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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

535 replies

Tvstar · 02/11/2019 10:11

Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

OP posts:
CycleWoman · 02/11/2019 13:37

@LolaSmiles

I see where you are coming from. I guess I don’t see a lot of over pathologising of normal emotions in kids, simply because mine aren’t in that age range yet (so I’m sure I will at some point). I’ve only experienced the other side of the coin where ‘anxiety’ is seen as a personality trait (‘you worry so much about everything, just relax’ etc) To be ignored/accepted as normal.

AlunWynsKnee · 02/11/2019 13:37

Please don't assume that those of us with properly diagnosed anxiety disorders confuse normal anxious feelings with a MH condition.
I can get a bit nervous before standing up to make a presentation to a room of people or going to an interview. Same as anyone else. Totally different to when my GAD is in full swing. In fact I could probably do those things when it is.

ThatMuppetShow · 02/11/2019 13:38

It's cruel to send children to stand out in the rain

Grin Grin Grin

There genuinely are some ridiculous people on here

ThatMuppetShow · 02/11/2019 13:40

I like to see you stand in the rain for 15 minutes every day see how you like it. Running around won't cheer you up much

Normal kids walk to school - they wear wellies and change shoes when they arrive, waterproof trousers for the worst weathers.

Normal kids play in the rain - rugby, football, running, even walking the dogs.

What stupid snowflakes stay indoors when there are 2 drops of rain.. in ENGLAND?! Grin Grin Grin

LolaSmiles · 02/11/2019 13:43

Do share Lola as to what mollycoddling parenting and treating the world as a threat is
Live 10 min walk from school but must drive there and jostle for closest space lest DC has to walk 30 seconds

Child not allowed to walk to shop round the corner or the park because the world is crawling with strangers who've going to abduct them

Threats to children in shops that they can't walk round the corner in case the man gets them (Vs a simple no)

Rather than encourage a healthy approach to risk and responsibility, decide that all sorts are off the table

The folk who see their child had a bump when playing and decide to report the nursery / school because their child should never have been playing

The people who think one falling out with friends equals bullying

The people who fuss and tell their child they've been wronged because different children played with someone else today

The parents who complain about school pressure as they sit comparing what colour reading books their children are on within hearing distance of the children (woe betide if Mel's child is on pink already when yours is on orange)

Complaining and fretting about DC having appropriately differentiated work because they're on the bottom table (obviously that's the end of the world and it would be much more preferable for the child to be on the better table doing more difficult work above than they can manage). The child learns that being on bottom table is bad Vs an opportunity to make progress at their own pace, because their parent is more bothered about how things look.

All the school show threads on MN where people are pissed off that their child isn't the golden one, and how their DC's confidence is now shattered because the narrator parts went to the most clear readers and the singing went to the kids in the school choir.

Get to secondary, parents who've spent 11 years focusing on being top in a single form entry and emphasising how important it is to be top and the shining star wonder why their child in an 8 form entry secondary is worrying about not being top all the time (see also, why didn't they get the lead in the play / my child must be in the wrong set because there's no way they're a set 2 student). And the kids take those messages in and we have them in tears worrying about what home will say. It's heart breaking.

When parents select a school because it gets good results,but then decide that they'll write endless notes about how their child can't manage homework, couldn't revise for the test because etc... And then when the child doesn't do as well, the parent wants to know what the TEACHER will be doing to boost their child's confidence (when their child's confidence would probably have been fine had they not allowed them to not prepare).

When parents sit in front of us at parents' evening and make it really clear that their child working hard, being a lovely student, being caring, listening to staff and working where we would expect isn't good enough for them and the poor child sits there looking deflated (and we go home feeling sad for the child because it's so obvious what messages they get at home).

When parents tell their child they must be on 7-9 grades at GCSE otherwise they're failing and we have to point out it's 13 weeks into y10 and their child is just fine.

Not allowing y7-9 students to walk to youth club and back because its oh so risky, but also allowing them to have unrestricted access to the internet 24/7 through their smart phone.

It's very easy to say "blame school, blame social media, blame advertising and so on" and they all contribute to the bigger picture, but conveniently pretending that somehow the adults in a child's life aren't influential is ridiculous and defensive.

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 13:43

Nutty state primaries and secondaries do test. Sats is a full on testing year and as for secondary. Have you looked at the new GCSE content or got children going through it?

Toooldfornonsense · 02/11/2019 13:46

I think for me anxiety has suddenly become the ‘bogeyman’ of emotions. It’s an emotion like fear, anger, sadness etc but all of a sudden it feels like anxiety has become a buzzword and an excuse for everything. Please don’t get me wrong - I understand anxiety can cause huge problems for individuals on a daily basis and affect how they are living. That is a real issue and needs addressing with the appropriate medical care. What I object to is the current use of anxiety willy nilly to make excuses for not completing things. Everyone feels anxious at some point and we push through it, after all it’s an ordinary emotion.

twosoups1972 · 02/11/2019 13:47

Doesn't it discriminate against the visually impaired though? Not being goady, a genuine thought/question

Great question. I did know about jazz hands being the BSL sign for applause....but surely applause can also be seen as well as heard....?

Tumbleweed101 · 02/11/2019 13:56

I’ve noticed that children who are given too many choices and no secure boundaries tend to be the ones who are either anxious or more badly behaved. I think that young children need adults to be the ones in charge and telling them what to do. Those boundaries should lessen and choices grow as they do. I also think lack of free time and adults expecting them to be constantly supervised doesn’t help them develop inner resilience.

Also as a whole society is tending to institutionalise children now. By expecting parents to work when children are younger and younger, and more working hours being needed to bring in enough to cover living costs - along with pension ages rising - mean that families are broken up day to day. Adults at work, including grandparents and children in wraparound care mean long days away from home being able to do what you chose instead of what you want. We’re teaching children it’s hard to switch off because they are following other people’s rules constantly and with their peers a lot instead of family.

Obviously this doesn’t apply for every family but there is a trend in society for these things to be more normal.

Whitleyboy · 02/11/2019 14:01

So, I think we've all worked out that it is complicated and a combination of a vast variety of things.

Now we just have to work out how to solve it. Smile

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 14:03

And as for private school kids being stronger

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/education/2015/oct/04/depression-self-harm-eating-disorders-private-school-pupils-headteachers-poll

The idea that the children of the rich with the pick of schools, in schools that have wages paid by parents,better places to work at home, with wealthy parents (and all the advantages that brings) etc are somehow stronger is hugely insulting.

Be happy. Hmm

roisinagusniamh · 02/11/2019 14:12

Pushing in here without having read the full thread , so forgive me if I am repeating what another poster has said
Parents of uni going kids can be absolutely ridiculously smothering.....I know lots who have visited lots of uni with them and done the research before the child has applied and then the hysterics when the student actually leaves home.
There are many Mumsnet threads dedicated to this nonsense ....choosing every item they take to uni with them, etc

RuffleCrow · 02/11/2019 14:15

I was very anxious as a child. It was seen as my problem and something i should magically have the power to know how to correct. It certainly wasn't something my parents would have taken me to the doctor for so there are no records.

And @ThatMuppetShow i couldn't disagree more. My mum used to say she'd beat me to within an inch of my life. She hit me bloody hard and it only added to my anxiety. In her mind it was the 'quick smack on the bum' you describe, but that's npd mums for you.

How many far does the teenage stabbing epidemic in London have to go before you think hmm, maybe not the safest place for a 14 year old alone? I used to go around in central London with my friends at maybe 16 at the youngest. It wasn't that safe even then and we had some very narrow escapes. I don't think putting people in danger is the cure for anxiety somehow. Maybe as part of clinically managed exposure therapy but not on an arbitrary 'wot u reckon' basis.

Tvstar · 02/11/2019 14:21

Parenting is a skill learned at the mothers knee . When a person is more or less brought up in a nursery, they are not absorbing parenting skills and in turn lack confidence when they have their own children. Anxious parents produce anxious children. (how would you feel on a plane with an anxious pilot?)
A poster up thread said in all seriousness, she lay awake at night worrying whether she had done something to cause her child's anxiety!!!

OP posts:
nutellalove · 02/11/2019 14:22

Social media honestly is at least 50% to blame to be honest

ThatMuppetShow · 02/11/2019 14:23

My mum used to say she'd beat me to within an inch of my life. She hit me bloody hard and it only added to my anxiety. In her mind it was the 'quick smack on the bum' you describe, but that's npd mums for you.
Hmm
Parenting and abusing a child are always different, a quick slap on the bum is not abuse.

How many far does the teenage stabbing epidemic in London have to go before you think hmm, maybe not the safest place for a 14 year old alone?
Don't be so completely ridiculous. London is a big city for a start. I am in London, so are my kids, and so are their friends. We all know of the areas to avoid, and the people to avoid.
Allowing your teen to go shopping with a friend is absolutely fine. How will they ever manage in life if they never get a chance to learn?

WhiskeyLullaby · 02/11/2019 14:31

Well looking at the kids at my school some of the things that contribute to their anxiety: trauma,poverty,being aware of financial or relationships issues, abuse, neglect, chaotic home lives, have SEN or live with someone with severe SEN, are a young carer, being in a classroom/school with other disruptive,aggressive children plus the usual tests,learning and progress that they need to make. Some of them have high expectations from them at home as well academically and/or otherwise.

Snowflakes, the lot of them!!

Tellmetruth4 · 02/11/2019 14:34

Teenage stabbing ‘epidemic?’! It’s tragic that kids have been killed in this way but let’s not exaggerate. There are millions of kids in London. They’re not all armed and stabbing each other. Its London not Isis held Syria. It’s this type of exaggeration and fear from parents that people are talking about.

ThatMuppetShow · 02/11/2019 14:38

There's another thread when a poster is adamant a 15 or 16 year old is too young to be left alone overnight... I mean seriously...

(yes there could be special circumstances, but there aren't - it's not a 15 or 16 year old punished for over-doing the parties)

pikapikachu · 02/11/2019 14:39

I think that people talk about mental health issues more. For example I bet that PND wasn't diagnosed or talked about amongst our mothers generation so to them PND rates might seem unusual.

pikapikachu · 02/11/2019 14:40

My Ds has started uni and he says that many of his contemporaries have not clue about cooking or using a washing machine. They think he's an amazing cook for knowing how to preheat garlic bread from the supermarket. Confused

RuffleCrow · 02/11/2019 14:40

Oh ya muppet, that's what i'm trying to say. When a parent is abusive they are utterly convinced the punishment is 'reasonable chastisement' even when objectively it is abuse.

You make the choice you feel is best for your kids re hanging out alone in London at 14 and i'll do whats best for mine. It's not a cure for anxiety anyhow - as you can see from my previous post detailing my own experiences. Have a Hmm just to keep my eyebrows as well excercised as yours.

Mine actually have a lot of freedom but we live in a relatively safe area.

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 14:41

Not from parents from the media so let’s stop the blame game shall we. Figures have risen alarmingly and continue to rise. It’s natural for any parent in these areas to worry.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/health/knife-crime-stabbings-violence-hospital-young-people-nhs-a8770126.html%3famp

pikapikachu · 02/11/2019 14:42

My dd is 16 and has friends who aren't allowed to take a taxi or the bus without an adult Shock

OpportunityKnocks · 02/11/2019 14:42

Society has evolved massively in the last 50 years.
Just 100 years ago, life for many was simply about survival. You had a life path pretty much mapped out for you.
We are way past that and now there is so much expectation today - 'you can be anything and do anything you choose' . It's a lot of pressure! I don't think humans have quite evolved yet to be 'resilient' to these new and changing pressures.

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