To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

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Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

I think a teach to the test culture in schools with too many targets is an issue. Our school isn't the worst, but when you're a child struggling with literacy and at age 6-7, doing extra lessons because of fucking SATs which are merely an exercise of teacher/ school bashing, they do notice that they are having to do more of something they find difficult and not enjoyable. In the schools I've worked in, there is a lot more haranging over GCSEs than there was when I did mine in the 90s. Revision is very directed and guided and some people need a more hands off approach. Some people need to be allowed to flounder and work it out for themselves. Resits are harder to access (My chill out option was the back up of resits if necessary which took the pressure off) Vocational options have reduced. Less time on arts through the whole curriculum.

Loss of playing out and independence. Children have lost that autonomy and responsibility. There's a lovely green just around the corner from home, and I just see a small slice from one angle of the house. 25 years ago, I would have been happy to let my 6 & 8yo play on it, I would now if they had company, but it's just not the done thing to let children play out of sight.

I think we are better at recognising problems that children have. I also think that there is also a place for putting petty issues back in their place and not making a big emotional deal out of it. Parenting styles have changed a lot in the last 20-30 years and I think the result is mixed.

Life is never going to be 100% happy and easy. Shit happens. It's unfair. Learning that rather than being sold unrealistic dreams is important to learn in childhood.

My favorite bit of reading on mental health is in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy where Arthur Dent is told that he has perfectly normal paranoia. As a teenager, it was a light bulb moment that that level of insecurity is normal and everyone else feels it to some degree. Obviously there are much more serious issues where people's mental wellbeing negatively affects their way of being and that needs appropriate help, but perspective on normal concerns and excessive concerns is important.

Well, what a thread.
Let’s see.
Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

I don’t think you understand how resilience works, or anxiety.

If you look at actual data you will see that people in my generation and close to it 30s/40s are suffering from all sorts of Mental Health issues, and we know that because they are either seeking help or meeting a tragic end.

If you met me now you would not know I have anxiety. I have had it since age 6.
A result of parenting? School? Genetics? Experts tells me a mix.

But of course, nobody talked about it then so I learnt to mask it and hide it. Eating disorders, self harming, nobody ever knew.

It wasn’t a done thing to talk about it. It was a shame for the family.

These days, people do talk about it and are more aware, in the hope that some of those children will grow into adults that can cope and that are not where people like me are.

So, for some reason you think children weren’t anxious 30/40years ago? Because they were parented that well?
First, you are wrong as there are many factors contributing to anxiety.
Second you are wrong because those children have now become adults filling up the queues for CBT, talking therapies, prescription drugs.

Parenting today is also a different ball game. Society has changed. Social Media, school results.

I work extremely hard to make sure my DCs have a good mental health, but I know, as I have been told by experts, that I can’t take all that on my shoulders. I can help them and I do, I am calm, I talk to them, I don’t put crazy expectations, I don’t make them feel bad about themselves.
Growing up I was constantly put in my place.

A lot of us back then had anxiety but we were too scared to say anything and therefore all you saw was well behaved children that had mastered the acting skill.

A generation of great pretenders.

You need to open your eyes.

I think it's always been like that it's just its recognised now.

The trouble is people are deciding they have anxiety as an illness and wanting a magic pill. There isn’t one.

One of my DDs has anxiety but there is absolutely no reason for it. She has never experienced hardship and has no reason to be anxious other than she’s on the edge of adulthood and it’s a big world. But she can access information 24/7 and call me anytime from anywhere. Her life is in many ways so much easier than mine was at that age yet she is anxious. I might have been anxious at the same age I can’t remember. I do know I had bills to pay so was expected to work and that I just had to get in with it. If I’d had time to ponder how awful my life was I’d probably have been very depressed as it was I knew it was a stage I had to get through and that I wanted to make a better life and no one was going to do it for me.

I don’t think anyone is pointing fingers at parents with children who have genuine MH issues.

It’s the ones like an acquaintance who decided her DC is ‘sensitive’ so doesn’t ever tell her off for fear of tears or screaming. She also self diagnosed the child as being dyslexic and tried to pull her out of tests. After lots of carrying on it was discovered DC wasn’t dyslexic, she just couldn’t read because she had never practiced. When her parents asked her to read aloud to them she said she wanted to read in her head. Because they’d decided she was sensitive, they didn’t want to make her cry and become stressed by insisting she read aloud and thus they never heard any mistakes they could correct or realised she wasn’t keeping up with her peers.

They caused more anxiety and stress in the long run in their attempts to shield her from any stress.

People are very keen nowadays to medicalise every normal human emotion. People worry about stuff. They feel sad. It’s normal.

That said, I do think schoolchildren are under more pressure than in my day. Teens have it very tough because if social media. Parents need to cut the crap and stop pretending their 10 year olds NEED phones. All our children would be a lot happier without them.

I think it’s just recognised more. Children’s lives are far better than they were a century ago, in Britain at least. I doubt that they are more anxious.

I think social media is a large part of the problem, materialistic values too.

And yes, slate me if you want but parenting styles have changed and I think are a contributing factor for sure.

Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience
Not the case.
In the past, people were unaware of children's feelings, difficulties, issues.
I remember in the eighties, in a playground, a mother saying to me 'Ooh, they've nothing to worry about at that age, have they?' Of course they worried, she just didn't notice when hers did.
In the sixties, children's views were taken into consideration even less often. A favourite phrase was 'Ignore her, she's only a child.' The shocking behaviour similar to the McCann parents, leaving children unattended, was the norm.

Children weren't 'resilient'. They were damaged and left to bring themselves up, and now they do what they can to make it right for themselves and their own children.

I think I knew a lot of children with anxiety in the 80s/ 90s and I was quite an anxious child also. It’s just that no one cared back then

Parents need to cut the crap and stop pretending their 10 year olds NEED phones. All our children would be a lot happier without them.
I would be happier without it too, but we have such a dependency that I switched mine off for 3 days and I woke up to so many “are you ok” messages
Overwhelming
Growing up I wouldn’t call people every day at all

My dc played out and were walking to the shop, at a young age.......

The new GCSE system is appalling. The content is shite( has anybody looked at some of the content, masses of fullness to memorise)the not reaching predicted targets even if you’re getting decent grades, the continual testing......

Bullying is worse as egged on by social media, worse language learnt from being online.

Then you get the state of the world in all it’s glory online......

They didn’t have phones at 10 and I’m fairly strict, certainly not a mollycoddler......

There is SO much pressure on DC these days. My DS did his 11+ last year - horrible pressure. Now he's at senior school - way more pressure than there ever was in my day and waaaaaay more than in my parents' day. So much exam pressure, everyone aiming for A* (or whatever the fuck it's called now). Good unis so much harder to get into. Good jobs really hard to get. Social media. No time to switch off. Less time outside. Everything busier, more expensive, the sense that you're missing out if you don't do x, y and z. I really feel for DC now.

facts

I think we are in this weird transitionary phase where perhaps children are being overly described as having anxiety because it is the first time that mental health has been talked about so openly to children and in society as a whole. Hopefully in years to come we will also have learnt the importance of distinguishing between feeling anxious temporarily and suffering from a chronic anxiety condition such as GAD, OCD, PTSD. Children should definitely be taught that anxiety comes and goes as a normal part of life, and that there are healthy coping strategies that can be adopted to deal with such a normal feeling.
I am very reluctant to criticise the current focus on mental health though. It is only a positive thing and I only wish at 15 years old that I could have said 'I have anxiety' as a way of expressing the fact that I was dealing with severe ocd. Instead, I struggled on silently for 15 more years until I developed the courage to seek help.

I don't think mental health issues are always a result of parenting but from a myriad of factors that make up the complicated experience of human existence.

YABU to describe having anxiety as 'having little resilience'.

I am proud of myself for getting through each day because it is so hard. My brain is constantly telling me that I'm an awful person, I've done awful things, my world is about to crumble, everyone hates me, bad things are about to happen and the absolute worst things I can imagine are real. I go about my life and my work and my relationships feeling like that 24/7 without any peace or break or happiness and I consider that to be pretty fucking resilient thank you.

It's a combination of a few things OP:
Ozone
Cheese
Cars
Early learning toys that talk
Memes
🤔🦞

Ds's anxiety is related to his autism and is not helped living in a world which is largely not friendly to his needs. In the good old days children like him were locked away from an early age.

From my personal experience I think parenting does come in to it. I work in a university, and in general the students who suffer from anxiety or mental health problems are usually the ones with parents who ring us constantly to ask us for an update on how their child is doing, despite us not being able to disclose any information due to data protection. Of course, correlation doesn’t equal causation, but my experience is that there is definitely something to be said for the link between helicopter parenting and anxiety.

YABU. And clearly a goady fucker with your one line OP @Petrichor11 had the right answer very early on in the thread.

So where's the OP? Not replying to anyone when some people are giving very thoughtful replies And why did they ask this question? So that people could share their awful experiences of having a child with anxiety and be forced to defend themselves? Or so that people could warm to the idea that actually its all bad parenting and join in with a bunfight?

Either way, this is indeed a goady thread. Theres a wealth of information and studies on the internet, use Google Scholar if you want the medical evidence OP. Read it then decide if you actually care.

correlation doesn’t equal causation, but my experience is that there is definitely something to be said for the link between helicopter parenting and anxiety.

Worse than the helicopter parents are "lawnmower" parents who are intent on cutting down and removing any obstacle in their child's way. The child never learns how to tackle difficulties because their parents sort everything out for them - in my experience their children don't learn to problem solve and their self-confidence is actually eroded. However, that aside obviously genuine anxiety exists that is not associated with parenting style and I would not want to minimise it.

Where is the resilience in a child with no worries going about their daily life?

Resilience is an anxious child battling with worries.

You only have to read about parent’s complaining about their child being fully changed from wet clothes to dry ones to see why.
Awaits deletion.