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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious at friend with mental health problems?

100 replies

fairynick · 02/11/2019 17:51

My best friend has had the most awful life imaginable, and I don’t use that lightly. Her entire childhood was traumatic and if her life was made into a film you’d watch it and think it’s too far fetched and dramatic. Because that much awful stuff has happened to her.
Unsurprisingly this has ended up with her having PTSD, depression and anxiety which she is medicated for and also goes to therapy.
She’s my best friend and I’ve always been there for her and we have the best times together. However, she ALWAYS cancels. And it’s really starting to piss me off. I know that cancelling all the time is a show of anxiety but I don’t know if I can take anymore.
I’d understand if maybe I’d invited her somewhere and she accepted then cancelled, but she always initiates and then cancels. Both so us know she won’t come so I don’t know why we bother sometimes.
Three of us are going to an event tonight, one doesn’t finish work until 11 so me and best friend we’re going to go and then other friend meet us there from work. Now that best friend has cancelled I have to just sit at home until about midnight and then get a taxi into town so I don’t let down other friend.
If she cancelled and it didn’t affect plans then I wouldn’t mind but it’s kind of ruined my weekend because I’ve turned down plans with other friends to do this.
I would never stop inviting her out because even if she doesn’t come I know it’s still nice to be invited and I hate anyone being left out. But I’m thinking that from now on when she decides to try to make plans I might refuse and just be honest with her that I’m not freeing up my weekend because I can’t rely on her. Am I being harsh and a massive bitch?

OP posts:

VaguelySkeletal · 02/11/2019 18:00

What if you go and fetch her, rather than meeting up somewhere? No doubt more hassle for you, but if the idea of getting started might be too much for her to cope with, fetching her might get her over the hump and enable her to keep going with the meetup.

Whitleyboy · 02/11/2019 18:00

As she's your best friend why can't you just have a chat to her about it? Try and understand why she would initiate then cancel. No need to be nasty about it at all.

TheQueef · 02/11/2019 18:03

If you know she is flaky and likely to be affected by MH effects that prevent her going then tailor the invites.
No need to row.

Original poster

fairynick · 02/11/2019 18:03

She usually cancels a few hours in advance saying that she’s ill. She knows that we don’t believe her and I feel really bad for her that she doesn’t feel up to going out and having fun whilst we’re still all quite young.
I think if I speak to her tonight then the fact that I’m pissed off might show, so might text her tomorrow.
I just don’t know what to do the next time she wants to make a plan because it’s a waste freeing up a Saturday night for it to not go ahead.

OP posts:

iklboo · 02/11/2019 18:05

I kind of know how she feels. You can be looking forward to a night out and as it starts getting closer the panic, anxiety and fear sets in and you literally can't even think of leaving the house. Then you feel awful for cancelling. It's a horrible, vicious cycle.

MarchingAnts · 02/11/2019 18:10

One way around it is just assume she's always going to cancel, so don't make any plans around it, for example like tonight where now you're completely messed around. Only agree if it's something casual, or with a group, or something that won't massively put you out. Otherwise say you're not free.

ShagMeRiggins · 02/11/2019 18:13

Has she always been like this or is it getting worse? If it’s getting worse she needs anything other than anger, and I know it’s hard because you have a right to feel let down and angry, especially as her behaviour is having more of an impact in your life as well as hers.

I have more to add but am cooking right now...!

OopsISnappedAndFarted · 02/11/2019 18:15

@fairynick this is hard to explain, but as a person with eubp I can feel like my life is amazing one day and want to make plans, really look forward to them and have every intention of going. Yet, when the day comes all I want to do is hide away and make excuses.

It’s a real effort on my part to force myself to be sociable and go out. Believe me, it’s not you and I’ll bet she’s at home feeling like shit for cancelling on you.

My advice, just tell her you understand why she cancels. Let her know how it affects you too and come up with a plan to tackle it together. Good luck

PuzzledObserver · 02/11/2019 18:18

Anxiety is horrible. It’s very painful.... and, yes, it’s also hard for those around the person suffering to bear, because it can impact on their lives such as you describe.

I wonder if there’s a middle way, given that you describe her as your best friend and thus presumably want to support her. Could you only agree to plans which could, if necessary, go ahead without her? Explain to her that you want to spend time with her, but her cancelling is leading to your social life being curtailed. So you’ll do things as part of a group, but not like today where her cancelling makes it untenable for you. Or maybe you could go round to hers and just hang out for a while - is she likely to cancel that as well?

Ask her to be honest with you. Is she ill, as in headache, temperature, diarrhoea, or is it anxiety? That’s just as real and debilitating, but you’d presumably appreciate knowing the truth.

Original poster

fairynick · 02/11/2019 18:24

Oh she always just says she’s got the shits, but she knows we know that’s not the case.
I understand that her anxiety is debilitating and I feel so bad for her but I’m at a loss of what else I can do for her in terms of support.
I think from now I am only going to agree to group outings and things that can still go ahead without her there and for the rest maybe I should make up excuses? Telling her the truth that I can rely on her to not cancel would probably upset her.

OP posts:

PurpleFrames · 02/11/2019 18:30

Are you 100% sure she doesn't get that as a symptom of anxiety- I do. Not glam I know.

I don't think it's fair on you that she always cancels tho and I do think it's reasonable to work on the assumption she won't come when making plans. Then if for some reason she is free you could cancel with the other person who would understand as you never cancel :)

Sparklfairy · 02/11/2019 18:31

She might well do. Stress and anxiety can give you the shits

museumum · 02/11/2019 18:31

I have a friend like this so I invite her to things I’m doing with another person or to my house or that I’d not mind doing alone and I treat it as 50/50 she’ll come or not.

Spied · 02/11/2019 18:33

I have anxiety. I often cancel then spend the entire day/evening ruminating about my friends hating me. I then make plans to show I really like them and want them in my life but end up trying to get out of them. I worry they'll get sick and dump me.
I found that my Friend just turning up or giving me very short notice meant I felt I had no option to go out/do something. I used to be in a bit of a panic but always enjoyed it in the end and felt pleased my friend had done this. The more this happens the more I've stopped trying to make excuses and i feel better seeing my mates.

MsTSwift · 02/11/2019 18:34

Sorry I would find that really annoying. I would stop making any plans with her.

isabellerossignol · 02/11/2019 18:34

Telling her the truth that I can rely on her to not cancel would probably upset her.

But she has upset you. She has MH problems, but that doesn't mean that your feelings don't matter.

I think you should explain to her, without anger, that it's hurtful for you to be left in the lurch due to her bailing out. And try to come up with a solution such as only meeting as part of a larger group or whatever

doublebarrellednurse · 02/11/2019 18:38

Are you doing things that her anxiety CAN cope with? Rather than going out could you have a night in at one of yours? Blankets and movies?

She is ill. Maybe not the ill that's socially acceptable to get her out of going out but ill non the less.

Maybe a shift in thinking might help, support her by adjusting what your expectations are rather than an ear. Encourage her to engage in help.

FiveTwoFaster · 02/11/2019 18:41

My friend does this. I never initiate plans any more. I used to have more patience but I can’t make her want to spend time with me doing things I like. Now I just go to hers when invited and we just talk about her the whole time! I haven’t invited her to mine or out for about 18 months now. I doubt she has even noticed!

Serenschintte · 02/11/2019 18:41

I think it would be better to calmly explain the affect it is having on you. And then socialize in a different way with her - go to her house. Or what ever works for her.
Alternatively just assume she will never come and always make alternative arrangements.
I have a friend who 9/10 cancels the coffees she arranges with me so now I always have a back up and expect her to cancel

carlywurly · 02/11/2019 18:45

I had a similar friend as part of a group. We tried and tried but in the end we just couldn't maintain a friendship. It was so one sided it became exhausting. Plans were cancelled 9 times out of 10.

There was literally no room for anyone else to get support either - this friend's feelings always seemed to trump everything else, even when another member of the group was diagnosed with cancer.

I really tried to empathise and still do, but it was a really difficult situation and became quite dysfunctional. I don't see her any more (she ended up defriending me on Facebook etc without explanation) but I still think of her.

DarlingNikita · 02/11/2019 18:47

If she’s your best friend, surely you should be able to talk about it calmly and compassionately?

kieronsmum · 02/11/2019 18:48

can u not go round hers and get ready together?

Advicewel · 02/11/2019 18:56

Put yourself in her shoes, you'd do the same. Maybe she's to scared to have fun in case something shitty happens and knocks her back down.
And yes I do imagine, my childhood was traumatic and trust me some days I wish I was dead and think of death and hope l die young every day. I'm scared to laugh or smile because I know someone will knock the confidence stuffing out of me. You're friend is probably the same.
It's something you can't fix, nobody can!
Why don't you go to hers until 12 then meet other friend? Or maybe just stop inviting her out, you're putting your life on hold

chuck7 · 02/11/2019 19:00

Sometimes taking the lead helps, can you try 'I'll come to yours at X and we'll get ready together' sometimes having the choice removed and someone taking control helps me as then I can't swing back and forth with indecisiveness. Anxiety is awful especially when you desire a social life but feel trapped by your thoughts

TatianaLarina · 02/11/2019 19:01

The thing is to never expect or depend on her to turn up anywhere.

Make arrangements with other friends and if bf turns up great, if she doesn’t that’s ok.

Is she ok with one on one at yours or hers? or does she cancel that too?

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