help you trace it. It's a new-to-you house, so there's no shame. The sub-floor round the tiloilet bowl could be steeped in old man-pee or little-boy-pee. It's those who stand up to pee who create the problem. Man-pee is rank. 😷

I hate to chime in with Mumsnet Bingo, but I immediately thought 'first signs of dementia' too.

The loss of inhibitions has been the first sign in many of my relatives.

I'd get a plumber in to look at the toilet. We had a similar problem with ours. It turned out there was a crack in one of the pipes.

And you don't have to put up with FIL's fat shaming and other rudeness.

‘We also only moved into our house last year and haven't saved up for a new bathroom yet’

This may be a clue.

You mentioned carpet - is it new or previous owners?

What your ohso darling FIL might be smelling is damp or rotting floor boards. Some people can smell damp/rot/wee/mice etc well before it becomes obvious.

That he mentions air freshener rather than helping to clean is another matter.

So he doesn’t have dementia and your house does smell of piss. “Only the bathroom” was probably the gentle way of hinting, given how well you responded when someone pointed out the stink to you.

Sorry but he’s not the asshole in this scenario and you absolutely were.

He was an ass in other examples you gave but you can’t claim this one to be the straw that broke the camel’s back when he said he’s concerned this will affect his grandkids’ friendships.

And I think if you wanted him to help you, you should have asked for help and been specific. You replied you’d do it then ignored it. He can’t read your mind and you appear to be cross because you expected him to do what your parents would have done in the situation.