To be furious at friend with mental health problems?

[fairynick]

My best friend has had the most awful life imaginable, and I don’t use that lightly. Her entire childhood was traumatic and if her life was made into a film you’d watch it and think it’s too far fetched and dramatic. Because that much awful stuff has happened to her.
Unsurprisingly this has ended up with her having PTSD, depression and anxiety which she is medicated for and also goes to therapy.
She’s my best friend and I’ve always been there for her and we have the best times together. However, she ALWAYS cancels. And it’s really starting to piss me off. I know that cancelling all the time is a show of anxiety but I don’t know if I can take anymore.
I’d understand if maybe I’d invited her somewhere and she accepted then cancelled, but she always initiates and then cancels. Both so us know she won’t come so I don’t know why we bother sometimes.
Three of us are going to an event tonight, one doesn’t finish work until 11 so me and best friend we’re going to go and then other friend meet us there from work. Now that best friend has cancelled I have to just sit at home until about midnight and then get a taxi into town so I don’t let down other friend.
If she cancelled and it didn’t affect plans then I wouldn’t mind but it’s kind of ruined my weekend because I’ve turned down plans with other friends to do this.
I would never stop inviting her out because even if she doesn’t come I know it’s still nice to be invited and I hate anyone being left out. But I’m thinking that from now on when she decides to try to make plans I might refuse and just be honest with her that I’m not freeing up my weekend because I can’t rely on her. Am I being harsh and a massive bitch?

I have a dd who suffers from anxiety and depression. I have done my very best to support her to lnow that mh issues are NOT an acceptable excuse for bad manners.

If you agree to do something you follow through. You can't use illness more than once if it isn't real. You think ahead about messing people about - to do otherwose is plain selfish and too often mh is used as an excuse because people actually can't be bovvered. If you think you may have diff showing up due to previous experience you say "no, sorry can't rather than mess good people about".

I'm having the exact same problem although , I'm the problem!
My OH feels I hate being with him, going anywhere etc.
Just this second we were talking about his Xmas do and I can't stand the thought of it.
I hate going out in the evening, feeling ugly, anxiety etc.
Please, please have a little faith in your friendship. I know it must be awful for you, and her always cancelling on you. I haven't always been like this - the last 6 months I have been terrible.

Give your friend a message and please try and salvage the friendship. Perhaps, you need to say to her that for the time being you can't invite her places - I wouldn't feel upset by that, only relief. I imagine she would be relieved too..

OhTheRoses god i feel sorry for you dd.because you clearly dont get it at all.its nothing to do with not planning or bad manner.or being selfish and letting people down.nothing to do with that AT all.

what about crrying on making plans with group and have an honest conversation with your friend.sayin you will nevr not want her to join you all.and no matter what they plan she can count herelf included.so if she hears about it on the grapevine it wont hut.and that there is then no pressures on her but if at any moment she feels able to join then she must must must come too.perhaps you could agree to phone on the day or a even an hour before to see if she can.no guilt either way.or could there be a codeword where she might need pushing and a codeword for no way is it going to be possible.

I'd say it's ok I'll come to yours until I go out

If you go round and make her feel at ease she still may come out with you

Anxiety is awful and she's prob at home crying as she hates letting you down

She prob got scared and cancelled

Go round and even have a glass of wine with her and see if you can settle her

“A confrontation like that may make her feel way worse and have absolutely no positive effect apart from she may withdraw from her BF completely out if guilt and sadness”

Or, if her best friend who cares about her can show her how her anxiety is hurting those she cares about, she might realise it’s affecting those she loves and want to take steps to help herself. There’s another thread about an OP with social anxiety and everyone is telling her she needs to work on it, that her DH and kids are being affected by it, etc. I don’t understand why a friend - with far less commitment than a husband - is being told on this thread to suck it up and discount her feelings.

Pinkypie86 have you managed to talk to him about it.be honest with him.let him no that if thre was ever a choice youd be right there with him but that your anxiety smothers you from being able to.
maybe make a plan of including you but not so it would ruin him going if it didnt turn out?or what might make it easier to go.transport.a code if it gets too much.
dont feel bad.you have something that is really tough to deal with

Lotsalotsagiggles great idea.

I appreciate your perspectove Kate. However, if you know you are likely to flake and do it once, you don't do it twice. The psople you let down may have their own issues, made worse by it.

If you think you can't follow through you find the good manners not to accept in the first place. Yes people have issues with mh and need some slack but mh issues are not an exvuse for letting others down - being rude. Ever.

I know someone like this - I used to work with her. She had a serious mental illness & became a bit of a nightmare to work with. Partly because she was in denial about the nature of her disease (schizophrenia) and said it was really migraines. And partly because the illness is a really difficult one, and I can imagine there were days when she just couldn't face leaving the house. We all tried to understand, but 5 years of covering for her, doing her work, trying to cover for her with her clients - because of course we couldn't say why she really hadn't done X.

I left that job, but I know that our manager was just starting to instigate a capacity enquiry - she couldn't satisfty the requirements of a full-time job, even with reasonable adjustments. And we were starting to get sick of doing her work & patching up the mess she left with clients.

She could never be relied on to undertake any specific speaking engagement - she's say she had a migraine. But she would still keep volunteering - we understaood that her illness meant things were difficult.

But what was increasingly impossible was her denial. So she'd keep volunteering to do stuff, then dip out at the last minute, leaving us to cover. In the end, one person was alsways delegated to shadow her workload so they could take over.

I found I couldn't stand it, and left. We had been friends, but I had to just back away as I just got so angry with her - not the illness, but her denial that she had the illness. If she'd faced up to it, we could have supported her.

Lazy I'd agree if she wasn't taking steps to help herself but from what OP said she's trying hard by various means. But do agree OP shouldn't totally have to suck up her own feelings but a night in together and kindly saying she's sad when they don't follow through with their plans and is there anything she can do can make it easier would be a more helpful and much kinder approach imo.

Could you speak to her and suggest that given she is often ill when you plan ahead, that she should suggest more late notice arrangements when she knows she is well?

That and your previous idea of only agreeing to plans which don’t inconvenience you and/or can go head without her.

Does your other friend really want to go out after work? Might be worth checking she too isn’t agreeing just to be polite.

ohtheroses I don’t think I agree (but need to think about this). Mental health issues are exactly why it happens and can’t be controlled. I know my friend honestly wants to come out and thinks he will when something is arranged with him. I know he wants to. I also understand that he then on occasion can’t help ‘letting himself (and us) down’. I certainly don’t think if this as being rude. If someone with no mental health issues did this it would be the height of rudeness obvs.

Thanks @kateandme, I don't know.
He just gets angry and says, thanks for ruining his night etc.
I have always been the life and soul, always. The last 6 months to a year it has been horrific. Only today, we are DC free ( no DCs together but , each have DCs from EXPs ) so, he suggested going away for the evening.. I had a meltdown because I just can't go out for dinner, or feel how I used to.
It breaks my heart and his. When we first met we were never at home, always off doing something fab and fun. I miss it, I just can't bring myself to do it.

His Xmas do is a few weeks away and he really wants us to go together - I'd love to, actually would love a night out with him but, my confidence and anxiety is sky high. I'm scared, I imagine the OPs friend is scared too...

Oh, and I have a socially awkward sil who never does what she should. Never rings her mother, never gets her Christmas cards done on time, doesn't work because so often capitalism offends her, sets her dc no boundaries so like her they have become "drop outs It's all because she's so sensitive. It's actually because she's a bone idle fart for whom excuses have been made her whole life because she's so clever and talented and artistic. Er no, it's because she's bone idle and has never been given a bollocking to shape up and conform. and wash and work.

I had a friend like this. What really annoyed me was that she was often the one who would arrange to hang out in the first place! Then she would cancel a few hours before.

I'd say that about 60 of the times we were meant to meet, she cancelled 45. I decided enough was enough, so I distanced myself.

The turning point had been when she joined a social group I was part of, reserved to two meetings and didn't show up to either (after i told her not to do this!!!). And because people knew we were friends I felt that reflected badly on me too.

A few months later she posted about having anxiety (which I had assumed anyway or I wouldn't have excused her so much over the years). And I just thought - so friggin what! Sorry but it isn't an excuse to continually put other people out (without so much as an apology i might add). I suppose she had beeb having other people tell her her flakeyness wasn't on too and was desperately trying to excuse it.

I should have left sooner. There's a point where you stop being sympathetic and start just being a doormat.

Next time she suggests going out just say "no come to mine and we can have a take away" that way if she cancels you've lost nothing or make sure there's more than two of you going that way if she cancels you can still go with the other person and be honest with her about that, say "I'm only going to make plans if a third person is invited as I can totally understand why you might be worried and decide that you don't want to come at the last minute but I don't want to be left without anything to do". Be proactive and take control of the situation. It will make her feel a lot better if she also knows she could pop out but leave after ten minutes of it feels too much because you'll still have someone to be with.

I’m well versed with anxiety but it’s still no excuse for bad manners, she could at least be truthful about why she’s pulling out! I’d make sure any future plans won’t be impacted if she pulls out by only going out in a group etc.

If she asks you out again I'd say
Thanks for the invite, I appreciate your anxiety makes you cancel last minute, but it's left me without plans a few times. So why don't you see how you feel on the night and message me if you're ok.
And I wouldn't block out an evening for her, if she makes it out with you then that's lovely.

OhTheRoses Jesus Christ, your DD has anxiety and depression and a mother with no empathy! No wonder she’s ill 😡

Agree with @OhTheRoses how many times do you feel it's ok to let people down?

‘They’ don’t feel it’s ok !

Oh @don'tsayyouloveme her mother actually has sufficient empathy to have ensured she has had psychiatric care, diagnosis, and lots of therapy to help her manage her clinical conditions: anxiety, depression, common comorbidities with adhd. She is at an oxbridge college now and doing well. She has learnt to manage her condition(s) and has learnt coping mechanisms. She knows when to withdraw gracefully and has been suppprted to overcome and to manage.

If she does this every time (not just sometimes), just agree to her plans but actually carry on as you otherwise would e.g. make plans with others or for a night in.

I don't think you're being a bitch but I do feel for her as she's obviously struggling. I've been there myself, it's hard because at the time of the suggestion you want to go but then by the time it rolls around you've worked it up in your head and can't face it.