To be furious at friend with mental health problems?

[fairynick]

My best friend has had the most awful life imaginable, and I don’t use that lightly. Her entire childhood was traumatic and if her life was made into a film you’d watch it and think it’s too far fetched and dramatic. Because that much awful stuff has happened to her.
Unsurprisingly this has ended up with her having PTSD, depression and anxiety which she is medicated for and also goes to therapy.
She’s my best friend and I’ve always been there for her and we have the best times together. However, she ALWAYS cancels. And it’s really starting to piss me off. I know that cancelling all the time is a show of anxiety but I don’t know if I can take anymore.
I’d understand if maybe I’d invited her somewhere and she accepted then cancelled, but she always initiates and then cancels. Both so us know she won’t come so I don’t know why we bother sometimes.
Three of us are going to an event tonight, one doesn’t finish work until 11 so me and best friend we’re going to go and then other friend meet us there from work. Now that best friend has cancelled I have to just sit at home until about midnight and then get a taxi into town so I don’t let down other friend.
If she cancelled and it didn’t affect plans then I wouldn’t mind but it’s kind of ruined my weekend because I’ve turned down plans with other friends to do this.
I would never stop inviting her out because even if she doesn’t come I know it’s still nice to be invited and I hate anyone being left out. But I’m thinking that from now on when she decides to try to make plans I might refuse and just be honest with her that I’m not freeing up my weekend because I can’t rely on her. Am I being harsh and a massive bitch?

If you persuade her a lot, tell her she'd really enjoy it and that you'll really miss her if she's not there.

Maybe organise going round here to get ready. It's bloody irritating and you can see why people give up.

If you've tried all that maybe only book her for nights where you can still go whether she turns up or not, politely turn down invites that are just her.

Maybe book nights in having few drinks watching a film, Pj nights I call it, then it won't be so intimidating and hopefully you get to spend time together without her cancelling and letting you down.

Good luck and well done for hanging on in there x

Anxiety can give you an upset stomach.
If it was my best mate I'd invite her round for a movie/girls night in or if she can't handle going out ask if she'd prefer you to go to hers x

I'd start small again, no more grand plans for a good while. Cup of tea round hers, then pop round and head out to cafe together, then meet at cafe, then meet at a new cafe further away. If she starts backing out again, rewind the plans.

@Dontsayyouloveme OhTheRoses Jesus Christ, your DD has anxiety and depression and a mother with no empathy! No wonder she’s ill 😡 what a shitty post! You have no idea of other posters lives!

I understand her 100%, honestly she feels bad I can assure you. She will be angry with herself for not being able “ to just go out” beating herself up about it and for letting you down again. She will know exactly what sees done.
So please don’t make her feel any worse than she probably already does, by bringing it up.

If she suggests something it’s probably because at that time she can handle it, then as the days, hours get nearer she will be literally shitting herself ( horrible feeling)

So next time she suggests going out, say something like I’ve got plans
( because your not going to turn anything down again for the weekend)
But give me a ring on fri/sat tea, and let me know if you wanna joins us
That way there’s no pressure on her and your still going out anyway.

If you’ve nowhere to go fri/sat night, then give her a ring late teatime and suggest something like cinema or takeaway pizza and dvd

I don’t I think have anxiety per say about going out but I don’t half get a bad stomach / gripes etc until I get wherever I’m going and have half a drink, difference being I know i will be alright, op’s friend obviously gets it 100 times worse than me and can’t face it

@Dontsayyouloveme, what a crappy post. Don’t judge people. Are you really saying the Ohtheroses caused her dd’s anxiety? Shame on you.

I agree with @OhTheRoses - good, sensible attitude.

People with anxiety etc deserve compassion and understanding but so does everyone else. Their feelings do not trump everyone else’s.

People with anxiety etc deserve compassion and understanding but so does everyone else. Their feelings do not trump everyone else’s.

Agreed ^^. I've suffered with anxiety and have cancelled on people before but you still need to be mindful of other people's feelings, not just your own. If you constantly cancel, it will upset your friends.

As PP's have suggested, perhaps stick to group activities where it doesn't matter if one person can't come and also low-key things like a take-away, cinema, etc.

Yeah I think change the activities

Like just hanging out at hers or yours and having movies and pizza etc

Low key

She will know your there for her, and you can make events out and about /parties etc plans with other friends

I agree with trying lower-key plans like just a takeaway over at yours/hers. I'd worry that stopping trying to make plans all together could leave her feeling really isolated, as if her best friend stops trying its likely others already have. That said, I can understand how frustrating this must be for you too, and of course your wellbeing is equally important.

I had a friend who was always the same. I remember sitting on the room whilst she spoke to family about her childhood. I was traumatised. I had nightmares for weeks and could t believe what had happened to my friend. Whom I’d known since we were kids.

She turned into a drug addict. The first few times I went to rehab to meet her. I spent hours trawling for drs and people who could help her. I’ve known her 30 years and finally I snapped. I couldn’t I’d it again. I felt so awful that I’d spent so many years helping her. Just to turn her away. But I had my own family and mental health to consider

It’s a horrid place to be. But sometimes you’ve just got to put yourself first.

Some people have NO idea what anxiety is like, hence some posts!
Op friend I can assure you does know how she’s letting her down, BUT when anxiety takes hold full blown it’s not a case of “ pull yourself together, get a grip”. If only
If that was the case, there wouldn’t be millions of people suffering as bad as they do. One person is not another person, we’re all individual

The problem is not the cancelling but the arranging. I have people in my life with anxiety and they do tend to back out last minute but usually they are events arranged by others. I would find the cancelling much easier to deal with if the person doing it hadn’t made the plans, especially when it is repeated.

I feel bad for both of you...I think from now on I'd try and meet her at hers on a midweek evening or something. If it doesnt go ahead that's fine and there will be less pressure on her. Tell her you understand but it's making you upset so you would rather make plans that dont affect either of you if she is 'ill'

She’s not doing it deliberately. When she makes plans with you I guarantee she really looks forward to it. As time approaches she’s getting herself worried about letting you down. Of course this makes her anxiety worse so she has no option but to cancel. You can develop pretty much every physical symptom there is with anxiety and when it’s happening to you you’re 100% convinced it’s real. The day after she cancels she’s knows she’s let you and herself down and hates herself for it. This is why she’s keen to make future plans with you but unfortunately the same thing happens so it’s a vicious circle. I promise she never intends to let you down and wishes more than anything that she could go out and enjoy herself with you. When she cancels she won’t be thinking “oh she won’t mind and she’ll understand”. She’s thinking “I bet she hates me as I’m always doing this”. Please don’t confirm this for her. She’d be devastated. If you plan anything with her automatically assume that she will cancel,if she doesn’t then it’s a bonus but the chances are she just can’t cope with it. Please don’t take it personally. She can’t help it,she’s ill. I know it gets so frustrating but this is not something she has a choice about. If you cut down on the amount of things you arrange together it could help as she won’t get so anxious so often. If she suggests a date then say you have plans. She’s got into a pattern and she’s subconsciously putting more pressure on herself because she feels guilty. She needs to admit to herself that she is currently limited to what she can do but she has to figure it out for herself. I hope things improve.

As someone who suffers with poor mental health, I totally understand where your friend is it; working full time to maintain a semblance of a life is so draining, I’m totally exhausted. I have just withdrawn from most friends now because it’s awful when you let them down. I often wonder if I had a physical illness, would I be treated differently? I’m sure your friend really cares about you. From your perspective, just make the occasional offer, then leave it to her.

Having ‘the shits’ as you say, is one of the most common signs of anxiety!! So she isn’t lying- she’s telling you the truth!!!! (I am exactly the same)

I have a very disabling anxiety disorder and I think it's best to be kind but honest, so next time she suggests a big night out just say something along the lines of 'You have so much on/to cope with, so I know it's not your fault BUT I've felt quite upset that you've pulled out of lots of the plans that we've made recently so how about we go for coffee/tea and cake or just go for a walk/have a glass of wine at mine one day this week instead?'

I can understand that anxiety can scupper plans at the last minute because the OP's friend cannot bear the thought. But doesn't the OP at least deserve some honesty from the friend once the friend is feeling stronger (and perhaps in one of her moods where she starts to make plans again).

If the friend starts to admit to her anxiety, then OP has the chance to explain how she feels and come to a mutual understanding about how future plans can work for both of them.

This should have happened a long time ago. It is a matter of courtesy. Not at the point of cancelling (I understand the friend is in the grip) but when things have calmed down for her.

If the friend uses 'shits' as a smokescreen to cover the true reason, which is anxiety, she is not facing up to her condition and in denial. It would not be unfair for the OP to decide whether she want to continue always being the one to accommodate and be understanding without questioning the unspoken get-out-of-jail free card the friend holds but won't admit to.

It is frustrating to be stuck in this dysfunctional pas de deux.

What @iklboo said, it's an awful thing you horrible vicious circle.... of she's anything like me then she will make the plans with the excitement and feeling sure of seeing you then anxiety kicks in on the day! It's draining

I get it’s annoying but Shes not not doing it to piss you off. She’s ill op. She didn’t choose her life and what it has left her with it chose her.
It’s not an excuse it’s a reason.There’s a big difference. She probably does have the shits with nerves.

I have lovely family a couple of counties away. They are very genuine down to earth souls and I adore them. I get raging anxiety when I visit them and this used to be me vomiting with stress as soon as I come away. I now have started vomiting when I get there! I will get the squits days before I go now such is my anxiety.
I have had several traumatic events in my life and a string of them over the last three years. Anxiety is like a monster that is part of you but you have no control of it and it controls you. It's awful beyond words.

I agree with you roses and tbh op this friend wouldn’t be my friend any more, but it’s up to you obviously.

Yeah you need to tell her how you feel. She may well have my issues but she also needs to understand the full impact on life, so that she can continue to grow her coping mechanisms. From your perspective I would stop making plans where you are reliant on her but you need to explain why to her.

She might be upset init but you'll be helping her in the long run.

It’s not an excuse it’s a reason.There’s a big difference. She probably does have the shits with nerves.

I understand the reason/excuse distinction when in the moment but why doesn't the friend then explain how her condition is making her behave like this when she is feeling better.

Why is it that anxiety gives a person a right to dick their friends around without explaining and then trying to find solutions which work for both, not just herself. That is not owning the condition.