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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

535 replies

Tvstar · 02/11/2019 10:11

Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 02/11/2019 12:03

It isn’t.

HTH

DishingOutDone · 02/11/2019 12:06

My dd went from being the most resilient outgoing child to a shadow of a herself and so crippled with anxiety she could no longer function. This happened practically overnight when she was 13 - I have a similar experience but I'm not putting it on this thread because I think the OP is simply getting off on winding people up and letting them go.

I'd really encourage others not to waste their time explaining their own child's experience here; its not a genuine question.

Sammyp235 · 02/11/2019 12:06

Agree with previous PP’s, what a giant thread from someone who clearly is a ‘perfect parent’!

Don’t you think it would have been better offering ‘your perfect’ advice, as and when posts pop up requiring it? Instead of (as others have already called it...) posting a goady thread suggesting parents are the cause of their kids anxiety.

Unreal, ignorant and very unhelpful!

Sammyp235 · 02/11/2019 12:08

Goady* not giant

PearlsBeforeWine · 02/11/2019 12:10

Everybody is under huge pressure no matter what their income or lifestyle. Too much social and financial pressure. Many kids cannot cope with being in childcare very day after school etc not enough time to relax at home, always on schedule especially if dealing with parents who have split up. Parents rushing home to do housework and dinner and homework after a full day of work. It's relentless.
It's just shit.

anitagreen · 02/11/2019 12:11

A lot of anxiety is learnt behaviour I grew up with my Nan who constantly worried or moaned about everything and everyone. Looking back there was nothing she had to worry about health wise really but it rubbed off on us so much and I've had to have CBT to break all them worrying habits.
Having anxiety is a pain in the arse so much the thoughts that pop up in my head are ridiculous yet I automatically feel the need to start worrying and place importance on the thought, instead of brushing it of like a normal person would.
I make sure I don't ever talk about feeling anxious in front of the kids now or overshare stuff.
I will tell them I'm stressed out though when they are carrying on because it's normal to be stressed.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/11/2019 12:13

Lack of outdoor play. Children 50 years ago (me) roamed all over. Children now adays dont go beyond their own garden

MintyMabel · 02/11/2019 12:13

correlation doesn’t equal causation, but my experience is that there is definitely something to be said for the link between helicopter parenting and anxiety.

You think your anecdotal experience is relevant?

SansaSnark · 02/11/2019 12:14

I think social media is a big factor in this- there is evidence emerging that instagram, especially, is bad for user's mental health. Snapchat is another app popular with teens which is linked to poor self image and promotes unrealistic standards of beauty.

For teens who are struggling a bit, there is often no escape- they are in group chats on whatsapp, comparing likes on instagram, and keeping up with streaks on snapchat. Everything gets amplified and discussed too, and if they are in a negative social situation, then they are exposed to this all the time.

Even 10-15 years ago, when I was a teen, we had some social media on the computer only (but dial up internet, so I could only go on for an hour per evening) and texting, but limited credit! If I went out for the day, I wasn't constantly checking social media- there were often days when I didn't go online at all, so I had a break from it. Nowadays, it would be unusual for a secondary age child to have regular 24 hour breaks from social media. Less socialising is done in person, and this can be very good for people's mental health.

I do think parents should perhaps hold the line more firmly on not allowing children these apps so young- no-one needs snapchat and instagram at 11, and I believe the sign up age for both is now 16. I do understand it's hard to say no though, when all of their peers are using social media and have smart phones.

I'm not suggesting this is the only factor, but I think it must be a factor, and we are only just really understanding the links between social media use and poor mental health.

LovePoppy · 02/11/2019 12:15

Why? Partly Because everyone Spends all their time judging everyone else.

I hate feeling like the other generations are judging me, and my parenting, and they are. My parents generation caused anxiety in me as a child, and they are continuing to do it to me as an adult and children are seeing this play out in real time

bruffin · 02/11/2019 12:17

Children get anxious because their parents are anxious. Pressure to pass tests starts early and we are busily filling any spare time with enrichment activities
Saw a news report on SATs mother going on how awful they are etc , how stressful.
Small child pipes up in middle of interview. "Mum , its you who are making me stressed about SATs"
Mother looked like floor should open up a swallow her.

DH had a nervous breakdown as a child. Caused by mixture of being unrecognised dyslexic (in the 60s) and being badly bullied at school

SunGem · 02/11/2019 12:18

This crazy capitalist society we live in is toxic to us all. Our children are just the canary in the coal mine.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 02/11/2019 12:19

This crazy capitalist society we live in is toxic to us all

Yes, isn't it just. Sad

Whitleyboy · 02/11/2019 12:21

@EmeraldShamrock
"Well considering she self harms taking her life is usually a bolder step in the path of MH destruction.'
I've been in a similar situation where a parent hurt themselves badly with a knife, attempting suicide. Their GM died in a mental hospital in the 70s and, combined with a childhood involving abuse, I think they were susceptible through heredity. Strangely I never feared them attempting it again (and they, thankfully, haven't).

I have another close relative who had a psychotic breakdown but hasn't, thankfully, attempted suicide.This did keep me awake at night worrying for a long time. I was very anxious, probably because it is clear that mental ill-health is in my genes.

"I am a very strong mother, unlike my mother."
"It doesn't explain how kids are more anxious today considering it is inherited through generations.
She certainly didn't learn how to be anxious shy and timid from me."
What I am trying to say is that some of it will be through inherited genes. The rest will be the numerous issues raised on this thread. I think it more likely that children will be affected by those factors when they are suscepible through their genes.They may be naturally less resilient.

thenightsky · 02/11/2019 12:21

I'm not convinced its a new thing. I recall being in knots of anxiety throughout my school days in the 70s. Only it wasn't recognised as anxiety... I was called 'highly strung' and it was brushed off.

MitziK · 02/11/2019 12:21

It's constant stimuli. There's constant traffic noise, flights going overhead, phones, classrooms filled with masses of displays for the benefit of parents and Ofsted, not the kids. Hardly anywhere is ever properly dark or properly quiet. TVs are on all night (and even if you don't have yours on, the people next door will have theirs going). There's an expectation to leave lights on in their room, landing lights on in case they need the toilet, so any stirring leads to them waking up fully, their sleep gets disturbed.

And then they have to perform from far younger. It never used to make the slightest bit of difference if a kid took a bit longer to read fluently, as they would catch up by the time they were 10/11 for the 11+ or if not, there would the exams at 16 - now, if they haven't improved a set number of sublevels in 38 weeks, the teachers get hauled over the coals for it.

Activities that weren't solely achievement based were usually free or very low cost - now Music lessons are expensive and parents expect children to go through the exams every year to see they get their money's worth, rather than 'he enjoys it', sports clubs cost loads instead of being offered free by the school because the school can't afford it. It's vital for kids to get into the best most MC school and will travel for hours each day in the process, rather than the vast majority of all abilities going to the nearest.

It's harder to get decent food - there's loads of crap punted out to them on the grounds that children need sugar cheap carbohydrates, even in schools.

The constant noise - visual and auditory - and neverending demands on them to be better than average means they don't get chances to just be. Kids who would have been in special schools are now in mainstream because there's nowhere to put them and it's 'better' for them to suffer there than have them in smaller, safe and secure environments - a small primary won't be able to survive financially, their results won't be good enough and they'll be closed or swallowed up by Academy Trusts. To make money to pay for the leaking roof or a rebuild, they have to academise, sell off the field where you used to be able to go and sit at lunchtime for housing and you don't get the 'it's a nice day today, we're going to have our lesson outside', because it doesn't fit the Scheme of Work and Lesson Plans that were set and given to parents in September (if not earlier).

Teachers don't - can't - stay in one place for many years, as they become too expensive, the grades are constantly scrutinised and they have to keep on moving every couple of years, so there isn't the stability of school staff being the same. The NQT doesn't stay there and through the years, work up to becoming the Head. It's seen as a negative thing to have been somewhere for years on applications - being a constant presence and security when a child's life could have been filled with anything but security and reliability is seen as a bad thing on an application.

There were still MH problems 40 years ago. There were still suicides, kids disappearing from one school without warning, still depression, but we know about them now instead. We were taught meditation in 1982 aged 9-11 because teachers were trying to combat stress and anxiety in children. Now, if it ain't in the National Curriculum, it ain't happening.

It's a lack of downtime. A lack of rest. A lack of filling food, vitamin D, Omega 3 fats, a broad diet of seasonal produce. A lack of play.

CallarMorvern · 02/11/2019 12:23

I'm 50 and was on medication for anxiety and depression as a teen. I went to a high pressure grammar and I certainly wasn't the only one in a similar state.
But I think academic pressure is far worse now. I still have my O'level maths books, DD's GCSE maths covers far more. And even going to good school, it wasn't that common to get the full compliment of A grades and we were well taught. DD's education is fraught, constant non subject qualified supply teachers, no text books, a ridiculous amount of homework and so much expectation that screens will be used for school and homework. Uncertainty around GCSE syllabuses. Plus all the extra curricular stuff that university seems
to demand now.
Finding employment wasn't difficult regardless of qualifications. Most of the jobs I had back then just involved a phone call and an interview, CVs and Krypton Factor style interview days.
House prices are phenomenal, so difficult for the young to get on the housing ladder, plus all the worry of doomsday environmental predictions (all though we had nuclear war to worry about).
It's no wonder that kids are falling prey to anxiety.
Despite having anxiety as a teen,my live was far simpler. Local school, Saturday job, clear and achievable academic targets, one hobby, not much cash but enough for my needs and an alcoholic father as the one complication.

LolaSmiles · 02/11/2019 12:24

It's complex.

On one hand we are much better at identifying issues and putting support in place now for children, but on the other there's a big therapy culture where the most normal ups and downs of life need to be medicalised and pathologised so feeling nervous becomes "I have anxiety", having some ups and downs becomes "I have depression" regardless of clinical diagnosis.
There's also lots of armchair psychologists who seem to be great at unofficially diagnosing their child with all sorts. For example, during the fidget spinner craze we had a massive jump in the number of parents who had decided their child really benefited from their fidget spinner and had undiagnosed ADHD, you name it. Funnily enough as the craze died down, so did all the parental claims their child had ADHD and required a fidget spinner. Hmm Meanwhile fidget toys have been used with a range of children before and after and will continue to be used where there is a need.

On one hand I think the amount of press young people are under has increased lots since I was a teen, but on the other hand that goes hand in hand with a lack of independence and responsibility for then to be able to learn how to manage it.
E.g. I think GCSEs are more stressful now, but then there's also a much greater number of parents who call up complaining about homework in KS3, why their child couldn't revise for a test etc, their child has done badly on a test in y8 so what's the teacher going to do (ignoring the fact their DC didn't revise because apparently they were too busy at the weekend). Then we wonder why at KS4 some teens are woefully underequipped to deal with their GCSEs.

On one hand I think there's more traffic on the roads, but then lots of that is parents driving their children door to door because roads are scary, and the park is scary and strangers are scary. So then the kids don't learn how to function independently.

On one hand I think social media and the 24/7 contact culture is problematic and puts pressure on kids and I think regressive gender stereotypes enforced by the media re damaging, but then on the other hand I don't understand why some parents allow their 12 year olds to have a smart phone in their room overnight, unrestricted internet access, and so on. I think peer to peer bullying online is horrible, but then I don't understand why as a teacher I have to tell pupils to block each other on social media if they have nothing nice to say when really that's a parental role (of course you then get cases where you realise the parents are just as horrible on social media and have also been involved shouting and effing and blinding so then it's hardly surprising in those cases).

There's a whole load of pressures in the world, but woke culture on college and university campuses seems to mean "in too fragile to hear different views so I'll no platform you and try to have you silenced".

CallarMorvern · 02/11/2019 12:25

*Sorry, that should read we didn't need full CVs and Krypton Factor style interview days.

MilkGoatee · 02/11/2019 12:25

@Inforthelonghaul New Scientist had an article a couple of weeks ago about benzo addiction. Taken for anxiety (medically or self-diagnosed) and this becoming a problem in Scotland. To the point of overdosing on them.
www.newscientist.com/article/mg24332503-200-a-hidden-drug-overdose-crisis-has-struck-scotland-can-we-fix-it/

Symptomless · 02/11/2019 12:28

It isn't a new thing, there's just more information and more acceptance and openness about the issues. You telling me that kids went through war times, famine, child labour etc without it affecting them mentally? I don't think so.

ludog · 02/11/2019 12:28

This article tackles the subject of anxiety in young adults www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/308555/

Whitleyboy · 02/11/2019 12:33

@anitagreen

"A lot of anxiety is learnt behaviour I grew up with my Nan who constantly worried or moaned about everything and everyone."
I agree this can be the case. My parent and at least one sibling seem to have health anxiety and I assume parent passed this anxiety on to them.

Oakmaiden · 02/11/2019 12:35

I strongly suspect if I was a child today I would be diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ASD. As an adult I have been diagnosed with the former two. As it was I struggled through school and my teenage years with no support. I remember being told that children couldn't suffer from stress or depression.

I deon't know if there are "more" children suffering with these things now, or if it is just that we acknowledge them more. And try to help.

DobbinIsUnVeiledAsSatan · 02/11/2019 12:38

A couple of mine struggle with anxiety. Both have SEN. I was an anxious child, it frustrated my loud, outgoing parents. I'm still a pretty anxious adult.

DH remembers a childhood friend who had severe anxiety, and his family used to enjoy winding him up and hiding from him and making him cry. This was as a young child of 7/8 and they were very open with humiliating him, to the point my in-laws felt uncomfortable but never intervened.

DH feels bad he gave up on this friend as as a teen, as he was always breaking plans. But that's with the benefit of understanding how anxiety can manifest.

And within my family history there's a lot of alcohol abuse where I'd hazard a good guess there was a lot of underlying anxiety.

But yeah just a load of snowflakes caused by parents (!)

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