To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

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Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

Being anxious is very frowned upon in my native culture but I think it's very encouraged in Britain, or England anyway. You get whole comedy or drama programmes (listen to The Archers, or watch Benny Hill...) where people tie themselves up in knots trying to avoid a socially awkward situation. That type of humour doesn't even translate to my culture.

You can argue the child of old, are the ones with severe mental health problems now as they weren’t recognised or dealt with like they are now!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was an extremely anxious teenager.

Looking back, a lot of it was the combination of 'don't go out alone, don't take any risks, the wider world is a terrifying place and bad things will happen to you, get your education wrong now and your whole life is ruined' and 'I can't believe you're X years old and you don't know how to/haven't done this thing that my generation did far earlier.' The result was that I felt both fearful and woefully inadequate. My parents didn't seem to realise that you don't magically know how to do everything once you hit a certain age if you're never allowed to learn and do things for yourself when you're younger because there might be some risk involved.

(I'm fine now. Took until my late 20s before I felt okay though.)

There is some astonishing posts on here about anxiety. People and children suffering from anxiety aren’t just ‘anxious’. Feeling anxious is a normal human response to situations, we all have that feeling at some point or another.

Having anxiety is a different kettle of fish. Constant, intrusive anxious thoughts that can have a serious and limiting effect on people’s lives.

I suffer from anxiety and have done since I was a small child due to a complicated, unstable, and sometimes violent childhood. I only wish someone had recognised this when I was a child and helped me deal with it, and not let me live into my 30s suffering.

I don’t know if children now are more anxious or less resilient. But I do know that parents and society in general is more aware and supportive of mental health issues, and so we hear about them more and children are quite rightly getting support if they need it which will help them be more resilient adults.

@Whitleyboy I Never used to understand it before but I do now, even now my Nan will come round and moan about how high up we live ooh what if they fell out the window? What if the block caught fire how would we get out? Her visits end up making me feel even more anxious I actually don't really enjoy her visits anymore as it's just to much. She's never changed though and I don't think she will. It's so clear to see how many habits I have picked up from her but hopefully if I keep doing all my bits I've learned I should be ok and get a better grip on it.

I think we also underestimate the impact of Rebekah Vardy in this.⚽️🦞

There's constant traffic noise, flights going overhead, phones, classrooms filled with masses of displays for the benefit of parents and Ofsted, not the kids. Hardly anywhere is ever properly dark or properly quiet. TVs are on all night (and even if you don't have yours on, the people next door will have theirs going). There's an expectation to leave lights on in their room, landing lights on in case they need the toilet, so any stirring leads to them waking up fully, their sleep gets disturbed.

yes and no.

Neither of these apply to my kids - I have been laughed at because I don't allow tvs in any bedroom, they don't even have a computer or a phone in their room. It's very easy to say "no" to a lot of things.

I do agree that many schools seem to enjoy chaos, and we are so far away from the traditional little tables and benches for kids, it's really sad.
The notion of "wet play" leaves me absolutely baffled - why do we have to keep kids indoors - in GB! - when it's raining?

Kids are anxious because they are made anxious, with parents pushing and pushing and creating problems until they become real. It's sad.
It's very obvious when you read the threads though.

School is incredibly more difficult now than it was even 20 years ago, no matter 50 years ago. Some people above are just deluded about this.
Exams are harder not easier. Look for yourself if you don't believe me.

Also with relation to girls anxiety, I think the multi million pound beauty industry should take a lot of the blame.
Most 11year olds are reasonably well rounded and mentally fit but the secondary system of one up man ship, social hierarchy and almost unobtainably high beauty standards, destroys girls self esteem in a way it didn't used to, to this extent.
I think this also contributes heavily to the gender debate.

I do agree that in the past there will also have been children who missed out on being diagnosed with serious issues. In the past, it was probably easier for a child with anxiety/depression to fly under the radar, sometimes bunking off school, sometimes having a day off here and there- there was much less pressure on school attendance and children could perhaps deal with situations by avoiding them.

In the 90s/00s, there was more support in place for mentally ill teens. They could be given help (in some cases) before things got to crisis point. Now, CAMHS is massively underfunded and overstretched, and schools are also struggling to fund support staff etc.

There are also additional environmental factors- e.g. the number of children who live in rented accommodation on insecure tenancies. Regularly having to move throughout childhood can't be good for mental health. Children with parents who are stressed about money and maybe working multiple jobs or struggling with benefits changes- there are less people with "jobs for life" now. In some cases, I also think 50:50 split custody is not great for children- not having a secure home base is not great for children struggling with mental health issues.

I also agree that the new GCSEs don't help. They are very tough exams, and schools are judged on the results of every child- which means children constantly being pushed and judged against targets which can be artificially high. In the past, there were more vocational options for less academic children. We now have children who are expected to get a grade 3 at best being pushed through 8 academic subjects- this is not great for them at all, and it can make it hard for them to see a future where they might be successful. For some children with SEN, I also think that inclusion isn't always the best thing for their mental health.

In my day to day job as a teacher, I do see lots of children who are incredibly resilient despite really difficult stuff happening in their home lives.

I think adults snowplough the roads of life for children now. It us expected they will not experience any negatives such as failing, losing , being disappointed, being unhappy occasionally, being bored.

I teach a children's sport and this is very apparent. Some children are very determined, they will try and try, others if they can't get something with minimal effort throw in the towel very quickly.

@FearOfTheDuck
Well said and very well explained.
Thank you.

@ThatMuppetShow
It's cruel to send children to stand out in the rain, even for 15 minutes is too long. Plus they'd all come back in wet and all need changing which is a washing, h and s and safeguarding nightmare. All thirty kids! Three times a day!
I like to see you stand in the rain for 15 minutes every day see how you like it. Running around won't cheer you up much.

FFS. It's because the education system is being wrecked by the same ignorant, manipulative, greedy wankers as everything else - children in the UK are suggested to more testing and surveillance than anywhere else, and have the highest incidence of mental health issues.
For the past three years kids have been living in a far more volatile and uncertain world, with rising hate crime all around them. In many cases, they may not be getting enough to eat, or they may be aware that their parents are worried about providing them with enough to eat. Even for families who are not at the absolute sharpest end of austerity, many parents are very worried about money, security and their future. Little kids might not understand it or the parents might be trying to keep the worst of it from affecting their DC, but even toddlers will probably have some sort of awareness that something isn't right.

Of course there will be some young people whose anxiety is more a brain-chemistry issue in that their lives are not particuarly affected by poverty or violence (and there always have been) but the rise in MH problems among children and young people is directly caused by inequality, austerity and the rise of fascist populism.

(And don't bother trying to insist that the British survived two world wars without 'anxiety'. People suffered then, too. )

I also think 50:50 split custody is not great for children- not having a secure home base is not great for children struggling with mental health issues. One psychologist said that the only way this could work properly for the benefit of the child would be if parents were the one moving around with bags, not the child. DC would have a base and parents would be switching there according to contact plan. Obviously that's bit unrealistic due to costs, but I can see what he means

Good ol' goady fucker thread complete with 'back in my day' and finger pointing. Bravo, OP! 10/10. Start another one about eating/weight/obesity and you're almost at house!

Because the world is global and a lot more competitive so to make sure our children are ready for that world, we prepare them the best we can: lots of after school clubs, lots of competitions (reward charts, tournaments, student of the week, best cake at the bake sale, writing competition, maths competition, etc), testings (7+, 11+, 13+, SATS, etc), and parenting (some people asking at which level is your child reading, etc). Children have NO time to figure out the world they live in for themselves, they have no time to be bored because it is all about “making memories”.

I think we need to give our children the right to live, breathe and be bored. And be outdoor climbing trees.

It is not very nice for them. My 5 are pretty robust. I don't know the reason perhaps always had a full time working mother so used to coping with stuff alone or they went to private schools which seem to be quite good at producing strong chidlren may be? Or just lucky or going outside and not eating junk food - that alone makes children happier! Avoid sugar. Be happy.

I think it is recognized a lot more . I was anxious as a teen 30 years ago but it wasn't a thing then and I learnt (bad) coping strategies.

Whilst I think there's a lot said about pandering and snowflakes. I also think the opposite is true sometimes actually. The cruelty and now open mental health stigma is appalling. And in the past where there would be more care in some ways. the kids would be saved from some of the things they are now left with on their own or shamed over. There isn't enough family time there isn't enough doing things together, and in the past this would then alert parents or simply keep the kids swept along with family life/General life or off social mediaetc so small anxieties or issues would be quickly managed on their own just as life happening or by family noticing. I think we've lost a lot of care. A lot of empathy.
Plus that isn't any help available for now these issues are abound

CycleWoman
I've also had anxiety too, which is precisely why I have an issue with normal life things being dressed up as mental health issues and why I think we've got to be really careful when lumping everything into mental health whilst ignoring the actions of adults that contribute to their children's experiences.

I still think there's a lot of pathologising normal emotions that goes on. We get a lot of phone calls from parents if kids with "undiagnosed anxiety" or who are "a little OCD" or "A bit ADHD" and it drives me mad because what it does is invalidate the very real experiences of people who have experienced those issues or are experiencing those issues.

The more mollycoddling parents Dr Google things, don't promote appropriate independence and resilience and the more they seek external explanations for behaviours they're nurturing, the fewer resources there are to help those who really really need it.

It's a joke when we have parents openly sharing what to say to the GP get their DC into a different room for their exams, but then we are having to battle to support parents of children who are crippling under the weight of anxiety to get their child specialist support they need to function as a happy and healthy teen.

Yet even if you look on this thread, there's loads of pass the blame to social media, blame exams, blame the press, blame schools, blame Ofsted, but try to suggest that mollycoddling a child and teaching them the whole world is a thread means the parents play a part and suddenly it's all "no you can't question parenting at all".

I agree that the pathologising of everything is the likely cause.

Last year our DS15 said he was feeling anxious a lot and we arranged for him to see a teen-based psychotherapist for a few months. She'd summised by the end that the anxiety he felt was actually butterflies over a girl he had a massive crush on!

Also, whenever he's been helping a friend with an emotional problem (usually a GF break-up) he says he's been "helping so and so with some mental health issues". It's so dramatic!

LolaSmiles - absolutely agree with everything you've said!!

Do share Lola as to what mollycoddling parenting and treating the world as a threat is.

And ready don’t assume other parents can’t differentiate between a crush and a child struggling massively.

People always blame the education system and tests on these threads.

We do not do tests at my school but we still have some very anxious children. When I talk to the parent it is nearly always the case that the parent suffers from anxiety too. We live in a very anxious culture.

Such goady shite.

Some people - children included - have anxiety. Just as some people - including children - had anxiety "back in my day". It's just that nobody dealt with it, handled it or even acknowledged it "back in my day".

We know better about emotional and mental health now, so we do better. Except, we don't, because it's all rants about "snowflakes" and "mollycoddling" so whilst our DC are taught about mental health in the context of it being ok to talk about, we still expect them to react appropriately and acceptably to difficult situations because otherwise we're not teaching them resilience and preparing them for a tough world.

Frankly I don't see it as my job to toughen up my DC. I see it as my job to help them find ways to be happy, to be kind, to be good people. And I hope beyond hope that by the time they have DC of their own we do more than talk in soundbites and memes about mental health support whilst simultaneously berating DC for not being tough as old boots.