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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unbelievably pissed off

125 replies

Pistwe · 02/11/2019 22:49

Travelled 3.5 hours to see OHs friends for the weekend . Toddler and heavily pregnant .

Left early Quick pasty lunch on motorway Plus sand which for toddler .

Arrive straight to OH friends . Sit for a bit . Agreed before we left that toddler ( and I ) must eat a proper meal before we go to an outdoors event .

Long story short . Didn’t get a proper meal as he didn’t plan properly and no time to eat and seemed happy to let eating go , couldn’t make scene in front of his friends . My toddler has had a bag of chips for tea . The half hour event actually lasted three hours in the freezing cold . The toddler has gone to sleep without eating . We are still waiting for some food , and I feel sick .

AIBU for being completely pissed off with him for making us miss a meal and keeping us outside in the fucking freezing cold for hours longer than we were told .

Do men know what the fuck pregnancy feels like .

OP posts:

Ribrabrob · 03/11/2019 02:15

These threads are indeed a bit strange. Odd terminology (‘the kid’), weird situations and ways or writing... overall just a bit strange

1forAll74 · 03/11/2019 02:20

It's all gone wrong a bit, but not the end of the world, and stop getting annoyed about it now.

savingshoes · 03/11/2019 02:34

Literally I would be livid right now but have zero energy to do anything with feeling sick with hunger.
Yanbu
Admire your patience for not leaving your husband with rude hosts and going to eat without them.
Please order something to the hotel, you can't survive on thin air.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 03/11/2019 03:32

Why didn’t you just say no we’re taking the pushchair and get it out of the car? I hardly think he was going to physically stop you. Also if the toddler had a bag of chips and you where so hungry why didn’t you get a bag of chips aswell? Yes I agree it wasn’t the best of planning but both issues you could have easily found solutions to. I think you need to speak up if you need food because you not getting food is really on you no one else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 04:10

It sounds as if your dh thinks he’s in charge and makes decisions beyond his pay grade. You’re then acting like a subservient 1950’s housewife.

Do you know why you cannot stand up for yourself? Is it because you would feel as though you’d be picking a fight or is it because he’d accuse you of such? Either way you’ve got self esteem issues and a dh problem.

Harriett123 · 03/11/2019 05:01

I dont understand why asking for food would have made a scene. Why didnt you say something along the lines of this to DH in front of friends.
" its half 5 now and event start at 7 so what are we doing for dinner? Do you want to leave early so we have time to stop in a restraunt or do you just want to order some take away to here? "
Might just be time got away from him so he needed prompting.
The pushchair thing is bollocks. If a child is going to be out past their bedtime you need somewhere to lie them down and wrap them up if there out in the cold.
Overall I think DH made some oversights in planning but rather then get angry and go on mumsnet why didn't you communicate your feelings to him?

MsSquiz · 03/11/2019 05:53

I don't understand why you seem to be making your DH responsible for all of the decisions that were made?

You could have taken food with you in the car
You didn't speak up to find out what the arrangements were for food
You went along with your DH not taking the pushchair for your child

You say you couldn't possibly go somewhere for food with your child because you didn't know where you were? Presumably you have a mobile phone, or knew the name of the hotel you were staying at? You could have gone to the hotel and eaten there or ordered a take away to be delivered to the hotel, or asked at reception for a local restaurant.

You are an adult and a parent, surely you know what your DH is like?
If I was in the position you were, and my DH refused to put the pushchair in the car, I wouldn't go.
If my DH refused to come with me for food, I would take my child and sort ourselves out.

differentnameforthis · 03/11/2019 05:59

@Pistwe No , OH refused to let me take the pushchair for the toddler ... He’s always fucking doing that I’m sick of it . The kid gets tired . It’s fucking 8 pm at night and past the kids bed time . And OH thinks the kid should be fucking walking . It’s ridiculous

You are the child's parent too, so tell your partner "we are taking the pushchair. Toddler will need it"

Why are you letting this man dictate your every move??

Horehound · 03/11/2019 06:04

Exactly. You can actually use your brain and say "no, me and "the kid" need to eat now so that's what we will be doing"..

Not hard!

DankGraveGhouls · 03/11/2019 06:06

Pack snacks, always.

Use your words: "not packing a buggy? Are you off your tits?", "I'm starving, kid is starving. Going to find us both food, meet you back at the house"

This is a very strange thread, with a lot of dripfeeds and a big fuss about nothing.

Lilyflower1 · 03/11/2019 06:43

Now you know never to trust your other half’s arrangements again. Plan everything yourself and include meals and comforts. Refuse to visit his friends unless all necessities are put in place beforehand.

Billie87 · 03/11/2019 07:32

Why do you call your child “the kid”? Out of interest.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 03/11/2019 07:37

Men don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant op, neither do a lot of women, me included and a pasty type food would be sufficient for me. but the issue here is you don’t seem capable of looking out for yourself. Your Son did eat, he had chips, ok not healthy but he’s been fed, why did you not have chips? Why did you not think for yourself that somewhere along the line you would need to eat. You need to start taking some responsibility.

winetomorrow · 03/11/2019 07:39

My husband gives me lots of reasons to be annoyed with him. But If either of us goes anywhere we fully stock the nappy bag with toddler pouches of food and snacks in case we have to deal with a hungry toddler. I think your husband has been thoughtless and I get that you can't take food to a festival but your mistake was relying on others for food for your child without checking in advance (and my husband wouldn't either so I would ask him or pack stuff). But when I was pregnant if I couldn't eat when I needed to I would be so ill. And so freaking annoyed. So you're not wrong but it's maybe not so bad (((hugs))) x

rookiemere · 03/11/2019 07:47

Up to the bit where you said he tried to cancel the hotel breakfast I thought you were a bit hangry - after all parents of newborns can be cut a lot of slack - but hotel breakfasts are sacred. Your DP sounds controlling and weird with the buggy and breakfast.

crispysausagerolls · 03/11/2019 07:51

MsSquiz

Completely agree. OP is 50% responsible for everything she is complaining about.

Wowwe · 03/11/2019 07:52

Wow!
Why couldn’t you sort yourself and your child out? Why did you have snacks etc??
If that was me, I would have googled nearby food places and took my child -regardless of what DH wanted to do- and went and had a sit down meal and then met back up with Dh after. You are a grown adult.
Or maybe just have let dh go on the trip alone.........

lauryloo · 03/11/2019 08:00

It was a once off, I'm sure one bag of chips for tea won't do toddler any harm.

Hope you managed to get a good breakfast this morning

FusionChefGeoff · 03/11/2019 08:04

It sounds like a bordering abuaive relationship to explain why OP just seems to passively accept her partner's word every time but then is massively angry about it.

For some reason, he seems to have conditioned her to 'obey' him at all times and he's obviously a selfish arse who puts himself and his wants considerably higher than those of his partner and child.

I think OP needs to do some reading about controlling relationships and do some work on either standing up for herself (which I fear won't go down that well with dickhead OH) or getting some independence back so she can work towards leaving him.

But the attacks she is getting here aren't very fair so I'd ask you all to just consider that she may not be in an equal relationship so it's not as black and white as you all seem to think it is.

DavyCrocket · 03/11/2019 08:04

Next time there's a problem... Don't think of it as making a scene. Think of it as... Having a discussion about something you would like to explain and really think it's important.

If you know your partner well enough, you'll know what makes him tick and how to get him to listen.

Irrespective, as you're pregnant, you need to take control in a calm way without creating an issue. If he creates an issue that's a different story.

If your toddler was happy, all good. It's not every day is it?

If your friend has flu, do you really know how they feel?

Stinkycatbreath · 03/11/2019 08:09

Unless im missing something while your other half has some responsibility to make sure your child eats and his behaviour was not great. I dont understand why as a grown up woman you wouldn't just say I am taking the buggy and I want something to eat. Could you have had some chips? Understand if there are deeper domestic issues but in anormal set of circumstances you just need to speak up for yourself and child.?

namechange46 · 03/11/2019 08:13

Did you not bring anything for you or your toddler to eat?

If I was staying in a hotel I would bring snacks for my child - cereal bars, smoothie pouches etc.

Also, you're staying in a hotel - room service?

namechange46 · 03/11/2019 08:14

The buggy thing is weird. You just take the buggy if you want to.

itsgettingweird · 03/11/2019 08:18

It's only a deal because you didn't take food with you. I've never gone 3.5 hours away in a car without food or buggy. And I wouldn't leave it for someone to to sort out.

The toddler did have food - they had chips. You are just making an issue because it's not what you wanted him to have.

Dh wanted to cancel breakfast - you said no and explained why. So not an issue. Breakfast sorted and then you go for brunch.

You didn't have buggy. So he carries the toddler or persuades him to walk.

Sounds like you'd have been better off staying at home and letting DH go alone with the toddler as you sound too heavily pregnant to enjoy it. (Some people really don't manage heavy pregnancy well. I try and understand that because it never bothered me!)

DC3dilemma · 03/11/2019 08:24

Have to say, I think this sounds like 50% him, 50% you and a lack of assertiveness.

People who end up ranting and raving after this fairly ordinary day to day logistical stuff are usually people who haven’t spoken up when they should have done. It’s actually really passive aggressive -passive when you don’t make your needs clear and known, aggressive when you get huffy, sullen, and rant and rave about it later.

I think the questions you need to ask yourself are:

Why didn’t I say, on arrival, “Nice to see you, looking forward to going...but after a long journey, toddler and I are really going to have to eat a meal...is there anywhere local we can do that?” And just insist that it is necessary for both your well being.

Why didn’t you say, “I hear that you don’t think the buggy is necessary, but if we are out in the evening he is going to get tired and I won’t be able to carry him, it’s an absolute essential” followed with “I don’t agree; it is essential” or “I don’t think toddler and I can come if you feel that you want to stop me bringing the buggy” etc.

OP you are soon going to have a second child. It’s time to step up and be assertive on their behalf. Learn to politely and firmly say what you (and they) need, when they need it, and ensure that this occurs as a priority.

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