To be furious at friend with mental health problems?

[fairynick]

My best friend has had the most awful life imaginable, and I don’t use that lightly. Her entire childhood was traumatic and if her life was made into a film you’d watch it and think it’s too far fetched and dramatic. Because that much awful stuff has happened to her.
Unsurprisingly this has ended up with her having PTSD, depression and anxiety which she is medicated for and also goes to therapy.
She’s my best friend and I’ve always been there for her and we have the best times together. However, she ALWAYS cancels. And it’s really starting to piss me off. I know that cancelling all the time is a show of anxiety but I don’t know if I can take anymore.
I’d understand if maybe I’d invited her somewhere and she accepted then cancelled, but she always initiates and then cancels. Both so us know she won’t come so I don’t know why we bother sometimes.
Three of us are going to an event tonight, one doesn’t finish work until 11 so me and best friend we’re going to go and then other friend meet us there from work. Now that best friend has cancelled I have to just sit at home until about midnight and then get a taxi into town so I don’t let down other friend.
If she cancelled and it didn’t affect plans then I wouldn’t mind but it’s kind of ruined my weekend because I’ve turned down plans with other friends to do this.
I would never stop inviting her out because even if she doesn’t come I know it’s still nice to be invited and I hate anyone being left out. But I’m thinking that from now on when she decides to try to make plans I might refuse and just be honest with her that I’m not freeing up my weekend because I can’t rely on her. Am I being harsh and a massive bitch?

Anxiety is well known for giving you the shits, and the physical side effects can be just as debilitating as the mental ones. She most likely really does want to do what she invites you to do but just can't manage it on the day. So plan your time to account for her not coming, always have a back up plan in place so it doesn't affect you too much. Invite her to things that won't be overwhelming, or maybe go round hers for a girls night in?

I had a friend like this. She either cancelled last minute or would turn up and refuse to engage. We had nights out where she would actually refuse to speak. Awkward. It got to the point (after about 20 years I might add) where I just stopped bothering. I have my own mental health issues and it started to impact on them. I was always left wondering if I had done something to annoy her and why I was always making a monumental effort with somebody who made zero effort back. I know it's harsh but you have to look after yourself too.

I have a friend like this. It’s annoying enough when she cancels stuff that Ive planned. But like your friend she constantly invites me to things and then either cancels or completely blanks me to right before.

If she always cancels just factor that in your plans

If she has medication and therapy then the med at least is maybe not the best one for her, depending how long it's had to work. There are loads they can try, so she could go back and try a different one. She could also try different types of therapy unless she really gels with this therapist.

You could ask her how she's feeling, if she thinks these particular meds/therapy have helped, and if she's not sure they have much, encourage her to try something else.

I'm convinced this needn't be the best it can get despite her childhood etc. There could well be more they can try so she does better. I had EMDR therapy for unpleasant events in my past, and I think it's helped.

I haven’t invited her to mine or out for about 18 months now. I doubt she has even noticed!

I bet she has. She just hasn't said anythnig.

I'd just be patient with her as she will be feeling bad for "letting you down" and she doesn't need to feel that guilt on top of everything else she is feeling.

I appreciate how frustrating it must be, but maybe assure her it's fine and offer to visit her one evening, stay in together, have a chat, order a pizza, watch a film together.

I know from experience that she won't be intentionally letting you down (although I appreciate it may seem that way).
She probably genuinely intends on going, and then as the time draws nearer suffers a panic attack about going out and just can't face it.

I suffering from PTSD myself and I know the panic attacks when they take hold are just horrendous.
I also feel bad if I let anyone down by arranging coffee and then not being able to face it when the time comes.

Be honest. Get out calendar - mark out times she’s initiated something and then cancelled on you. Tell her you understand why. Then ask her, has she given a thought how it makes you feel when X times out of Y, she leaves you hanging? When it sinks in how much she’s hurting your feelings, then offer your solution that you guys make group plans. So when she does feel unable to come, she doesn’t inadvertently hurt your feelings.

I think an open and supportive conversation with her saying that you love her, you want to see her but you have noticed how she cancels things she has suggested. Frame it as an enquiry about how you can help her make it to events/social gatherings if she wants to be there, or find an alternative way to spend time with her. There is nothing wrong with being frustrated at being let down. Her mental health problems may be the underlying cause of her behaviour but her actions are affecting you.

Why not offer to go round to hers, just to chat/watch TV/drink tea until later? And then if she wants to come out with you and the other friend she can, but she doesn't have to.

Couldn’t you suggest going to her house with a take away and bottle of wine

Then by time you have to leave - she might want to join. If not, at least you’ve not twiddled your thumbs until meeting your other friend

This is really sad because the fact that she initiates shows that she desperately wants to do it but just struggles so much when it comes down to it. Is she going through a rough patch or has this always been the case?
Could you try some girly nights in for a pick me up? Or ask what types of things make her less anxious and what you can do to help?

It's hard because I don't think you are 'allowed' to be angry or annoyed at people who behave like this without a flaming and being told how awful and unsympathetic you are, and often it ends up theirs are the only feelings that matter. I've been there with a similar friend and the friendship was so one sided, all that mattered was their feelings/ thoughts and everything had to be tailored to how they were in that exact moment. Exhausting. I would have accepted this has they indicated any modicum that l was a separate entity to a sounding board for them!

This is me...

And OP if it really is as horrific as you convey in your post - she deserves a LOT of slack. And if cancelling plans is something she does, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to understand that it is probably a side effect of the horrors she’s endured

Anxiety doesn't always make sense. She probably arranges these things because she actually wants to do them. But the closer to the thing she gets is when anxiety kicks in. So she starts to panic.

It's like an internal fight with yourself. You know you really want to go but the feeling if anxiety are horrid and it's a bit like fight or flight.

She won't feel good when she cancels with you. She's saying she's ill probably because she can't be open and honest. Not many people accept - I'm feeling really anxious and physically sick and can no longer face it.

If you can't deal with this as part of her then maybe she isn't the friend for you. She may find counselling useful or seeing her doctor, but none of these are quick fixes.

Also don't agree with those saying show her everything she's ever done to you and how much she's let you down etc. From what you say she cares about you and this absolutely won't be her intention and no doubt she'll feel bad enough as it is. A confrontation like that may make her feel way worse and have absolutely no positive effect apart from she may withdraw from her BF completely out if guilt and sadness

Have you ever got ready at hers as other pps have said? Might work?

Could you do more at one of your houses so do something that is maybe less of a big night out and something more casual? Do you know what aspects of socialising causes her issues eg is it the getting there bit, getting home, places being busy etc? There may be something that is more of a trigger that you could work around.

Are you 100% sure she doesn't get that as a symptom of anxiety- I do. Not glam I know.
This ^^

If she's sensing an atmosphere from you when she cancels, it's going to make it worse. Every time she doesn't go, it builds going out into this big impossible thing. Do you live close enough to try just knocking on her door on the day (maybe early enough that she hasn't got the urge to run to the loo yet) and going into town with her? I'm fine with plans until that moment of having to leave the house and make the journey. Then suddenly I'm running late and scared of being judged for that, then it spirals into full blown anxiety. It made it a ton easier if my BFF would come with me and chivvy me along, and not take no for an answer (in the nicest, supportivest possible way, not by invalidating my problems at all). Have you looked into CBT techniques you could use to help her? Like, trying to rationalize, "that's your anxiety talking, you'll be ok once you get here, we'll see you at X time."

I was this friend! Well, not as bad as your friend and I haven't had a traumatic life or anything but I do have GAD and in the past my anxiety has been pretty severe. Tbf I probably wasn't always the one initiating events but I definitely did sometimes. I let A LOT of people down A LOT of the time. This was in my late teens and very early twenties tbh. I'm in my mid-twenties now and whilst I still struggle with my anxiety, it's definitely much better managed than it was then, and I very rarely flake out these days. Not that I hardly have any social life given I have a toddler...! But still. I do still get the awful feelings before a social event that I've been excited for for weeks on the day of the event - I feel anxious, sick, I get diarrhea, I think of all these worst-case scenarios that freak me out, I worry about everything, I start to say to DH that I don't want to go anymore...he talks me into going and we have exit plans in place like he agrees he will keep an eye on his phone, he can call me a taxi if I need to leave, helps me plan if x happens I will do y to cope etc. I feel so sorry for him because this is just more than you'd expect to need to do for an adult partner! I guess I probably couldn't manage it without him tbf.

If she is like me, she will be totally aware of her flakiness and will feel super shit about it. I used to feel so awful and guilty and I lost friends due to my flakiness, but then they weren't very understanding either I suppose. I don't think I would have felt worse if someone had addressed me about it head on as long as they were sympathetic because it's not like I didn't know I was annoying people! Maybe it would be good to have a clear, calm chat and come up with compromises. You say you don't know how to support her more to get involved but have you actually asked her what you could do to help? She might have some ideas. Or if not have you asked her specifically what things she worries about? Then you could maybe help by doing what my DH does and address each individual thing with clear plans of what she/you could do in the event of x etc.

Do your big nights out with other people. Ask her what she can manage better and do that instead. Maybe coffee and cake after work, or a takeaway and film at hers, or a quiet Indian restaurant on a Tuesday.

I appreciate how frustrating it must be, but maybe assure her it's fine

But the thing is that it's not fine, is it? Unless the OP isn't allowed to have feelings of her own.

I have a friend who does exactly this and for similar reasons. Love him dearly. I’ve found with him it’s essential not to organise anything too far in advance (too much time for him to back out). I also always need to make it easy - I often meet him close to where he lives and then we go together wherever it is. It’s difficult.
I have sometimes spoken to him about how it’s a shame when we miss him and he’s spoken to me about feeling crap about it.
Nothing changes but we do manage to have fun every now and then. I also see him at his house which he finds all round easier.
Love him a lot and he’s been close confidante and good support over a few decades so I kind of accept it’s just how it is.
No real advice op but good luck and good for you for being supportive friend.

Amxiety is awful. She will be feeling crippled but also feel bad as she knows she's letting you down but can't see a way round it. You are a great friend and hopefully she appreciates you, and will get better at social events but in the meantime I would invite her, but privately make your plans based on the assumption she is not coming so that you don't get let down if she can't make it.