In the fifteen years I've known him I always thought FiL was a very quiet, introverted man due to lack of confidence. However in the last few years I think it might be a slight superiority which means he doesn't say much, either that or just terrible social skills! He has been very blunt with me recently to the point where I don't really want to be left alone with him.
He makes lots of comments about my weight (I'm a 14/16) such as 'is your dad slim or is he (puffs up cheeks, Michelin man impression arms) like you' also 'your mum is very slim, that surprised me.' Oh and 'maybe you and MiL could have a weight loss contest and can just hit the cakes out of your hands when we see you eating.' All of this is done with no expression, no humour. Deadpan expression.
I can take it. I have blunt friends, but there is warmth there. I can't think of anything nice that FiL has ever said to me. Sometimes he does strange gestures like buy me a Xmas decoration in Summer or brings over loads of kg bags of nuts but they're so odd and random that I can't really understand where they come from. Once he found a hat in a hedge whilst he was walking and washed it and gave it to me as he 'thought it would look nice with my hair.'
Yesterday was breaking point for me. I was having dd's birthday party in the afternoon, I had no help as dp was working and dm was busy. My son has been potty training for two weeks and we have carpet. We also only moved into our house last year and haven't saved up for a new bathroom yet. He came in whilst I was icing a very complicated pattern on a cake and said 'you should spray some air freshener round.' I said ok thanks DiL I will. He then came back about ten minutes later as I will almost balancing baking trays of snacks on my head and said 'the reason I said that about the air freshener is that this house smells of urine, it always does, especially in the bathroom, I think you really should do something about it, especially before guests come over. The other parents will judge you, you know, and the children won't have any friends at school.'
I was livid on the point of telling FiL that I've got enough on and I can't do anymore and if he would like to help then maybe you should go and clean the toilet yourself. It may well be true but I'd washed the carpets and I've tried I don't know how many things on the toilet but there is a way of saying things.
My parents would have pulled me aside and said it when I was calm and when I wasn't doing a million things. They would have offered to help, they would do things in a more subtle way and I would be grateful.
I wouldn't mind but it's not the same if you tell them a few home truths. My BiL is 26 and has never worked for longer than a few months. My Dm is a well connected employee of a higher education charity, she asked BiL how the job hunt was going when it was just the two of them. It got back to dp how judged BiL felt and how it was very out of order how my Dm had handled things.
Arghhhh! So frustrating